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In Court After the Boat Race (or, Jeeves' Arrival)
Bertram Wilberforce "Bertie" Wooster returns home with a hangover when a valet named Jeeves rings the doorbell. He fixes Bertie his special hangover cure, and when it proves effective Jeeves is immediately engaged. Bertie has lunch with his aunt Agatha - "the nephew crusher" - at which she announces he must marry, and that the suitable candidate is Honoria Glossop. Bertie has no intention of marrying anyone and discovers that Bingo Little is in love with Honoria. He hatches a brilliant plan to get Honoria out of his hands and into Bingo's...
Starring:
Hugh Laurie
Stephen Fry
In Court After the Boat Race (or, Jeeves' Arrival)
Bertram Wilberforce "Bertie" Wooster returns home with a hangover when a valet named Jeeves rings the doorbell. He fixes Bertie his special hangover cure, and when it proves effective Jeeves is immediately engaged. Bertie has lunch with his aunt Agatha - "the nephew crusher" - at which she announces he must marry, and that the suitable candidate is Honoria Glossop. Bertie has no intention of marrying anyone and discovers that Bingo Little is in love with Honoria. He hatches a brilliant plan to get Honoria out of his hands and into Bingo's...
Starring:
Hugh Laurie
Stephen Fry
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The End
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01:03This is one of the most shameful cases ever to come before this bench.
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01:50a hard-working police constable's helmet and make off with it I find you guilty as charged
02:01Bertram Wilberforce Worcester and have no alternative but to fine you the sum of five
02:11pounds no buts was there oh no ifs take him away away I say
02:40we're here gov free bob
02:58good morning mrs. mr. thank you
03:20good
03:25good
03:39good
03:40good
03:40good
03:41good
03:47Oh, my God.
04:27Oh, my God.
04:49I was sent by the agency sir. I was given to understand that you required a
04:54valid very good sir
05:27late night last night sir
06:22if you would drink this sir
06:23it's a little preparation of my own invention gentlemen have told me they
06:27find it extremely invigorating after a late evening
06:54I say
07:03I say
07:05you're engaged
07:07thank you sir my name is Jeeves I say Jeeves what an extraordinary talent
07:15thank you sir
07:16I could well inquire but I'm sorry sir
07:18no no of course not
07:20I'm not at liberty to divulge the ingredients sir
07:23no no no of course secrets of the guild and all that
07:26precisely sir
07:27hmm hmm
07:31ha
07:3547 ginger
07:37heavy
07:38silver
07:38covering over across the briny sea
07:44well
07:45er
07:45I say
07:47I say hello
07:49hello
07:51I want to get in
07:52you'll have to come this way I'm afraid
07:54we can't shift him
07:55ah
07:56I was having to have a snifter before lunch
07:58sound idea
07:59anyone in the bar
08:00barmy funky phips
08:02is he
08:02woofy simpson and freddie chalk marshall
08:04really
08:04the worcester twins of course
08:06what eustace and claude
08:08you know them
08:09well they're my cousins
08:10you must be bertie worcester
08:11I am
08:12I'm rainsby
08:13how'd you do
08:13you better come in
08:21well
08:23not all that
08:24it's not right mr. worcester
08:26I'm the one the committee's going to blame for this you know
08:29they can't abide mooses the committee can't
08:31oh I think it adds a certain what's it
08:35come on rogers do give me a hand
08:39here we go
08:42oh
08:42thank you
08:42thank you
08:46oh hello Bert
08:47snort if you go to play with Dan
08:49play
08:49will you last year
08:52Bertie
08:52cousin Bertie
08:53did you meet young dog face when you're way in
08:56I met someone called rainsby in the hall with a moose
08:58elk
08:59sorry
09:00it's a common enough mistake
09:01it was a mistake
09:02pinching it
09:03where did you see it from
09:05I don't know some big museum place
09:07in Kensington
09:07I don't think I've ever been to Kensington
09:09hello
09:10yes you have your mother lives there
09:13oh
09:13that Kensington
09:15so what do you want it for
09:16it's for the seekers
09:17what are the seekers
09:18it's a club in Oxford
09:20Eustace and I are rather keen to get in
09:22rainsby too
09:23but you have to pinch something to get elected
09:25now touching that lunch you very decently were going to volunteer to stand us
09:29can't be done I'm afraid
09:30I've got to have lunch with our Aunt Agatha
09:32I know
09:33not the nephew crusher
09:41Bertie
09:43Aunt Agatha
09:45it is young men like you who make a person with the future of the race at heart
09:49despair
09:50oh
09:51right
09:53cursed with too much money
09:55you do nothing but waste your time on frivolous pleasures
09:58you are simply an antisocial animal
