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Watch full-length drama films featuring powerful business leaders, hidden identities, family secrets, impossible love stories, revenge, and inspiring personal journeys. Every movie delivers engaging storytelling and memorable characters.
Enjoy high-quality drama entertainment with English subtitles and discover new trending stories uploaded on a regular basis.
#FullDrama #DramaMovies #LoveDrama #RomanceMovie #CEO #Billionaire #AsianMovies #Trending #DramaChannel #MovieLovers
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00:30They know, they know I have resting Latter-day Saint face, they know. They know. They love me in Salt
00:36Lake City. I'm like a parade float of a Mormon. They let me in the temple, I pet the dragon,
00:41it was awesome. Any Latter-day Saints here? Okay. Nobody stopped them, it's clearly not safe. Someone should have been
00:52like, Jebediah, no! Malachi, stay in thy hand!
01:00Oh, I love you, I'm not making fun of you. I'm not Mormon, I just look Mormon-y. I stop
01:07drinking, that's kind of Mormon-y. When you stop, yeah. When you stop drinking, you have to find new ways
01:12to party. Like I still put Q-tips deep in my ear.
01:20You guys put Q-tips in your ear?
01:24Yeah, I knew you were cool.
01:28The reason I ask is, have you read the back of the box and seen what the people of the
01:32Q-tip Corporation say a Q-tip is intended for?
01:36I'm not making this up. It doesn't say ear on the entirety of the box. They're just acting like they
01:40don't know, that we're sticking it in, and twisting, and traveling through time.
01:45It's one of life's joys, you're just like, ah! I can see how I die! It's amazing.
01:53They gaslight us. I'm not making this up. The first use, it says, first aid.
01:58What psycho is like, I have a gash to the Q-tips? Like, that's...
02:09Got it.
02:11Second one is makeup. That's bullshit. Makeup comes with a little brush. I have a wife.
02:17Third one is babies, crafts. Does anyone know the last one?
02:21My man.
02:24Keyboards. You've been bored in the bathroom as well.
02:30Cleaning keyboards.
02:32What kind of gaslighting horse shit is this?
02:35They have the fucking balls to look us in the eye and be like, dirty keyboard at home?
02:41You know what we're doing!
02:44You know, you lying cocks! You know!
02:47You know they have their quarterly meetings, and they're like, another successful year of keeping keyboards clean.
02:54When they close the blinds, they're like, enough for the devil's business.
03:00They puff it up like a cloud and stick it in and rotate.
03:04Hit that ear G-spot we all have.
03:06The one we all have that makes your legs start shaking like a dog you're scratching just right.
03:12But some ding-dong customer in the 70s went too deep, touched his brain.
03:18Now they can't say it for legal reasons, because that dude tastes fear and hears color now.
03:26Ruined it for the rest of us.
03:30Keyboard cleaning.
03:32That's like McDonald's being like, you've been eating it?
03:43Those aren't cheeseburgers, those are small wet pillows for dogs.
03:49If you're dumb enough to eat a small wet dog pillow, what happens to your body is on you.
03:54Check the box.
03:56Oh, take a look, silly boy.
04:04Hey, can the people that make you take your shoes off before you come in their house just fucking cut
04:08it out?
04:11This one always divides the room.
04:13Hear me out.
04:14Hear me out.
04:15Just give me a chance.
04:16The people that make you take your shoes off, here's my message to you.
04:19Give up.
04:21The world is filthy.
04:22You're going to die.
04:23You can't stop it.
04:24You can't stop it with your little policy.
04:27Oh, you have a policy?
04:28I have a policy.
04:29Eat shit.
04:30That's my policy.
04:32Oh, I'm sorry.
04:33I can wear shoes at the Vatican, but not these hallowed grounds, Diane.
04:38That's how you want to start the hang?
04:40You're going to invite your friends over?
04:42You want to start the hang with a humiliation?
04:44You're going to make me slide these two stinky pigs out in front of my wife?
04:48You're going to embarrass me in front of my wife?
04:50Leaving wet sock prints on your linoleum?
04:53You want to humiliate me?
04:55That's how you host your friends, you fucking twat?
05:02And houses that make you take your shoes off, they always have a dog.
05:08Which is it, dipshit?
05:11We keeping it clean in here?
05:13We letting wolves just walk in scot-free?
05:16Because we all watched your dog take a shaky leg, loose stool diarrhea dump on your front lawn.
05:21He didn't wipe.
05:22Dogs don't wipe.
05:24And he just walked in scot-free.
05:27He walked right past my shoes that you made me take off.
05:31And now he's dragging his ass on your carpet, makes me think he has some unfinished business.
05:35I think the area's been compromised.
05:38So can I put my Nikes back on?
05:40My feet are cold.
05:42Or you can wrap that bitch in cellophane.
05:48Here's my favorite part of that joke.
05:50I know a lot of you disagreed.
05:52And you put that to one side.
05:54You vacationed in my perspective.
05:56That's beautiful.
05:57That's the kind of subtlety we need.
05:59Those beautiful humans that were like, ha-ha, take them off.
06:02You know what I mean?
06:05We need more of that.
06:11I was just in Mexico.
06:14Yeah.
06:15I ate ants.
06:17Yeah.
06:18The insects, not lady uncles.
06:28It was at a restaurant.
06:29I wasn't just bored at a picnic.
06:33Two hotlines, guys.
06:34Back to back.
06:35That's two hotlines.
06:38And it was a prefix menu.
06:40Like, you don't order.
06:41They were just bringing us tacos.
06:42First course was chicken tacos.
06:44It's a crowd pleaser.
06:45Second course, they're like, these are ant tacos.
06:47I'm like, what is happening right now?
06:51Before the meal, they asked us if we had any allergies or food restrictions.
06:55But I didn't know how far back I had to take that.
06:59They're like, these are ants.
07:00I'm like, I also don't eat loose nickels or urinal cakes.
07:07Just to be crystal clear, now that I see what you're capable of.
07:15And if you guys were me and my wife, the chef was standing right there.
07:18So we felt like we had to eat them.
07:19You know?
07:20We didn't want to be ugly Americans.
07:22So I got a mouth full of bugs.
07:24I'm pretending it's not ants, but the chef wouldn't let us forget that it was ants.
07:29He kept telling us.
07:30He was like, they're big and juicy and we cut off their heads in the rain.
07:33And I'm like, ha ha, say less.
07:35You know what I mean?
07:39Like, I don't want to be culturally insensitive, but everybody knows eating ants is weird.
07:44You know how I know?
07:45The whole planet agrees to call one of our animals the anteater.
07:50Have you seen that thing?
07:52It's like a low-to-the-ground hairy elephant.
07:55That's probably what we were going to call it.
07:57And someone was like, hold up.
07:59Check out what this freaky bitch is eating.
