- 4 weeks ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Here I am. Well, I'm Howie, and there you are. You're the audience. Bobby's not here yet.
00:08Yes, I am. You should never lie.
00:12Where are you?
00:14Right here in the other room. You told the audience I'm not here.
00:18Well, you're not. You're there.
00:20No, you're there. I'm here.
00:24Bobby?
00:26Like I said, I'm here, and you're there.
00:29Can't wait any longer for you, so start the show.
01:20We're down to the final seconds of the World Cup Soccer Championship, and the entire world is watching.
01:26But Bobby remains cool, calm, and collected.
01:30That's because I'm wearing my brand-new, genuine, official, recycled rubber soccer cleats.
01:37Are you ready for some soccer?
01:41No, no, no, no.
01:47Yes.
01:56Oh, my God.
02:23He shoots, he scores!
02:26Bobby wins!
02:30Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!
02:34Well, hold still, Bobby.
02:36This is just a gee-golly disposable camera, don't you know, there, for Ansel Adams' sake.
02:42Now, what's with all the picture-taking, Bobby?
02:45I got a new soccer uniform.
02:47You look cute in sportswear, Bobby.
02:49Oh, whoopsie! Well, you look at the time there, now.
02:52If we don't get a move-on, we're gonna miss that gee-golly game.
02:56Hey, Jackie, wanna ask your mom if you can come? It'll be fun!
02:59Sure, Bobby. I never could resist a man in uniform.
03:06Might I comment that those colors are absolutely stunning on you, Coach Maker. You are a definite glamour dude.
03:13I was just about to say the same thing about you, Coach Nerd.
03:16Why can white is so slimming on you?
03:18Oh, thank you. Particularly vertical lines, hmm? And check out those cams!
03:23But the fact that we both look good in knee socks should go without saying, but it doesn't!
03:29No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
03:31No siree, we call them like we see them.
03:33Could you see your way clear to loan me a coin for the toss, please?
03:36I, I, I took the toll away and then...
03:39And then I made that long distance call.
03:41Oh, here yet, here's one. It's a wheat penny, however. You'll have to return it, don't you know? They're so
03:48rare.
03:48My word is my bond, madam. Heads or wheat?
03:53Oh, wheat!
03:56Wheat! Wheat!
03:59Since that was your wheat penny that was lost, ma'am, we rule that it doesn't matter anyway.
04:08No, sir. But these rules do matter. No kicking, batting, charging...
04:13And no holding, pushing, tripping, odd, for best to not pass goal. Don't be cruel.
04:18Don't let the sun catch you crying.
04:19Wheat!
04:20Any questions?
04:21Soccer has the same rules as the line at the water fountain.
04:24That means...
04:26Play ball!
04:30Okay, genuine recycled rubber soccer plates. Let's fly!
04:46Go, Bubby. Go.
04:50Way to go, Bubby. But why isn't anyone kicking the ball?
04:56You're supposed... You're supposed to kick the ball?
05:00Get out of my way!
05:01Oh, hello. We seem to be one player short. You have heard of the soccer draft?
05:13Substitution!
05:17But...But I...
05:19Don't worry, little missy. We'll lend you all the equipment you need.
05:25Hey! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Here's the mean!
05:28Hey!
05:32Let's go!
05:33Score!
05:36Score!
05:37Score?
05:38Yay!
05:42Okay, I'm ready to come back in.
05:45I'm rested.
05:48Send me in, coach. I'm ready.
05:50I'm sorry, son, but for the moment, you're on the bench.
05:55But remember, mister, it is important that the team receive good bench support.
06:03If they need support, why don't they do what Aunt Ruth does and buy really thick patty holes?
06:12And the game is... over!
06:22Don't worry, Bobby. It was your first game.
06:25It was your first game, too, and you scored all our goals.
06:28Maybe. But I'll never look as cute as you do in those knee socks, Bobby.
06:35Jackie kissed Bobby! Bobby has cooties!
06:39But I said, yuck, and I whipped it off!
06:41Doesn't matter! You have cooties! You have cooties!
06:46Bobby has cooties! Bobby has cooties! Bobby has cooties!
06:52I'm not sure what they are, but every kid knows there's nothing worse than catching the cooties.
07:00Cootie infected. No known cure.
07:03Nothing can hurt Robo's security guard.
07:07Infection spreads.
07:15Cooties!
07:19Cooties!
07:20Cooties!
07:22Cooties!
07:22Day 3. Extreme Cooties.
07:25The cooties seem to be multiplying at an alarming rate.
07:28Here's a story.
07:30About two cooties.
07:31And each one had four million cooties of its own.
07:34I want everything in here washed.
07:36Then I want it washed again.
07:38With soap.
07:39Uh-oh.
07:41Cootie contamination.
07:42This area will be bug bombed in ten.
07:45Nine.
07:55Commence bug bombing.
08:03Get.
08:04Run.
08:05In this soup.
08:11Bummer.
08:12Ah, the fizz is all gone.
08:15Derek, you shouldn't be drinking G-Golly carbonated anything for crying in the hills of ruining your appetite.