10:02a drone
10:04Bertie you must marry
10:07oh
10:08oh
10:09I say really
10:10ha
10:10Aunt Agatha
10:11will you be quiet
10:19there Macintosh
10:21you want someone
10:23strong
10:24self-reliant and sensible
10:26no I don't
10:27to counteract the deficiencies of your own character
10:31and by great good fortune
10:33I have found the very girl
10:34oh
10:35who is it
10:36Sir Roderick Glossop's daughter
10:38honoria
10:38no
10:39don't be silly Bertie
10:42sit down and eat your luncheon
10:48oh she is just the wife for you
10:51really look here
10:52she will mold you
10:54I don't want to be molded I'm not a jelly
10:56and that is a matter of opinion
10:59lady Glossop has very kindly invited you to Ditteridge Hall for a few days
11:03I told her you would be delighted to come down this afternoon
11:07oh
11:07what a pity
11:09I'm so sorry
11:09I've got a dashed important engagement this afternoon
11:12nonsense
11:14you will go to Ditteridge Hall this afternoon
11:19right
11:35can you manage that
11:37certainly sir
11:38will we be travelling by train sir
11:39by train yes
11:40people by the name of Glossop
11:42would that be Sir Roderick Glossop the noted nerve specialist sir
11:45that's the one
11:46very good sir
11:47which suit would you wear sir
11:49oh this one actually
11:52very good sir
11:53would you like this suit Jeeves
11:55oh yes sir
11:57would you like this suit Jeeves
12:08what don't you like about this suit Jeeves
12:10it's a very nice suit sir
12:13well what's wrong with it come on after this
12:14well sir if I might make the suggestion if we are to travel by train
12:18perhaps a simple brown Harris tweed such as this might be more appropriate
12:22oh that's absolute rocks Jeeves
12:25yes
12:25very good sir
12:26perfectly blithering my dear man
12:29just as you say sir
12:30yeah all right then
12:32yes sir
12:52Jeeves
12:54I have to make one thing crystal clear
12:56yes sir
12:58I am not one of those fellows who become absolute slaves to their valets
13:01no sir
13:03well
13:04as long as we understand each other
13:06perfectly sir
13:08well
13:08yes sir
13:08yeah
13:08do it
13:09yes
13:10yes
13:10well
13:25yes
13:26yes
13:27yes
13:27in the book
13:28yes
13:28yes
13:41I say!
13:43Oh, steady on!
13:45Is that Bingo Little?
13:47Me? Yes.
13:49That's not Bertie Worcester.
13:51It is!
13:53I haven't seen you for ages, Bingo.
13:55I've been living in the country.
13:57Really? Whereabouts in the country?
13:58Well, here, as a matter of fact.
14:00But why? You hate the country.
14:01Yes, I know. I got a job tutoring the Glossop Kid.
14:04What do you want to tutor the Glossop Kid for?
14:06Money, Bertie, Moolah, Oof, Spondulix!
14:09Oh, well, yes.
14:11Oh, yes, the only one in the family I know is the girl, Honoria.
14:14Oh, Bertie.
14:16What?
14:16I worship her, Bertie. I worship the very ground she treads on, a tender goddess.
14:21Big girl, sporty.
14:23Strong and upright and wonderful.
14:25Well, yes, it's a matter of...
14:28Wait a minute.
14:29Have you told her?
14:30Not yet.
14:31I haven't got the nerve.
14:33We walk together in the gardens most evenings and it sometimes seems to me there's a look in her eye.
14:38Yes, I know that look.
14:40Like a sergeant major.
14:44Is that the kid?
14:45Yes.
14:47He's fishing.
14:48I'll introduce you if you like.
14:52This is Oswald.
14:54Bertie Worcester.
14:56Well, well, Oswald.
14:56How are you?
14:57All right.
14:58Nice place, this.
15:00It's all right.
15:01Like fishing, do you?
15:02It's all right.
15:11Why don't you shove him in, in the water?
15:14Wake him up a bit.
15:15She'll never forgive me.
15:16She's devoted to the little brute.
15:19Great Scott!
15:20I've got it!
15:21Listen, Bingo.
15:22Honoria's away, isn't she?
15:23She's coming back tomorrow.
15:24She's coming, my love, my own.
15:27Yes, fine.
15:27Absolutely.
15:28But you still want to make a hit with her, don't you, Bingo?
15:30Yes.
15:31Bless you, my child.
15:32You can do it.
15:32How, Bertie, how?
15:34It's very simple.
15:43It's all in the wrist action, you see.
15:45You've got to get the flip forward first to disengage with the chin strap.
15:49That's where Barmy Fungie Phipps went wrong on New Year's Eve.
15:52Is that a person?
15:53A Barmy?
15:54Well, there's some dispute about that.
15:56But you see, what he did was to pull straight back on the helmet
15:59and the policeman came with it.
16:01Oh, but he must have been hurt.
16:03Barmy?
16:04No.
16:04Just a couple of bruises.
16:05I think my wife was referring to the policeman.
16:09No, no, no, no, no, no.
16:10Not a bit of it, no.
16:11They enjoy it, like foxes.
16:13Foxes?
16:13How they enjoy being hunted.
16:15Oh, yes.
16:16Oh, but foxes are vermin, Mr Worcester.
16:20Nasty, cunning creatures, like cats.
16:23Lady Glossop and I dislike cats.
