- 4 days ago
I finally uploaded the first episode on Dailymotion (it would've been better if I upload some more episodes).
Life's a Bitch belongs to Philippine Animation Studio Inc., The Comedy Network, and The Oxygen Network.
Life's a Bitch belongs to Philippine Animation Studio Inc., The Comedy Network, and The Oxygen Network.
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FunTranscript
00:00Hi, I'm Midge.
00:02Midge McCracken!
00:04The only good times I ever have are with Yolanda...
00:09...and Troy.
00:10We match up people together and we charge them to, you know, make personal contact.
00:15Sexy Soulmates Dating Service Profiler.
00:19What does not kill me?
00:21Ooh, makes me want to kill myself.
00:28Life's a bitch.
00:43Honey, inner man is not where you should be putting it.
00:50Incoming.
00:51Crap! She's been on my ass about my smoking ever since I quit.
00:55But she doesn't fool me. Just waiting for me to fail so she can feel superior.
01:00Oh, yeah. She'd just love for me to catch lung cancer, wouldn't she?
01:05Well, I'll be damned if I'll give her the satisfaction.
01:08This is my last cigarette.
01:20But we have something special, Yolanda.
01:23The others don't understand us.
01:25Yes. It's just you and me, Shari.
01:29Come on, Shari. Suck me.
01:31Yes, Yolanda. You know you can't resist me.
01:34You know you want me.
01:38Oh, Shari. I want you.
01:40Your lips. Your throat. Your lungs. Oh, Shari.
01:45Oh, come on, baby. Suck me.
01:50Oui, Shari. Don't stop. Continue.
01:53And again, if I want to smoke, it is my business.
01:57I'm not hurting anyone but myself.
02:06Jesus. Is that stupid commercial on again?
02:10Stupid infomercial, not stupid commercial.
02:13Listen, you just can't stand that I finally got my big break.
02:17I'm the one who's going to be rich and famous, and you two ladies can't handle it.
02:22He's right.
02:25Oh, look. There goes old Mr. Williams from 4B again.
02:29Jeez, he's looking lively. Spry old bugger.
02:32So, you guys staying for supper or what?
02:38You know, Troy, honey, there's nothing we like more than to see you make it big.
02:43But nobody's ever made it by doing infomercials.
02:46Ha. Tell that to Ron Popeil.
02:50You know, the pocket fisher guy.
02:52Oh, right.
02:53You know, he's really made the A-list by spray painting Burt Reynolds' hair.
02:59Lonnie liked it for a while.
03:01Okay, here you go. You got your three basic food groups.
03:04You got your brown. You got your white. You got your green.
03:08No, no, no, no. No nasty leftovers for me.
03:11I'm going to get some oral satisfaction around here one way or another.
03:15Don't go there.
03:16Not going there.
03:22What? I ran out of room.
03:25I got crates of them back home.
03:27It's a great product. You should try them.
03:30Today.
03:30Hey.
03:31They paid you in Chewy Boss.
03:34Boy, how many times I got to tell you if you gonna be a whore, you gotta do it for
03:39something useful.
03:40Like pantyhose. Or diamonds. Or your last month's rent. When the bimbo at the bank won't give you an overdraft.
03:49But, cause the IRS froze your account. Again. You know, hypothetically speaking. But, it could happen.
03:59Give me that stupid.
04:01Ah!
04:02Mmm.
04:02Oh.
04:03Ooh.
04:04You know, they're not half bad.
04:07Oh, good. That's really good. Because if money doesn't start rolling in soon from the dating service, we'll be living
04:13on them.
04:17So, any good prospects for a dating service today?
04:20Oh, sure. You got your Cyclops, your bearded lady. Now if I can just find the 500 pound man, we
04:26can run a friggin' circus sideshow instead of a dating service.
04:29Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. Let me see.
04:33Ooh.
04:34What are you talking about? He's got beautiful blue... eye?
04:39You just have to try harder, Yolanda.
04:42What did you say?
04:44I said, try harder. You know, get off your ass. Stop pissing away the hours. Actually do some work for
04:51a change. There's a concept.
04:54Jeez, what's the matter with you?
04:56Oh, you're PMSing, right? Oh, I hear ya.
04:59I hear ya.
05:00Oh, I'm PMSing, alright.
05:03I had it up to hell.
05:05I gotta kick smoking, cause you don't like it.
05:08I do all the work while you're screwing off at your cushy little do-nothing job, and then you have
05:14the nerve to stroll in here and tell me what to do?
05:18Well, I don't think so.
05:20You can take your 50-50 partnership, where I do all the work and shove it up your 50-50
05:27booty!
05:29Hmm. Patches haven't kicked in yet, huh?
05:31No!
05:34No, no, no, no.
