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00:00Killing Tales for Dark Nights
00:30Oh, Peter, it's arrived.
00:36We've got one.
00:37Got one what?
00:38Our Kenyan baby.
00:39You remember, we sent off an advert in the paper.
00:41Yes.
00:43Oh, yes, wonderful.
00:44Let me see, let me see.
00:45Yes, they are.
00:46Okay.
00:47Oh, how strange.
00:50His name's Geoffrey.
00:53Oh, dear, I expected something slightly more ethnically.
00:56Yes, I know.
00:57What does his surname say?
01:00Menzies.
01:01Oh, my God, he's not Scottish, is he?
01:04True.
01:05Let me have a look.
01:06Come here, let me see.
01:07Oh, Peter, that's Menethies.
01:09Oh, Menethies.
01:10Oh, that's much better.
01:12Oh, look, this tells us all about him.
01:13Geoffrey is an average boy.
01:15He's very cheerful.
01:17Oh, he's average.
01:19Dear, well, look at his drawings.
01:21Dog, tree, lady.
01:24Cheerful, but obviously excessively stupid.
01:26Oh, come on, he's only...
01:28Oh, he's ten.
01:31Oh, I thought we were getting a baby.
01:32Oh, let's see the photograph.
01:34Oh, my God.
01:36Well, there's obviously been a dreadful mistake.
01:38Oh, is he a cripple?
01:39No, no, he's...
01:40Well, he's just...
01:44Well, see for yourself.
01:46Oh.
01:47Oh, his hair's sort of not as curly as I expected to be.
01:50No, he doesn't look particularly foreign, does he?
01:54Well, he's not really black.
01:59Oh, my God.
02:01They've given us a Brazilian.
02:04He's not even undernourished.
02:05A Brazil doesn't need our money.
02:07It's all coffee, carnival and football.
02:09I mean...
02:10It's a marvellous way of life.
02:11Okay, so he's not wearing any shoes,
02:13but it never did Pele any harm, did he?
02:14Exactly.
02:15I mean, is he any good at sport?
02:17Well, it doesn't say.
02:19Oh, my God.
02:20What?
02:21He says we've got to write to him about crop rotation.
02:23Oh, well, he can...
02:24He can stuff that.
02:26How much are we paying to educate this dummy?
02:28I want a proper one.
02:29Get on the phone.
02:30All right.
02:36Hello.
02:37Is that Action Crisis Aid?
02:38No.
02:39Hello.
02:39Jennifer Wells here.
02:40Yes, there seems to have been a bit of a mistake.
02:43Um, what we ordered was, um...
02:46Yes, you seem to have said it's a rather healthy Brazilian adult
02:49and what we were actually in the market for were...
02:51What?
02:52Oh, she's saying something about a Colombian.
02:54Oh, no, no, no.
02:55That's...
02:55Give it to me.
02:56Give it to me.
02:56Hello.
02:57Peter Wells here.
02:58Now, listen.
02:59A South American simply isn't on, okay?
03:01We want an African.
03:03Yes.
03:03And flies in the desert.
03:05Yes.
03:05Have you got anyone left from the Band-Aid video?
03:12What?
03:13Oh, for heaven's sake, we're only trying to help.
03:16Look, all we want is a tiny, hungry African
03:19that we can feed up a bit
03:22and encourage to run in the Olympic Games.
03:25Not a corpulent giant
03:29who's going to witter on and on about crop rotation.
03:33Well, thank you.
03:35Well, if they didn't want our money,
03:37let's see if we can't get a better deal with the NSPCC.
03:40Exactly.
03:40What are we going to do about Geoffrey?
03:42Oh, just write and tell him we're dead.
03:43Stony Bridge, described by Sir Walter Scott
03:52as Stony Bridge.
03:55Stony Bridge, with its Stony Bridge.
04:00Stony Bridge, prospective host for the 1996 Olympic Games.
04:06Stony Bridge, with plenty of scope for development of a track.
04:18Our swimming pool.
04:23We don't have a velodrome yet,
04:26but Magret does have a bicycle,
04:28so you can't fault us for spirit
04:30in Stony Bridge.
04:33Oh, I don't think you entered in any competition, Tavi.
04:38You see, everyone wants to get in on the act
04:42in Stony Bridge.