16:25We hate them.
16:27Nasty, cruel beasts.
16:29Now, let me try to understand this, Mr Worcester.
16:33Policemen, you say, enjoy having their helmets stolen?
16:36Well, yes.
16:38Yes, I think they try and enter into the spirit of the thing,
16:41don't you think, big girl?
16:42Oh, yes.
16:42Yes, yes.
16:45But what is the point of it?
16:47Point?
16:49Well, it's tradition, really.
16:51It's part of the rich tapestry of our island story.
16:54It's, um...
16:55Completely stupid.
16:57You mustn't be rude, Oswald.
16:59No, no, no, no.
17:00That's all right.
17:01That's all right.
17:01He's young.
17:03He'll learn.
17:13What sort of a day is it, Jeeves?
17:15Extremely clement, sir.
17:16With the promise of further fine weather to come.
17:19Excellent.
17:20Just the sort of day for pushing cheeky young blighters off bridges, I should think.
17:24I couldn't say, sir.
17:26Shall I lay out our grey flannel trousers and the checked sports coat for this morning, sir?
17:30Oh, yes, yes, yes.
17:34I expect you're wondering what I meant by that last remark, eh, Jeeves?
17:37I should be most interested to know, sir.
17:41Oh, all right.
17:42Well, I've had rather a stunning idea, Jeeves.
17:46Indeed, sir?
17:47Well, you see, my friend Bingo Little is, well, more than a little smitten with the daughter of the house.
17:55Miss Honoria Glossop, sir?
17:56As you say, Jeeves, Miss Honoria Glossop.
17:59How do you know about Honoria Glossop?
18:01There was some discussion in the servants' hall last evening, sir.
18:05I'm given to understand she is a healthy young lady, sir.
18:08Yes, well, that's, um, hmm, that's a very good way of putting it, Jeeves.
18:12Thank you, sir.
18:13And, uh, Mr Little is enamoured of her, sir.
18:16Indeed, he is.
18:17The trouble is, the poor sap can't bring himself to pop the question.
18:20A common enough predicament, sir?
18:22Well, possibly, Jeeves, possibly.
18:23Anyway, your employer, fired, I must confess, by the fact that my aunt Agatha has me earmarked for Honoria,
18:29unless I can layer off onto someone else,
18:31has come up with a novel and foolproof solution to the problem.
18:34This is very gratifying news, sir.
18:36Yes, well, we thought so, Bingo and I, yes.
18:39What it is, is this.
18:40Miss Glossop's young brother, Oswald, is, by way of being the apple of his sister's eye,
18:46Human nature is very mysterious, sir.
18:49Yeah, well, my thoughts precisely, Jeeves.
18:51Anyway, my plan is to lure Honoria to the vicinity of the bridge
18:55and then surreptitiously push the little blighter into the lake.
18:59Mr Little will thereupon hop out from behind the bulrushies where he's been waiting,
19:02rescue Oswald, and have professions of undying love showered upon him by a grateful sister.
19:09Sir, what's the matter, Jeeves?
19:11I couldn't advise it, sir.
19:14Couldn't advise it? What do you mean, you couldn't advise it?
19:17It's just my opinion, sir, but your plan has too many imponderables.
19:23No, no, only Oswald's going to be imponderable.
19:28Oh, imponderable.
19:30Thank you, sir, yes.
19:35And if I might say so, sir,
19:38any undertaking that requires the presence of four people in one place at the same time,
19:42while two of them are unaware of the fact,
19:46is fraught with the possibility of mishap, sir.
19:49Oh, boulder dash, Jeeves.
19:52Not to say flat doodle.
19:54Very good, sir.
19:56No, I'm sorry, Jeeves, but when you've been a little longer in my employ,
19:59you will come to understand that all my chums rely heavily on your employer's wisdom
20:03and knowledge of human nature in the conduct of their affairs.
20:06Just as you say, sir.
20:08Not to mention my organisational powers and just plain...
20:13thingness.
20:15Will that be all, sir?
20:17Yes, that'll be all, thank you.
20:18Just, um...
20:21Oh, that'll be all, thank you, Jeeves.
20:24Very good, Sam.
20:53Good morning.
20:54Good morning, Mr. Worcester.
20:55Oh, good morning, Lady Gloss.
20:56Do sit down.
20:58I, uh, was looking for Oswald.
21:01Oswald?
21:02Uh, yes, well, he's probably getting ready to go fishing, I should think.
21:05At least I hope so.
21:06You hope so?
21:08Uh, yes, well, you know, fishing's got a healthy pursuit for a young lad.
21:11Character building, too.
21:13Battling against the mighty forces of Mother Nature.
21:16Yes, Orfie Prosser once asked Boko Fiddleworth down to his place for some fly fishing.
21:20Poor old Boko couldn't fathom why anyone would want to catch flies.
21:23Oh, ha, ha.
21:25Still, that's Boko for you.
21:26Do you always breakfast at this hour, Mr. Worcester?
21:29Oh, good Lord, no.