05:36Please.
05:37You gotta have a cigarette, ain't it, right?
05:39Come on, Gardner, you gotta help me up, okay?
05:41I just need one, see? Just one, see?
05:43Just to take the edge off.
05:45No.
05:47Hannibal Lecter had an edge.
05:49This is a freakin' precipice, and you're not dragging me over with you.
06:00You're here! Chew on this! You like them!
06:03There you go, girl! There you go!
06:09Troy!
06:09Go!
06:10That's it! They're good, aren't they?
06:13Yes, they are! Oh, yes, they are!
06:15That's a good girl! Yeah, you eat those!
06:18There you go.
06:19More bars, and keep them coming.
06:22This is gonna get ugly.
06:38Come on! Come on!
06:41Substandard piece of crap! Come on!
06:43I don't know why I let you talk me into this.
06:46Oh, God. Don't be such a baby.
06:49You know, it won't hurt a bit, and it'll be over before you know it. Trust me.
06:53That line may work on your dates, but not me. I'm outta here.
06:59Crap!
07:01Oh, no, you don't. You've got a monkey on your back the size of King Kong,
07:05and one of you is gonna die today. And I don't care which! Got it?
07:10I'm just trying to quit smoking! I don't need a licensed health professional.
07:16He's not.
07:17Not what? A health professional or licensed?
07:20Neither.
07:20He's a sort of a...
07:23...a what?
07:25A therapeutic clairvoyant.
07:27That's it! I'm gonna kill you!
07:29Ah! Ah!
07:31Oh!
07:32Ah! Ah! Ah!
07:33Ah! Ah! Ah!
07:33You're dead! Stop it!
07:35You first.
07:36No, you.
07:37No, please.
07:37Really?
07:38I insist.
07:38I don't mind.
07:40Besides, it's on me.
07:41So for once in your life, can't you just shut your mouth and be gracious for Christ's sake?
07:48Oh, my Lord.
07:55Oh, so now you're giving me the silent treatment?
08:00Well, two can play at that game.
08:03Look, I told you over the phone.
08:05Dr. Mesmo doesn't see anyone without an appointment.
08:08I told you to call ahead, but no!
08:11Get out of my way, freak.
08:13Yeah, Yolanda Jackson.
08:15Addictive personality, oppositional defiant, mood swings, delusional, a danger to herself and others.
08:20Dr. Mesmo doesn't see anyone without an appointment.
08:23Jackson, she's got to be there.
08:25I called three days ago, damn it.
08:30Come and smoke me.
08:32Won't you suck me?
08:33Come and smoke me.
08:34Won't you suck me?
08:35Come and smoke me.
08:38And you are?
08:39I'm about this close to a nervous breakdown.
08:42Jackson, it's right there, right in front of your face.
08:47What are you looking at?
08:50Kiss my asp.
08:53Listen, lady.
08:54I've got a coupon for a free session, so you might want to tell the doctor.
08:58He's got only one shot at fixing her.
09:00A coupon?
09:01Is that all I'm worth to you?
09:04A lousy coupon?
09:05Next, Miss Jackson?
09:08Is that my Yolanda Jackson?
09:10Uh-huh.
09:11That's me.
09:13Loser!
09:16Ow!
09:16Uh-oh.
09:30Aha!
09:31Very interesting.
09:34What?
09:35It's just a chewy bar.
09:36You say chewy bar.
09:38I say deep-seated oral gratification compulsion.
09:41A phallic symbol, of course, but one that's rooted in a festering mulch of inner psychic conflict.
09:48With a creamy milk chocolatey scent-up.
09:52Mm-mm.
09:54So, do we use aversion therapy?
09:57Positive visualization?
09:59Psycho-analysis, perhaps?
10:01Whatever.
10:03We must look deep into the past to uncover the roots of this problem and into the future
10:10to see how it will unfold if we do not stop this destructive pattern.
10:16Verstehen Sie das?
10:19Fortunately, you have come to the world expert in clairvoyant hypnosis.
10:24Und I have, how do you say in your language, been there.
10:27You see, I, too, have had to overcome an oral fixation.
10:34I liked sweets.
10:37Sweets, huh?
10:38Sweets.
10:40Candy bars, peppermints, lollipops, little caramels and truffles with a little brown sprinkles.
10:49You see?
10:51All right, sweets.
10:52I get it, I get it.
10:54So, first we will probe the hidden corners of your psyche.
10:59Oh, no, uh-uh, honey.
11:00No, no, no.
11:01I never probe on the first date.
11:03Usually.
11:04Quit yourself, relax.
11:06You will go sleepy.
11:08Look deep into my eyes.
11:10Huh?
11:12Hmm.
11:14Pfft.
11:14Huh.
11:15Oh.
