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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 - Episode 02: Jon Richardson & Roisin Conaty, Rob Beckett & Kiell Smith-Bynoe, Lou Wall
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. Jimmy Carter!
00:06Now...
00:10Have we got a show for you?
00:12We've got Rob Beckett, John Richardson, Kyle Smith, Bino,
00:15Roisin Conaty, Lou Waugh, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:18Yay!
00:31Is that her? Is there more ghosts?
00:33I don't know why there isn't a film.
00:35My accountant would like there to be.
00:37There should be a film.
00:38There should be a film.
00:39Just on an unrelated matter, Kyle, I am an actor now as well.
00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do acting now as well.
00:45Right, so what sort of stuff do you want to...?
00:47I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
00:51Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
00:55Kyle, I've recently retired from acting.
01:00All right, let's do this, everyone.
01:01Play in the queue with their music.
01:02Whatever we do.
01:03I don't know.
01:04What we do?
01:06As we start talking about G
01:06I.
01:07Put our lights on, Bino.
01:32Be a good phenomena with inner astronauts.
01:39Hello and welcome to edit of ten cats does countdown a show about letters numbers and conundrums. Let's meet tonight's
01:46players first up. It's team captain John Richardson
01:53In 2025 John played grouchy in the new Smurfs movie tell me John, how did you research your role as
02:00a small?
02:01grumpy troll like feature with no friends
02:05He's got friends you've added that
02:07Have you even seen my work? I literally saw the first day it came out. What did you think? I
02:12thought it was amazing. Yeah, thanks
02:15Do you grouchy voice?
02:19I have to get into character. Okay, don't even say it. Oh
02:24It's good
02:29And John's teammate Roisin Conaty
02:36Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths, so I think we finally solved the mystery as to why
02:41Woolworths went under
02:43These are quite gentle. What are you gonna do? You're gonna throw something at me
02:46No, no, we'll be gentle. You are very bad at this game. Bad in a good way though
02:51Sort of the good like bad like Michael Jackson bad forget I said Michael
03:01Up against them this evening. It's team captain Rob Beckett
03:08Rob's family used to call him Jaffa cake because he had big nipples
03:13Which begs the question how big are these nipples?
03:19Calm down now, but there's a little bit of lump to them
03:21But when I was going through puberty and your hormones are raging they were big old puffy boys
03:26Oh, and they look like Jaffa cakes cuz the areola is the chocolate flat bit
03:33Then on top of that the orange filled chocolate bit was the nipply bit
03:39Can I um
03:40Can I see you afterwards
03:45Afterwards you can why I'll come over to show you but not there, okay
03:50I'll go it. I'll have a look. I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing
04:08That is not a normal. No, that's a normal. Oh, you sound like my mum. Yeah
04:15I want to see all of your tits if we're getting in comparison Jimmy Jimmy your tits
04:20Oh, he's got a little drawn on
04:22Okay, I'm joining Rob tonight. It's Kyle Smith by now
04:34Kyle says he's scared of pigeons well apologies if we'd known you were scared of small annoying flappy rat like
04:39creatures
04:39We wouldn't say anywhere near John
04:44Kyle it's your first time on the show you can be very of the letters or the numbers
04:46Well, I I'm not sure but I am very good at remembering my postcode and that's both
04:57What is my postcode?
05:02What's your mum's maiden name?
05:05Okay, Roisin do you do you enjoy going out in nature? I really enjoy nature, but nature's out to get
05:12me
05:12and it feels I have been
05:15No exaggeration locked in Hampstead Heath three times
05:19I thought this is open space. It's not open space
05:21There's no gate on Hampstead Heath is there?
