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00:00MUSIC
00:28Thank you so much.
00:30Wow.
00:36Thank you so much and welcome to Balls of Steel.
00:39I'm Mark Dolan and tonight the group of new comedians and performers will attempt to
00:43impress us with the size of their balls.
00:45We'll be seeing scenes like this.
00:47The black country!
00:49Black folks got their own country.
00:50We're not good enough to live in your country.
00:53There will be some of this.
00:55I'm going to do a tweet.
00:56You look lovely.
00:57Oh!
00:58And there will be loads of this.
01:02So here's my first guest.
01:04He's the man with all the answers.
01:05It's Alex Zane.
01:10Well done.
01:12Well done.
01:13Well done.
01:13Good to see you.
01:38I'm going to put some time on my hands.
01:40Well, it looks to me like an air conditioning unit.
01:42Bang on.
01:43It is an air conditioning unit.
01:46To me, to you, it's an air conditioning unit.
01:48You put some flashing lights on that.
01:49To a game show contestant, it becomes a lie detector.
01:54I see.
01:55OK.
01:55How does the game work?
01:56It's simply called The Lying Game.
01:58We hook up said game show contestant to our lie detector and then convince them that if
02:03they tell the truth, they win big money.
02:06And I'm going to be honest with you, I wasn't sure this was going to work.
02:08I was a bit lukewarm towards it.
02:11This worked above and beyond my wildest dreams.
02:15It's quite a phenomenal experience.
02:17OK, Alex.
02:18Well, with trepidation, let's take a look.
02:27Hello and welcome to The Alex Zane Lying Game.
02:32Nice to see you.
02:33Yes, it is.
02:34This is the only game on TV where it really pays to tell the truth.
02:38Honesty always pays because if you end up telling porkies, it'll be walkies.
02:45Playing the game with us tonight is Ranj.
02:48Good evening, Ranj.
02:49Hi, how are you doing?
02:50I'm well, how are you?
02:51Ranj, please say hello to your grand inquisitor tonight, Hal Al.
03:00Now, Hal is Horanistic Algorithmic Asianistic Lie Detector, Hal Al for short.
03:09So, Ranj is having the diet attached to both his wrists and his temples the optimum place
03:15to measure body temperature, heart rate and pulse rate.
03:19Please, if we could have the lights lowered, Ranj.
03:23Who did you vote for in the last election?
03:26I voted in the last election for the Liberal Democrats.
03:33Telling the truth.
03:34That's a great start, Ranj.
03:36Have you ever wet the bed recently?
03:38Um, I can safely say that I have never wet the bed recently.
03:44The machine says you're lying, Ranj.
03:47Okay, it is possible that I have wet the bed in my sleep.
03:54When did you last watch a porn film?
03:58Um, the last time I watched a porn film was two nights ago.
04:06Ranj, can you tell us what it was called?
04:11Um, I honestly can't remember the name of it.
04:15Well, you can if you try.
04:17Okay, let me think.
04:20I think it was called Daddy's Little Girl.
04:27Apparently it was called Daddy's Little Girl.
04:32Have you ever masturbated at work?
04:36Um, yes I have.
04:39I have masturbated at work, yes.
04:42Um, good.
04:46Um, would you like to elaborate on that?
04:49No, I wouldn't like to elaborate on that.
04:53Okay then, um...
04:56And for my profession, there's a lot of dark corners
04:59and I went with someone and they wanted to see me do it, so...
05:07Ranj, are you gay?
05:08Um, no, I'm not gay.
05:12What's thinking?
05:15I am definitely 100% not gay.
05:19Okay, well, I may be like 10% gay, yes.
05:23I mean...
05:25You have to be honest with yourself, right?
05:27I mean, if you look inside, you think you could be gay.
05:30Gay?
05:31Perhaps?
05:32Yeah, maybe a little bit gay, yes.
05:35I mean, look at me.
05:37Just as the only other man here right now, do you fancy me?
05:41Um, I think you're attractive, but no, I don't fancy you.
05:45Ooh.
05:47Sadly, that's an incorrect answer.