08:01You know what I mean?
08:05Its diet is the headlining oddity.
08:09And it was an ant and clam taco.
08:14That's correct.
08:16That's the correct response.
08:18Ant and clam.
08:19I've never eaten something and looked for refuge in the flavor of clam.
08:26Got a mouth full of carpenters.
08:27I'm like, look for the clam.
08:31Clam will save us from this zinky nightmare.
08:34Clam, the condom of the ocean.
08:37King Neptune's chewy prophylactic.
08:39I'm like, it's our only hope.
08:45Same night.
08:46My first night in Mexico.
08:47I got stung by a scorpion.
08:50Yeah.
08:51Big bug day.
08:54It was in my bed.
08:55Isn't that freaky?
08:56It was in the bed.
08:57Yeah.
08:57It didn't hurt.
08:58It didn't hurt.
08:59It just felt scratchy.
09:00I was asleep.
09:01I remember thinking, what is the, what's the thread count of these sheets?
09:05I whip open the covers.
09:06I get my flashlight out.
09:07There's a dead scorpion in the bed.
09:09Yeah.
09:10Got him.
09:12That's a weird feeling.
09:13Coursing with scorpion venom.
09:15I'm like, I got to wake up Val.
09:16Got to wake up my wife.
09:17Because I don't know if I'm going to be around.
09:21That's a weird consideration when you're like, I'm about to be playing the part of the body.
09:25So let's get someone else in this narrative.
09:28So I used my big boy voice.
09:30I didn't know I had a big boy voice.
09:32I found it in a crisis.
09:34I talked to my wife real sweet.
09:35That morning I was like, Valerie, I've been attacked.
09:37She's like, ah.
09:41She woke up straight away.
09:43I went out on the balcony.
09:44It got me four times on the ankle.
09:47Yeah.
09:47Good empathy.
09:49So I elevated it.
09:50That was my idea.
09:52I didn't know what else to do.
09:53I didn't know if that was helping or just draining the poison straight to my corazón.
10:00And my wife is a really sweet, non-confrontational person.
10:03Even in an emergency, it turns out.
10:05Because I'm out there elevating it.
10:07I can hear her on the phone with the front desk.
10:08I'm not making this up.
10:09She's like, hi, buenos dias, buenos dias.
10:14Yes, it is a beautiful day here in Mexico.
10:18No, no, you go.
10:19You go.
10:20Okay, I'll go.
10:21One of us is dying.
10:22It was like.
10:26They sent a doctor right away.
10:28I was like, how often does this happen?
10:30He came out onto the balcony.
10:31He didn't speak any English.
10:32I speak a little bit of Spanish.
10:34I'm not making this up.
10:34I go,
10:35¿Cuántos minutos yo tengo?
10:43¿Cuántos minutos para yo?
10:47¿Es ahora el tiempo para adiós siempre?
10:51He didn't speak any English.
10:53He had a real thick accent.
10:54I'm not going to do his accent.
10:55Nice try.
10:58You're not taking me down for a questionable voice.
11:00But you know what he sounded like.
11:05I'll tell you what he said.
11:07You can add it up here.
11:08You can't get canceled up here.
11:09And you know what he sounded like, you racist fox.
11:11You know just what he said.
11:16He goes, in 24 hours.
11:17I'm kind of doing it.
11:18I don't know why.
11:23He goes, in 24 hours, you will be dead.
11:26That's what he said.
11:28Stay thirsty, my friends.
11:29That's what he said.
11:32And they got in their golf cart.
11:34They sailed off.
11:35They said they had to get the anti-venom shot.
11:37I was like, you could have brought it.
11:40We told you what happened.
11:41You could have brought it.
11:43And I was laying there.
11:44And I was really worried I was going to die.
11:46But I was equally worried that I'm a comedian.
11:48And I grew up in the 90s playing video games.
11:51And I'm a silly, silly fun boy.
11:52So I knew, yeah.
11:56So I knew there was a real risk
11:57that I'd have like a dumb death.
11:59Like a stupid death.
12:01Like I'd be fading out
12:02and I'd just look at my wife
12:03and be like, scorpion wins.
12:05You know what I mean?
12:05Like a dumb joke.
12:09As I'm passing away,
12:10just like, fatality.
12:12It is a fatality.
12:13And I can't have my last meal be ants.
12:23There's no 13th floor in my hotel in Mexico.
12:27No 13th floor in my hotel here in town.
12:29Isn't that weird?
12:29I think it's crazy.
12:30In this day and age,
12:31we still skip the 13th floor
12:33because it's an unlucky floor.
12:34Same with hospitals.
12:35There's no room 13.
12:36Same with airplanes.
12:37There's no 13th row.
12:39Isn't that nuts?
12:40I think it's weird.
12:41I know people that complain
12:42that transgender people relax.
12:47You're going to like it.
12:49Look at my friendly open face.
12:51We're going to safe pastures.
12:52You're going to like this one.
12:54I think it's funny.
12:55I know people that complain
12:56that transgender people
12:57make up such a small percentage
12:59of the population,
13:00but they get special treatment.
13:01But I know a lot of transgender people.
13:04I don't know a single person
13:06who's afraid to stay
13:07on the 13th floor of a hotel.
13:12And we've been bending over backwards
13:14for these psychos
13:15for hundreds of years.
13:20Is this...
13:21Is this a big problem?
13:23A lot of time-traveling pilgrims
13:25staying at the Best Western?
13:28Like we have you on the 13th floor.
13:30Oh, hell nay, you do.
13:34That's the Lucifer level.
13:37So you see in the elevator,
13:39if you look at the buttons,
13:39it goes 12, 14.
13:41You realize if it goes 12, 14,
13:43the 14th floor
13:46is the 13th floor.
13:48It just identifies as the 14th floor.
13:54And we're all totally fine with it.
13:56See?
13:57We'll get there.
14:02I've noticed that the people
14:03that have the hardest time
14:05changing people's pronouns
14:06based on their gender identities,
14:08the people that struggle
14:08with that the most
14:09are the same people
14:11that get really mad
14:12if you call their truck a car.
14:18It's just an observation.
14:20It's the same group.
14:22Like, let's take your car.
14:23It's a truck!
14:24Okay, Jesus Christ.
14:26Just saw a windshield
14:27and four tires.
14:28I just assumed.
14:30Oh, now I got to remember that
14:31to make you feel safe?
14:32Fuck you, Chad.
14:33You know what I mean?
14:40It's a truck!
14:41And it's a he-him!
14:44Look, I put a ball sack
14:45on the hitch!
14:53I've misgendered people
14:54in my life.
14:54It's a terrible feeling.
14:55That's not a joke.
14:56It's horrible.
14:57I hate it.
14:57So I have a new rule.
14:58If I don't know you,
15:00I don't care how you present.