05:23There is a gate on Hampstead Heath. I've been locked in there three times
05:25Oh, right
05:26I did this start to come across a bit like a Tory MP
05:30Twice in one year and I think the guy thought I was just trying to like get a bit of
05:34attention like in with his nips
05:36Tell you what me wander around with these nips out on Hampstead Heath we'll all get locked in
05:41There is a bit of there is some part of Hampstead Heath that is open for the people who do
05:45fruity stuff
05:45There's like little I don't think you do it. You find a bush
05:49I don't think you find a bush. They're not into that
05:51They don't just do it in the open ground. There's bush bits. Oh, I see the joke now. Sorry
05:59I
06:00John have you got a mascot? Yes, I have obviously I've been vegan for a little while and the problem
06:05is it's very competitive
06:07It's a very competitive environment. You've got to find a way to be the most vegan
06:12So I've elevated now to now protecting the stuff animal community and I think the community I'm speaking about most
06:19here
06:20Are the bin men and women of the uk
06:23Who strapped teddy bears to the front of their lorries
06:27Against their will and drive them around in all weathers you see them in winter little elmo strapped to the
06:33front of a bin
06:34Lorry not able to move so I thought well see how they like it so my mascot tonight please welcome
06:41my lucky bin man phil
06:50How long do I have to stay up here I need a shit
06:54I told you to have a shit before we started didn't I phil
06:56I did but I need another one
06:58I don't know what you're eating. You eat a lot of dairy. Oh, yeah. Well, I think you might have
07:02an intolerance
07:04Maybe it does hurt when you eat a magnum
07:11John that four cheese pizza's coming back to haunt me
07:14All right, let's back him out of here before he shits the studio out
07:17That's phil everybody
07:22Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag
07:27There's a guy at limb service is now livid
07:31Have you got a mascot? I've got a mascot. Yeah, I didn't want to go route one
07:35I thought outside of the box. Uh, can we can we get aurora
07:40Oh, this is good. Hey girl
07:50This is aurora and although it may look like i've never seen this bird before in my life
07:56We actually went to drama school together
07:59I'm not a great animal body language expert, but you don't seem the closest pair
08:06Okay, i'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist
08:13Maybe aurora wants the snacks aurora do you like snacks would you like a jaffa cake
08:24Oh
08:25Come on aurora we practice this
08:26Clout she come on snuffles she fucking hates you
08:32Well you've embarrassed me so um back to jimmy's dressing room
08:37Off you go
08:38Okay
08:43Roshan if you've got a mascot that doesn't hate you i do actually have a mascot jimmy fee
08:47What is your mascot so the thing that most relaxes me that makes me feel very calm and what i'd
08:51like to feel on the show is my little doggy harpo
08:55She's a little maltese so i thought what relaxes harpo let's go to the source of what creates all the
09:00relaxation
09:01And harpo recently got done you know when they have they get done what's it called they get snip snip
09:06but a woman snip
09:07She got done spade a scoop out
09:09Spade
09:10Oh
09:14Why did you know you were medicate
09:16She recently got spade
09:19And ever since then ever since she got spade yeah she's turned
09:23Into a real uh sex fiend her first sort of victim
09:28was this
09:29piggy
09:30Now i don't know if you can see she's absolutely destroyed piggy now it's a pig so listen lots of
09:36people have had sex with pigs
09:36It's absolutely fine this is not the worst of it no
09:41No it isn't fine to fuck pigs
09:44Is it pigs that have got curly willies yeah i call it the pork screw
09:54My mum thinks i'm sex shaming her by bringing this on the show my mum is indulging it and i
09:58walked in the
09:59other day my mum was letting this pig be used against her while the pig hump the dog humped the
10:03pig
10:03so the dog your mum and that pig had a three
10:10Next kitchen roll
10:12She's gone up her gear so it escalated pretty fast that's all sex stuff
10:19She's now gone absolutely feral and done my hiking boot oh wow so these are all sex
10:27Toys of a little maltese dog but they bring a lot of joy and they really calm her down so
10:33i brought them in as my mascot
10:37The worst bit is i use that one for a pillow on the train
10:42Rob have you got a mascot absolutely yes
10:44um now i've been taking health and safety in first aid quite seriously and i've noticed i've been a few
10:49times that there's no um deflibrillator
10:51what's wrong
10:55there's no one
10:55deflibrillator
10:56no
10:57mmm
11:00deflibrillator
11:01you're adding an extra
11:03deflibrillator
11:04what is it
11:05what am i saying wrong
11:06you're putting an l in there
11:07no l no l look it up sus
11:12how are we spelling it deflibrillator
11:17defibrillator
11:18defibrillator
11:19let's be honest
11:20no one's spelling it when they need it
11:23let's not worry anyway we ain't got one whatever you want to call it
11:26right so i was looking one up very expensive so i've tried to design my own
11:31as a great effective safety measure so i've got one do you want to see it
11:35yeah there we go and bring it out boys
11:41there we go um do you want me to show how it works yeah yeah so i'm just praying this
11:47attaches to
11:47your nipples so this is how it would work
11:54i hope you don't mind i've got this from your dressing room jim
11:58so um yeah so you hook it up like this
12:03there we go and then it's how it works
12:07you need to be deflibrillator yeah
12:10don't worry i'm coming
12:13what's what's the word you said clear clear that's it
12:16so here we go so you put it on and then clear