11:17I don't think so.
11:19There is no way Yolanda Jackson can be hypnotized.
11:22Uh-uh, honey.
11:23No way.
11:24Now, see, I don't...
11:31So, Miss Jackson, I want you to look back into your past, to the moment when you first started
11:38to smoke.
11:39Do you have it?
11:40Mm-hmm.
11:42It was when I met that scheming temptress, Le'iwa.
11:47I see.
11:47Now, this Lola, was she a childhood friend?
11:51You jest, sir.
11:53Le'iwa was an Indian wench, though not without a certain charm.
11:59And, uh, when did this happen?
12:01We had just dropped anchor in New Albion and clanked the land for a majesty.
12:07I went out to check my log, but I believe it was June, the year 1579.
12:18Here.
12:19No, here, honey.
12:20Over here.
12:21Wait a minute.
12:22Over there.
12:23The light's better.
12:24No, wait, no.
12:26Oh, boys.
12:28Yoo-hoo.
12:29Hey, white boys.
12:30Uh-huh.
12:31I've got something for you.
12:34Yeah, something that'll get you hooked for the next thousand years, you white colonialist
12:39junkie pigs.
12:41You were Sir Francis Drake in a previous life?
12:45Oh, but this is great.
12:47But this is more than great.
12:48It's a movie of the week.
12:50No, book first.
12:52Yeah, that's right.
12:53Oh, and I get an agent.
12:54Two agents.
12:56Oh, Oprah.
12:57I'll be on Oprah.
13:01I'll blow that Dr. Phil out of the water.
13:06Wilma, cancel my appointments.
13:09For the next six months!
13:11Oh, Jesus.
13:13What's she done now?
13:15What the hell's going on in here?
13:18It's the wench!
13:19Huh?
13:32Okay, wait a minute.
13:33Okay, so you mean to say you've always been together in previous lives, making each other
13:37crazy, and until you finally resolve some deep underlying conflict, you're going to be
13:41joined at the hip throughout all eternity?
13:43Oh!
13:45Bummer.
13:45Well, it's all her fault, blaming me for everything, as usual.
13:50Yeah?
13:51Well, you started it, always trying to change everybody else.
13:54How about taking some responsibility for your own screw-ups for a change, huh?
13:59How about that?
14:00What?
14:01You know, just because 400 years ago, some gorgeous native girl welcomed murderous invaders
14:07onto the land her people had lived on for thousands of years?
14:11Jesus, you white people are all alike.
14:14Conniving wench.
14:16Self-medicating lunatic!
14:17Son of a bitch!
14:19I got nose hairs that could choke a horse in here!
14:22I shot three infomercials today!
14:25Why didn't anyone tell me?
14:27Friends tell friends about nose hairs, you know.
14:29You're the lunatic!
14:30Dragging me to that quack?
14:32Because she had a coupon.
14:34I swear, I made you a cheaper than dirt.
14:36Well, maybe I wouldn't have to use coupons if my so-called business partner actually did
14:42some work sometimes.
14:43Ow!
14:44Stop it!
14:45I can't groom!
14:47I mean, either figure out a way to prove this guy wrong or just kill each other now and
14:53put us all out of our misery.
14:55So, what's it gonna be?
14:59Midge?
15:00I'm thinking.
15:01I'm thinking!
15:02Of course, if Mesmo's right, if there is some cosmic reason you two just can't stop harping
15:08at each other, you're gonna be spending eternity together either way.
15:12Huh?
15:13Unless...
15:13What?
15:14Nah, forget it.
15:15It's just, you know, it's never gonna happen.
15:17What?
15:18Dammit!
15:19Well, the only way to break the cycle would be for you two to just learn to get along,
15:24you know?
15:24Be considerate of each other's feelings.
15:27Can't we all just show a little bit of love?
15:30Guys.
15:31I think I'm gonna be sick.
15:38So, like, I, uh, I like, I don't know, I like doing stuff.
15:44Well, he's kind of cute, huh?
15:46What do you think?
15:47What?
15:47I mean, yeah, sure, he's got a certain air about him.
15:53Between his ears.
15:55Okay, so he's a keeper.
15:57Ha!
15:58Mesmo's full of crap.
15:59We can get along just fine.
16:02Chip?
16:03Yes, thank you.
16:04Mmm, they're delicious.
16:06Cheap 79 cents a bag on special crap.
16:10You see?
16:10Food really does taste better when you stop smoking.
16:14Isn't this better?
16:15I told you, you should've quit ages ago.
16:18Ah, but then no one listens to me.
16:20What do I know, right?
16:22Ha ha!
16:22Well, what about this guy for that ex-nun from Philadelphia?
16:26I, I like to, uh, ride my hog and tattoos and, uh, big chicks.