15:01I don't call anyone sir or ma'am.
15:03I just call everyone my friend.
15:04If I don't know you,
15:05just call you my friend.
15:06Hasn't happened since.
15:08It's nice.
15:08It works.
15:09Yeah.
15:11Yeah.
15:12The only problem is
15:13now I sound like
15:14a Saudi Arabian car dealer.
15:21My friend, my friend, my friend.
15:24Good car.
15:25White BMW, my friend.
15:28It's funnier
15:29because some of you clapped.
15:30It's funnier.
15:32lifting up one group,
15:33pushing down another
15:34for no reason.
15:35I don't know why.
15:36It's comedy.
15:37It's the best we can do.
15:45Oh, it's good to hear you laugh.
15:48I'm like your dad.
15:49It's good to hear you laugh.
15:51Let it out.
15:53I need this.
15:54I need this so bad.
15:56Modern life is too stressful.
15:58Yeah, right.
15:59And you know what it is.
16:00It's our phones.
16:01That's not a new theory.
16:02It's our fucking phones.
16:03We shouldn't have these things.
16:04They're like crystal balls
16:06we keep in our pocket
16:07that can tell you anything
16:08at any time.
16:10Local news,
16:11world news,
16:11news from your life.
16:13And you look at it,
16:13what,
16:1430,000 times a day?
16:16No wonder you're a bit on edge.
16:19The human animal
16:20wasn't designed
16:21to be taking a dump
16:22like,
16:22ugh,
16:23I just got fired.
16:25You know what I mean?
16:25That's not...
16:32That's not how
16:32the human animal
16:33was designed
16:34to get bad news.
16:37It's our phones, man.
16:38You know what doesn't help?
16:39Maybe you have a friend like this.
16:40Every single time
16:41my wife looks at her phone,
16:42I'm not joking,
16:43every time she checks her phone
16:44she goes like this.
16:45She goes,
16:46oh, no.
16:52and I'm a big guy
16:53but I got,
16:53I scare easy.
16:54You know what I mean?
16:55I got the temperament
16:56of a Victorian ninny.
16:59I'm like,
16:59heavens!
17:00You know what I mean?
17:01I clutch my pearls,
17:03I cinch my robe.
17:05I'm always like,
17:06what?
17:07What do you see
17:08in the Oracle Woman?
17:11What doth
17:12the Black Mirror
17:13show you?
17:15She's like,
17:16one of the actors
17:17from Bones
17:17isn't returning
17:18to the show.
17:19I'm like,
17:19God damn it!
17:25Don't do that to me!
17:32Technology's a trip, man.
17:33Like, I don't work
17:33in an office,
17:34obviously.
17:37But people that do,
17:38you guys have your own
17:39little secret
17:40email language,
17:41don't you?
17:42There are all these acronyms
17:43I didn't know.
17:44Like, end of day,
17:45that's E-O-D.
17:46I didn't know that.
17:47Nobody tells you that.
17:49My favorite is
17:50out of office,
17:51because it's just
17:51three O's.
17:53But I didn't know.
17:56So the first time
17:57I got an email,
17:58they're like,
17:58I'm like, so sorry
17:58for the delay, Peter.
18:00I've been a little
18:00ooooh.
18:05I'm like,
18:09what does that mean?
18:11Sorry for the delay, Peter.
18:12I've been a little ooooh.
18:16Like, you're all dolled up
18:17on 34th Street
18:17waving a hanky
18:18at the boys?
18:20That's why the email
18:21was late?
18:23Twirling a decorative
18:23paper umbrella
18:24with white gloves on?
18:25I don't understand.
18:28It's fine.
18:29You've been a little ooooh.
18:29I've been a little aah.
18:30It's fine.
18:31Take your time.
18:32Take your time.
18:37My dad just got
18:38his first iPhone.
18:39He went from landline
18:40to iPhone.
18:4180 years old.
18:42Yeah, no.
18:45That's not a dad.
18:46I want you in a swivel chair
18:47at a desk writing a check,
18:48landline tucked under your chin.
18:50That's a fucking dad.
18:51I don't want to see you
18:52like this, scared of Shazam.
18:54I don't want to see that.
18:57We were having dinner
18:58at an Italian restaurant.
19:00We got there first.
19:01Me, my wife, and my daughter.
19:02We got there first.
19:03And I watched my dad
19:04walking in,
19:04and he's mashing his iPhone
19:06with his huge, thick,
19:08Boston dad fingers.
19:12Whatever you're picturing
19:13for digit girth.
19:18Quadruple it.
19:19My dad...
19:21My dad's got like
19:22five floppy donkey dicks
19:24on each mitt.
19:27He's blindly donkey dicking
19:29the screen
19:30with his thick donkey dick thumb.
19:32I know he can't see it.
19:33It's down here.
19:34He's just mashing it.
19:36I go, Dad, what are you doing?
19:37He goes, I'm trying to tip
19:38the Uber driver, Peter.
19:41It's a perfect impression.
19:43He goes, I'm trying to tip
19:45the Uber driver.
19:46I go, give me the fucking phone.
19:48I didn't say that.
19:50I'm terrified of my dad.
19:51I was like, perhaps I could
19:53help you, Papa.
19:57Oh, King of Kings.
20:02Now, Portland, I didn't fly
20:03all the way here to lie to you
20:04tonight.
20:05My dad had donkey dicked
20:07the screen so many times
20:09that he had swapped from Uber
20:11to Uber Eats.
20:14That's only one donkey dick.
20:16He was on the checkout page
20:18and there were 36
20:20steamed vegetable dumplings
20:22in his cart
20:27from a nearby Chinese restaurant.
20:30And one more donkey dick,
20:32they would have been
20:32on their way delivered
20:33to the Italian restaurant
20:36we were currently eating at.
20:3936.
20:40My dad does not want
20:4236 steamed vegetable dumplings.
20:44None of our dads do.
20:47But my father is a proud man.
20:49He's never admitted to a mistake
20:51in his life.
20:52In front of his family?
20:53What are you, nuts?
20:55So part of me wishes
20:56he had donkey dick
20:57the order button
20:58just so I could have
20:59watched him fake it.
21:02So a guy walks in
21:03with a brown paper bag
21:04my dad would have been like
21:05Oh, God!
21:08The appetizer's here!
21:11As I destined.
21:13He would have ripped open the bag
21:15pretended to not be shocked
21:16that it's three dozen
21:18steamed vegetable dumplings.
21:20And he would have dipped
21:21those shits in marinara
21:23with unbreaking eye contact.
21:25Just like,
21:26I've never made an error, Peter.
21:30Never not once.
21:33Now let's all eat my mistake.
21:36As is our family's agreement.
21:44I'm glad you guys are hip.
21:45You could understand that.
21:46The Boston accent.