12:23i think i've melted his jaffa cake by the looks of it
12:27yeah anyway so this is mine so if anyone's struggling today i can get you going again
12:31well back everyone with these uh defibrillator
12:36there you go there must be a few defibs in here because regular countdown you've got to lose one
12:41a week haven't you yeah is this a show other than this then there's a proper one where
12:46they get more than three letter words
12:54okay well over in dictionary corner we've got lou wall
13:01lou is six foot four to put that into perspective that's about 12 john richardsons
13:08lou tell us a little bit about yourself hello um i'm blue i'm from australia but i've like just moved
13:14to the uk i i like it here it rules but there's some cultural differences like you guys call a
13:19toilet
13:19a loo that's but i find it like quite accurate because i am like a toilet like white and full
13:27of
13:27fucking shit well you're in dictionary corner are you better with the letters or the numbers what's
13:33your thing i i like letters i like literacy but like if i am bad at it it's like because
13:38it's like
13:38hereditary um recently i got this text from my mom dad have died followed by dad heb died sorry dad's
13:49herbs died
13:51and then uh she just finished it off with this stunning text
13:55fucking auto carrot
14:00and with me of course susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel
14:12and that sentence also works if you remove the word novel
14:19susie what have you been looking into recently i have been looking into teen slang
14:24teen slang yeah this six seven thing which is everywhere that that people are fascinated by
14:30you've heard six seven six seven yes no one knows what it means including the kids the derivation
14:37is um either a rap song or uh something to do with a basketball's height i think but yeah so
14:45six
14:45seven so it's like you know how tall are you six seven do you say six seven seven six four
14:50uh what
14:51time is it six seven uh you're probably about six seven jimmy on the slack yeah
14:58so anyway i find this completely fascinating because not even the kids know what it means
15:01they lose break time at my daughter's school now if they say six seven
15:05they lose break time it's got that it's that endemic the teacher's terrified during maths like if i
15:11ask a question where they're and they've started playing countdown in my daughter's school she said
15:15to me the other week we've started playing this game where there's like numbers and letters
15:19i never felt more but i thought she'd be so excited when i went you know that's what i do
15:23for a
15:23living and she went do you but you're the co-kid from waterloo road
15:34and in charge of the numbers it's rachel riley
15:36do you have a favorite number i i quite like have you heard of the golden ratio basically it's this
15:45number that appears in nature in loads of different places so in seashells it appears in flowers um and
15:52it's an irrational number so it's written as phi the greek letter phi and it also appears in beautiful
15:58faces the golden ratio kind of the width to the height so what i think happened was when you went
16:04to
16:04your plastic surgeon he got confused between five face and pie face so when you go back you should ask
16:15for the golden ratio next time rather than that okay and the prize the teams will be competing for
16:26tonight is this the countdown camouflage kit
16:29a little bit of tv magic for you boys show them where you are
16:47it's a little bit of a match
16:48okay let's count on everyone time for the first game john roisin you get the first
16:51turn to pick the letters roisin would you like to pick the letters yes please
16:57that's backfired rachel may i have four oh a consonant
17:05s what's your problem with the way she's picking it well just if you don't give a
17:09I give a shit. Why don't you just put nine letters up there?
17:13No, you think because I don't cry because I'm not good at it, I don't care.
17:16I'm hiding my sadness. OK. Does that make you feel better?
17:20No. Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:24I felt really real like a married couple arguing that.
17:26I'm hiding my sadness. Look, we're happy kids.
17:29Eat the feature express and try and have a good day.
17:32My neighbours is an absolute nightmare neighbour.
17:34Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:36Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
17:38Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
17:43What's he doing? Is his cardigan wearer?
17:45He's not, he's absolute filth. Another consonant.
17:49P.
17:51And a vowel, please, Rachel.
17:53E.
17:54And another vowel, please, Rachel.
17:56O.
17:56And another vowel.
17:59A.
18:00Last two are yours.
18:01One of each, please, Rachel. One of each.
18:03Just get them out of there, I don't really care.
18:04A U.
18:06And an L.
18:07I've gone right off the Countdown music.
18:09I'm going to, I'm going to step it up.
18:11Boys, please.
18:18For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
18:21Your time starts now.
18:24We eat at the end of the Channel.
18:24La, la, la, la, la
19:07John, Rob, do you fancy having a go on the tongue choir?
19:09Define having a go on.
19:13Singing or receiving?
19:15Just a quick demo of the tongue action there.
19:22There's no noise came out of that.
19:30Hang on, I'm going to the other end.
19:33This guy, look at this.
19:39It's like a forearm.
19:41There's no sound at all there.
19:43Come closer, Gladys.
19:48What is this show?
19:51The Countdown Tongue Choir, everyone.
19:53Thank you, gentlemen.
19:55All right, John Hammond-Nettis.
20:01Seven.
20:02Seven.
20:03Roisin?
20:03Six.
20:04Rob?
20:05Five.
20:06Kyle?
20:07Seven.
20:07Ooh.
20:08Oh, man.
20:10He came to play.
20:11Oh, yeah, for real.
20:12All right, Rob, your five.
20:14Leaps.
