S3EP8 – Swipes and sparks: How millennials and Gen Z find love online in the digital age

Name: S3EP8 – Swipes and sparks: How millennials and Gen Z find love online in the digital age | Life & the City
Uploaded: 2026-08-17T09:55:58+00:00
Duration: 50 min 20 s
Channel: The Star

00:03more and more millennials and gen z are turning to dating apps to find romantic connections

00:10but have these apps really transform human connection for the better welcome to another

00:16episode of life and the city podcast i am your host farid wahab and today i am joined by my

00:21friends uh who will talk to us about their experience using dating apps thank you thank

00:28you guys for coming uh we have with with us today kalilul rahman am i pronouncing that correctly

00:33okay otherwise known as cal who is a book author and we also have one of our own our journalist

00:40ku jian teng my colleague uh more fondly known as matt thank you for joining us today matt i

00:47understand you're actually off today yeah thanks for having me all right so um dating apps it seems

00:52like a lot of millennials and gen z today are using dating apps i mean um more so than their

00:58um

00:59than uh the former generations previous generations so uh let's just jump into it uh let's maybe you

01:06can guys you guys can take turns to talk about this uh okay let's start with you first matt um

01:11let's

01:12talk about your experience what made you decide to try dating apps and when did you start i started

01:19like a couple months ago actually it all started like randomly with a friend of mine who just

01:25decided to just rent uh start using dating apps you know randomly just try it out and see how it

01:32goes

01:33and yeah from from there just slowly you know the start of it was like you know where do i

01:39even begin

01:40how do i even set up my profile kind of stuff so uh i started you know putting my hobbies

01:47down you

01:48a couple decent pictures i would say and then just went from there yeah how about you kyle

01:55uh traumatic experience okay do tell okay so basically like uh i've been missing at that point

02:02of time of signing up i was single for you know nearly 10 years uh and like you know france

02:09was like

02:10hey i won't worry about you but why don't you try on the dating apps and i said okay and

02:15it was during

02:15the pandemic so obviously it was at the start of the pandemic so obviously like everyone's like oh

02:20my god we're gonna be alone for the rest of our lives so obviously like i uh started you know

02:26the

02:27the yellow app and the blue app uh not the red app because i don't i feel this tacky um

02:32then has

02:34some really good experiences made some really good friends i think uh so far in terms like romantic

02:39uh affordability uh unfortunately i know not unfortunately i think ahamila like you know

02:45when you're not aligned it's best to either remain friends or uh acquaintances and so on so forth i

02:52think it's all about being respectful so yeah we have a lot to talk about and yeah that's how i

02:57started um i think the yellow app can testify that i've like deleted my account and reset my account

03:02like multiple times yes yes yeah so yeah i think that's it from my side as an intro la i'm

03:09guessing

03:09there were times when you felt like okay i'm done with this and then a few months down the line

03:13you

03:13know what i'm gonna give it another go yeah yeah i think that's how they draw it with you because

03:17again at my age of 34 at this point of recording a lot of my friends are married they have

03:22kids

03:22they have responsibilities you know they're traveling or whatever again so like at the same time

03:26point you kind of like i'm not saying that you're lost friends like people you know they they have

03:31their own journey you know and then thankfully uh like you know inside the the the the apps like

03:37you know make some really good friends you know we we still in contact and then to this day you

03:42know

03:42they went they asked me for like hey what what do why do guys think this way so they look

03:47at me as

03:48like a uh surrogate big brother for some reason okay uh so it's quite interesting okay so uh matt uh

03:55so

03:56when you first started using these apps uh did it match did they match what you expected or did you

04:02encounter any surprises um i mean when when you first start out there you get like preferences you

04:09know what what you look for so i just picked what i like you know hobbies what you like to

04:14do and

04:14whatnot leisure time so i uh most of my recommendations were up to my you know expectation you know uh

04:22and

04:22uh from there i just swiped and whatnot uh but yeah it met my expectations met some good people as

04:31well yeah a good few people some not so okay okay we're gonna talk more about that maybe we're gonna

04:38dive more into that later okay go on uh and yeah i i i chatted up some people and yeah

04:47we just

04:49basically made as friends nothing more than that because as you know myself i'm not good on texting

04:57or rather than you know face i i prefer meeting out face to face you know i better with like

05:03making contact uh in better conversation face to face rather than that text yeah so uh for me

05:10using those apps texting was not my strong suit no you know it's i i find it interesting

05:18that you bring this up because i think it's something that we need to talk about um i have

05:23a worry that the younger generation like people our age i mean of course you are nine years younger

05:28than me you're 25 i'm 34 but the younger generation have probably grown too comfortable with texting to

05:33the point where they might not be as comfortable speaking talking to someone in person like they have

05:40not developed these skills because they're more comfortable i don't know i don't know i just

05:43it's something that i've i've been thinking about you know randomly that they have maybe they have

05:47grown too comfortable texting you know um so they have not developed that like skills to be able to