21:30No, no, no.
21:30Only if I get up early.
21:32Sir Roderick was on his way to London at eight o'clock.
21:36Really?
21:36He had an urgent call from the Bishop of Hackney.
21:40Ah, the old Bish got a few pages stuck together, did he?
21:43My husband is not in the book trade, Mr. Worcester.
21:46He is a well-known nerve specialist.
21:49Yes, that's what I said.
21:50And dashed interesting work, it must be, too.
21:53Do you work, Mr. Worcester?
21:57What, work as in honest toil, you mean?
22:00Yes.
22:02Hewing the wood and drawing the old wet stuff and so forth.
22:05Quite.
22:06Well, I've known a few people who worked.
22:08I absolutely swear by it, some of them.
22:10But...
22:11Boko Fittleworth almost had a job once.
22:14Who is this Boko Fittleworth you keep talking about?
22:18Boko?
22:18You don't know Boko?
22:19No.
22:21Good Lord, I thought everybody knew Boko.
22:24I do not.
22:25Looks like a parrot with a molt.
22:28No.
22:30Once put his shirt on Silly Billy to win the Cesaroitch
22:33and Lady of Spain beat him by a nose.
22:35I have never met Boko Fittleworth.
22:38No, well, I couldn't recommend it wholeheartedly anyway.
22:40He's an acquired taste, Boko.
22:42At least that's what his mother says.
22:44You were telling me how he once got a job.
22:47Oh, yes.
22:48Well, Boko's got an uncle in the city, you see.
22:50He broke stocks or something like that.
22:51And he offered Boko this job and Boko accepted it.
22:54I don't think either of them could have been firing on all cylinders,
22:56to be honest, at the time.
22:57Anyway, chaos obviously ensued until Boko saw sense and gave it all up.
23:01Then we had to take it in turns to go around and sit with him until he'd calmed down.
23:06How would you ever support a wife, Mr Worcester?
23:11Well, it depends on whose wife it was.
23:12I would have said a bit of gentle pressure beneath the left elbow
23:15when crossing a busy street normally fills the bill.
23:24Bertie!
23:25Bingo!
23:26She telephoned me.
23:27She phoned you, eh?
23:29Well, that's good, isn't it?
23:30Shows a friendly spirit.
23:31Well, she didn't phone me exactly.
23:33I mean, I picked the phone up because I was standing beside it.
23:36What did she say?
23:37She said, let me talk to someone with a brain.
23:39Oh, but it was friendly, the way she said it.
23:44Ow!
23:45Don't start in Latin.
23:47Did she say what time she'd be back?
23:48In about an hour, she said.
23:50And when was that?
23:51About an hour ago.
23:52She's bringing a friend, Daphne Braithwaite or something her name is.
23:55Very well, then.
23:56Twelve o'clock.
23:57What?
24:03Twelve o'clock?
24:04The bridge, Oswald.
24:05Oh, right, yes.
24:08We're still on for that, then, are we?
24:10Well, absolutely.
24:11You still want to bring an Oreo to her knees, don't you?
24:12Oh, Bertie, she's such a wonderful person.
24:15She has to be.
24:15Yes, fine.
24:16So, twelve o'clock, you be hidden in the bulrushes by the bridge.
24:19Oh, Bertie, do you really think she's...
24:20I'll see you later.
24:20Yeah.
24:21Yeah.
24:46Oh, leave the bags.
24:47Burkitt will get them.
24:49Burkitt!
24:53Come inside.
24:54I want to show you some of the things I shot last week.
24:59Hello, Honoria.
25:00Oh, it's that Bertie Worcester.
25:01What's he doing here?
25:03What are you doing here, Bertie?
25:05Oh, you know, this and that, hither and yon.
25:07This is my friend, Daphne Braithwaite.
25:10How do you do?
25:11Bertie's a wastrel.
25:12Oh, goody.
25:13At least that's what his aunt Agatha says.
25:17Come on, Daphne.
25:20See you later, Bertie.
25:22Oh, will I?
25:23Yes.
25:24Yes, see you later, Daphne.
25:27Oh, I say.
25:28Um, Honoria.
25:29What?
25:30Um, will you come for a walk with me?
25:32What?
25:33You know, a walk.
25:36Burkitt, the bags.
25:38What for?
25:40Uh, I want to tell you something.
25:42Really?
25:43Now?
25:43No, no.
25:44Uh, in about half an hour.
25:47Right.
25:48No, no, no.
25:49That's when, uh, that's when, that's when.
25:51Uh, in about 20 minutes by the bridge.
25:54Why in 20 minutes?
25:56It'll be better then.
26:09Hello, Mummy.
26:10I'm back.
26:11Did you have a nice time at the Braithwaite, dear?
26:13Lovely, yes.
26:14I've brought Daphne back with me.
26:16Close the door a moment, Honoria.
26:24Come and sit down.
26:29I have been talking to Mr. Worcester.
26:32Yes, I saw him.
26:33What's he doing here?
26:34Mrs. Gregson sent him.
26:36What on earth for?