20:14Okay, Roisin, your six.
20:16Planes.
20:17John, your seven.
20:19Weapons.
20:20Ooh.
20:21Kyle, your seven.
20:22Weapons.
20:23Okay, seven points to both teams.
20:27All right, I'm excited about it.
20:29You guys are in trouble.
20:30He's not fucking about.
20:32Five, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
20:35He's got 11 options.
20:37In the same time, I got leaps.
20:42Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
20:44Just another seven from us.
20:45What was the other seven?
20:47Apolloon.
20:47It's a beautiful word.
20:48It's the point at which a spacecraft in noon orbit
20:50is furthest from the moon,
20:52and it's the opposite of the periloon.
20:54Okay, on to our first numbers round.
20:56Rob, Kyle, your turn to pick the numbers.
20:58Two big ones, all the rest are little ones, please, Rachel.
21:00Coming up.
21:00Ten and ten.
21:01That's 20 already.
21:02One, three, 75 and 50.
21:06Don't give it away.
21:07And the target, 847.
21:09Oh, shit.
21:09Okay, and your time starts now.
21:13One, three, 75 and 50.
21:15One, four, 15 but a story.
21:16One, four, 15 but a story.
21:42OK, so the target was 847. Roisin, did you get it?
21:45I did. No good. Do you want it?
21:47Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec. It won't be there in a minute.
21:52John, did you get it? I think I got 848.
21:55Rob, did you get it? I got 800.
21:58Kyle, did you get it? No. I got 840.
22:01Roisin, how did you do it? So, I did...
22:0510 times 75.
22:07Oh, no, er, yeah, 7, er...
22:12Mmm...
22:13750. I got it wrong, cos I got it down as 800.
22:16But add a 10 on to the 75.
22:18Oh, my God, Jimmy's got one.
22:21Well, you get 850, and then there's a 3 there. I mean...
22:24Oh, wow. Yeah.
22:25It's the easiest one we've had in... I didn't get it.
22:28I'm so sure I had it. That's not allowed, is it?
22:31Ten points to me.
22:33Were you good at maths at college or at school?
22:37No.
22:38Do you know how long you pause sometimes?
22:39It's like you've just turned off.
22:42You just bring it up with your manufacturer.
22:48John, how did you get, er, what you got?
22:5175...
22:53times 10 plus 1.
22:54Plus 1 for 85.
22:56And then somewhere else, 10...
22:5810...
22:5910 times 3.
23:01What are you doing? This is not your styling.
23:03Oh, I don't know. It's gone.
23:04Roisin got it wrong.
23:05John's got nothing written down.
23:06John!
23:07We've got 840.
23:08Kyle, off you go.
23:1075 times 10.
23:111 plus 3 is 4 times 10.
23:14Times the other 10, 40.
23:16Add those together.
23:17790 plus 50.
23:18Yep.
23:187 away.
23:20OK.
23:21Five points to Kyle.
23:24So, John and Roisin are on 7 points.
23:26Rob and Kyle are in the lead with 12.
23:286 points.
23:295 points.
23:32And here is your teaser.
23:33The words are sentits.
23:35The clue is open wide.
23:36That's sentits.
23:37Open wide.
23:38See you after the break.
23:54Welcome back.
23:55The answer to the teaser.
23:56The words were sentits.
23:57The clue was open wide.
23:58It was of course dentists.
24:00So, Rob and Kyle are in the lead.
24:03They've been playing in teams so far.
24:04But this game is just for Rob and Roisin.
24:07Hmm.
24:07So, Rob, your turn to choose.
24:09Do you know what?
24:09I think it's good that John has a little break from this
24:11because I think his head's completely gone.
24:13I agree.
24:13He's not happy.
24:14Kyle's turned up.
24:15And not only is he better than John at spelling and countdown,
24:18he also is cool.
24:21He's cool, Rob.
24:22He's in a cardigan.
24:22As well, yeah.
24:23He's actually turned up in his outfit, but in a cool one.
24:27So, I think it's good you have a little break
24:28because you don't seem yourself.
24:31I don't want to be myself.
24:32I'm going to be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this,
24:35Ralphs.
24:36EARGH!
24:38BLEP BLEP!
24:39Fucking idiot!
24:40I don't think he makes some noises with his mouth.
24:42Does he?
24:43Well, he's done you again.
24:46Pick some letters.
24:47OK, cool.
24:48Please, can I have...
24:50You pick.
24:52You're in charge, Rachel.
24:54R.
24:56E.
24:58T.
24:59There we go.
25:01I.
25:02M.
25:03A.
25:04S.
25:05This is a great one.
25:07E.
25:08And the last one.
25:09T.
25:10And your time starts...
25:13now.
25:20OK.
25:21Come on.