08:21Bobby, let's load them up, honey.
08:27You only sit back here when you're hiding out.
08:30What's up, Dweed?
08:33I have cooties.
08:36Oh, gross!
08:38I thought it was the twins' diapers.
08:40You can tell?
08:42The whole world can tell when somebody has cooties.
08:48Don't get near me, cootie boy.
08:55Even the twins can tell.
08:57Oh, no.
08:59I'm in trouble.
09:04I can block off my daughter with my turtle stool, and then I'll keep all the cooties from scaping with
09:10Mom's tape.
09:12Okay, so like Bobby, Mom says to get your G-Golly self down to dinner for crying in, like, something
09:17totally meaningless.
09:19I can't. I'm sick.
09:21Okay, like, whatever.
09:24I don't know, he thinks he's sick or something.
09:26Hello, reality.
09:29Well, for Howard Hughes' sake, Bobby, you best be getting your G-Golly self downstairs for dinner.
09:35Now!
09:37And that tape is coming out of your allowance, Mr. Manzy.
09:41Now get yourself downstairs this minute!
09:44But how am I supposed to go downstairs and not give everybody a cooties?
09:49I said, you know, like, does he mean, like, he said, fine?
09:53And does that mean, like, fine, like, just fine, okay?
09:55Does that mean, like, fine, like, fine?
09:56You know, like, fine.
09:58What is fine?
09:59F-I-N-E?
09:59I mean...
10:02Well, for bed bugs and dust bunnies, what the heck and gone's going on here, Bobby?
10:08Hey, how about some anchovies, Bobo?
10:11They'll put some hair on your chest.
10:14No, thanks, Uncle Ted.
10:16I...I got other things on me right now.
10:20Mom...
10:21I...I have the cooties.
10:23Oh, Bobby, honey, no you don't.
10:26Cooties are a made-up thing, like, uh, the monster in your closet, don't you know?
10:31There, now, yeah.
10:40They don't really do have the cooties.
10:44Uncle Ted, do you believe in cooties?
10:48Oh, yeah, Bobo.
10:49But I tell you, when it comes to your health, always get a second opinion.
10:52Mmm.
10:53I won't get your credit.
10:54Derek, do you believe in cooties?
10:57Oh, yeah.
10:59Where do they come from?
11:01Nobody knows where they come from, but they're out there.
11:04Like some kind of weird aliens.
11:09Weird aliens?
11:13Some people say they're aliens.
11:15Some people say they don't even exist.
11:18Cooties are out there, Agent Jackie.
11:20I can feel it in my bones.
11:23Agent Jackie, take a look at this.
11:26Mmm.
11:27I have the feeling I just touched something that I'm going to regret tomorrow.
11:31Is it a cootie?
11:32Icky?
11:33Yes.
11:34Cootie?
11:34No.
11:35It's an anchovy.
11:39Who are you?
11:42Call me Anchovy Man.
11:44Tell me what you know about cooties.
11:47All I can tell you is, trust no one.
11:50Not even me.
11:52And definitely not them.
12:05Now I have the experience of cooties.
12:07Yeah, cooties!
12:13Anchovy Noogies.
12:17Well, I don't know what shampoo you use, Bobo, but it goes great with anchovies.
12:21Okay, family mine. Who wants codfish casserole?
12:29Like, please.
12:31Oh, honey, that's... Are you sure that fish is fresh?
12:35Her flipping coupons in the checkout line, Howard.
12:38They must have sold me a Cheek Alley Rotten Pod.
12:42Well, did you keep the receipt?
12:43The receipt?
12:45Do you think I plan to have a couple of pounds of gee golly cod stinking up the house for
12:51shopping in the fish aisle, Howard?
12:55You should start your own band, Dweeb.
12:58Cootie and the codfish.
13:03Hey, don't cry over spoiled cod, Bobo.
13:09I'm crying because I got the cooties, Uncle Ted.
13:12Oh, don't worry. You'll be fine.
13:15But stay away from fast girls and soft cheeses.
13:18You know, just in case.
13:20I think I'm doomed.
13:28Get the ball!
13:30I'm not touching it.
13:31It has cooties on it now.
13:33Ew!
13:35How did everybody find out about my cooties so fast?
13:40Welcome to Yard Copy, the show that tells you all the behind-the-scenes dirt on the playground.
13:46Guess who we caught getting caught catching cooties.
13:50I'll never have any friends again.
14:03Oh, no.
14:04Mom accidentally popped the whole box of chocolate chip cookies.
14:09I guess I'll have to trade them for two-night horse toilet chips.
14:16Oh, cooties are winning.
14:19Cooties are winning.
14:25When the bell rings, somebody will have to sit by me.
14:43What's the matter?
14:44Have you never seen a cootie boy get a drink of water before?
14:47Bobby, could you let me by, please?
14:49Hey, Jackie, wait. I need to talk to you.
14:52Not now, Bobby.
14:53But Jackie, this party is about my cooties.
14:56Mena, hurry, Bobby.
14:57Bobby, why won't you talk to me?
14:59This is because I have the cooties, isn't it?