04:44If being old and quite interesting
04:47was an Olympic sport,
04:49then surely Wally McPhee
04:51would be there or thereabouts.
04:54If we could get him out the pub,
04:57uh-huh.
04:59What's this?
05:01Of course, it's the Olympic Village.
05:04As we call it.
05:07And outside, for the press,
05:10a first-class T-phone
05:12with his own directory.
05:15Remember, it's 0412265061
05:20for Stony Bridge.
05:24All roads lead to Rome.
05:27Apart from the B7193,
05:30it's just spirits.
05:32Stony Bridge.
05:35Stony Bridge.
05:37Bang slap on the route
05:38of the number 47 bus.
05:41Except for Thursdays,
05:44when you'll be advised to change
05:45at the Yates of Mucker.
05:48Oh, fuck.
05:49Stony Bridge.
05:52Wear games if you are.
05:54Rubbish!
06:05What's the matter, Wally?
06:07Too short.
06:08It was just getting going,
06:09I thought.
06:10Oh, Wally,
06:10we're on a tight budget,
06:12as you know.
06:12Two points.
06:14Secondly,
06:15do I have to wear this beard?
06:17Oh, Magret,
06:18we've been through this before.
06:20It's traditional.
06:21Anyway,
06:22you look very handsome.
06:24Now, your point, please.
06:26Well,
06:26I don't want to be a wet blanket,
06:28but don't you think
06:28we might be overreaching ourselves
06:30a wee bit with this Olympic bid?
06:32Oh,
06:33Magret,
06:34Magret!
06:35What would you have us bid for,
06:36Magret?
06:37Well,
06:37what about the World Cup?
06:39What about the Commonwealth Games?
06:41They're crap.
06:44Oh,
06:44I think there might be
06:45a danger bear,
06:46you know,
06:46an influx,
06:47effect,
06:47you know,
06:47others,
06:48other people,
06:49as they say,
06:49you know.
06:49I don't quite follow.
06:51Oh,
06:51you know,
06:51the sort of folk
06:52your brother-in-law
06:53doesn't care for.
06:54Oh,
06:54I see.
06:55Others?
06:56Yes.
06:57Not that they bother me.
06:58No,
06:58they bother me.
07:00Anyway,
07:00I don't think
07:01big jock allows them
07:02in the hotel.
07:03Well,
07:03look,
07:04we've spent 20 quid
07:05on this wee deal.
07:06We've got a bid
07:07for something.
07:09What about
07:09the Stonybridge
07:10Highland Games?
07:12Oh,
07:12I think it's
07:13jingle time.
07:15Oh!
07:20It's just a wee bit
07:21impractical,
07:22it's all I'm saying.
07:23Magret,
07:23Magret,
07:23shut up about the beards.
07:25Bobby here's got
07:26the jingles.
07:27Well done,
07:28Bobby,
07:28by the way,
07:28you've really rushed
07:29them through this time.
07:30Thanks.
07:31Okay,
07:31is everyone ready?
07:32Here we go.
07:34It could be timber
07:35to a Paris
07:37or even Thailand
07:39but there's only one place
07:41in that Stonybridge
07:42for the Highland
07:45games.
07:48Wait a minute,
07:49there's one more.
07:49Here we go.
07:51If you like tossing
07:53a caver
07:54or eating porridge,
07:57have the Highland Games
07:58at Stonybridge
07:59and not at Norwich.
08:01Oh,
08:02there we go.
08:03Well, that's a loud noise.
08:04Merrillist, there.
08:05Here we are.
08:06Here's our answer.
08:07Oh!
08:08Ah-ha.
08:10Dear Stonybridge Town Council,
08:12after careful consideration,
08:15we are delighted to announce
08:16that this year's Stonybridge Highland Games
08:18will be held the week commencing 19th July
08:22in the Yets of Muckert.
08:25Oh, no.
08:27But what about Gilbert,
08:29our mascot?
08:31A gildom specially.
08:34A dead mouse.
08:36What is that then, man?
08:37It is a gnome.
08:39Like me, man.
08:39I am a gnome.
08:40Look at me.
08:41A lovely, big gnome.
08:43Yes.
08:44All my...
08:44All my...
08:46All my family were gnome's, man.
08:49Never had any time for verbs,
08:50or adjectives.
08:53Grab a school-wise, man.