25:22Come on.
25:33John, could you give me a hand with this?
25:34Yeah.
25:46TAP IT round the back, mate.
25:49Oh, yeah.
25:51Does anyone want a beer?
25:52I'll have a go.
25:53OK.
25:53What a lovely.
25:56Oh.
25:56Is that...
25:58Is that a normal flow for you?
25:59Oh, yeah.
26:02Ahhhh.
26:04Ahhhh.
26:05Ahhhh.
26:08Ahhhh.
26:10Salty than you'd think.
26:12The stones sink to the bottom.
26:16Anyone else want a beer?
26:18You need to get a manufacturer to sort your robot knees out, mate.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:25They're not bending how they should.
26:28It's like a cow trying to go upstairs.
26:33Want to try some?
26:37Oh, John!
26:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:50Let's bring out the beers, yeah.
26:51I like that.
26:52Wow.
26:53Roisin's on a hand, dude.
26:54Is there any more?
26:55Just worth letting everyone know I had asparagus for lunch.
26:58Thank you very much.
26:59Thanks, John.
27:00Nice.
27:05Oh, Roisin, how many?
27:07I mean, I'm sort of nervous.
27:09OK.
27:10I've got nine.
27:11Wow!
27:14This is a big deal.
27:15This is a big deal.
27:17Have I not got nine?
27:18You've got a really good eight.
27:21Why?
27:23There isn't, there is.
27:24Yeah, but only the one of them.
27:27Oh, OK.
27:30He can't even let his own team mate do well.
27:32You're a disgrace.
27:34You couldn't even let her have a moment.
27:36He did, though.
27:36He sort of saved me.
27:38Do you want Roisin to score eight or not score nine?
27:40Rob, how many have you got?
27:42I've got seven.
27:43OK.
27:43What is your seven?
27:45Matters.
27:46Roisin, your eight.
27:47Mistreat.
27:48Ooh.
27:49I thought it was mistreats.
27:50Got very excited.
27:52I'm going to give you the eight.
27:53I think the eight's very good.
27:54Yeah!
27:58Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
28:00We had a couple of eights.
28:01We had Stemia, Emirates.
28:03Emirates?
28:04Not as in the Arsenal ground, but as in the province of an Emir.
28:08OK.
28:08So, at the end of that, Rob and Kyle have 12 points.
28:11John and Roisin have 15.
28:15An eight.
28:16An eight.
28:17I really tried.
28:18Really good.
28:19OK.
28:19To be fair, you needed that, because John's going up against Kyle now.
28:23I've given faith in my team mate.
28:26He's shown consistency, he's not a braggadocious player,
28:30and will take us to the final.
28:32Do you know what?
28:32I feel the same about mine, but I'm not having to fluff him up,
28:35because his head's gone.
28:37No need.
28:38You've been fluffing all night.
28:39He's down there rock hard.
28:40It's very rare on this show that teammates refer to each other as rock hard.
28:46Can I just say...
28:48No.
28:49I'm absolutely fine.
28:50And if Kyle does well, that benefits the show.
28:55Hello, Rachel.
28:56I don't.
28:57Six small, please.
29:01Do you like the numbers, John?
29:03Confident with six small.
29:04I don't mind the numbers.
29:05I don't mind the letters.
29:05I just appreciate good friends having a good time.
29:08Well, this is...
29:08A tricky selection.
29:10We've got five, seven, four, three, ten and nine.
29:16And the target, 185.
29:19And your time starts now.
29:21All right.
29:222.
29:242.
29:252.
29:382.
29:392.
29:402.
29:421.
29:432.
29:432.
29:483.
29:49They have a good time.
29:49You can't get to that.
29:503.
29:511.
29:512.
29:52Uh, smug much, John?
29:54How's your boy doing?
29:58Blasted now.
30:00Kyle, did you get it?
30:02184. OK, John, did you get it?
30:04I think I've got it, yeah.
30:06How did you get it?
30:0710 plus 9. No, no, less smug.
30:1010 plus 9.
30:1419. That is 19 times 7 plus 3.
30:17190.
30:18Take away that little fag.
30:20I can have you all half of honour.
30:2210 points.
30:27How do you feel about it, Kyle? How do you feel about that?
30:30I would have liked to have won that one, actually, yeah.
30:33Yeah.
30:34It's weird, cos I believed him when he said it.
30:37Well, he's a good actor.
30:40Well, he's not in Waterloo Road.
30:42No, he's not.
30:44Is that a compliment?
30:48Not a little blue smurf, is he?
30:51I've got four lines and three of them were...
30:54OK, so Rob and Kyle have 12 points.
30:58John and Roisin have 25.
31:01APPLAUSE
31:04OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
31:07Lou, what have you got for us?