26:37He doesn't shoot.
26:39He doesn't hunt.
26:40It is your birthday next week, Honoria.
26:43I hope she didn't send him down as a present.
26:45Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:47You will be 24.
26:50Oh, no.
26:52It is a good family, Honoria.
26:54Oh, honestly, Mummy, he doesn't work even.
26:57He told me this morning he has been thinking about work.
27:02he is not all your father and I would have hoped for for you I agree but
27:07surely you could make something of him
27:13is he keen at all?
27:15oh I'm sure he is
27:18you know how these young men try to hide their feelings
27:38keep still you ass she'll see you
27:41don't sniff
27:43right here she comes
27:53well yes I was just thinking what yes this may sound a bit rummy on all that
27:59but there is someone here who is frightfully in love with you and and so
28:04forth a friend of mine as a matter of fact well why doesn't he say so simply
28:09hasn't got the nerve uh worships the ground you tread on and all that but
28:13just can't whack up the ginger to tell you
28:15this is very interesting is it hmm yeah well anyway that's the position
28:19um so just bear it in mind eh oh Bertie how funny you are
28:24I wish you wouldn't make all that row you're scaring the fish away
28:28Oswald you shouldn't sit on the bridge like that
28:31he might easily fall in mighty oh well I'll I'll go and tell him
28:39oh
28:40hello fishing eh
28:48here watch out
28:53oh
28:54oh
28:55help
28:57help him
29:02help
29:03what are you doing
29:05help
29:06oh
29:07oh
29:07oh
29:22oh
29:23oh
29:24oh
29:24oh
29:24oh
29:24oh
29:25oh
29:28oh
29:34oh
29:35yes
29:38oh
29:39oh
29:46oh
29:47oh
29:47oh
29:47oh
29:48oh
29:49are you all right? he pushed me. he's mad. now you run along and change your clothes.
29:57Gloria, I... oh Bertie you are funny. first proposing to me in that extraordinary roundabout way
30:07and then pushing poor little Oswald into the lake so as to impress me by saving him.
30:12no no no. now you run straight up into the house and change your wet clothes before you catch your
30:15death of cold. no no. go on. oh Bertie. Bertie. just the man I wanted to see. Bertie a wonderful
30:27thing has happened. what became of you? do you realize? your clothes are all wet. Bertie I was
30:34just on my way to hide in those rushes when the most extraordinary thing
30:37happened. walking across the lawn I saw the most radiant the most beautiful girl in
30:41the world. we started to talk her name was Daphne Braithwaite. Bertie our eyes met and I
30:45knew at once that what I imagined to me in my love for Lenorea Glossop was a mere
30:48passing whim. Daphne is so wonderful Bertie like a tender goddess. she's so sympathetic Bertie.
30:58Daphne! and her handicaps only six.
31:08it's funny how these things turn out don't you think Jeeves? indeed sir. before we get
31:13bingo under starter's orders even. there he is falling in love with his
31:16blessed six handicapper. still I suppose at least it means he's been saved from the
31:21frightful honoria. true sir but if I might say so sir at a cost to yourself which
31:28might have caused other lesser men to blench. oh come jeez. slight dousing is no
31:34more than a chap might do for any chap under the cirques. it was not the dousing to which I
31:39was referring sir but to the engagement.
31:42engagement?
31:44I was downstairs a few moments ago sir and could not help but overhear Miss Glossop
31:48announcing your engagement to her.
31:58is it getting chilly in here Jeeves?
32:00no sir?
32:01no.
32:03must be my imagination.
32:13Bertie was so sweet Mrs Gregson and so funny.
32:17I find it difficult to envisage.
32:20I shall be able to make something of him I'm sure.
32:22well he has led a completely wasted life up to the present.
32:26I say.
32:27oh be quiet Bertie.
32:28but there's a lot of good in him.
32:30no there isn't actually.
32:31he simply wants bringing out.
32:33it's time I took you in hand Bertie Wertie.
32:37you want someone to look after you.
32:39no I don't really I don't.
32:41yes you do.
32:43bye bye Bertie.
32:44goodbye Mrs Gregson.
32:45goodbye.
32:47Bertie.
32:47yes Aunt Agatha.
32:50dear honoria doesn't know it but a little difficulty has arisen about your marriage.
32:54by Jove really?
32:55oh it's nothing at all of course it's only a little exasperating.
33:00the fact is the Glossops are being a little troublesome.
33:03Sir Roderick particularly so.
33:05ah thinks I'm not a good Bertie.
33:07wants to scratch the fixture.
33:08well it's a shame that perhaps he's right.
33:09you pray don't be so absurd Bertie.
33:11it's nothing as serious as that.
33:13but a nerve specialist with his extensive practice can
33:17hardly help taking a rather warped view of humanity.
33:21you mean he thinks I've got fewer marbles than advertised.
33:24oh no no no.
33:26well he just wants to satisfy himself that you are
33:31completely normal.
33:32well with all the blessed nerve.
33:35I mean I'm not a chap to take offence but.