08:55Yes, a gnome.
08:56You can hold in your hand.
08:58A pint of beer is a gnome.
09:00An adjective
09:00will describe a pint of beer for you
09:03and a verb will drink it.
09:05Gnome's, man.
09:06Gnome's.
09:07Words are so important.
09:08I...
09:09And so, ladies and gentlemen,
09:14due to the mounting press speculation
09:17surrounding the so-called
09:18scribing scandal,
09:20we have prepared this statement
09:21on behalf of the United Churches of Britain.
09:24Now, it is true
09:26that, unfortunately,
09:27in one of the earliest translations
09:29of the Bible,
09:30errors were indeed made.
09:33And so there are
09:34a few minor changes
09:35to the Bible.
09:36Well, in fact,
09:39to the boogle.
09:41Well, it's not too English to note.
09:43Now, thankfully,
09:44the name God
09:45was correctly transcribed.
09:48His son, however,
09:50was not so fortunate.
09:52Jesus Crisp
09:53is, in fact,
09:55the man who died on the cross
09:57attended by his mother.
10:00March.
10:02Now, most of the Gaspels
10:04in the Odd Testament
10:05remain intact,
10:07but in the Newt Testament,
10:09we now have
10:10Matthew,
10:11Mark,
10:12Luke,
10:12and Bertie.
10:15Our Aaron scribe
10:17obviously having
10:17a particularly
10:18off day
10:19there.
10:20We now come
10:21to the commandments,
10:23the Ten Commandments,
10:25as it turns out.
10:26Firstly,
10:27thou shalt not kilp.
10:29Now, kilp,
10:30obviously,
10:31is any large
10:32sort of brown
10:32seaweed
10:33or rack.
10:35And I think
10:35what we can read
10:36into this
10:36is that God
10:37is saying,
10:38thou shalt not kilp,
10:39thou shalt not have
10:40anything at all
10:41to do with
10:42seaweed.
10:44And secondly,
10:45thou shalt not
10:46cover,
10:48cover
10:48thy neighbour's wife,
10:51presumably
10:52with anything,
10:54and particularly
10:55not with seaweed.
10:57Now,
10:58the other important
10:59alterations are
11:00Moses
11:01and the burning bus.
11:04The Sermon
11:05on the Mountie,
11:07a plate
11:09of locusts,
11:10the Father,
11:12the Son,
11:13and the Holy Guest,
11:15and,
11:15last but not least,
11:18Noah's arse.
11:21And,
11:22contrary to
11:23popular belief,
11:24the animals
11:25did not go in
11:26two by two.
11:28Well,
11:29thank you,
11:30ladies and gentlemen.
11:31That is the
11:32entire statement
11:33as dictated
11:34to me
11:34by the arch
11:35buttock
11:36himself.
11:43All right,
11:44all right,
11:44just having a look.
11:45Come on.
11:47Buttocks,
11:48very important,
11:49keep them nice,
11:50keep them tidy,
11:50keep them clean,
11:51like mine,
11:52very.
11:53Highly trained,
11:54like we want to sing
11:55a song,
11:56if need be.
11:57Listen to this.
11:58clever,
12:01I'm pridefully clever,
12:03of course,
12:03picatious rhymes
12:04with voracious.
12:06Clever,
12:07I sound really clever,
12:09because I know
12:09capacious rhymes
12:10with pergnatious.
12:12Salicious,
12:13sericious,
12:14pedacious,
12:15you probably don't
12:16know what they
12:17mean.
12:20Which makes me
12:21clever,
12:22so pridefully clever,
12:23I can fit in a hell
12:25of a lot of words
12:25in every line.
12:27Big words,
12:28incredibly big words,
12:30and some of them
12:31are really huge.
12:33Ostentatious,
12:34rapacious,
12:35fugacious,
12:37seracious,
12:38radacious,
12:39stercouracious.
12:42You probably
12:43don't know,
12:44you probably
12:45don't know,
12:46you probably
12:46don't know
12:47what they mean.
13:08Thank you so much.
13:10I should now
13:10like to do a song
13:11that I wrote of times
13:13long ago
13:14and far away.
13:15never.
13:17Ah,
13:18shut your bloody
13:19gulp.
13:23Oh,
13:23dear, dear,
13:24dear.