05:55be like maybe people person or something yes yes yes so i i find it interesting that you that you

06:00brought that up because you know it's something that i've been thinking about how about you cal

06:03you said that because i think you it's definitely people by people maybe it's like you know some

06:09people like prefer to to to send texts and they like to consume texts yeah some people rather

06:15they have to have meetups or they they go on like first date or uh they will recommend their friends

06:20or whatever whatever yeah what my point is i think it's really down to the personality that you're

06:25looking for you know like for me like uh let's just say you want you want to have like uh

06:30hojicha latte

06:31for example you look for that hojicha latte you know uh and then like you you not say you not

06:37everything

06:37else you you do consider like other drinks or this and that but you're already kind of like set on

06:42that

06:43so i think they might what i'm trying to go to this point is that i think some people are

06:47just set

06:48in their expectations so maybe like with you you're more like comfortable yeah face to face like for me

06:54it's more of like texting because like for me because i'm coming from a generation where i write

06:58and read a lot so if someone reciprocated uh how i communicate i think i think i think the point

07:06i'm

07:06trying to go here is all about how do we use our communication tools you know kind of communication

07:11medium but we use it you know for like for you it's face to face for me it's like i

07:14want to text

07:15first i will be comfortable with this person first before we meet up yeah because like i think uh how

07:20we text and and verbally communicate is good is very different uh but if both like for me it's like

07:26if the partner the potential partner or even myself like can match it to one-to-one or near one

07:33-to-one

07:33i think you already get no sense of that person how that person communicate and i think when we

07:39look at like relationships and marriages that happened for the last maybe since the pandemic

07:43you know i think uh divorce rates has like gone up and i think it's all busted all goes back

07:49to

07:49communication with clarity issue yeah yeah we can go we can go into those a lot okay okay you mentioned

07:56something about you you want to get comfortable texting before you start meeting up okay people have

08:00disagreed on this question a lot but but i just want to know your opinion right um how long between

08:06the match and the first meetup like how long did you think it do you think it should take like

08:12some

08:12people say three days and then you should meet up some people say it's a week like where do you

08:15stand

08:16on this i think it depends on the on the ease of the person e-e-s-e-s of

08:21the person if that person

08:22has a career life be respectful i'm also have a career life as well so i hope that person respects

08:28me as

08:28well so if we somehow both are available on the following day why not why not jumpa uh you know

08:37just just just have like a pre-date coffee pre-date tea or this and that just like get to

08:41know each

08:42other a bit more you know spend about a million hour or two then from there on which you decide

08:46whether you want to take it to a first date or you just remain like it remains a friend

08:51so it's all depending on the ease e-a-s-e like it could take three days could take tonight

08:56it could

08:57take uh even it could take like six months later yeah you know so i think you should like i

09:03think i

09:03don't think we should rush things you know if you feel like this person is like uh like oh i

09:08need to

09:08like just like let's say at the same time trust your gut you got lah right right yeah trust your

09:14gut

09:14yeah trust your gut so like do you think dating apps have made people meeting people easier or

09:20just give given people more options um bit of column a and column b uh again it depends on the

09:29other personality of the person you know some people who have like ADHD they're like oh i need to

09:32really get a voice and voice and voice and voice and like some people who are like introverts they're

09:36like okay i need to be comfortable with that person you know you like that divergence is a thing

09:42so um so like it really like it really depends lah how about you matt but like let's say i

09:52mean

09:52it get it does get easier to know get to know someone but meeting them i wouldn't say so because

09:59people like when i match with someone uh they tend to go for text for like weeks or months first

10:10then they only like decide where they want to go with or they just leave it as it is and

10:15just

10:16move on yeah yeah yeah yeah peace and thank you and also in in in that context i think at

10:23the same

10:23time put my term like when you touch that person you already have a bit of imagination of like how

10:27that person sounds like yeah yeah yeah and one thing about my a lot of my matches is like oh

10:31my god

10:31your voice and how you text is like completely different you know i prefer your voice you know

10:38interesting you know this is something i've noticed is that when you uh match with someone

10:42online right yeah i don't know i don't know about you guys the conversation it always feels like

10:47you're trying to create something out of thin air yeah of course like i need to to try to find

10:53a

10:53topic to talk yeah as opposed to when you meet someone in person you see what they're wearing you

10:58see what they look like you see what they how they interact with other people so that already gives

11:03you plenty to talk about you know but when you meet someone or like you you you know nothing yeah

11:08then you know the small details they put in their bio that is if they put anything in their bio

11:12yeah correct most of the time i mean a lot of people don't you just have their photos to go

11:17to go by you know so you're trying to like and sometimes it takes a lot of mental effort to

11:23try to

11:23yeah to try to to to like uh create that that spark and something is just you just like it's

11:30too much effort and when you say it is it becomes the more you text and it eventually becomes like

11:36an interview rather than yeah yeah yeah like like tell us what you like tell us what you like yeah

11:42yeah it's like you know it's uh too like just before we we we came on guys i shared with