16:31The nun?
16:32Oh, no, honey.
16:33I think you ought to keep that one for yourself.
16:35Definitely your type.
16:40Well, I haven't saved much.
16:46Huh?
16:46What?
16:47The boy with Tourette's syndrome.
16:49What?
16:49Uh, what?
16:51What'd she say?
16:52What?
16:52What did she say?
16:58Hmm?
16:59Sorry, am I disturbing you?
17:01Oh, no.
17:02Oh, look, there's one left.
17:05Mmm, no thanks.
17:06I've had enough.
17:07Come on.
17:08I know you want it.
17:10Go on.
17:11Take it.
17:11I said I don't want it.
17:13Okay, then.
17:16Actually, my real name is the app.
17:18The record's called.
17:19Oh, oh.
17:25What?
17:25You want me to turn it up, huh?
17:28I swear, girl, you gotta clean your ears once in a while.
17:38Also, the Golden Globe goes here, and then the Emmy over here, and the Oscar over there.
17:44Yeah, and then I think we must put here the bullets.
17:47Yes.
17:47Listen, you wildlife schizoid bastard.
17:51You gotta fix this now.
17:54Oh, I'm glad you're here.
17:55I need some more material.
17:57I mean, please tell me everything.
18:00You have to show us how to break free of this curse right now.
18:06No matter what it takes, money is no object.
18:10Well, actually, I have this other coupon.
18:12It says here you get two sessions for the price of...
18:13Coupon?
18:14Will you shut up about the coupons?
18:16Oh, no.
18:17You give me that coupon.
18:18Are you crazy?
18:19I'm going to shove that coupon where to send, don't you?
18:21Oh, my God, look what you've done.
18:22Achtung!
18:23I mean, we must proceed calmly.
18:27We need to explore every nook and cranny of your collective unconscious.
18:31This will take time, of course.
18:32Perhaps after a couple of months of deep probing, then you started this and you're going to fix it.
18:39Now!
18:40Well, I'm going to shove your head up your collective unconscious.
18:46Got it?
18:48Crispy on the outside and chewy on the...
18:55Breaking a pattern of passive-aggressive codependency that has stretched over thousands of years.
19:01Yeah, I can do that.
19:02Bell time.
19:03But first, I must have something to eat to focus my psychic energy.
19:09Yeah, and a rice cake, or a sugar-free brass mint, or anything.
19:18I'm back in a moment.
19:32This is all your fault, Mitch.
19:35And you're going to pay for it.
19:37If you didn't drive people to the brink of addiction, which are relentless, stupid bitching,
19:45we wouldn't even be sitting here now.
19:47Hey, you're the one who dragged me into this, always cramming something in your face.
19:52Why don't you just shove a gun in your mouth and get it over with?
19:55Be a hell of a lot cheaper.
20:03Lord, set me free!
20:05I can't hold on much longer!
20:07You can't hold on!
20:08I've been carrying you for a hundred lifetimes, and you know what?
20:13I quit!
20:13Lord, just get this over with, sweet Jesus!
20:18Hey.
20:19Hey, where do you go?
20:22Dr. Mesmo?
20:23Hello?
20:25Dr. Mesmo?
20:27Whoa.
20:30Jeez.
20:32For a clairvoyant, he sure didn't see that coming.
20:38Hey.
20:39Hey, wait a minute.
20:41You know what this means, don't you?
20:43Yeah.
20:43I don't have to pay for this session.
20:46He was full of crap.
20:48His whole theory about us being joined at the hip through all eternity, it was all crap.
20:54Yes!
20:55Free!
20:56We're free!
20:57Free at land!
20:58Free!
20:59Free!
21:00Trapped together throughout all eternity, Lord, talk about a fate worse than death.
21:06Hey, you could do worse.
21:08Yeah?
21:09I don't think so.
21:11What's that supposed to mean?
21:15Left.
21:16Left.
21:17The other left, stupid.
21:19What?
21:19Now I'm not eating your tics fast enough?
21:22Jesus!
21:23I'm fed up with your constant griping.
21:25I don't know what's worse, a thousand little parasites in my ears or a great big one on
21:32my ass.
21:33I'm sick of being your meal ticket.
21:36I swear, next life, I'm coming back as an orangutan.
21:39They spend their whole solitary lives all alone in the jungle.
21:44All alone?
21:45Oh, yeah?
21:46So then where do all the other orangutans come from, dumbass?
21:51Okay, watch it, I'm watching it off my back, I pat it, I pat it, I pat it, I pat
21:54it!
21:54Pick your own damn ears, fat ass!
21:56Dumbitch!
21:57Watch it!
22:00Come and smoke me, come and smoke me!
22:03God, I'd kill for a smoke.
22:10Dumbitch!
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