05:49It means Halal has caught you out, but...
05:52Don't worry, Ranj, porkies does not yet mean walkies,
05:56because we're going to give you a chance to win back all the money
05:58as we play What's Your Magic Number?
06:02So, if we could have the lights dimmed one last time.
06:08How big in inches is your penis?
06:11Okay.
06:12Six inches.
06:13Five inches.
06:15My penis is seven inches.
06:18My penis is four inches.
06:20My penis is one inch.
06:26I've just checked.
06:28Sadly, we were out of time on that last answer.
06:32Ranj, oh, Halal knows all.
06:35Telling porkies means it's walkies for you tonight, Ranj.
06:39Thank you for playing.
06:40It's goodbye.
06:41From the Alex Zane line game.
06:43Bye-bye.
06:44Ranj, if you could wave to your camera.
06:46That's fantastic.
06:47And, uh, keep waving that.
06:50You can always try using both hands.
06:51Big goodbye.
06:52Big goodbye.
06:53Couple of salutes.
07:00And I'd just like to confirm that Danny's Little Girl
07:03is a proper legal porn movie,
07:05and available in all good porn superstores.
07:08Thanks, Alex.
07:09That was fantastic.
07:10Was that guy okay afterwards?
07:12Well, in the big scheme of things,
07:13you know, he masturbates and dark corners of work
07:16while people watch.
07:17I'm not sure that was his biggest problem.
07:19He had worked down the list.
07:21I did love...
07:23Do you know what I loved?
07:24I loved the fact he said he was 10% gay.
07:26Yes.
07:27I love the idea that, you know, someone might be 10% gay
07:30and how annoying it would be if that 10% was your cock.
07:35Just go, baby, oh, I love you.
07:38He loves bum.
07:39Yeah, yeah.
07:42Okay, great stuff.
07:43Thanks, Alex.
07:44And before you go, I would just like to say that my penis
07:47is definitely 10 inches long.
07:50Thanks for lending me that machine.
07:51Very useful.
07:52Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Zane!
07:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:01At the end of tonight's show,
08:02we're going to need to select a winner,
08:04and that's where our studio audience comes in.
08:06They've all got an electronic keypad to vote for their favourite.
08:09Whoever gets the most votes wins,
08:10and I then will present the victor
08:11with a coveted Balls of Steel trophy.
08:14It could not be simpler.
08:15If you want to go interactive at home,
08:17press your red button now.
08:19You'll miss the rest of the show,
08:21but at least you'll know the weather for the next few days.
08:23LAUGHTER
08:25It's time now for my next guest.
08:27Please welcome Todju, the militant black guy!
08:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:37So good to have you, Todju.
08:40Welcome.
08:41Bored and actually hurt.
08:45Todju, brilliant to have you on Balls of Steel.
08:47What have you been up to this week?
08:49Pretty much the same as usual.
08:50You know, dressing up as a Black Panther,
08:52fucking up the lives of white folks, such as yourself.
08:54OK, well, I think it turns out it's fair game.
08:57Let's have a look at it.
09:05MUSIC
09:17Uh, excuse me.
09:19What animals do you have in there exactly?
09:22It's a vacuum.
09:27Coon?
09:27Who are you calling Coon?
09:29No one.
09:30I was telling you there's a raccoon in the cage.
09:31I asked you what animal you had trapped in the cage.
09:34I didn't ask you to incite racial hatred.
09:37Now, what animal do you have trapped in the cage?
09:41It's a raccoon.
09:42Don't keep repeating it, girl.
09:43Don't compound the error.
09:45Mmm.
09:46Damn, I'm getting heated.
09:48Damn, I'm getting hot.
09:50Damn, you're enraging me.
10:02Some friends of mine went to a lovely little place in the Midlands, Dudley, Wolverhampton
10:10and, er, er, Walsall, I believe it is.
10:14The place is called the, er...
10:16Oh, the Black Country.
10:21The Black Country?
10:23Black folks got their own country?
10:25You're not good enough to live in.
10:26Your country?
10:27No, it's just a sort of country.