11:48you guys

11:49uh something that i just did uh this year actually so whenever i do have a match uh on iowa

11:55apps i

11:56actually ask the permission of the person first like hey i'm gonna share your template message i

12:01always share with my matches is it okay if i share with you and then like most of them be

12:05like yeah

12:05sure please please uh shoot and then i was like okay hi uh these are like my social media accounts

12:10if

12:10you want to uh see if i'm real or not uh these are my plans for the next for the

12:16remaining of my life

12:17you know i want to travel you know i don't want to have kids you know this and that

12:20uh the reason i want to do this is because like the reason i'm telling you this because i want

12:25to

12:25be respectful at your times and uh be responsible as well and then like uh at the end of sight

12:31okay

12:31if you want to like meet up for coffee or whatever it is and that it's totally up to you

12:34and then for

12:34me i'm in this like a driven attitude of like kalau jadi ahami lah kalau tak jadi pun ahami lah

12:40right then like most of the time they do like not most of the time like i would say that

12:45it's a good

12:45even 50 50 like or near even 50 50 like oh yeah sure like like thank you for telling me

12:50so when

12:51after you send a template you think they like whether they read it or not they ghost you after

12:55or no i mean like the one who who doesn't reply you know like uh maybe they get overwhelmed you

13:00know i don't blame them you know like uh at least at least they know where i stand you know

13:04but at

13:05same time we have to remember that we cannot be main character syndrome because they could have

13:08swiped someone else and maybe they're having a very great connection to the other person so maybe

13:13they want to go over that person it's totally up to to do their uh prerogitation like for me like

13:19uh the ones who do reply it means that they're showing the same effort that i'm putting in and

13:24like i mean lah so far like most of the way all like friends wow and and i mean like

13:29most like

13:29some of them already found their respective partners and i'm wishing them all the best you know

13:34and like uh which i'm like don't need to be vengeful anymore like just let go and like

13:42very happy for the other person that's very very mature but i don't think i it takes a lot of

13:48mistakes

13:48to reach this point so okay uh maybe let's let's let's uh let's talk about the frustration i'm sure

13:57you know you've you've been on it on a while i've been on them you you recently got uh begun

14:02using

14:03the frustrations you have when using dating apps yes the main thing ghostings very it's extremely

14:11prevalent i um i think so far i've matched not more than 10 i think but uh like like i

14:23said from

14:23before eventually it becomes like an interview type of conversation you know what you like what you don't

14:28go to and back eventually nothing happens the person eventually will just ghost but

14:35uh i don't i try not to ghost people but like texting uh so many people for me so many

14:45people

14:45all at the same time like oh eventually becomes a chore rather than something i want to yeah

14:51it is and for journalists like us we get a lot of messages every day and some like i said

14:57it takes

14:57a significant amount of mental energy to people think texting is easy i mean the act of typing is

15:03easy but thinking about what should i say next like how should i respond to it is it the right

15:08way you

15:08know it's the right way is this the right person i should you have so many different personalities

15:13for each person yeah yeah and you have to remember the detail yeah i mean maybe some people don't care

15:19i do you know maybe some people don't care but i do so people for people who do it can

15:24be a lot

15:24i mean just to end up maybe you talk about frustration from the outwards you know for me

15:32my frustration is inwards you know because maybe i put some expectations that this person

15:36because like how that person responded to me or how they shape up their profile whatever and then

15:41like you said this i set myself up to fail you know so much i'm like maybe during the early

15:46days

15:46you have a bit of an infatuation of like oh okay this person like match takes everything you know

15:52it's a hot take and like um but at the same time you learn to forgive yourself and and stand

15:59up for

15:59yourself a bit more so much time you that person that you match that person and i mean you're like

16:04oh my god like this person like likes me and like and i like her and like that and then

16:10like

16:10you you you over think and over imagine what like the possibility yeah yeah whatever again

16:14and then like i think that's my own internal frustration it's a really hot take and i could

16:19be like slotted for this i put some more to and tapi you know sometimes we have to look with

16:23through within first before macam like we and ourselves at the same time but i think about being

16:30comfortable with yourself i remember like uh these are the things that uh it's either you want it or

16:34you want people to see that you have it so i think some people like are dating in general

16:40there are people who wants a relationship but there are also some people who wants

16:45others to see that they are in a relationship

16:48being being in one for the sake of being in one yeah you know like you know you know obviously

16:53like

16:53for me the reason i'm still on that obviously i'm looking for love you know like um you know for

16:58my forever person you know sometimes you know but my point is like the you gotta know what you

17:08are comfortable with at the same time you do not want to morph into that person and that person

17:13to morph into you as well because like you shouldn't like um chameleon yourself into the ones and needs

17:20of that person and vice versa it should be like a again it's a partnership where both wants to grow

17:26together you know rather than this person like being uh uh like worshiping the other person and

17:33vice versa so that's not a really healthy thing to do like a like the obsession will be kind of

