- 10 months ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Well, let her dance to them all night long
00:10Let her dance to our favorite songs
00:13Let her dance to them, let her dance all night long
00:18Let her dance, let her dance, let her dance, let her dance
00:30I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to be appearing on what is basically a children's TV channel looking like an old fucking tramp
00:51How you doing? How you doing Gigantoa? How you doing big man?
00:55Fucking hell, you've not just fought bigger men than me, you've shat bigger things than me
00:59How you doing big fella? You alright? It's a sinister fucking head you've got there
01:04The only way your picture's ever going to appear in the paper is above the caption
01:09Please suspect the real figure may be much higher
01:15Are these people with you? Or have they just been drawn into your orbit?
01:20How you doing man? What's your story?
01:23You've got very negative body language there and you just did a sort of shrug of
01:26I don't know what my story is
01:29To be honest Frankie, I only came to a couple of hours ago
01:32In a skip with no trousers
01:35Covered in certain different types of semen
01:39How you doing, are you his girlfriend?
01:40No
01:41No, I'm very deaf and I know that
01:44Do you know him?
01:45Yeah
01:46Outreach worker
01:47What's happened with the hair here?
01:50What?
01:52Really, again, I don't mean it to sound horrible
01:54But it's a bit like Boy George in a chemotherapy wig
01:56Sorry, there was no way that wasn't going to sound horrible
02:04It just...
02:06It sounded horrible because it was horrible
02:08That's been wrong there, hasn't it?
02:10Do you know that half the people in Britain who give Botox injections
02:15Aren't qualified in any way
02:18Now the people that have been victims of these guys are absolutely shocked and horrified
02:22Although you wouldn't know how to look at them
02:24I say women, if you don't want to have wrinkles, put on weight
02:28Put on a couple of stone, that'll take up the slack
02:30Why be a raisin when you could be a grape?
02:38What I'm into myself sexually is leather
02:40I say leather, I mean older women
02:45Britain's oldest woman to give birth, gave birth recently, she was 63
02:49I'm sure that was actually a magical moment
02:51I'd have loved to have been there when her dust broke
02:54Can't be easy getting up in the middle of the night, aged 63, to change a soiled nappy
03:03Especially now she's got a baby
03:08Still, it must be nice being able to breastfeed it without having to lift it out of the cot
03:15I couldn't have sex with someone that old because they might die
03:19They might die during sex
03:20And I don't know that I could trust myself to stop
03:32This Christmas, meet four children from Glasgow
03:38And join them in their discovery of a magic wee hing
03:44Welcome children
03:46What the fuck is that?
03:47Children, children, what do you ask of me?
03:51A Christmas wish?
03:52You do wishes
03:54Young sir, I do
03:56Name your heart's desire and with a sprinkle of moonbeams I shall make your fondest dream come true
04:02Make a next door neighbour have a black baby
04:05Well I've got money on Celtic for the cup
04:07Make rangers fucking blind
04:09Just do it you fucking wee dick
04:11Aaaaah
04:15Dead leg
04:16Aaaaah
04:18You shattered my hip
04:20Aaaaah
04:22Please no
04:23I could make your toys come to life for an evening
04:26No, shag this rabbit
04:28Aaaaah
04:30Aaaaah
04:32Aaaaah
04:34Aaaaah
04:35Aaaaah
04:36Aaaaah
04:37Aaaaah
04:38Aaaaah
04:39Aaaaah
04:40Aaaaah
04:41Aaaaah
04:42Aaaaah
04:43Aaaaah
04:44Aaaaah
04:45Aaaaah
04:46Aaaaah
04:47Aaaaah
04:48Aaaaah
04:49Aaaaah
04:50Aaaaah
04:51Aaaaah
04:52Aaaaah
04:53Aaaaah
04:54Aaaaah
04:55Aaaaah
04:56Aaaaah
04:57Aaaaah
04:58Aaaaah
04:59Aaaaah
05:00Aaaaah
05:01Just trying to make sure you're better.
05:03I bet my Christmas money you'll be able to fight off this dog.
05:08Jesus Christ!
05:10Let's get it!
05:14Get off me!
05:15No!
05:17My face!
05:18My face!
05:20This Christmas, experience the wonder of the magic wee hing.
05:25I'm making a movie called Black to the Future.