31:08OK, so I had a really shitty old bed frame.
31:11And so I put it on an online marketplace for free.
31:15And this is that story.
31:17I have turned it into a musical.
31:19You're welcome.
31:22And for context, all you need to know
31:24is that the bed frame is up there for free.
31:27This is how it begins.
31:30Is the bed frame still available?
31:32Yes, it is gay emoji.
31:36Can I please negotiate the price?
31:39No.
31:39Why?
31:41It's free.
31:42You are the hard bargain, Lucia.
31:45But that's just not the way marketplace working.
31:49I was like, alright, how about half price?
31:51Just for you, Eileen.
31:52How much now?
31:53Still free.
31:54Dance, dance, dance.
31:56You are the best.
31:58Party, party.
31:59Here's my address.
32:01Wow, that's a long, long way from my house now.
32:04How about a small disc?
32:07I said, Eileen, I can't be clearer.
32:09It's free to pick up.
32:11Could you drive it to me, please?
32:13What the fuck?
32:14Please, no, please, no.
32:15Please, no, please, no.
32:17I don't own a car.
32:18Why didn't?
32:19You say something.
32:20I can drive.
32:22See you tomorrow.
32:23Fine.
32:25So at this point, like, I go to bed.
32:27I'm like, I'll deal with this bitch in the morning.
32:28And then very early the next morning,
32:30I received this text.
32:33Lucia, I'm out the front.
32:36Sent at 5am.
32:39I said, see you at 5.
32:42Please come out and let me in.
32:45I should have known not to trust you.
32:47Axe, pickaxe, pay.
32:48I should have known you didn't care.
32:50Fire.
32:51I show up on time.
32:53Are you dead?
32:55Please.
32:57Where is bed?
33:01How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am?
33:04Knock, knock, knock.
33:05I'm like, let me in.
33:07No.
33:07It's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame.
33:10What time then?
33:11I'm like, could you come back at 8?
33:13But I'm outside.
33:14Yeah, my housemates are sleeping.
33:17Should I just not...
33:18This is getting creepy.
33:20I go back to sleep.
33:21I wake up at 8.
33:21Is she there?
33:22No.
33:2212 hours later though.
33:23Who she is again?
33:24Lucia, I'm here again.
33:26It's 8pm.
33:28Yes, where is the bed?
33:30Is the concept of time too hard for you to comprehend.
33:33You're 12 hours late, Eileen.
33:35I can't get you the bed.
33:36Like, I'm at work right now.
33:38Okay, like I'm not even home.
33:39But I came all the way back for it.
33:41Yeah.
33:41I know.
33:42No.
33:43Please.
33:44Heartbreak emoji.
33:45Pumpkin emoji.
33:46Sorry, typo.
33:47Seriously, please.
33:48Where is the bed?
33:49Oh my God, that lady's back.
33:51What can you help her get the bed shot?
33:52Okay.
33:53My housemate is home.
33:54Knock on the door.
33:55Ask for Tim.
33:56402.
33:56No, 403.
33:57Knock, knock, knock.
33:58It's 403.
33:59Knock, knock, knock.
33:59Anyone in?
34:00Angry dolphin pilot shit.
34:02This is not what I expected.
34:03I'm taking off the bedding and the pillow and the mattress.
34:05What?
34:05There is no bedding.
34:06Just talk to Tim.
34:07He'll show you what to take.
34:07Is this free?
34:08Picture of a pillow.
34:09That's not my pillow.
34:10Taking pillow.
34:11Where did you get the pillow?
34:12Where the fuck are you?
34:13Is Eileen there?
34:14No.
34:14Shit.
34:15Fuck.
34:15Oh my God.
34:17It's perfect.
34:18It's exactly what I want.
34:20Bigger than I thought.
34:21And free bedding.
34:22Five stars.
34:23Miss call.
34:23Miss call.
34:23Miss call.
34:24Miss call.
34:24Miss call.
34:26Cannot talk driving with bed.
34:27I said Eileen.
34:28Can you please pick up?
34:29Yay.
34:29I don't think you took my bed.
34:30Tim said you never picked it up.
34:32Thank you for the bed Lucia.
34:34Miss call.
34:34Miss call.
34:34Eileen Five R.
34:35A message from my neighbour.
34:36We have just been robbed.
34:38And then she's taken.
34:39Lock your doors.
34:42Eileen.
34:43You stole my neighbour's bed.
34:44My bed's still here.
34:46You took the wrong bed from the wrong house.
34:48I did no such thing.
34:50Then she blocks me.
34:51I said Eileen.
34:52Please.
34:53Where is bed?
35:01You've had contact with the person that's going to murder you.
35:04I mean 100%.
35:06Yeah, and that bed frame's still very much available.