17:39yeah

17:39yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so much like you know you have to respect that person for having that person

17:44individually yeah yeah yeah you know like for me like uh you know we all learn through certain ways

17:50and through the hard ways and and so on so forth like you know i've i've made that i've made

17:53some

17:53mistakes as well you know be it on the uh dating app or not a person and then you you

17:59learn from it

18:00and then i remember asking this question to a few friends like what kind of mistakes that you have

18:03made that you have learned that manifested the next set of challenges or the next person

18:08and so on so forth in that i do believe in redemption as well but uh uh it depends on

18:13person to person

18:14like so uh to answer your question of like the frustration i think you have to learn about your

18:22own frustration first and then like set realistic expectations of where you want to go so your

18:28frustration is outwards i get it i really do like i was there uh and then over time you realize

18:34that

18:35frustration is actually from within because you're putting too much hopes and expectations to that

18:38to that person but that is not healthy well um i want to say something but i forgot it i'll

18:47come

18:47back to it i'll get back to it okay all right let's talk about ghosting uh good matt you you

18:52you

18:53mentioned ghosting a few times in your in your in your previous responses so like why do you think

18:57it's so common i think you um maybe people my age don't want to face confrontation too

19:08much you know being if it's done then it's done they're not gonna like just ignore they're just

19:13gonna ignore ignore ignore the problem you know and just leave it as it is and just uh uh just

19:20abandon it basically abandon the chat so that's that's why i think and i think most people just

19:26ghost is because they just lost interest and they don't want to talk to the person anymore

19:30so that's what i think i i wouldn't say i've ghosted anyone i might have but i'm not sure

19:40because for me like a couple months in i just got it was actually actually for me it's like super

19:48tiring to like just constantly you know swipe swipe swipe and all that so eventually i just removed the

19:54app so all my chats probably just disappeared yeah just disappeared probably so maybe it was the

20:02same as me they also got tired probably and just did it unintentionally that's that could yeah could

20:07also be a life gets in the way yeah yeah yeah i think it's i think it's like when it's

20:12someone you

20:12have never met it feels easier to just uh discontinue okay yeah that's feel like okay wash wash my hands

20:20yeah because you already have like nothing to lose anyway so if you've met in person say you know

20:25you were introduced by friends there's a lot more at stake yeah when you cut contact you know people

20:30will talk and you feel that you feel a certain amount of pressure that you know like i have some

20:36kind of not to say commitment but some kind of like ties to this yeah i can't just walk away

20:42you know

20:43but when you meet when you've you know this is just someone you know this is just a another

20:48profile on the app you feel like oh okay you know like it's easier to disconnect

20:54how about you carl what's your experience with ghosting for ghosting i do apologize to anyone

20:59out there who's suddenly like oh my god i swung this guy but you never saw something in the past

21:02or whatever i do apologize yeah just in case they are watching this you might leave a comment and say

21:06you ghosted me yeah i do deeply apologize just reach out to me on instagram brother carl and you can

21:11bring another conversation yeah you're right life gets in the way uh but also another thing that i also

21:18have done with recent times you know if if the combination goes dry after a certain amount of

21:23time actually i do have another template message like hey uh i don't know where i've been talking for

21:28a while uh it's not to reignite it's actually to say all the best you know for me it's like

21:34uh

21:34probably that person has another vested interest elsewhere and for me you know you just want to wish that

21:40person all the best you know which i'm like uh pray that person finds happiness or if someone

21:46yes it's not with you you know but at the same time there's a reason why we are guided uh

21:53you know to to to pass by all these people and like maybe like they could take some lessons from

21:58from

21:58what i did you know so much like so for me it's like try to leave the next person try

22:04to leave

22:05anyone better off when you when you first met when you found them like kind of like that guy tell

22:11us

22:11so so all right so another thing about online about dating apps is that you tend to look at their

22:19profiles okay you tend to look at their photos your hobbies and all the things they have listed and

22:23and there are also apps which allow you to filter what you want so do you think this has changed

22:29what young people you know millennials and genesis come to expect from relationships

22:34interesting uh i think for that one uh again everyone has their references for me i do not

22:41want to have kids it's just overpopulation you know i'd rather adopt a kid that's like seven

22:46years old and not finished and like you know sort of like a foster family or whatever you know and

22:52that's just me and but some people won't have kids so that's why like i think the facility helps

22:57because like you you avoid potential heartbreaks you know in in in many respects at um

23:06at the same time it goes back to to the top of the show like it's all about being respectful

23:10and responsible of the other person's life okay what about you man preferences do help i mean

23:17it's your preference so like for me it's actually not so deep like you you know having kids and all

23:25that because you know i'm still just 25 i don't know what what's gonna happen or whatever so for me

23:31i

23:31just usually i just look at their profile and i just uh if i'm interested i just swipe if like

23:37what

23:37from what you said before if it's just blank um i usually just don't don't swipe at all or i

23:45just uh

23:46just leave it because i really don't i have to know what i'm getting into before you know actually