13:25You know
13:25you're getting old
13:26when policeman starts.
13:31Don't you?
13:35There we are.
13:37Nice boil
13:38in the bag,
13:38I took.
13:40You know
13:40what you are?
13:42Give me dinner.
13:44I'm going to
13:44eat you all,
13:45up.
13:46You ain't got a chance
13:47because I got
13:48me knife and fork
13:49and I got
13:50me teeth.
13:51I got nipper,
13:52a nusher,
13:53a chumper
13:54and sleeve.
13:57Yeah.
13:58So we are
13:58outnumbered.
14:00Do you know
14:00how old I am?
14:0287.
14:04Ha, ha, ha.
14:06What's that?
14:08Have I washed
14:08me hands?
14:09Oh,
14:10bloody need
14:10to wash me hands.
14:11I'm very clean.
14:12We all are
14:13up at the day center.
14:15They cleaned
14:15one old man
14:16to death.
14:18Right,
14:18here we go.
14:19Ha, ha, ha.
14:21I got you now.
14:23I got your number.
14:24In me go,
14:25you go.
14:25What?
14:27No?
14:28Arse.
14:30You bloody done that
14:31on purpose.
14:32I don't think you got me beaten.
14:35I'll have a sip of tea
14:36and then I'll be back.
14:38Where's that bloody teaspoon?
14:39There you are.
14:41Hiding behind the sauce bottle.
14:43You don't like having your head
14:45stuck in hot tea,
14:46do you?
14:49Do you know
14:50how old I am?
14:52Ninety.
14:53Ha, ha.
15:01Lovely.
15:02Right.
15:03I'll have a go
15:03at them peas now.
15:05Just for sure
15:06we can bloody do it.
15:07I don't even like you.
15:12You're only on the plate
15:13because you're a challenge.
15:15Oh.
15:16Oh,
15:16under the table,
15:17is it?
15:18Oh,
15:18what a rock to rain,
15:19is it?
15:20Oh,
15:20well,
15:20that don't put me off.
15:21I'm used to gorilla tap.
15:23Come here,
15:24you lady.
15:25I'll cut that bit.
15:27What?
15:29You
15:29little
15:30green
15:31git.
15:33You
15:34bloody nose.
15:35I can't get you down there,
15:36don't you,
15:36you bastard.
15:38I'm 93 years old
15:40and I'm still a better man
15:42than you.
15:44Fandling nun.
15:48Bloody old lad
15:49all about.
15:51A career in a nunnery
15:53is a job
15:53for life.
15:55And there's so many
15:56orders to choose from.
15:58The Sansalites,
15:59devoted to worshipping
16:00the life of Christ
16:01and colouring in
16:03each other's noses
16:04with felt-tipped pens.
16:06Or,
16:07why not
16:07the Dibbly-Dobbly-Dobbly-Dites,
16:09famous for spitting gooseberries
16:11at William Shakespeare.
16:13Or,
16:14look at the
16:14Bomb-Belly-Stickle-Lally-Five-Fellyites,
16:17worshipful,
16:18sure,
16:19but not averse
16:20to the ad game of
16:21Subutio on the B-357.
16:23We should like to point out
16:27that playing Subutio
16:28on the B-357
16:29can be extremely dangerous.
16:32It should only be attempted
16:34if things are really
16:34getting too much
16:36and you can't face life
16:37anymore.
16:38We would also like to point out
16:45that doing dangerous things
16:47can be extremely dangerous.
16:49The safest things to do
16:50are, in fact,
16:51safe things.
16:55Having said that,
16:57we would like to point out
16:58that some safe things
16:59can unexpectedly
17:00turn out to be
17:01extremely dangerous.
17:03And,
17:04in our opinion,
17:04the safest thing to do
17:06is nothing whatsoever.
17:09We should also point out
17:11that doing nothing whatsoever
17:12can be extremely dangerous.
17:14For instance,
17:14standing on a railway line
17:15and doing nothing whatsoever
17:16can be very dangerous indeed.
17:21We would like to stress
17:22that this is not meant
17:23to suggest that we recommend
17:24you standing on a railway line
17:25doing something.
17:27What we recommend is
17:28not standing on a railway line
17:30at all.
17:32Lie down,
17:33that's our advice.
17:35We'd like to point out
17:35whether that was a joke.