35:10How much do you want for it?
35:14And here is your teaser.
35:15The words are penis hat.
35:17The clue is don't be so dramatic.
35:19That's penis hat.
35:20Don't be so dramatic.
35:21See you after the break.
35:38Welcome back.
35:39The answer to the teaser.
35:40The words were penis hat.
35:41The clue was don't be so dramatic.
35:43It was of course thespian.
35:44Rob and Kyle, you're 13 points behind.
35:48Yes.
35:48So we thought we would give you a little bit of extra help.
35:51In the form of the award winning comedian.
35:54Winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award.
35:56Sam Nickaresti.
35:57Woo!
35:58Welcome back.
35:59Welcome back.
36:04Nice to be here.
36:06Sorry I'm late.
36:07I was backstage hanging out with the friendliest parrot in the world.
36:12Okay, so you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award.
36:14Which is very impressive.
36:15But we're all winners here.
36:16Everyone's a leader in their field.
36:17We've got Britain's smallest man.
36:21TV's most chatty horse.
36:22And the world's most pointless mathematician.
36:25I don't know which one of us is the horse.
36:28There's three in the running.
36:35Now, have you brought a mascot?
36:36Do you know, I have bought a mascot actually, Jimmy.
36:39Let me get it up.
36:40Here we go.
36:41How about this?
36:43Ooh.
36:43Yeah, I bought this from home.
36:45What do you reckon?
36:47Ah, nice.
36:47Have you seen this?
36:48Have you seen one of those before?
36:49Ooh.
36:50Wow.
36:51Yeah?
36:51You like that?
36:52Yeah.
36:52I like trains.
36:54I like trains.
36:54I've got an affinity with trains.
36:55Because much like my hero, the Siberian Railway, I am also trans.
37:00So...
37:08Just to explain, that's why I'm dressed like the ghosts of liberal future come to haunt your problematic
37:12nan at Christmas.
37:15I don't know if anyone else here is really worried, but very hard.
37:17Very hard being trans.
37:18When I came out, I came out to my girlfriend a couple of years ago and she was really good
37:22with it, but like, you have to be honest, it's not really clear how you come out to your
37:26girlfriend about being trans.
37:28Like, what do you do?
37:29Sit down and say, honey, huge news, you're gay.
37:33That's...
37:35I mean, we're in trouble.
37:36I was tuning into the news the other day and they were saying, ah, trans women, they
37:41better stay away from sports.
37:43My pleasure.
37:44What the hell?
37:47For me, that's the entire point.
37:50I would have transitioned in secondary school if I knew it came with a sick note.
37:54That's insane.
37:56Big fan.
37:57But yes, my pronouns are she, they, but that's neither her nor there.
38:03OK.
38:08John, Roshi, your turn to choose the letters.
38:10Hello, Rachel.
38:11Hiya, John.
38:12Could we have a consonant, please?
38:15Yes, boss.
38:17R.
38:17And another one, please.
38:19Oh, he's cheered up now he's won the maths.
38:22Well, he's done the maths, but I still don't think he can do coyote spelling.
38:24We're going to see that play out and I'm quite excited.
38:27A vowel, please.
38:29O.
38:31A consonant, please.
38:33N.
38:34I think Sam's going to be really good as well, so you really have to try hard.
38:37A vowel, please.
38:40E.
38:41Another vowel, please, Rachel.
38:43I.
38:44And another consonant, then.
38:47C.
38:48Yeah, that's nice.
38:49Kick your vibes up.
38:50And, oh, I'd love a consonant, please, in this game I love with my friends.
38:56N.
38:57And then another consonant, please, old friend.
39:02N.
39:02And my old mate.
39:04R.
39:05OK, all right, your time starts now.
39:07I'm okay.
39:08I'm sorry, très bien.
39:34Wave, all right.
39:35You're fine.
39:35You're fine.
39:35I won't do anything, but I'm sorry.
39:36You're fine.
39:36You're fine.
39:36I'm sorry.
39:36That's nice.
39:38Rob, how many you got? I've got five. You've got five. Kyle, how many? Seven. Seven, okay. Roisin?
39:45Five.
39:46Okay, Sam, how many? I think I might have a nine.
39:51John? I also have a nine.
39:55What is your five? My five is rinse. Rinse.
40:01Rob, your five? Gonna. Oh. Gonna. They're a goner. That is a word. Rinse.
40:06So, unfortunately, it has an S, not a C.
40:12Roisin's a goner.
40:16What's your seven? Cringer. Cringer?
40:20No. Er, yes.
40:27Do you know what that looked like, Susie? That looked like the money hadn't hit your account yet.
40:31LAUGHTER
40:36No. Oh, it has actually, yeah.