23:53trying to commit yeah you know this actually ties back my next question actually ties back to our

23:59previous discussion um there's this perception that people are always looking for someone better or

24:06someone a better option is always around the corner you know you might meet someone you kind

24:10of like but then you feel like you know what that there are thousands others profiles on you i can

24:15just get someone better that that might you know uh incentivize people to ghost when they feel like

24:22okay um you know instead of putting with the work to try to really get to know this person

24:27the moment that the first inconvenience comes up they say okay i'm gonna move on to the next do you

24:33think there's truth to that uh a bit of column a column b like for me like like i said

24:38earlier it's

24:39all about ease you know when you when you match with a person be it on the app or you

24:44miss some

24:44other coffee shops you want to if there's a feeling of ease in your gut in your heart i think

24:50that there shouldn't be any issue but if there's like a certain thing that's like like preventing you

24:54to do it of course motor then obviously that's the reason why it's all about your your your instincts

24:59you've got but eventually you have to like if something does come up you have to like make

25:03some effort to you know yeah yeah you can't just like oh something came something came something

25:08happened something that i don't like you should just move to the next person yeah yeah like like

25:13like like like can mention like it goes back to our like uh you know for you're 34 and then

25:18like

25:19you're 25 you know there are some some relationships a friend in terms of friendships or even professional

25:24that you met like 15 years ago then suddenly you became best friends or you work with that person

25:29or whatever so i think it's all about not saying leaving a good impression but uh leaving a machem

25:36a particular legacy not legacy lah like i would say like uh machem oh this person is actually kind

25:42you know like genuinely kind you know like and then like 10 years later you jumpa balik maybe you you

25:48come in that person you don't know or maybe you become best friends like for example back in high

25:52school i was i was there for five years i never spoken to this one particular uh now one of

25:59my

25:59closest friends in high school and then like after high school we became really like really really

26:02close friends a lot by high school friends like how did school like became friends like best yeah it

26:07can just be like out of random sometimes yeah you know like what i'm trying to go go back to

26:12that

26:12point is that like you you don't know where life takes you philosophy speaking but at the same time

26:18mental like uh come in with kindness and actually kindness i think i think that's the approach uh

26:25i i usually go for like in both you know the dating app and i was saying in life

26:31so the reason i asked a question you know are people always you know always on the lookout for

26:37something better you know regardless of what better might actually mean in this case

26:41is because you know in in my in my experience i mean in my opinion you know relationships take take

26:47time or at least take some kind of effort you know i mean i mean uh ignoring the fact that

26:52you know at

26:52this point when you just match you can barely be called a relationship yeah yeah yeah but i do know

26:58people who like match and or in real life and also on apps like three months later you get married

27:03and

27:03like like they have they're on like their second kid you know sometimes you don't know if something

27:08yeah it happens it just happens yeah because all human connections you know be it romantic you know

27:14friendship whatever kinds of relationships they will come a point where it hits a phase where

27:18there's not much going on the excitement is is gone and then when you come into that phase you feel

27:24like okay maybe i'm just gonna swipe swipe and keep swiping and you know find find the next the next

27:29the next hit of dopamine what the for me the platter is the best part uh yeah you know

27:36for me if you if you are able to be quiet with someone uh for a long period of time

27:42i think that's

27:42a really good match yeah that that for me that probably happens once you've met that person outside

27:48yeah yeah no no no we are still on the app yeah yeah fair enough fair enough like for me

27:53my age i think

27:53people because they want more excitement you know uh with that they will just like what you said the

28:01dopamine hit you know like a video game you know gacha or whatever they just keep going going and hope

28:07for a better hit yeah i think i think uh some because i i actually follow a number of licensed

28:13therapists online you know uh and i think the term they use is intentionality meaning does someone come

28:20into the picture with an intention does someone come into the picture with like like what you said

28:25you know i have this this is what i'm looking for you know you come in with an intention rather

28:29than

28:29someone coming with someone looking for attention rather than intention you know like i i'm on this

28:36app because i'm looking for something great something permanent rather than someone going there i'm just

28:41gonna i'm just here for a couple for a quick you know for a quick uh high for some fun

28:45yeah that's it

28:46i'm not looking for anything you know anything particular so intention versus attention yeah yeah

28:52it's either you want it or you want people to see you have it yeah right i want to ask

28:57uh i want to

28:58view view of topic a little bit uh let's talk about catfishing you know it's uh catfishing by the way

29:04is um

29:05how do i explain this you know it's for when someone pretends to be someone else or they use someone

29:09else's picture maybe someone more attractive to try to connect with people they wouldn't have otherwise

29:14been able to connect with uh have you experienced something like this have you been catfish uh yes

29:19and uh a bit of economy and economy meaning like catfish yes you know that person that's actually

29:25doesn't exist and also another one is just being stood up you know because we agreed to meet up at

29:31this place and whatever and when that person doesn't show up without any like uh uh which i'm