21:47We tour all around
21:48and some places they go
21:49I gotta tip the Uber driver.
21:51I can see people are like
21:52Subtitle's on?
21:53You know what I mean?
21:55You guys have an ear for it.
21:56That's good.
21:58I was just watching
21:59The Lord of the Rings
22:00The Return of the King
22:01the third one.
22:02It's great.
22:03Yeah, it's fantastic.
22:04Accents is what brought it to mind.
22:06I think it's so funny
22:07whenever you watch
22:07a fantasy movie
22:08or TV show
22:09they always have
22:10a British accent.
22:11Have you noticed that?
22:13That's how they let you know
22:14that there's like dragons
22:15and goblins
22:17by using an accent
22:18that millions of people use
22:20today.
22:21That's not what's weird.
22:22What's weird is that it works.
22:24You buy it.
22:25They're like,
22:25Gandalf,
22:26we need to go to the apothecary.
22:27And you're like,
22:28oh, are these real hobbits?
22:30Like, you buy it.
22:32Is this a documentary?
22:34Like, it's real.
22:39It's real.
22:39It doesn't work
22:39with the Boston accent.
22:42You couldn't have a guy
22:43get off a horse like,
22:44there's a fucking wizard
22:45over there.
22:47There's two fucking wizards
22:49and a goblin.
22:50They're stealing unicorns.
22:52Shit's fucking retarded, kid.
22:53You know, you couldn't...
22:57I didn't say it.
22:58That idiot said it.
23:00I'm protected
23:01by the silly voice
23:02and character act of 2009.
23:05Passed by my people.
23:08Boston's love affair
23:09with the R-word
23:10is going strong.
23:13It's such a weird place.
23:14Like, it's kind of backwoods
23:15and there's Harvard.
23:16It's like pick a lane, Boston.
23:19Like, how excited was Boston
23:21when queer
23:22became the appropriate term?
23:28If you're not laughing,
23:29it's because they don't know
23:30anything happened.
23:31Do you understand?
23:33They've been going strong
23:34with queer the whole time.
23:36They were grandfathered in
23:38to being politically correct.
23:40They were just holding on
23:41to queer
23:41like GameStop stock.
23:43They just held on to it.
23:45They were diamond hands
23:46on queer.
23:48Then one magical day
23:49in Somerville, Mass,
23:50they're like,
23:51this queer likes that
23:52I'm calling them a queer.
23:53Like, it's magic.
23:55They don't know
23:56what happened.
23:58Whenever I go back
23:59to Boston,
24:00they always say
24:00the same thing.
24:01They go,
24:01you've changed, kid.
24:02you're all California now.
24:05I think it's because
24:06I acknowledge
24:06the existence
24:07of human emotion.
24:11Like, I'll tell you
24:11the most Boston story
24:13I can tell you.
24:14A couple years back,
24:15one of my best friends
24:15in high school,
24:16his dad got cancer.
24:17He got through it.
24:18He's okay now.
24:19But when he was diagnosed,
24:20it was close to Father's Day,
24:22so I decided
24:22to give him a call.
24:24And it was one of those friends
24:25that I've had for so long,
24:26I knew his landline
24:27phone number from heart.
24:28You know what I mean?
24:29By memory.
24:30Called him up
24:30like it was 1991.
24:33It was perfect.
24:33The dad answered.
24:34I was like,
24:35hello, sir.
24:35Just want to say
24:36happy Father's Day.
24:37Didn't mention the cancer.
24:38I just said,
24:39I love you.
24:40You know,
24:40I'm a dad now.
24:41I realize I learned a lot
24:42about being a good dad
24:44from watching you
24:45be a good dad.
24:46Happy Father's Day.
24:47It was a sweet call.
24:48He said,
24:48thank you.
24:49He hung up.
24:49Felt nice.
24:50Next day,
24:51his son,
24:52my friend,
24:52calls me.
24:53I saw his name
24:54on the caller ID.
24:55I was like,
24:56he's going to thank me.
25:00Get ready
25:01to feel good,
25:01Peter.
25:04I'm not making this up.
25:05I answer the phone.
25:05He goes,
25:06my father says
25:07you're having
25:07a midlife crisis.
25:13That's Boston.
25:15He goes,
25:16you said you love him?
25:17What are you,
25:17queer?
25:17That's Boston.
25:26I am a dad now.
25:27My daughter is six.
25:28I'm going to see her
25:28in two days.
25:29I can't wait.
25:30Yeah,
25:30Leela.
25:31She's the best.
25:32Anybody here have little kids,
25:33young kids?
25:35It's the best.
25:36I love it.
25:37And however you're raising
25:38your kids
25:38and how I'm raising my kid,
25:39it's so much gentler
25:41than we were raised
25:42in the 80s and 90s.
25:44You know what I mean?
25:44Like if I fell
25:45and skinned my knee,
25:46got a bloody knee
25:47in the 80s,
25:48the parent book move,
25:50like the compassionate move
25:51was my parents
25:52would be like,
25:53you're all right.
25:55And I'd be like,
25:56oh, wow.
26:03Thanks for invalidating
26:05my entire reality.
26:10I'm going to like
26:11something weird sexually
26:12because of this.
26:19pain is all right,
26:20you say?
26:26It begins!
26:30And now what we do,
26:31it's called gentle parenting.
26:32I'm not even making fun of it.
26:34I like it.
26:34If my daughter skins her knee,
26:37you just acknowledge it.
26:38You just tell her she's real.
26:39You just go,
26:40oh, yeah,
26:42big feelings.
26:45you're having a hard time.
26:47You exist.
26:49You are a citizen
26:50of this earth.
26:53I see you.
26:55And the only way
26:56you could express yourself
26:58was to start a fire
26:59in daddy's study.
27:00I see that.
27:05I'm not even making fun of it.
27:06I just wish my daughter
27:09knew how much better
27:11she has it
27:12than we had it.
27:13You know what I mean?
27:14Like, I don't want to tell her,
27:16but I want someone to tell her.
27:18You know what I'm saying?
27:21Like, I sometimes fantasize
27:22like a portal could open up
27:24and like a ghost
27:24could come out,
27:25like a Charles Dickens,
27:27like a friendly ghost
27:27with a top hat.
27:30She could come out
27:31and whisk my daughter away
27:32and take her to a scene
27:33from my childhood
27:33so she could compare.
27:35You know what I mean?
27:36Like a Christmas carol,
27:37you know what I'm saying?
27:38Like, I'll give you an example.
27:39I was giving my daughter Lila,
27:40her name is Lila,
27:41I was giving Lila a piggyback
27:42and she's tall like her dad,
27:43so I'm feeling her on there.
27:44and then she let go
27:45with her legs,
27:46but she held on
27:47with her hands.
27:49And she got me on an exhale,
27:52so...