05:33Will Smith travels back to a high school prom in the 1950s where he serves drinks.
05:40He rapes the prom queen and in the process becomes the grandfather of Barack Obama.
05:47I'm also making Mission Impossible 4, a two-and-a-half-hour movie
05:52where we watch Tom Cruise try to fuck his own wife.
05:57Another project I'm very excited about is a movie that I'm making
06:00that's a biopic of the Manson family
06:03where Eddie Murphy plays all the roles.
06:06It's called Kill Pig, Die Pig, Dr. Dolittle 3.
06:13I must hurry or I'll be late for ballet class.
06:22Where's Miss Plussick?
06:25Oh, never mind what happened to me, children.
06:30We need to practice with Miss Seifel.
06:33Elena, let's take it from your part as a performance.
06:48Get the fucker!
06:50Oh my, I seem to be giving birth to hundreds of tiny blind babies.
06:58Hey, you're wearing that fur coat.
07:27It's not that fucking cold, so you are a show-off.
07:33How you doing? What do you do?
07:34I'm a fashion student.
07:36You're a fashion student?
07:37Let me tell you, you are not.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40Did you see Lady Gaga turning up at the MTV Awards
07:50in a dress made from meat?
07:52See that?
07:53She's got headlines all over the world.
07:54If Susan Boyle had done that,
07:56all she'd have got would have been a tranquiliser dart in the neck
07:59and a lifetime ban from the deli counter at Lidl.
08:04LAUGHTER
08:05You know what I love?
08:07I love the way Susan Boyle always says that she's never been kissed.
08:11On that evidence alone,
08:12Scotland's alcohol problems are not as bad as we thought.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16She's never been kissed, but she is Scottish.
08:19She will have been fingered on a school trip to Largs.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23LAUGHTER
08:23No kissing, just some really intense eye contact.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28LAUGHTER
08:29I went for four there for some reason.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:32LAUGHTER
08:32The bowler's grip.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:36Thumb in the belly button, the bowler's grip.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40I dreamed a dream!
08:42Fuck you!
08:43LAUGHTER
08:44I love the way they always go.
08:48Still a virgin, Susan Boyle.
08:50Still a virgin.
08:51Like, that's going to change at any point in the near future.
08:54She was the last woman on Earth.
08:56I'd use her as bait to trap a wild animal
08:58that I'd be happier fucking.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:01If I had a choice between seeing Susan Boyle naked
09:04and being gang-raped by squaddies,
09:06I'd buy the first round of WKD myself.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:10LAUGHTER
09:11Hi, I'm Chuck Wojcik.
09:24Yeah!
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27And this is my story.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31Come a long way, you know,
09:33for a guy whose first childhood memory
09:35is waking up in a sack with a house brick and some kittens.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40I'm just one of those guys, you know?
09:41Like all the old-time stunt guys.
09:43I guess I've always just been addicted to pain.
09:47But I could only ever feel it in my face.
09:51It's always hard to get started in the stunt game,
09:54but luckily, directors started to cotton on
09:57to my talent for playing corpses.
10:00Check that he's dead.
10:01I don't know.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:18Give him that bane it again.
10:28Currently, I'm working on the new Fantastic Four film,
10:47doing the human torch stuff.
10:49Apparently, liquid helium burns better than petrol.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:55It wasn't always this easy.
11:02My first big break was working on Jaws.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:06I know the movie scared a lot of people,
11:08but to me, it felt like I was getting a massage.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12None of my stuff actually made it into the movie.
11:17Spielberg preferred the takes he did with a haunch of lamb.
11:22There's a sound company that wants to employ me.
11:25Apparently, beating my body with pickaxe handles
11:27sounds exactly like footsteps in the snow.
11:30LAUGHTER
11:31LAUGHTER
11:33And you know the real secret to all this?
11:43In the stunt game,
11:44you better find yourself a real supportive partner.
11:47I was lucky enough to find a lady
11:50who didn't mind 20 years of spooning
11:52and who stuck by me through everything
11:54and given me four wonderful children.
11:57LAUGHTER
11:58And...
11:59Well, life couldn't be better.
12:03After a few more jobs,
12:04my face will be conditioned enough
12:06that I can double for Mickey Rourke.
12:08LAUGHTER
12:09And here on in,
12:10it's all gravy.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:13LAUGHTER
12:14I have mental health problems.