29:36following up or whatever so that kind of thing uh yeah it's sad but you know but at that point

29:42of

29:42time obviously you're like ah i mean well then you you you have you realize that you have quiet

29:48contemplation to say okay why did this happen to me was i too naive was i too gullible too gullible

29:54or whatever and i think it's fine you know you you learn a lesson you move not say you move

29:58on you

29:58learn a lesson you you apply what you've learned then you move forward how about you matt what's your

30:04experience with catfishing uh didn't not experience any of it thank goodness okay uh but

30:13i wouldn't say cat catfishing i don't know if it's like very prevalent in the apps but uh since you

30:23said what but you you never yeah you you got stood up but you never got like the clarification the

30:29on

30:29on whether that person doesn't exist or not yeah never got that that that is my definition of catfishing

30:34but i've never experienced that but i hope it doesn't happen to anyone else yeah it's because

30:40it it is a complete waste of time yeah you you spend so much effort you know for the do

30:45uh

30:46spending time with some talking to someone just for them to not exist or want to be someone else yeah

30:52and also because of surgical you are for it and matt uh with the rise of ai

30:57yes yes and i do fear for the future of this like loneliness epidemic really i think um a lot

31:05of our

31:06news reports tend to uh center around scams meaning people who transfer money to someone's account you

31:14know like uh like uh like what they call it romance scams yeah but there's another kind of scam which

31:20you

31:20know these people are not looking for money they're just looking for connection you know they're

31:26probably you know not you know they probably don't fulfill the conventional beauty standards and

31:32therefore they don't feel like they could get certain kinds of attention from certain types of

31:36people so they create you know accounts using someone else's picture and they don't they don't have

31:41any malicious intent other than they just want to get to know you they just want to talk to you

31:44because

31:44they know or at least they think without this fake profile they wouldn't have you wouldn't have

31:49given them the time of day you know and then you know and uh you know romance is the one

31:55part in our

31:56life where we i think in my opinion we are allowed to discriminate you know you can't discriminate people

32:00based on their look based on their age how they look in in in say employment but in this you

32:06can you

32:07know it's it's the person you're going to be spending the next yeah it's the person you're looking to

32:11spend the next 40 50 50 years uh with next so you are allowed to discriminate that way um another

32:18thing i want to ask like if they think i mean if dating apps will just suddenly disappear tomorrow

32:23how would our generation connect you know we are so used to it yeah so how would we find romantic

32:30partners back to the good old days i agree i think uh this works we need more public spaces yeah

32:39yeah

32:39i think public spaces like parks and park yeah recreation places are the place for connection you

32:45know like uh you know i've i've known people who actually met at parks and they basically ended up

32:51together for the rest of our lives and public spaces you know so like even like uh i but correct

32:58you

32:58my you guys are journalists you guys can correct me if i'm wrong but the recent new york city mayor

33:03just like created a lot of like public spaces events for people to meet and have connections you

33:08know be it friends or romantic or whatever but i think that's the role of like public spaces uh to

33:14have i think uh dating apps basically is like their digital third space uh you know we always talk about

33:21the third space we have our home that's our first space our workplace our second space and the third

33:26space is space that we hang out really part of which we do and on social media we also have

33:30that

33:30this space you know we look you know we have our primary social media account and we have the

33:36secondary social media account that we uh platform sorry not account platform that we go to

33:41then our third one which is usually the edited dating apps or the language apps or whatever like it

33:48yeah like sorry like what you said from like social uh recreational or social spaces like even if

33:55you can just go find people of the same interest as you you know go like you said uh dating

34:00dating apps

34:01could be the third platform you can go back to your second platform first platform just look up like

34:05uh groups of you know those people the same interest as you but regardless you know sports or

34:11whatever yeah then you can just join a group real quick and then you know have a hangout you might

34:16you might meet someone better there yeah actually um i listened to i mean i i read this one i

34:22can't

34:22remember whether i read it or i watched it but this one licensed therapist based in the uk or us

34:27and

34:27he he suggested the same thing you know he said maybe join a book club or maybe join a hiking

34:33club

34:33he said at least you'll be meeting people at the space where you both already shared that gives you

34:41a starting point to talk about you know and and when you like again it goes back to what i

34:45said

34:45earlier you know when you meet someone in person there's a there's another element to it yeah

34:50you already know what to what to uh how to approach or what yes what to expect you already know

34:55what

34:56this person is like how the he or she interacts with other people you know rather than on the apps

35:00because people always try to present the best side of themselves on the apps and you may not get a

35:05you know a clear pitch a full picture of what this person is like um actually before uh prior to

35:11the

35:11start of this prior to i mean a couple of days ago i actually reached out to a number of

35:15my uh

35:16women friends to try to get them on the podcast but unfortunately many of them were a bit shy a

35:21bit

35:21camera shy uh but i managed to get one of them i i feel like because as uh as men

35:27we may have a

35:30experience yeah back to women i feel like women have slightly different experience than using dating apps