10:29So why is it called the Black Country?
10:31I don't know.
10:33It's called the Black Country because it's specifically for black folk.
10:36When I think about the Black Country, I think about separation.
10:38I think about segregation.
10:40I think about frustration.
10:42I think about elimination.
10:44I think about the proclamation.
10:55Hello, my brother.
10:57Er, I'm looking for something, er, slightly different for my breakfast.
11:01What would you, er, recommend?
11:09Is that some sort of racial implication on myself and on my being, Black Pudding?
11:17I step into your store to actually get some kind of relief and all I'm getting is racial grief.
11:22As I stare at you, I feel pain.
11:24As I stare at you, I am losing my mind and my brain and the rage that is inside.
11:29I can no longer contain Black Pudding.
11:32I think of the cotton fields.
11:34I think of whipping.
11:35I think of the slave master.
11:37I think of straw hats.
11:38Now, what I want to know is, what is your motivation for this racial implication that has created this situation
11:44and this frustration upon this nation?
11:48You know what, I changed my mind.
11:50Give me a motherfucking scotch egg, okay?
12:00Wow.
12:03So, did you enjoy giving white folks a hard time?
12:08Yeah, yeah.
12:09I think so.
12:10I think that's a no-brainer.
12:11Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Jew, the militant black guy.
12:16Well done, big boy.
12:22For those of you watching at home in widescreen, please beware my next guest and back away from the screen.
12:28Ladies and gentlemen, it's the naked man, Robin Huxtable.
12:37You've got it going.
12:43Okay.
12:46Just give the audience a chance to settle down.
12:51Maybe orgasm or vomit, in that order.
12:55Robin Huxtable, can you explain to the viewers why you're naked?
12:58I'm flying the flag for British nudism, Mark.
13:02So, where did you go this week?
13:04I went to the Lake District where I spent the day surprising ramblers.
13:07Mm-hmm.
13:11So, let's see how you got on.
13:34Here I am in beautiful Keswick, I'm going to do some shopping, and I'm going to spread the word about
13:39the Naked Revolution.
13:45Get it now and give us a chance.
13:49Go nude!
13:51Join us!
14:07Go to St. Olaf, oh.
14:09Come on, we're going somewhere else.
14:10We'll have a problem.
14:12Ahhhh!
14:15Wow, wow, wow.
14:18Wow!
14:18Wow!
14:18Like, you know, you're going somewhere else will you?
14:21Wow!
14:21Wow, wow, wow!
14:22Can you show me, er, which way I should go to get a nice view?
14:28Oh, that way?
14:29Yep.
14:29Is there a good view up there?
14:30Yes.
14:34Hello.
14:35I'm going round the country, er, spreading the word about nudism.
14:40Do you fancy joining me?
14:42Yeah, if it was a bit sunnier.
14:45You'd make a lovely nudist.
14:48Shall I give you a hand?
14:52Yeah, pull me.
14:52I won't pull you, I don't worry.
14:54I'm here as a man of peace, trying to help.
14:59Oh, it's a wonderful thing if you enjoy the nature,
15:02if you feel the wind against your buttocks, it really adds to the pleasure.
15:13It's time for a well-earned rest.
15:16Find myself a room.
15:18Clear off.
15:19Come on.
15:20I knew that.
15:29So, you're saying I can come in, but I'd stay with the dog?
15:40Evening, sirs.
15:41How are you?
15:42What the fuck?
15:43A beautiful view, isn't it?
15:47Oh, fuck.
15:49Oh, fuck.
15:49Oh, fuck.
15:49Oh, fuck.
16:18Oh, fuck.
16:18I'm in Huxtable, the naked man.
16:20Thank you very much.
16:21Well done.
16:27Our next contender has a single purpose on earth, to play jokes on celebrities.
16:31Please welcome the sensational, Olivia Lee.
16:39Look at you.
16:42Look at you.
16:43Thanks.
16:43Hi.
16:45Well, hello.
16:47Now, young lady.
16:49Old man.
16:50Well, it's getting that way.
16:52Olivia, how have you been tricking celebrities this week?