15:01No, it's because this is the girls' bathroom.
15:05Uh-oh.
15:11What do you got to see the principal for?
15:14I accidentally went into the girls' bathroom, but maybe it's because I got the cooties.
15:19Oh, they can't bring you in just for the cooties.
15:21That's a by-law of the PGX code book, Cleveland Convention.
15:24How come you know so much about the cooties?
15:28Basically, I had cooties once.
15:31What?
15:33Oh, I forgot. I already got them.
15:35I'm basically sorry.
15:37Yeah, well, you have cooties, nobody lets you forget for long.
15:41But this is your lucky day, cootie boy, because I'm going to tell you the truth about cooties.
15:47The truth about cooties?
15:51I'm P. Everett Stoop, and I'm here to tell the truth about cooties.
15:55If you have cooties, you're doomed.
15:58You're a loser.
15:59Even your dog won't play with you.
16:02But my friends and I will.
16:04Come over after school.
16:07Dwight, you want to come in here?
16:09Well, it'll be fun.
16:11We have a clubhouse and everything.
16:15Oh, no.
16:17It's some kind of cootie club.
16:23Hi, I'm Bobby.
16:25Hi, Bobby!
16:26And I have the cooties.
16:29I didn't even know what cooties were until I got them, and now I still don't know.
16:34Basically, Bobby's new here, so he hasn't heard.
16:38Bobby, we invented a cure.
16:41Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!
16:44All you gots to do is follow our simple 12-step program.
16:52Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong, Bobby?
16:55Bobby, I can only count to ten.
17:01Bobby?
17:04Bobby, get it in gear, little mister.
17:07We're late for your G-Gally soccer game.
17:09Okay, so, like, he is not downstairs, and I totally looked everywhere.
17:15Bobby!
17:17Okay, like Bobby.
17:19They'll never look for me in Kelly's room.
17:21I'm safe in here.
17:24I could be wrong.
17:27Okay, like, what is your problemo, Bobby?
17:30You know better than to take refuge in my room.
17:33I have cooties.
17:34Calvin said so.
17:37Calvin!
17:38Bobby, please.
17:40I babysat for Calvin, and he still wears PJs with feet in them.
17:44He does?
17:44He totally does.
17:46Trust me, he is, like, way too pee-wee to be diagnosing cooties.
17:51But he saw Jackie kiss me, so he says I have her cooties now.
17:55Bobby, just because he says it doesn't make it true.
17:58He's probably, like, totally jealous because Jackie didn't kiss him.
18:01Yuck!
18:03Like, Calvin is using name-calling to hurt you.
18:06You cannot let other people tell you who you are, Bobby.
18:08It's as simple as that.
18:09Only you can do that.
18:11Oh!
18:12Oh!
18:13Oh!
18:14You mean...
18:15I don't have cooties?
18:18Get real!
18:21Would I do this if you did?
18:23Now go play soccer, you little monster.
18:26I'm cured!
18:27Thanks, Kelly!
18:30Hey, Bobby, if Calvin gives you any more grief, ask him about the socks he has with the ducks on
18:36them.
18:36Kids.
18:42This would be a lot easier if Calvin was wearing those duck socks now.
18:51And what is nueva with you, Roberto?
18:54I just got over, um, a problem.
18:58Been sick, have you?
18:59Why, you've been sick, haven't you?
19:03In that case, we have to go out there and win.
19:06We have to win today for the barber.
19:08Win to celebrate his recovery from...
19:11What was it?
19:12Cooties.
19:14Recovered from cooties!
19:15I just love happy endings.
19:21Genuine recycled rubber soccer cleats will last a long time like this.
19:34Jackie, are you okay?
19:35You have to go in for me, Bobby.
19:37I have an abrasion.
19:39All right, let's go, Roberto!
19:41Only 30 seconds left in the game.
19:50Oh, I'm stuck.
19:52I can't move.
19:56Goal!
19:57And it's a boog game.
20:02How come you're being nice to me now?
20:04What about the cooties?
20:06Hey, wait a minute.
20:07Put him down.
20:08He has the cooties.
20:09Cooties, probably not.
20:12That's just something you made up to hurt my feelings,
20:15because you're jealous of me.
20:18Yeah, put a duck sock in it, Calvin.
20:21Bobby's a hero.
20:22Yay!
20:23All right!
20:25Yay, Bobby!
20:27Well, now, Mr. Hero of the Day,
20:31what have you learned then yet?
20:33I learned that cooties aren't real,
20:35but if your friends are dumb enough to think they are,
20:38it doesn't hurt to get hit in the head with a soccer ball just in case.
20:44Well, that's our show, but before we go,
20:47Bobby, I want to give you something.
20:49Oh, no.
20:50I don't want anything,
20:52because then people think you have it,
20:54and they treat you different,
20:55so I don't want it!
20:58Bobby, but it's a lovely muffin holder
21:01I made out of pennies and rubber bands.
21:03I'm...
21:05Fine. Bye.
21:10Haha.
21:13Wow.
21:14Bye.
21:17Bye.
Comments