35:35so i managed to get one person one one of my friends alisa she's 25 uh so i got her

35:41to share

35:41what her experience was like so he said or she said it was a mix of good and bad experience

35:48and she

35:49said some of her friends women friends experienced body shaming from men okay and um she said that yes

35:57she did have some good chemistry but again she also got ghosted a couple times even from people she thought

36:04she had great chemistry with so um her advice is that um people that you saw on the apps may

36:11not

36:12always be genuine they may um tell you what you want to hear but in the end they are not

36:17actually what

36:18you thought they were correct so again it goes back to the what i said earlier frustration from within

36:23you know you set yourself up similar to at the same time like i pray all the best to not

36:29only her but

36:30uh all all the women who who are seeking genuine connections you know i wish them all the best uh

36:37at the same time you know yeah body shaming yeah i've seen you can experience that before

36:43care to share with the scout it was quite surprising you know we had a really good connection uh not

36:47connection no we we had a good ease you know of like you know talking on on on the app

36:52opposite

36:52more to this and that and then suddenly like obviously we followed each other on social media and and

36:56whatever and then when i started gaining a bit of weight and obviously in my channel oh

37:01i was like oh what do you mean like yeah you know put on a few kilos but and then

37:07literally the

37:08conversation just like tailspin and like um which um you know obviously we all gain weight differently

37:16like some people uh despite uh taking only 1500 calories a day but you know still are you still like

37:23growing because of the stress and or results and this and the end and it's a bit with some

37:29sideline and that the connection kind of like tailspin elsewhere uh and for me must at that time too

37:36like obviously like down you know i remember sit down you look at the same time like okay it

37:42maybe it's uh it's a motivation for me to to get my health back together so so so i look

37:48at it as

37:49something else but you know saying certain phrases of words didn't help her and la oh and i wish i

37:57would not disclose but listen it was quite hurtful i mean like it was it was quite hurtful where until

38:02i even even saw my friends were like you okay i haven't seen you in a while it is and

38:07then obviously

38:08there are some some of those cases but uh go back to your friend alicia um yeah yeah yeah point

38:19you know same thing as well makes experience some people you know they they they uh lead you on yeah

38:25you know i think i think that's something where we should people should stop leading people on

38:32if they unintentionally did it i think if you were to like uh call out on them i think they

38:38would they

38:38would uh you know some people some some people just don't do it out of maliciously yeah that is

38:43right let's get in the way but people who do it out of intentions manipulation of a smoothing then

38:48they should be called out i think i think uh not not to discredit your experience but i do feel

38:53like

38:53sometimes people people are not malicious in that they're not trying they're not purposely trying to

38:59mislead you is that they get caught up in the moment they enjoyed it too much before they realize

39:03hey you know what i'm into it and i'm not really into this person as i thought i was correct

39:09um i think

39:11there's a whole lot of conversation on on threads you know on on on threads on on on other platforms

39:17people talking about this thing avoidant people talking about this thing i think you've heard it

39:21avoidant uh what what's the other one um insecure or something i can't remember what it's called

39:27but uh that's that would be a whole another topic uh that that we cannot cover in the span of

39:32this this episode how about you man any any any experience like that uh body shaming body shaming

39:38uh myself uh not really i mean looking yeah yeah uh uh but let's but body shaming of women i'm

39:52i

39:53don't know man maybe they felt insulted that uh the guys felt insulted or something or they were just

39:59trolling i'm not very sure i can't assume but for women i think it's a lot harder because i know

40:06a few

40:06friends like compared to me i only get like uh less than 10 uh matches but for women they can

40:15get up to tens even a hundred times more uh likes than what guys normally get so okay yeah so

40:23that

40:23there's a lot of you know guys just swiping out there that's but i think it's for women it's a

40:30lot

40:30more difficult you know to manage all of that and to actually you know find the one i i i

40:36do know

40:36some that actually found someone after a while but you know it takes time yeah and a lot of patience

40:44yeah for me when i when i wear swipe last you know you know uh you know over time you

40:51i build the empathy

40:52of like i really hope that this person finds she's what she's looking for i genuinely do because like

40:58we're all on the app for for more most most of us are on the app for the same purpose

41:03you know connection

41:03you know i want to go on a find for our forever person so i did like there was a

41:07few times you

41:08looking at swipes you know i was like you know i really like the occasionally i do like i really

41:13wish

41:13that i really hope and pray that this person finds that person you know i think it comes down to

41:18how secure you are in your skin because i've met people i mean not met people i have friends who

41:24you know i they asked me to look at their profiles and they use pitches from 10 years ago back

41:28when

41:28they were 15 kilograms lighter not not to body shame i'm sorry but but you know people get insecure

41:35they feel like okay if i was put to put this picture you know i i probably wouldn't probably i

41:40put it

41:40probably instead of 10 i'd probably get five matches or not matches at all some of them use excessive

41:46amount of filter okay you know because and and to share my own experience i've been on dates where

41:51you know the person i met did not look anything like the pitch or at least maybe that picture was