27:54It was dire.
27:56She doesn't know
27:57how the human body works,
27:58so she's laughing.
27:59I'm tapping.
28:01Trying to tap out.
28:02She doesn't know
28:02what the fuck that means.
28:04She's not a Rogan fan.
28:05We're raising her right,
28:06you know what I mean?
28:12So I had to break her grip.
28:14I broke her grip.
28:15She lands on her feet.
28:16I turn around
28:17and she's sad.
28:18And then, Portland,
28:19I apologized.
28:22And I meant it.
28:24I was like,
28:24oh, baby,
28:25you wanted to choke, daddy.
28:30I'm sorry,
28:31I couldn't provide
28:31that experience
28:32for you today.
28:37And it's moments like that
28:38that I wish the portal
28:39would open up
28:41and the ghost would come out
28:42and take my daughter's hand,
28:43like, come, child.
28:45I'll take you to a moment
28:46in Peter's childhood
28:47when his father apologized to him.
28:50And they go in the portal
28:51and it's just perfect darkness
28:53and silence.
28:57My daughter's like,
28:58but spirit,
28:59there's nothing here.
29:00And he's like,
29:01exactly.
29:09whenever I've wanted my dad
29:10to apologize to me
29:11for hurting my feelings,
29:13I always just end up
29:14apologizing to him
29:15for having hurt feelings.
29:18And that's not a big laugh line,
29:20but if you go home
29:21feeling a little bit less alone,
29:23that's also my job.
29:24You know what I mean?
29:28and then a portal opens
29:30and a ghost takes me
29:31to my dad's childhood.
29:34He's six years old,
29:36he already has two full-time jobs.
29:39He's eating a broken glass sandwich.
29:40I'm like,
29:41oh, sorry, sir.
29:42Yep.
29:43We all have our reasons,
29:45don't we?
29:45Love you, Pop.
29:46Love you.
29:46Love you.
29:52You know what I wasn't ready for
29:53as a dad?
29:54There's this weird phenomenon,
29:56how much more you love your kids
29:58than other people's kids.
29:59And I know,
30:00I know,
30:01that's not a polite thing to say.
30:04But if we can't talk here,
30:06you know what I mean?
30:07Let's talk here.
30:09It's a real phenomenon.
30:11I love all children,
30:12but I love my baby girl
30:13so much more.
30:14You can't help it.
30:15Like, I'll give you an example.
30:16I'm not proud of this story.
30:20But I'm also not ashamed of it.
30:22You know what I mean?
30:23Like, we were at a birthday party.
30:24It was in a park.
30:25My daughter was three years old
30:26at the time,
30:27and there was a carousel.
30:28She had never seen a carousel
30:29in her life.
30:30She was transfixed.
30:31She lit up,
30:32and I went up to her,
30:33and I said,
30:33baby,
30:34I promise we're gonna ride
30:35that carousel,
30:36you and me.
30:37Before the day is done,
30:38we're gonna ride
30:38the carousel together.
30:40She smiled.
30:40It warmed my heart.
30:41That's a sacred thing.
30:42That's a daddy-daughter promise.
30:44You don't mess around with that.
30:45A couple hours later,
30:47a friend of mine
30:47who knows I made that promise
30:48comes running up to me.
30:49He goes,
30:50Pete,
30:50it's the last carousel ride
30:51of the day.
30:52So I scooped Leela up,
30:53and I ran as fast as I could
30:55across the field
30:56towards the carousel.
30:57We got there just in time.
30:58We got in line.
30:59At that very moment,
31:00my friend Scott,
31:01that's his real name.
31:02That's an unnecessary betrayal.
31:06My friend Scott runs up to me.
31:08He's white as a ghost.
31:09He's out of breath.
31:10He goes,
31:10Pete,
31:12have you seen River?
31:14I can't find River.
31:16He couldn't find,
31:18he couldn't find his kid.
31:24We were in line.
31:25It's a biological urge.
31:28They were letting people
31:29through the turnstile.
31:30I'm not proud,
31:31but this is a true story.
31:33I went like this.
31:34I went,
31:34oh, no.
31:41River.
31:49What was she wearing?
31:52Blue?
31:54Blue?
31:58Blue overalls,
31:59and then I was whisked away
32:00by a wooden horse
32:01with a frozen face.
32:03As soon as the ride started,
32:05I regretted it.
32:06This is true.
32:07So when the ride was facing the park,
32:08I would keep an eye out
32:09so I wouldn't feel
32:10like a total piece of shit.
32:12So it was like this.
32:13It was like,
32:15river!
32:19You can't help from a horse.
32:21What would I do if I saw her?
32:22Stay put, baby!
32:24Help is coming,
32:25not from me.
32:27I'm engaged in whimsy!
32:33Yeah, they found her.
32:35That would be fucked up
32:36if I was like,
32:36and she's gone.
32:37Yeah, she's gone.
32:39I really regret my decision.
32:42I should have lent a helping hand.
32:45She was barely gone
32:46one carousel ride.
32:48I want to care about everybody.
32:50There's just so many of us.
32:55Look, I could tell you stories
32:57where I win,
32:58where I do the right thing.
32:59What is gained there?
33:00We all let ourselves down.
33:02Project your shame onto me
33:03and laugh at it.
33:04Leave in a slightly better mood.
33:06This is shadow work.
33:07Do you understand?
33:08This is shadow...
33:09You're doing the work.
33:11Who cares?
33:12And I did the right thing
33:13and I was awesome.
33:14Get the fuck out of here.
33:15This is comedy.
33:17True story.
33:18We're driving in the mountains
33:19on a perilous two-lane highway.
33:21There's no guardrail.
33:22There's crevasse...
33:23Crevaille.
33:24There's two crevasses.
33:26There's a crevasse here
33:27and a crevasse on either...
33:29Two crevasses.
33:32Dangerous road.
33:33In front of us,
33:34there's a Jeep Cherokee.
33:35I think this adds color to the story.
33:37He has a custom bumper sticker
33:38over the entirety
33:39of his back windshield.
33:41It said...
33:41I'm not making this up.
33:42It said,
33:43Smoke pot.
33:44Eat twat.
33:47Smile a lot.
33:48That's what it said.
33:51In big block silver letters
33:53for children and clergy to read
33:57with a glance.
33:59Smoke pot.
34:00Eat twat.
34:01I hadn't even thought
34:02of that expression
34:04in years.
34:05Eat twat.
34:06And I heard some of the ladies
34:07cheering like,
34:08yay, kind of lingus.
34:09But come on.
34:11Ladies, you know.
34:13No guy that calls it
34:15eating twat.
34:19There's no way he's any good at it.
34:21There's no way.
34:25No woman has ever been like,
34:26and he said,
34:27may I eat your twat?