16:55I've been very childish this week, Mark.
16:57Very childish, indeed.
16:59Mm-hmm.
16:59I've been interviewing celebrities with a microphone, but it's actually a water pistol, and I've been
17:05giving them a little squirt.
17:07Sounds very, very wet.
17:09Let's have a look.
17:16Hello.
17:16Here I am in the middle of the West End, and there's loads of celebrity events to go
17:21to tonight, and I am armed with this.
17:26Are you a good friend of Gordon?
17:28Er, I'm a good eater.
17:29You're a good eater.
17:30Okay.
17:30Which I think is probably my main recommendation for being here.
17:32Well, then you're in the right place.
17:33And just one last thing before you go.
17:35Woo-hoo!
17:42I'm a good eater.
17:44What happened?
17:47I was in real life.
17:50Who's idea was this?
17:52Erm, it was the PR companies that are doing the night and inviting everyone down.
17:56Oh, love it.
17:56You're not wide in case it rains, you might get a bit wet.
17:59Erm, no, no, it's fine.
18:01How about that?
18:01Ah!
18:02Ah!
18:04Ah!
18:05Ah!
18:14Ah!
18:16Ah!
18:21Ah!
18:22Ah!
18:23Ah!
18:23Ah!
18:23Ah!
18:24Ah!
18:24Oh, wow, you're tall, are you?
18:26Ah, Olivia?
18:27Olivia!
18:28What's your name again?
18:29I'm Garrett.
18:31How are you?
18:31Garrett.
18:32What was it exactly you're famous for?
18:33I'm a singer.
18:34And you might be famous for this
18:47That will get you on TV
18:51Thank you
18:53Sarah can I just ask you a few questions, so what brings you here today?
19:06Oh
19:18Mark is that you don't mess with the Osbournes because she clearly got her revenge. Okay. Well luckily we were
19:24filming it
19:24Let's see what happened
19:30I'm not with anyone
19:36Oh
19:50We love sharing Osborne, don't we? Good for her. She exacted revenge in the best way possible
19:55And she trashed thousands of pounds worth of equipment, which is exactly what Ozzy used to do on stage
20:01So good for her fantastic stuff ladies and gentlemen olivia lee
20:13Up next a girl who enjoys testing men, so that's like every girl i've ever been out with ladies and
20:19gentlemen dawn porter
20:39And i'll go into a bar
20:48And i'll go into a bar
20:50And I'll basically get him to the point where I think he fancies me and when I'm sure he does
20:54I'll drop a clangor and see if he sticks around god, so it's like some kind of evil man trap
21:00It is indeed a man trap. Yes. Let's watch it
21:17Yes
21:22I hate sitting on my own. I hate sitting on my own. Oh yeah me too. I'm Dawn. Nice to
21:27meet you.
21:27John. Nice to meet you. Hi John. So where did you say you work again?
21:31So I'm working basically in management consulting. I'm also doing some executive recruiting as well.
21:36Excellent. So how about you? Oh I'm just out to say um I suppose don't laugh. I had to get
21:44out the house
21:44so I was so horny I was driving myself crazy. I was like I need to go and call myself
21:48down
21:49and have a drink. You know that kind of thing. So anyway um yeah. That's cool.
21:55No no. No really nice. I thought you looked quite sexy at the world. I thought I'd quite
21:58fancy having a bit of a flirt with somebody.
22:03Um I hang out here with you. Hang out awesome.
22:21Um that could be a pass holiday. Let's see how. Yeah. The only thing is um
22:28this would be awesome but I've got a little bit of a fantasy thing going on. Great. I like the
22:31idea
22:32of being wrenched. Would you be up for my boyfriend watch us? I could be up for that. Would you?
22:40I could be up for that. Would you? A few more drinks maybe? Why not? I think it'd be pretty
22:44fun
22:44because I've never actually done that before because it's a long standing fantasy of mine. Oh really?
22:47Well, sounds interesting. It's a nice to meet you. Oh, you too.
23:02And luckily you seem like quite a nice guy. Oh, thank you.