17:38Look,
17:38we'd like to point out
17:39that what you do
17:40is your business.
17:41And if you're stupid enough
17:42to take everything
17:42we say literally,
17:44then that's your problem,
17:45matey.
17:46That's what we'd like
17:47to point out.
17:49Trousers,
17:50I'm wearing trousers.
17:51They're very elegant
17:52and made of crimply.
17:55Trousers,
17:56I'm wearing trousers.
17:58You probably don't know.
17:59You probably don't know.
18:01You probably don't know
18:02what they are.
18:03You probably don't know.
18:04You probably don't know what they are.
18:05You probably don't know what they are.
18:11Sing in, man.
18:12Lovely.
18:14I do a bit of singing.
18:15Especially when I'm
18:16training.
18:19Or when I'm
18:20putting in the leather.
18:23But first of all,
18:24I like to sing
18:24when I'm at the dentist's.
18:26Because I'm too hard
18:27for an anaesthetic,
18:28see?
18:28So I go in and I say,
18:29dentist boy,
18:30get those teeth out,
18:32good boy,
18:32and I'll sing our song.
18:33Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:40What are we telling you
18:41all this for?
18:43Shove off, man.
18:44Yes, I do know
18:46what happens
18:46when you go
18:47to the dentist's.
18:49You go with your mum
18:50and you sit
18:50in a brown room
18:52what smells like
18:52a cough sweet
18:53what has fallen
18:54down the toilet.
18:56And this is
18:57where you do
18:58the waiting
18:58for the lady
18:59what looks like
19:00a nurse
19:00but is not
19:01really a nurse
19:02to come
19:02and get you.
19:03And when you are
19:04in this changing room
19:05you must be
19:06very quiet.
19:08And your mum
19:08does read a magazine
19:10with pages dropping out
19:11and cooking in them.
19:13And you are allowed
19:14to look at the pixies
19:15on the wall
19:16and there is a picture
19:17of a big toothbrush
19:18what is makes
19:19into a little boy
19:20what can talk.
19:21And you must not
19:23scribble on it.
19:26Then the lady
19:27does come and get you
19:28and says it is time
19:29to go in a special
19:30tiny room
19:31and there's a big chair
19:32in it
19:32what is looking
19:33like a bed
19:34but has no blankets
19:35and it has got
19:36electric in it
19:37and it will kill you
19:38if you cry.
19:41And you can see
19:42the densest table
19:43and it has got
19:44scissors and
19:45knives and forks
19:46on it
19:47and that's
19:47chopping off
19:48your tongue with.
19:49and they do get
19:51sharpened by a little
19:52dwarf who lives
19:53in a cage.
19:55And then the densest
19:57does smile
19:58and he says
19:59do not be frightened
20:00please thank you
20:01for I'm only going to
20:01have a look
20:02for heaven's sake.
20:04And then you must
20:05open your mouth
20:06really wide enough
20:07for a puppy to go in.
20:09And then he does
20:10bend over
20:11and you can see
20:12right up his hairy nose.
20:13and skin does fall out of his hair
20:17onto your jumper
20:18and his mouth does smell all pooey
20:21and his teeth are brown
20:24but with shiny bits in them
20:26but this is alright
20:27for buzzy is the densest.
20:29And then he does
20:30tell you to open your mouth
20:31even bigger
20:32and that is for buzzy
20:33wants to get in your throat
20:35and have an adventure.
20:38It's too big.
20:39And then he does
20:40say to the pretend nurse
20:42look madam
20:42this tooth is made out
20:44of milk
20:44so you must be
20:45very careful
20:46and this one
20:47is made out of gums
20:48and this one
20:49has got a great
20:50big hole in it
20:51and he does
20:51punch you on the tongue
20:52with the pliers.
20:55And then the pretend nurse
20:56she does try to make you
20:57drink poison
20:58and it is red
21:00and you must
21:01never ever swallow it
21:03for because if you do
21:04it will make your throat
21:05swivel up
21:06into a snake
21:07while you crawl
21:09into your tummy
21:10and turn into a tape measure.
21:13It will only die
21:14if you let it eat
21:15Mars bars.
21:17And that is what happens
21:19when you go to the densest.
21:20It is.
21:21It's true.