40:39Okay, so, John, Sam, I'd like you to say your nine-letter word on the count of three.
40:44All right, you ready? One, two, three.
40:46Cornering.
40:47Wow.
40:4918 points for both in.
40:54Okay, here is your final teaser.
40:56The words are scene fart, the clue is seal that up.
40:59That's scene fart, seal that up, see you after the break.
41:08APPLAUSE
41:18Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were scene fart, the clue was seal that up. It was,
41:22of course, fastener.
41:24Ooh.
41:25Okay, time for our final letters game. Sam, your turn to choose.
41:28Oh, Mike, okay.
41:30Erm, please may I have a consonant?
41:32You may, indeed.
41:33And...
41:34Oh, yes. And then, er, two vowels.
41:38A...
41:39U.
41:40Consonant, please.
41:42D.
41:43Okay.
41:44I think a vowel.
41:46Good choice.
41:47I.
41:48Erm, well, now the pressure's on to make a good choice again.
41:51Consonant, right?
41:52S.
41:53No.
41:53Not happy with that at all, no.
41:56Erm...
41:56Consonant.
41:58M.
41:59A vowel.
42:00I've got another A.
42:02Er, and then a consonant.
42:03And the last one.
42:05R.
42:05Cool.
42:06I might have a crack on this because I find the game boring.
42:09OK, your time starts...
42:13Now.
42:25Have a few minutes.
42:35I walk here, you can return.
42:37One part.
42:37It's inching.
42:37One part.
42:39The second one.
42:41Wait, what's it?
42:45The third one.
42:48MoreигДers...
42:48Now.
42:49The third one.
42:51Pharahии!
42:53APPLAUSE
42:59Rob, how many?
43:01Six.
43:03Kyle?
43:03Seven.
43:04Sam?
43:05Six.
43:06Roisin?
43:07Five.
43:09OK.
43:10John?
43:11Seven.
43:13Oh!
43:15Kyle!
43:17Roisin, you're five?
43:18Metal.
43:19What, sorry?
43:22Metal?
43:23How are you spelling that incorrectly?
43:26How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
43:30My, my, my towel?
43:32Yeah.
43:33Oh, yeah.
43:33That's the one.
43:34So you wrote a U, and you couldn't be asked to finish it, so it was an L?
43:38It's not, it's just a sort of half-finish.
43:40Look, the word was causing me the most, so I gave up at the end.
43:42I thought, this isn't a word, so I bailed out on the U.
43:45But now, it seems like it is a word, am I right?
43:47Check your account.
43:51It's not in yet.
43:53It's not in yet.
43:53Rob, your six.
43:54Er, rudest.
43:56Rudest.
43:56Rudest.
43:56Yeah.
43:57Yeah, that feels more on point.
43:58How are you spelling rudest?
44:00Er, nudist with an R.
44:01R.
44:02Er...
44:02OK, so you don't look happy.
44:04I can't believe this is in.
44:06Oh, well, I'll tell you what, shove it.
44:09Because it is in.
44:11Do you know what it means?
44:12Absolutely not, no.
44:13No, it's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusk.
44:16Absolutely.
44:17I just thought it was someone that was the rudest.
44:21I was going to go for audits, but I didn't want to panic Jimmy.
44:24LAUGHTER
44:26That's fine.
44:28Er, Sam, your six?
44:29Autism.
44:30What's your seven?
44:31Stadium.
44:32John, your seven?
44:32I've got mustard.
44:33What's the other word?
44:35Marauds.
44:36Ooh, you should have gone with that one.
44:37But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that, so I'm chickened out.
44:40It's never stuck right.
44:42LAUGHTER
44:42Wow.
44:44OK, seven points to both teams.
44:49OK, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:52More sevens.
44:53More sevens.
44:54We have Marauds and Traumas and Samurai.
44:56Ooh.
44:57Samurai would have been good.
45:00OK, so Rob, Kyle and Sam have 37 points.
45:03John and Roisin have 50.
45:04Oh.
45:07Well done, neighbour.
45:09OK, fingers on buzzers.
45:10Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:15BUZZER
45:15BUZZER
45:19BUZZER
45:24BUZZER
45:36BUZZER
45:37Oh, Sam.
45:38Er, is it staunched?
45:42Is it, is that even a word?
45:44Let's see if Sam is right.
45:46APPLAUSE
45:55So, the final scores are Rob and Kyle and Sam have 47 points,
45:59but our winners, John and Roisin, are with 50.
46:02Congratulations.
46:03You are now the proud owner of this.
46:05The Countdown Camouflage Kit.
46:12Thanks to all our panelists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:14and to all of you for watching at home.
46:15That's it from us.
46:16Good night.
46:17lit.
46:35We'll see you again next time.
46:39Thanks.