33:37so I have said that you will give them dinner this evening.
33:40well if he thinks I'm a raving loony.
33:42no don't be silly Bertie.
33:47and remember the Glossops drink no wine.
33:51yes Aunt Agatha I remember.
33:53and remember Sir Roderick can eat only the simplest of foods owing to an impaired digestion.
33:58yes well I should think a dog biscuit and a glass of water would about meet the case.
34:02Bertie.
34:04that is precisely the sort of idiotic remark that would be calculated to arouse Sir Roderick's strongest suspicions.
34:11he is a very serious minded man.
34:15he is a very serious minded man.
34:42you are not Bertie.
34:43he is better looking than Bertie.
34:45it is very kind of you to say so sir.
34:46we are his cousins.
34:47I am Claude Worcester.
34:48I am Eustace Worcester.
34:50I am not his cousin.
34:51I am Rainsby.
34:52I am delighted to meet you Lord Rainsby.
34:54won't you come in please.
34:55what is your name?
34:56Jeeves sir.
34:57I am Mr Worcester's new valet.
34:59the last one used to pinch his socks.
35:02Mr Worcester is not in at the moment sir but I am sure he would like me to offer you
35:05some refreshments.
35:05that is jolly decent of him Jeeves.
35:07he has some Bollinger 27 which is particularly fine.
35:11it would be a shame to let it go off.
35:16Jeeves.
35:17yes sir.
35:18we have some things down in the taxi which we want to take back to Oxford tonight.
35:22but the last train is not till 10 10.
35:25say.
35:26were we invited to dinner?
35:29I regret not sir.
35:31anyway we were going to ask cousin Bertie if we could leave some things here until the train.
35:37I am sorry sir.
35:38I should have to ask Mr Worcester's permission first.
35:41what manner of things might they be sir?
35:43a top hat.
35:44a fish.
35:45and a couple of cats of course.
35:48cats sir?
35:50perhaps Mr Worcester would not object.
35:53oh thank you.
35:54down the jeeps.
35:55dog face.
35:55go and get the stuff and bring it up.
35:57right.
35:59where is Bertie anyway?
36:01he had an important meeting with Mr Fungy Phipps sir.
36:04poor me Fungy Phipps.
36:06I believe that is the subriquet sir yes.
36:08has the IQ of a backward clam?
36:11it's my understanding that amongst fellow members of the drones club he is considered something of a dangerous intellectual sir.
36:17that's the one.
36:18Mr Worcester informed me that he is attending the weekly meeting of the drones club fine arts committee.
36:25no.
36:26seven.
36:30four.
36:31what's a king count as?
36:33ten.
36:36what's a ten count as then?
36:38ten.
36:39tens and all picture cards count as ten.
36:42how long have you been playing this game Barney?
36:44about an hour and a quarter.
36:47anyhow that's a leaner.
36:48leaners only count half.
36:49oh good shot Bertie.
36:52well my game I think.
36:54you've not scored a hundred yet have you?
36:56five hundred.
36:57oh well.
36:58i thought we were playing to a hundred.
37:00let's have another drink at the bar.
37:01can't be done I'm afraid Boker.
37:02i've got people coming to dinner.
37:04toodle pip.
37:04five.
37:05what do sevens count as?
37:08five.
37:19what do sevens count as?
37:20this is a story about Minnie the moocher.
37:24she was a low down hoochie coochie.
37:27she was the roughest, toughest, frail.
37:31but Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
37:34ho dee ho dee ho dee ho.
37:36ho dee ho dee ho dee ho.
37:38raw dee raw dee raw.
37:40raw dee raw dee raw dee raw.
37:41tee dee hee dee hee dee.
37:43tee dee hee dee hee.
37:45but Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.
37:51you know I can't help feeling Jeeves that I could do better justice to this song if I understood what
37:56the words meant.
37:57oh I doubt that sir.
37:58I mean all this ho dee ho dee ho stuff is pretty clear.
38:02but what do you suppose a hoochie coochie is exactly?
38:04it's difficult to say sir.
38:06unless it's in connection with one of the demotic American words for ardent spirits.
38:11I'm thinking of hooch.
38:12a word of Eskimo origin I'm informed.
38:14tch. you belly well are informed Jeeves.
38:17do you know everything?
38:19I really don't know sir.
38:23she had a dream about the king of Sweden.
38:27he gave her things that she was needing.
38:31now you see now that is clever Jeeves.
38:34really sir?
38:35that line about the king of Sweden and things she was needing.
38:38yes his majesty king Gustav does seem to have been extraordinarily generous to the young lady sir.
38:42no no no no no no no I meant um I meant the fact that it rhymes you see.
38:46Sweden. needn.
38:47almost sir.
38:49he gave her a home built of gold and steel.
38:53a platinum car with diamond studded wheels.
38:56ho dee ho dee ho dee ho.
39:00I say Jeeves could you lend a hand here do you think?
39:03very good sir.
39:03it's just that it's a bit difficult you know being just the one of me.
39:06it's a sort of call and response thing.