34:30And boy, oh boy,
34:31am I glad I said yes.
34:33Because that man
34:34was a twat gobbler.
34:35He gobbled it up.
34:36He gave it a righteous
34:38gobble gobble.
34:40Afterwards,
34:41he smoked a joint.
34:42He wouldn't stop smiling.
34:43It was the best.
34:45It was the best day
34:46of his life.
34:49Smoke pot.
34:50Eat twat.
34:50That is the most American
34:51sticker I've ever seen
34:53in my life.
34:54We left England
34:55for the freedom
34:56to say things like that.
34:57You'd never see that
34:58in England.
34:59Smoke pot, eat twat.
35:00Also, I was just there.
35:01They don't say twat
35:02in England.
35:02They say twat.
35:05So it wouldn't work.
35:07Ruins...
35:09Ruins the rhyme.
35:11Smoke pot, eat twat.
35:13Doesn't work.
35:19They could do smoke-a-blunt.
35:22Dude.
35:28Oh, this is the best
35:30scene in the house.
35:31I just got to watch
35:32600 Portland Sweeties
35:34be like...
35:39They're a lot looser
35:40with that word over there.
35:42But anyway,
35:43it's a story about
35:43being uncaring, remember?
35:45You don't need to remember.
35:46That's my job.
35:47The Jeep,
35:48smoke pot guy,
35:49starts veering off the road.
35:51He's probably
35:51Google image searching twats.
35:54Starts veering off the road
35:55towards a cliff face.
35:56And I swear to God,
35:57it's the middle of the day.
35:58Val is with me.
35:58I don't remember
35:59making the choice
36:00to do this.
36:00But this is what I did.
36:01I went,
36:02Bye.
36:10It would have taken
36:11less effort
36:12to honk the horn,
36:13but I just went,
36:14Bye.
36:17He corrected.
36:18That would be fucked up
36:19if I was like,
36:19he did a fiery cart reel
36:21right down that mountain.
36:23He's eating twat in hell now, boy.
36:29I'm getting closer
36:30to the end of my life,
36:32not the show,
36:33my life.
36:34I'm 45.
36:35You know how I know
36:36I'm getting older?
36:37As I got in bed
36:38the other night,
36:38I was barefoot,
36:40so I rubbed my barefoot
36:41on Val's barefoot.
36:43You know,
36:44keeping the passion alive.
36:47I'm not making this up.
36:48My wife goes,
36:49Are you wearing shoes?
36:56I'm going to die soon.
36:58I got those Nike feet.
37:01I got those Timberland toes.
37:04You know what else happens
37:05in my 40s
37:06that never happened
37:06in my 20s?
37:07Like five, six, seven,
37:08eight times a day,
37:09I'll eat something
37:10and it'll just stop.
37:12It just stops here.
37:14It's like I don't have
37:15enough spit to get it down.
37:17Never happened in my 20s.
37:18In my 20s,
37:19I could eat a rolled up
37:19ball of sandpaper,
37:20go down like a water slide.
37:22This just happened backstage.
37:23I ate an almond
37:24and it just stops.
37:26It's too dry.
37:27It's like I have
37:27throat menopause,
37:28so it just lodges.
37:31So six, seven,
37:32eight times a day,
37:33I think I'm going to die.
37:34I think I'm choking.
37:35And based on how I react,
37:37I am not going to have
37:38a chill death, you guys.
37:41I am not going to be
37:42cool about it.
37:44Some people are.
37:44Some people have
37:45glorious deaths.
37:46They're surrounded
37:47by their family
37:47on their bed.
37:48They're just like,
37:49It's been my privilege
37:50to love you.
37:53They just dissolve away.
37:55A breeze blows through
37:55the curtains
37:56and a candle goes out.
37:57They're like,
37:57Nana!
37:58You know what I mean?
38:00Not me.
38:01I'm going to be like,
38:01Ah!
38:03It should be you!
38:09They're going to ask the nurse,
38:10What were his last words?
38:11Well, he screamed,
38:12It should be you.
38:15And then he pointed
38:15directly at his wife,
38:17so that's his legacy.
38:22One time it happened
38:23in a corn maze,
38:24that choking thing.
38:25I was following my daughter
38:27into a corn maze.
38:28I was in the center
38:28of the maze,
38:29took a bite out of a roll.
38:31I didn't know how long
38:32I was going to be in there.
38:35So I brought provisions.
38:40You know,
38:41you got to plan ahead.
38:42So I took a bite out
38:43of a roll
38:44in a corn maze.
38:45That was a risky move
38:46for me,
38:46seeing as I didn't have
38:47a gallon of water
38:48to wash it down with.
38:51And I chewed it.
38:52I chew it.
38:53But it wasn't 100% liquid,
38:54so it was still
38:55in the danger zone
38:56for old Petey.
38:58Swallowed it.
38:59Stops right here.
39:00Think I'm going to die.
39:02Suddenly I'm like
39:02the blonde woman
39:03in the first Matrix movie.
39:04I'm like,
39:06Not like this.
39:08You know what I mean?
39:09If you're laughing,
39:10you're 40.
39:11not like this.
39:13I can't die
39:14in a corn maze.
39:15I can't have the paramedics
39:17entering a corn maze
39:18like,
39:18Follow one wall!
39:20You know what I mean?
39:22Getting slowed down,
39:23answering riddles
39:24from a minotaur
39:25while I drain out.
39:29So you know what I did?
39:30I just realized
39:31I was in a corn maze.
39:32That's the best kind
39:32of maze to choke in.
39:34So I just broke down
39:35three walls of the maze
39:36like the Kool-Aid man.
39:38got on the outside perimeter,
39:40got on my knees
39:40and hocked it up
39:41like a seagull
39:42eating bad shellfish.
39:43I'm like,
39:43Ah!
39:45Ah!
39:46My daughter's there
39:47with a pinwheel
39:48like,
39:48Dad,
39:48I'm like,
39:49Ah!
39:51I kept yelling
39:51I'm okay
39:52but no one was checking.
39:55That's a lonely feeling.
39:56You're like,
39:56I'm all right!
39:57They're like,
39:57We didn't care.
39:59We just thought
40:00you were in your 40s
40:01and you ate something dry.
40:06At the end of the day,
40:07I think dying
40:07is going to be a lot
40:08like pooping your pants
40:09in your car.
40:13It sucks
40:14if you resist it.
40:16Does that...
40:20Like it's your resistance
40:21that creates the suffering.
40:24Like you're five blocks
40:25from your house
40:25so you're clenching
40:26you're like,
40:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
40:28I can make it,
40:29I can make it,
40:29I can make it!
40:31But as soon as
40:32it's inevitable
40:32and you just surrender
40:33you're just like
40:36Ah, sweet release!
40:39Why was I afraid of this?