21:24Wonder Woman
21:25fantastic
21:26good-looking
21:28handsome
21:29Would you like some more wine?
21:40No.
21:46Mineral water?
21:47Mm-mm.
21:48You read my mind.
21:49It's a speciality.
21:51I do hope not.
21:53Something to hide?
21:54Well, you'd know.
21:56Oh, I'm not 100% lucky.
21:58And the mind reading?
21:59Mm-mm.
22:00Mm-mm.
22:01Mm-mm.
22:01Mm-mm.
22:02Mm-mm.
22:02Mm-mm.
22:03Mm-mm.
22:04Mm-mm.
22:04Mm-mm.
22:04Mm-mm.
22:04Coffee.
22:05You read my mind.
22:07I learn fast,
22:09strong and black.
22:10The pupil Edwards,
22:11the teacher.
22:12I'm in publishing.
22:13I make decisions.
22:14So you're the publisher
22:16they talk about.
22:16Maybe.
22:17And do they all
22:18talk about you?
22:19If they mention
22:20the writer.
22:22You were never
22:23off their lips.
22:24That's the way
22:25I like it.
22:30Everything is
22:31crushing the day.
22:32Until very recently.
22:34What's the capital
22:34of Italy?
22:35Rome.
22:36How does it sound?
22:36Romantic.
22:37And when in Rome?
22:38Do as you would
22:39be done by.
22:40I bet you've never
22:40been done,
22:41Madame Prudential.
22:42But I bet you've
22:42done the doing,
22:43Monsieur Reiter.
22:44Enough sarcasm
22:45and edge.
22:46Pax.
22:49The grass is always
22:50greener.
22:50On the other continent.
22:51Sorry about the wrong.
22:52No coincidence,
22:53I've just very
22:54cleverly edited
22:54a very intelligent
22:55book on travel.
22:57You must be
22:57very intelligent.
22:58I am intelligent
22:59and attractive.
23:01What a fascinating
23:01combination.
23:02But not quite as
23:03fascinating as a
23:04disheveled, rugged,
23:05heavily smoothing,
23:05cryptic, sarcastic,
23:06apparently available
23:07and very intelligent
23:08writer.
23:09I'm intelligent
23:11and attractive.
23:12I think we got away
23:25with it.
23:26I think the chap
23:26mentioned you might have
23:27noticed something.
23:28He never does.
23:29What?
23:29He's my husband.
23:33I've got the Porsche
23:34outside.
23:34happy.
23:39Ecstatic.
23:40I've got it
23:44deeply.
23:48What do you mean
23:50you're bored?
23:51Andante, I'm singing
23:59Andante, you probably
24:01don't know, you probably
24:03don't know where I live.
24:09Oh, sorry to bother you.
24:12Has anybody got a mop I could
24:13borrow?
24:14It's my own mop.
24:15Oh, no problem.
24:22Or a cloth, a damp cloth.
24:24No sweat, no, my dog.
24:28Or a hanky, just a large hanky.
24:30Obviously, I'd reimburse you.
24:32OK, I'm not going to do it.
24:35Can I shovel in a bucket?
24:37It's disinfectant.
24:39Fair dues.
24:42Pleasers!
24:45Couple of safety pins.
24:50Small hostess trolley with
24:52circular wheel attachments
24:53and selection of party nibbles.
25:11He's got a bit of a chesty cough.
25:15How much?
25:15OK.
25:22You're welcome.
25:23OK.
25:24You're welcome.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:31APPLAUSE
25:32Oh, Robin, do you remember?
25:51Yes.
25:52What?
25:53Our first date?
25:54Oh, yes.
25:55You had on that awful pink and grey anorak.
26:00And I thought, how am I ever going to convince him to wear a blue and white one?
26:05I used to have awful dress sense in those days.
26:09He was really nervous.
26:11We could hardly speak.
26:12Nonsense.
26:13We got on like a house on fire.
26:14Can I have your anorak?
26:21Yes.
26:22So's yours.
26:23It's a nice bar.
26:24What is?
26:25This is.
26:26It's a nice bar.
26:27What is?
26:28This is.
26:29It's a nice bar.
26:32So, which do you prefer?
26:33Radio or television?
26:34Television.
26:35Oh, me too.
26:36Why?
26:37Because the pictures.
26:38It's more...
26:39It's more...