39:08I sing ho dee ho dee ho and you have to go ho dee ho dee ho back.
39:12do you understand?
39:13I think so sir.
39:14right let's try it.
39:15um ho dee ho dee ho dee ho.
39:18ho dee ho dee ho too.
39:20dee ra da ra da ra.
39:22ra dee ra dee ra sir.
39:24tee dee hee dee hee.
39:26tee dee hee dee hee sir.
39:29yes I don't mean to be overly critical Jeeves.
39:32I mean I know you're doing your best.
39:34thank you sir.
39:35I just think that perhaps we could dispense with the sir at the end of every line.
39:39you know it shows the proper feudal spirit and all that but I'm afraid it does play merry hell with
39:44the rhythm of the thing.
39:45very good sir.
39:46all right.
39:48ho dee ho dee ho.
39:50ho dee ho dee ho.
39:52tee dee hee dee hee.
39:54tee dee hee dee hee.
39:56what many had a heart as big as a rock.
40:01well now Jeeves.
40:02do you think I ought to sing minnie the moocher to the glossops this evening?
40:05I shouldn't think it advisable sir.
40:07I've not heard that sir Roderick is musical.
40:10ah no but lady glossop is.
40:12there is also that to be considered sir.
40:16well now what are you giving us for dinner tonight?
40:18consomme sir a cutlet and a savory and some lemon squash iced.
40:24well I don't see how that can harm them.
40:26just don't get carried away with the excitement of the thing and start bringing in coffee.
40:30very good sir.
40:33right stand by Jeeves.
40:36thinks I'm barmy does he?
40:38we'll show him eh Jeeves?
40:40indubitably sir.
40:42just don't let your eyes go glassy or you'll find yourself in a padded cell before you know where you
40:46are.
40:49what oh what oh what oh.
40:51good evening mr worcester.
40:53good evening Jeeves.
40:55good evening lady glossop.
40:57we're a little late I'm afraid.
41:00sir Roderick was detained at the duke of ram firmlin's.
41:03ram firmlin?
41:03yes he um he's off his rocker isn't he?
41:06there's nothing seriously wrong with his grace.
41:08it's merely unfortunate that his footman failed to give him his sugar this morning.
41:12sugar?
41:13he likes a lump of sugar first thing.
41:15his grace is under the impression that he is a canary.
41:18oh well.
41:19mistake anyone might make.
41:21and as he didn't get his sugar.
41:23he flew into a temper and tried to perch on the picture rail.
41:27well it's not unreasonable.
41:29i rather feel like doing that in the mornings when i don't get my tea.
41:32all right so shall we go fred in then?
41:34good.
41:45uh now if i sit in the middle.
41:48uh lady glossop would you like to sit on my right?
41:50and sir roderick on my left.
41:53uh is that right?
41:55no wait a minute.
41:56no but lady glossop ought to sit in the middle.
41:58um well.
41:58he's the only lady.
42:00um then we can sit either side.
42:01shall we try that?
42:02yes.
42:02lady glossop in the middle.
42:04uh yes.
42:04if you'd like to go on the other side.
42:06sir roderick.
42:06and i'll sit here.
42:08no wait a minute.
42:09that's not right is it?
42:10no sir roderick ought to sit in the middle.
42:12ah well.
42:12he's the only knight.
42:13distinguished gent and all that.
42:15yes sir roderick in the middle.
42:16that's right.
42:16we're getting there.
42:17sir roderick here.
42:18yes if i can just squeeze past.
42:21uh no hold on hold on.
42:23can't have husband and wife sitting together.
42:25uh no that's right.
42:26i'll sit in the middle.
42:27uh yes.
42:27and sir roderick on that side.
42:28and lady glossop on this side if you wouldn't mind.
42:31there we go.
42:34hold on we're back where we started now.
42:36uh.
42:37mr worcester.
42:38hello.
42:39let us sit down.
42:42oh right yes.
42:43good idea.
42:44yes.
42:47phew i'm worn out.
42:50lemon squash anyone?
42:51no thank you.
42:52no sir roderick?
42:53thank you.
43:02i say james that soup doesn't look at all bad does it?
43:05thank you sir.
43:11so sir roderick.
43:12this ram firmlin fellow.
43:13does he get dressed up in yellow feathers and all that?
43:16i mean i know i would if i thought i was a canary.
43:19pretty folly.
43:22seriously i mean i'm i'm totally interested in people who get the jim jams.
43:25because well some of my best friends.
43:27hush.
43:30do you keep a cat mr worcester?
43:33a cat? no.
43:34i had a distinct impression i heard a cat mewing.
43:37either in this room or very close at hand.
43:40no no well it's probably a taxi or something in the street.
43:43a taxi mr worcester?
43:45yes well taxis squawk a bit don't they?
43:47squawk?
43:48yes rather like cats in a way.
43:50lady glossop and i have a particular horror of cats.
43:53oh well there you go then.
43:54i don't much like taxis.
43:58my husband had an unfortunate experience with a taxi only this afternoon.
44:04indeed i did.