40:43This is the best day
40:44of my life!
40:47That's what I think
40:48death is going to be like.
40:54I'd be remiss
40:55if I didn't do
40:55one joke about God.
40:57I like to do jokes
40:58about God.
40:59Yeah, thank you.
41:01My mom wanted me
41:02to be a youth pastor
41:03and when I became
41:04a comedian
41:04she said,
41:05Close enough.
41:06So,
41:07do a joke about God.
41:08I believe in God
41:09but it's tricky.
41:10It's tricky to do jokes
41:11about God
41:11because a lot of people
41:12don't believe in God.
41:13So you start talking
41:14about God,
41:15they get bored.
41:16you might as well
41:16be talking about
41:17a unicorn.
41:19And there are a lot
41:19of people who do
41:20believe in God.
41:20They get tense.
41:22They're like,
41:22this motherfucker
41:23better not make fun
41:23of my unicorn.
41:24You know what I mean?
41:30So that's just a fancy
41:31way of saying
41:32this next part
41:32is just for me.
41:35I believe in God.
41:37I just don't think
41:38God cares
41:38that I believe in God.
41:40I think that's a weird
41:41thing that we made up.
41:42That God is up there
41:44like,
41:44they don't,
41:45they don't believe in me?
41:49Didn't they see
41:50all the rainbows?
41:51Like, what?
41:54What kind of candy-ass God
41:58is up there like,
41:59if they don't believe
41:59in me,
42:00my powers won't work.
42:03That's not God.
42:05That's Santa, bitch.
42:06You know what I mean?
42:08That's a disservice
42:09to God.
42:10But all my friends
42:11are comedians,
42:12which is just a fancy
42:14way of saying
42:14all my friends
42:15are atheists.
42:17So they make fun of me.
42:19They say,
42:19Pete,
42:19there's no evidence
42:20for God here.
42:21There's no evidence.
42:23This is the phenomenon
42:24inside the phenomenon.
42:26You know what I mean?
42:27What more?
42:29What more?
42:31What more?
42:34Also,
42:34I completely agree.
42:35You won't find evidence
42:37for God here.
42:38What are you, nuts?
42:39We're like characters
42:40in a book
42:41looking for evidence
42:42of the author
42:43inside the book.
42:44God,
42:45I hope you're stoned.
42:46We're like,
42:50we're like characters
42:51in a book
42:52looking for evidence
42:53of the author
42:54inside the book.
42:55But the author
42:56isn't in the book.
42:58Do you understand?
42:59Harry Potter
43:00can't find J.K. Rowling
43:01at Hogwarts.
43:03She's not there.
43:05So that might be
43:05frustrating for him.
43:07It would be
43:07within his rights
43:08to be like,
43:09well, this is
43:09fucking bullshit.
43:10You know what I mean?
43:12But deep down
43:13in his essence,
43:14Harry Potter
43:15is J.K. Rowling.
43:17He borrows his reality
43:18from J.K. Rowling.
43:19His mind
43:20is an apparent
43:21limitation
43:22of J.K. Rowling's mind.
43:23And the greatest evidence
43:24of an author
43:25isn't in the book.
43:27The greatest evidence
43:27of the author
43:28is the book.
43:29And there is a book.
43:31Let's pray.
43:31Heavenly Father,
43:34we are fish
43:35looking for water.
43:40And if you don't
43:41believe in God,
43:42that makes perfect sense
43:43to me.
43:43That's a valid opinion.
43:44You don't even have
43:45to explain that to me.
43:46What makes no sense
43:47is if you believe
43:48in God,
43:49this timeless,
43:50boundless,
43:51eternal ground
43:52of all being,
43:53and you think
43:54that God
43:55is mad at you,
43:57fucking get over yourself.
44:00What is this ego trip?
44:02Oh, I touched my wiener.
44:04He's after me now.
44:07Like, J.K. Rowling
44:09isn't mad
44:10at Harry Potter.
44:11Does that help
44:11that make sense?
44:12She's not like,
44:13he did what?
44:16Oh, I can't wait
44:17to torture this fucker
44:19in a furnace.
44:19That's insane.
44:22J.K. Rowling
44:23isn't mad at you.
44:27Even if some of us
44:28are pretty mad
44:29at J.K. Rowling.
44:39I just found out
44:40you poop your pants
44:40when you die.
44:42That really changed
44:43the John Wick movies
44:44for me.
44:50Get out of that room,
44:52Keanu.
44:54The fight's over.
44:55Seek fresh air.
44:58We're almost done,
44:59by the way.
44:59You're gonna be farting
45:00in your car
45:00in like 10 minutes.
45:04And for some of you,
45:05that's gonna be
45:05the best part
45:06of your night.
45:07You drove here alone,
45:08you're gonna hear
45:08that car door seal,
45:09you're gonna be like,
45:10it's gonna be amazing.
45:13You could roll
45:14the window down,
45:14but you're like,
45:15no.
45:18I wanna know myself,
45:19you know what I mean?
45:21You're lowering
45:22the resale value
45:23for some self-exploration.
45:30I love my wife
45:31very much.
45:32She's actually right there.
45:33She's right there.
45:34Thank you.
45:38I talk to my wife
45:39just like I talk
45:40to my friends.
45:41I'll give you an example.
45:42We were talking
45:42about Subway.
45:43Remember when we all
45:44loved Subway?
45:46Don't leave me alone
45:47in this moment.
45:50Yeah, we liked it.
45:51We loved Subway sandwiches.
45:52I recall there being a lime.
45:55It was a popular establishment.
45:58I used to fucking
45:58love Subway sandwiches.
46:00I used to pull off
46:00the highway
46:01to eat at a Subway sandwiches,
46:03to eat what I thought
46:04was a health food.
46:06I was proud.
46:07I was like,
46:07I can't wait to tell
46:08my doctor I was good today.
46:11My doctor's like,
46:11your cholesterol's
46:12through the roof.
46:13I'm like,
46:13check it again, dipshit.
46:18I've been eating
46:19highway hoagies.
46:24It's like one day
46:24in the late 2010s,
46:26we all got a wireless
46:27transmission.
46:28It was like,
46:28no more Subway
46:29and no more Dave Matthews.
46:31It was the same day.
46:34No more DMB,
46:35no more BMTs.
46:37It's over.
46:38Same day.
46:39It was a hard day
46:39for the whites.
46:43It was a rough one
46:44for the whites.
46:46When I was talking
46:47to Val about Subway,
46:48I go,
46:48sweetheart,
46:49what was your sandwich?
46:50Mine was boring.
46:50It was a six-inch turkey.
46:52What was yours?
46:53And Val goes,
46:54six-inch meatball.
46:55Then I said,
46:56without fear
46:57or hesitation,
46:59ooh,
47:00the hungry girl's choice.