12:21There's a lot of stigma attached to mental health.
12:25A lot of people are unfairly stigmatised
12:27when their conditions allow them
12:28to lead perfectly normal lives.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33Who the fuck am I talking to?
12:37I mean, who the fuck?
12:38LAUGHTER
12:40LAUGHTER
12:42LAUGHTER
12:44LAUGHTER
12:46LAUGHTER
12:47LAUGHTER
12:48It's OK, sweetheart.
13:05We're just cuddling.
13:07Honey, we're just cuddling.
13:09They stole my fucking dildo.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13LAUGHTER
13:13For me, the luckiest guy in the world,
13:25Jack Tweed, Jade Goody's old boyfriend.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29Cos he presumably made some money
13:30out of selling his story.
13:32Got plenty of sympathy sex.
13:34Apparently consensual.
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36Doesn't have to bring up the kids.
13:38They're somebody else's kids.
13:40And because she died from cervical cancer,
13:43during the three weeks that they were married,
13:45she got thinner and better looking
13:46and her pussy got tighter.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50Before the cancer,
13:55she'll have had a fanny like a canoe.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58You wouldn't have known whether to finger her
14:01or get in and row her.
14:01LAUGHTER
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03I don't like to have been at that wedding ceremony, man.
14:09Till death do you part?
14:11Friday?
14:12Yeah, sure.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:12Heather Mills, she gets a hard time in the papers,
14:18don't she?
14:18I quite fancy her.
14:20I do, Mills.
14:21Do like shagging an evil pogo stick.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:24LAUGHTER
14:25Who cares about her leg?
14:28It's her face she'd be finishing on.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:31The person I feel sorry for in that story
14:35is Linda McCartney.
14:36Linda McCartney must be spinning
14:38in her hemp-weaved death basket.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:40LAUGHTER
14:41Stephen Hawking nearly died last year.
14:49Luckily, they sorted him out.
14:50They just switched him off and then on again.
14:51LAUGHTER
14:53Come out recently Hawking and said that God doesn't exist,
14:59something he's based on the fact that he's stuck in a wheelchair
15:01and Keith Chegwin can walk.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:03Tiger Woods got divorced,
15:08had to give his wife half of everything.
15:10What's she going to do with 6,000 Trojan condoms
15:13and a fake moustache?
15:15LAUGHTER
15:15Do you see that story of the tabloids we're going?
15:20That's about the paedophile bikini.
15:22It was a bikini on sale at Primark,
15:24aimed at kids,
15:24but it had a padded bra.
15:27Surely the last thing a paedophile wants to see is tits.
15:32What that bikini was was a paedophile deterrent.
15:35LAUGHTER
15:35And it should have been marketed as that.
15:38The bikini bottoms should have had fake pubes
15:40coming out of the sides.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:42There you go, wee Jenny.
15:45No-one's going to want to fuck you now.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:47I think you're a dwarf.
15:50What a hygiene problem.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52Do you enjoy Michael Jackson dying?
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59That was good, wasn't it?
16:01I think in the future when people say,
16:03what were you doing when Michael Jackson died,
16:05pretty much everybody will reply,
16:07I was texting a joke about Michael Jackson dying.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:11Even the guy that was reading it out on the news
16:13had a look in his eye like,
16:14I've got one.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:16This is going to be good.
16:19I have a theory,
16:20Michael Jackson developed the moonwalk
16:22so that he could move towards children
16:24while it looked like he was walking away.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27LAUGHTER
16:27We should have left you a note or something.
16:32Look, we made sure we washed it before we put it back.
16:36Look, it's just the principle of the thing, OK?
16:38You should have asked.
16:40You're right, we should have asked.
16:41I'm sorry.
16:42Does it matter?
16:44Clearly, it does matter.
16:45I mean, we wouldn't be having this conversation
16:48if it didn't matter.
16:49It's your dildo,
16:50and you have every right to be annoyed.
16:54Look, let's all just forget about it.
16:56It's a lovely day.
16:58Why don't we all go for a picnic?
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01It's a lovely idea.
17:02I'll go and get the dildo.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:06Professor, what's the Latin word for victory?
17:19Well, Julian, who better to ask than Julius Caesar?
17:22To me, group!