26:40Visual.
26:41Visual.
26:42Which reminds me.
26:43I was going to ask you about music.
26:44Oh, pop or classical?
26:45Me too.
26:46What?
26:47I do too.
26:48Pop or classical?
26:49Me too.
26:50What?
26:51I do too.
26:52Pop or classical?
26:53Me too.
26:54As well.
26:55Too.
26:56Maybe you'd like to come to a concert?
26:58Yes, please, if you've got one.
26:59Pop or classical?
27:00Me too.
27:01I like your bar.
27:02Yes, it's my favourite owner actually.
27:03Have you got any parents?
27:04Yes, thank you too.
27:05Oh, that's good.
27:06Excellent.
27:07Yes.
27:08A man?
27:21A woman?
27:22Yes, you.
27:24What does your father do?
27:25He's dead.
27:26At the moment.
27:27Oh, I'm sorry.
27:28Oh, I'm sorry.
27:30It's all right. You didn't kill him.
27:33He's got a nice hair.
27:35Is that the time? Perhaps we could go for a...
27:37Haircut? That's all right. You didn't kill him.
27:39I suppose not. Anyway, he's got a nice grave.
27:42Is that the time? Perhaps we could go for a...
27:43Walk? Yes, I'll just go to the toilet.
27:47Right. Me too, as well.
27:51You've combed your hair.
27:53No.
27:55There's something different about you, I'm sure.
27:58Luke?
28:23Linking, I'm only linking.
28:25You probably don't care. You probably don't care.
28:28You probably don't care. You probably don't care,
28:30nor do I.
28:36Oh, wait a minute.
28:38Oh, it could be Callum Gilhooly.
28:40Oh, he hasn't phoned me from...
28:42Oh, I can't speak to Callum. I can't.
28:43It'll be three hours of anecdotes about shopping trolleys.
28:48And then he'll show me photographs off of them. Over the phone.
28:51It might not be Callum. It might not be Callum. It might be someone important.
29:01I bet it was someone important.
29:13Oh, maybe it is somebody important. Oh, God!
29:17God!
29:19God, maybe it's... Maybe someone's died.
29:21Maybe Callum's died.
29:23No, no-one had fun if Callum died.
29:25Apart from Callum.
29:27Indeed. Death wouldn't stop Callum hounding me.
29:29Get off the lane, Callum!
29:31I'm warning you, Callum, leave me alone!
29:33Please, leave me alone!
29:39Okay, okay.
29:41Right.
29:42What? No? Okay.
29:44Callum?
29:45I will talk to you, Callum, but...
29:48There are certain provisos that must be upheld by you.
29:51Number one.
29:52There must be no stories about hats.
29:56No matter how amusing you may find them to be.
29:58Number two.
29:59Don't you dare hang up on me whilst I'm talking to you.
30:09Number two.
30:13Are you listening?
30:14Number two.
30:15My answering of the phone in no way constitutes an agreement to meet you for a drink.
30:21And number three.
30:22I reserve the right to tell you finally exactly what I think of you
30:26and to intimate to you in the strongest possible terms
30:29that any future meeting between the two of us must only occur after we're both dead.
30:36Do you understand the terms?
30:37Let's talk.
30:39Hello.
30:40Fancy a drink, John?
30:41Oh, God, when, Callum?
30:43Thursday.
30:44Oh, any night but Thursday.
30:46Wednesday.
30:47Oh, any night but Wednesday or Thursday.
30:49Tuesday.
30:50Oh, difficult.
30:51Got a meeting in the afternoon.
30:52Could run on to the evening, really.
30:54Monday.
30:55Oh, preparing for the meeting, you see.
30:57A week Tuesday?
30:58Difficult.
30:59Between seven and nine on Tuesday?
31:00No.
31:01How about a quickie between nine and 9.15?
31:02No.
31:04Or put one in after work about five to six?
31:06No.
31:07No.
31:08Or one when the pub opens about 5.30?
31:09No.
31:10Or we could meet before last orders about 10 to 11.
31:12Oh.
31:13Or maybe a nip in a chaser if we meet 10 minutes before that.
31:16Oh, well.
31:17Or if we met 10 minutes before that 10 minutes, which would be between about 10.30 and 10.40,
31:21then we could have one more and maybe some peanuts.
31:25Uh-huh.