47:05Don't you back away.
47:07I fucking love my wife.
47:09You know I'm right.
47:10That is the hungry girl's choice.
47:11That is a low blood sugar sandwich.
47:13You don't eat
47:14a six-inch meatball.
47:15You honk it down.
47:18You have to unhinge your jaw
47:20like an anaconda
47:21and slide it in dry.
47:23You slide it in dry.
47:25You can see the outline
47:27of three meatballs
47:28going down your gullet
47:29like mice.
47:32It's too much meat,
47:33not enough bread.
47:34Doesn't work
47:35from an engineering perspective.
47:37It's like three
47:38Wisconsin round boys
47:39in a tiny canoe.
47:40It's gonna tip.
47:43But here's my point.
47:44She wasn't mad.
47:45She laughed.
47:47We had sex later that day.
47:51Find a buddy.
47:53Right?
47:56And I love my wife
47:57for who she is on the inside.
47:58The outside gets you
47:59through the door,
48:00but 12 years together,
48:01you stick around
48:01for the inside.
48:02And I know people say that.
48:04They say that a lot,
48:05but I've really played it out
48:06like a thought experiment.
48:09Like if I woke up
48:10one morning
48:11and my wife, Val,
48:12was just magically a dude,
48:15I would roll with it.
48:18That's how you gotta
48:19love your partner.
48:21You gotta be willing
48:22to swap teams
48:22for your partner.
48:24This is gonna lead
48:25to some uncomfortable
48:26car rides home
48:26for some of you.
48:28That's how you gotta
48:28love your partner.
48:29I wouldn't hesitate.
48:30I'd be excited.
48:31Dude, Val,
48:32what are you, nuts?
48:33Be like,
48:34where's this going?
48:36Mostly because I'm 45.
48:38I'm just so tired.
48:40You know what I mean?
48:44You do it.
48:45You know what I mean?
48:50You get to work.
48:52You go see how lonely
48:53it is back there.
48:55Humping and thrusting,
48:56sweating like an orangutan.
48:57You do it.
48:59You put in the hump pump.
49:00I wanna lay there.
49:02That looks nice.
49:04I wanna lay there
49:05like a power-down robot.
49:06That looks nice.
49:09Splayed out
49:09like a bearskin rug.
49:10You do the cardio.
49:13I wanna lay there.
49:14You have a heart attack.
49:15I wanna lean on one elbow
49:16and plan my day.
49:18That looks nice.
49:27See, a smarter comedian
49:28would have been like,
49:29goodnight,
49:30you guys work great.
49:34But I got one more.
49:37So,
49:42so if you have a special laugh
49:44you've been saving
49:46like a butterfly in a jar,
49:47break it on this one.
49:49I'm doing some new stuff.
49:51Maybe you're doing new stuff
49:52like,
49:55nah, I'm not keeping that.
49:58You know what I mean?
49:59Open mic it a little bit.
50:02This one starts kind of sad.
50:03I was watching this horrible
50:05true life reality show
50:06called the,
50:07true crime reality show
50:09called the News.
50:12And there was a sad story
50:14about this crooked psychic.
50:15He was conning widows
50:16into having sex with him
50:18by having a seance.
50:19He'd conjure up the spirit
50:20of their dead husbands.
50:21He'd come into the room.
50:22I know, it's terrible.
50:23He'd come into the room naked,
50:25dark room.
50:25They would think it was
50:26their husband
50:26and they'd have sex.
50:28It's over.
50:29They caught him.
50:30There's nothing funny about it.
50:31It's a little funny.
50:31It's a little funny.
50:33But not in a way
50:34that I can talk about.
50:35You riff on it
50:36on the ride home.
50:39Since when are you circumcised?
50:41Stuff like that.
50:45I'm not gonna say it.
50:50When I saw that story
50:51I was like,
50:51that's fucked up
50:52but that would never work
50:52with me and Val.
50:53No one has sex
50:55like me and Val.
50:56And I don't mean that
50:57in a good way.
51:00When you've been together
51:01for 12 years
51:02and you're in your 40s
51:02this is a little glimpse.
51:03There's a routine
51:04to our sex.
51:05It's the same every time.
51:07Like if I want to have sex
51:08with Val
51:08the first step is
51:09I pause the TV.
51:13That's how she knows
51:14something's afoot.
51:20It's either
51:20a sneaky pizza
51:21or sex.
51:24If it's not a pizza
51:25the second step is
51:27I look at her
51:27and I wiggle my eyebrows
51:28like this.
51:29I go.
51:32Like a fat guy
51:32in a cartoon
51:33looking at a hot dog.
51:34Like mmm.
51:37Third step.
51:38For some reason
51:39always in the voice
51:40of Jack Lemmon
51:40I go
51:41you've awoken
51:43in me
51:43a primal urge.
51:49Can't you just feel
51:50in your stomach
51:51that this is real?
51:52Why would I make that up?
51:53You've awoken
51:54in me
51:55a primal urge.
51:57The last step
51:58is if Val
51:59takes her clothes off
51:59if she goes with it.
52:00I've never seen
52:01my wife naked
52:02just getting ready
52:03in the morning
52:03or to have sex.
52:04I've never seen her naked
52:05without reflexively
52:07involuntarily.
52:08That means I have
52:08to say
52:09what a baby-erino.
52:11I have to say it.
52:13It doesn't matter
52:14if it ruins the mood
52:14I'm like
52:15what a baby-erino.
52:16I have to do it.
52:19Lately I've been
52:19mixing it up with
52:20pardon me madam.
52:22That's what I...
52:27So you can laugh
52:28and maybe that's
52:29an overshare
52:31but we'll see
52:32who's laughing
52:32when a psychic
52:33can't fuck my wife
52:34after I'm dead.
52:37Partly you guys
52:37are incredible.
52:40Good night, everybody.
52:41Thank you.
52:43God love you.
52:43Bye-bye.
52:54Bye-bye.
52:55I'm ashamed
52:57you'll never be
52:58nothing but a city
52:59city fun boy
53:00And ain't nothing
53:02gonna be the same
53:03Now the city boy
53:04knows your name
53:05Ain't gonna think
53:06about you all day
53:07But he's never gonna
53:09find a way
53:10to play
53:11Oh
53:12Take a look at me
53:13city girl
53:15I can't lie to you
53:16I'll never be
53:17nothing but a city
53:18city fun boy
53:19But I dream about
53:20being with you
53:21someday
53:22And I wish
53:23that I could
53:24find a way
53:24To be
53:25anything
53:27But a fun boy
53:30Nobody
53:32is looking for
53:32a fun boy
53:35Nobody
53:36is looking for
53:37a fun boy
53:42No
53:42Wake up
53:43in the
53:43This is not
53:44it's a
53:44It's a
53:44It's a
53:44It's a
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