44:06i was about to be driven to the duke of ram firmlin's house.
44:08or cage as i expect he likes to call it.
44:13anyway i was sitting innocently in my car when my hat was snatched from my head.
44:18now as i looked back i perceived it being waved in a kind of feverish triumph from the interior of
44:23a taxi cab.
44:25what an extraordinary thing.
44:27must have been some sort of practical joke i suppose.
44:30i confess i failed to detect anything akin to comedy in the outrage.
44:35the action was without question that of a mentally unbalanced subject.
44:40mr worcester.
44:42what is the meaning of this?
44:44eh?
44:45there is a cat close at hand.
44:47it is not in the street.
44:48look i have not got a cat i tell you.
44:51all right i'll get jeeves in here.
44:56there.
44:57i can't bear it.
44:59i simply can't bear it.
45:01no look it must be jeeves.
45:03jeeves?
45:04you've called sir.
45:07were you making a noise like a cat?
45:09no sir.
45:10will that be all sir?
45:12no it will jolly well not be all jeeves.
45:15are there any cats in the flat?
45:17only the three in your bedroom sir.
45:20what do you mean only the three in my bedroom?
45:22the black one sir.
45:23the tabby and the small lemon coloured animal.
45:28no no no look i have not got a cat.
45:30i have never had a cat.
45:31i had a dog once called melbourne.
45:33he used to sit so close to the fire.
45:35no no don't run away.
45:36no no.
45:38it's all right my dear.
45:39now look.
45:40now stand back sir.
45:41stand back.
45:41i'm armed.
45:42i fancy so that the animals might have become somewhat exhilarated as a result of discovering the fish in mr
45:47worcester's bedroom.
45:49fish?
45:49in his bedroom?
45:50fish?
45:51be brave delia.
45:53my coat sir.
45:54now look.
45:54i'll prove it to you.
45:55i'll prove that there are no cats in my bedroom.
46:03i knew it.
46:05i knew it.
46:06i knew it.
46:10your hat sir roderick.
46:12yes i didn't have a hat.
46:14this is the hat that you snatched from my head.
46:17he did it roderick.
46:19he stole your hat.
46:21back slowly towards the door delia.
46:23don't make any sudden movements or do anything that might excite him.
46:27now look here.
46:28back sir.
46:28back you devil.
46:29back i say.
46:32i'll see if i can recover our umbrellas then.
46:46i say.
46:46those weren't my cats i saw legging it down the stairs were they?
46:50and what were they doing in my bedroom?
46:52your man what's his name said it would be all right.
46:55oh he did did he?
46:56i was just coming to collect them.
46:57well they've dashed while gone.
47:00oh well.
47:01can't be helped i suppose.
47:03what was it for?
47:03it was that club was it?
47:04the searchers?
47:05seekers yes.
47:06i'll take the hat from the fish anyway.
47:09i'm afraid the cats have eaten the fish.
47:12they wouldn't eat a hat though.
47:14no the chap you pinched it from was dining here tonight.
47:16he took it away with him.
47:18no cats.
47:19no fish.
47:20no hat.
47:21well sorry but there you are.
47:24well thank you.
47:26goodbye.
47:27goodbye.
47:29i say i hate to ask you.
47:31you couldn't lend me a tenner could you?
47:33a tenner?
47:33what for?
47:34the fact is i've got a pot round and bail claudon eustace out.
47:37they've been arrested.
47:38arrested?
47:39they got a bit above themselves i'm afraid.
47:41tried to pinch a bus.
47:43they expect me to provide ten pounds to bail them out?
47:46they did rather yes.
47:48you do realize that the people who are dining here tonight were my prospective in-laws?
47:53no i didn't actually.
47:54congratulations.
47:55well because of you they've now got away from here believing me to be a certifiable lunatic.
48:00and determined that i shall never marry their daughter.
48:07oh rightfully sorry.
48:09tell you what why don't we make it twenty pounds?
48:11you can bail them out and buy them a drink before you pour them onto the train.
48:14i say that's jolly decent.
48:16no don't say a word.
48:17no.
48:17no really.
48:18i insist.
48:19thank you.
48:45this was all your doing wasn't it james?
48:47so?
48:47no.
48:47you worked the whole thing didn't you?
48:49with the glossops.
48:51well if you'll pardon the liberties i doubt if the young lady would have been entirely suitable
48:55for you.
49:04and what a wheeze you knowing all about the glossops horror of moggies.
49:07i must say james you are a bit of a marvel.
49:10very good of you to say so sir.
49:15will that be all sir?
49:17ah yes thank you james yes.
49:21good night.
49:25good night sir.
49:27good night sir.
49:30good night sir.
49:37good night sir.
49:51good night sir.
49:56good night sir.
49:59good night sir.
50:05good night sir.
50:09good night sir.
50:15good night sir.
50:17good night sir.
50:20good night sir.
50:21good night sir.
50:24good night sir.
50:25good night sir.
50:25good night sir.
50:26good night sir.
50:26good night sir.
50:29¶¶
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