31:27Or maybe take the peanuts home and eat them there.
31:30Or eat them on the way home.
31:31Uh-huh, uh-huh.
31:32What about this Friday?
31:33Oh, I'm out.
31:34Are you sure?
31:35Definitely.
31:36You sound into me.
31:37Shit, this is Friday.
31:39No...
31:40Look, today!
31:41The sun is shining.
31:42While we're knowing you and me.
31:55And it's so lovely, nice and very sunny.
31:59A true to world, you see.
32:04Oh, that sounds really.
32:06I've been so tired of the road
32:09When the Lord is on his heart
32:12Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
32:14I can't be mine
32:16That's funny.
32:22Not as funny as when you said,
32:24I'm definitely out, and you were in.
32:25That was the funniest bit.
32:27That had me laughing.
32:28Well, you know, because you heard me laughing, that is.
32:32Yes, yes.
32:34A phone call for Elaine Davidson.
32:36Phone call for Elaine Davidson.
32:39You've not changed your name to Elaine Davidson, have you, by any chance, Callan?
32:43I don't think so.
32:44Because if I was going to be a girl, I was going to be called Agnes.
32:47Oh, good.
32:48But I'm not, so I'm not.
32:50I'm glad I'm not a girl, actually, because I don't have any bras or skirts.
32:55Or knickers.
32:57I suppose I could get some, though.
32:59I mean, I've got some money.
33:01Or I could sell my Y-fronts.
33:04Or swap them.
33:06And then I could get some skirts and tights.
33:08That's another thing I don't have.
33:09Tights.
33:10I could keep an anorak, though.
33:12Because it's a multi-purpose, bisexual anorak for the person of the game.
33:16Would the owner of the Red Fiat Uno be 432XYG.
33:21Please remove it.
33:22That's the Red Fiat Uno.
33:23Move it!
33:24You don't have a Red Fiat Uno, Callan, do you, by any chance?
33:29No, I don't have a Red Fiat Uno by any chance.
33:31Tell you what I do have, though.
33:32What?
33:32A hat.
33:33Oh, cool.
33:34I like hats, because you can put them on your head.
33:38Yeah.
33:39You don't have to, though.
33:40Sometimes you can take them off, and then you can put them down somewhere else, and it's
33:43good, because they don't take up too much room.
33:46Unless it's a big hat.
33:47Yeah.
33:47But my hat's a small hat, to contrast with my anorak, which, as you know, is...
33:51Enormous.
33:52...blue.
33:54Man in the green jersey, you're talking shite.
33:59Man in the green jersey, you're talking shite.
34:09Yes, Brown Robson is only effective in a midfield role.
34:14Now, in the red dress, you're wearing too much make-up.
34:17Actually, tuck in the red dress, too much make-up.
34:23Gentleman in the corner with the beard, you have no chance with her.
34:29You have no chance with her.
34:33I saw one of the funniest shopping trolleys I've ever seen the other day.
34:38I was going down to...
34:39Michael, I couldn't agree with you more.
34:42This is the bar set, and any minute now, they'll be doing a comedy.
34:47Oh, yes, marvellous, marvellous. Could be the real thing.
34:53Perhaps we should pop through to the lounge for a quick one.
34:56Very good. Very good.
34:58Oh, there's Jack and Murray.
35:00Oh, there's Murray, yes.
35:02Jack and Murray.
35:04Hello, hello.
35:06Oh, Jack.
35:08That's Murray, actually.
35:09Murray, yes.
35:11You're the one that goes on and on and on.
35:13Gilpy, Gilgooey?
35:15Callum Gilgooey, that's right, yes.
35:17Yes, yes.
35:18We all know one of those, don't we?
35:22Comedy of observation, that's really the truth.
35:26Yes, yes.
35:27And, Frank, who do you play?
35:29Oh, just myself.
35:31Just myself, yes.
35:32Oh, well, some people say that's the harvesting of all.
35:44Well, thanks for a super show.
35:48Thanks for the money.
35:49LAUGHTER
35:51You know, the problem I find with comedy is
35:56I never know when to laugh.
35:58LAUGHTER
36:00Christ, I mean, they're just sworn in here.
36:04Microphone.
36:09And I'm jolly glad they do.
36:11LAUGHTER
36:12LAUGHTER
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