17:24Professor McEckin's young friends
17:25were among the luckiest teenagers in the world
17:28because the Professor could travel through time
17:31by wanking.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:34Gosh, ancient Rome.
17:36Won't we get lost again?
17:38No.
17:38I've made adjustments to the ball harness.
17:42Terence, you're twisting them too hard.
17:45They're too big.
17:46Lash them to the wheel!
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48LAUGHTER
17:49LAUGHTER
17:50LAUGHTER
17:52LAUGHTER
17:54LAUGHTER
17:56LAUGHTER
17:58LAUGHTER
18:00LAUGHTER
18:02LAUGHTER
18:04Careful, Terence.
18:11You nearly had us asking Latin vocabulary questions
18:14to Jack the Ripper.
18:15LAUGHTER
18:15LAUGHTER
18:17Behold!
18:23Ancient Rome.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:24Oh, no, Professor.
18:26We appear to have landed in prehistory.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:28Yes, er...
18:30Got a bit carried away there.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:31Quick, get us out of here!
18:36I'm trying!
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38Which is the very reason we went into the future,
18:40to give Terence that magnificent tit transplant.
18:42Terence!
18:43LAUGHTER
18:44To me, everybody!
18:46LAUGHTER
18:47Oh, gosh!
18:56We made it!
18:57Well, three of us.
18:59God only knows what those cavemen will have done to Terry and his magnificent tits.
19:03Oh, don't worry, Julian.
19:05In real terms, Terry's been dead for thousands of years!
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Join us next week for the Professor's final adventure.
19:17If only I could reach my hand.
19:19LAUGHTER
19:20Any last requests?
19:21I know this is going to sound odd, but...
19:25Could you take my cock out and wank it for me?
19:27LAUGHTER
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29Ah!
19:30Yes!
19:31That's given me a semi!
19:33Do it again!
19:34Ah!
19:35Ah!
19:36Professor!
19:37Professor!
19:38Professor!
19:39Oh, no!
19:40It's too late!
19:41Professor!
19:42Oh, no!
19:43It's too late!
19:44Professor!
19:45Oh, Professor!
19:46Oh, Professor!
19:47Oh, Professor!
19:48Oh, Professor!
19:49Oh!
19:50Oh, Jesus!
19:51Jesus Christ!
19:52What was the message in tonight's show?
19:54It was...
19:55Fuck Ireland!
19:56Now, I'm not saying that Ireland's a bad place, you understand, but...
19:57It's not the best country in the world.
20:00I got sucked off in a park in Denmark.
20:02Beat that, Ireland!
20:03But, you know, if you want to raise umbrage over what I've been saying, then I suggest
20:25you get yourself down to the dilapidated bowling alley that I spend every Thursday in
20:29playing the local homeless in one of the most stomach-churning games
20:32of strip poker you've ever seen in your life.
20:35Well, do it, and I'm going to show you heavy, father fucker.
20:47That's the one catchphrase we've got in the show.
20:50I'm going to show you heavy, father fucker.
20:53So we hope that catches on among little kids.
20:55The reason we say father fucker so much in this show
21:01is that you're not allowed to say mother fucker on TV,
21:03but no-one seems to have thought about father fucker.
21:08My favourite thing on TV is those anti-drinking adverts.
21:13It's always like a drunk woman staggering about,
21:15or a drunk woman falling over.
21:16I always watch those, and I think,
21:18that's right, there's drunk women out there.
21:21Better get my coat on.
21:22I always practice safe sex myself.
21:27What I do is I hang about outside an STD clinic
21:30and chat up women who come out looking relieved.
21:35My favourite story ever is the Michael Barrymore story,
21:39because it just keeps coming back.
21:40You know, every so often the papers,
21:42or sometimes the police,
21:43will come out and go,
21:44perhaps we'll never truly know
21:46what happened on that night.
21:49Well, a dead guy's turned up
21:52full of drugs and spunk.
21:53I reckon I could take a fucking guess at it.
21:57Oh, what could have possibly happened here?
22:01We've got a dead body
22:03with an arsehole like a vintage golf bag.
22:09Thanks very much.
22:11That's the end of the show.
22:11You can all go and fuck yourselves
22:13till the same time next week.
22:14Good night.
22:15Well, let her dance to them all that long
22:25Let her dance to our favorite songs
22:29Let her dance to them
22:31Let her dance all I've done
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