41:55have been what was taken like 15 years ago maybe where they look completely different than they are

42:00now so immediately i felt like okay i felt cheated i felt like this is not what i signed up

42:06for

42:06you know so um naturally that's the physical aspect but what about the mental aspect you know like

42:12uh in terms of like the photo of like the person being uh more happy or more more light in

42:19the in

42:19in in in the photo and then like when you meet a person when this person might be different in

42:24terms of like heaviness in the head heaviness in the head and heaviness in the heart so it's

42:29upon another thing that we have to be honest with us about it yeah we can be honest with ourselves

42:34but

42:35at the same time like um the potential of us being in a mentally good space is still there you

42:43know

42:43which i'm like um for me i i posted photos of my time traveling you know because that's what that's

42:50what i enjoy uh is it false manipulation each to their own you know but that's the time where i

42:57was

42:57then really happy and like the reason why i post photos of travel because like you know uh i like

43:03i like to

43:03have an adventure and i would like you to be part of the adventure yeah you want to showcase uh

43:07the

43:08prominent parts of your life yeah yeah you know i'm not saying highlights it's more of like uh more

43:14of like like these are the the trailers yeah yeah these are the trailers to the series

43:22you can't possibly show everything about your life on the app you have limited space there's some

43:26a lot of apps have only allow certain number of photos to be featured right okay um advice you would

43:33give to anyone thinking about trying your apps don't set your expectations too high

43:40okay try to elaborate uh i mean you can go in but you know don't expect to find the one

43:48you know

43:48after like a few swipes or you know within a few days it's not gonna be possible unless you get

43:55like super lucky and you actually find you know the one you really connect with yeah uh for me like

44:01i used it for a month did not get anyone but uh you know still trying hunting somewhere out there

44:10you know but you know hopefully one day uh but you know don't don't go in you know just to

44:18hopefully you find random you know dopamine hits yeah

44:23kind of fan of for me uh two things i think number one is enter with kindness and i used

44:29it with

44:29kindness um and also um where you do make uh have an ease of yourself yes yes have an ease

44:40of yourself

44:40you know don't take it too seriously a personal to it and you that person and you and that person

44:45have

44:45a really good gut feeling of like oh this can can can something whatever get or is that something could

44:51be

44:51friendship or relationship there's a good way of it you know maybe uh because like uh sorry for

44:58adding more further context like in in my social circles like i'm like the the the oddball out who's

45:04still single everyone's married having kids and great careers and whatever again and then they look

45:10at me like how are you okay and i said okay like like generally yes it'd be great to have

45:16someone

45:17uh but at the same time you gotta get it go inwards first before you go outwards so i'm like

45:23you guys

45:23want to like go into the dating apps and just like try it out if you were to make mistakes

45:29acknowledge

45:29the mistakes and uh you know like like apologize to the person if you felt that you've heard the

45:37person and you know um just just continue on to be kind you know um yeah be be curious not

45:46judgmental

45:46if i can uh if i could offer my own advice you know i know i'm i'm the host

45:53i mean i myself and i have not been lucky to find uh what my one person yet but i

45:59just want to share

46:00this something that i read a couple of couple of months ago about you know we are all looking for

46:05the

46:05perfect person so um with the apps it's easy to think okay i find this person you know he or

46:12she

46:12is very attractive um you know uh is doing a good job you know i mean he's um employed i

46:20mean has a

46:20good good job you know pays well very handsome very attractive very beautiful uh very stylish all of

46:27this criteria that you might want in a partner and you think oh that's perfect but the one criteria

46:32that people often miss is that a perfect person is the person who chooses you yeah you know it can

46:38this person can tick all the boxes but if she doesn't choose you then it's not perfect you know

46:43if this if it's someone you have to chase you have to keep texting you have to keep reminding her

46:47yeah i sent you this text yes last night have you seen it have you read it are you are

46:51you are you

46:51going to go out with me this weekend if you have to do all that much work i mean not

46:54to say that

46:55relationships don't take work all kinds of relationships romantically not take work

46:58but if it's that difficult then maybe this person is not perfect for you and there's not

47:04and there's no such thing as right person wrong time like people say yeah you know if the right

47:10person will come to see you at the right time no i'm not hopefully i don't sound like like a

47:14therapist

47:15because i'm not a therapist so take my advice you know with a with a grain of what was it

47:19with a grain

47:20of salt or whatever the saying is it's just my advice you know the perfect person is the person who

47:26chooses you so i'm gonna close this podcast very soon but before we go i just you guys have any

47:30any

47:30final thoughts to share with our listeners sure few but i won't think i'll try the best to not take

47:37long um you know relationships yeah we're all human beings love no but some no uh life life happens and

47:46you know you want to you know keep your social mobility of of of energy keep going i think like

47:53needing access help you know you meet new people uh you create new friendships and then possibly into

47:58a relationship obviously more this and that but itulah like with the whole like how uh cool the world

48:05can be again like just just be a light in in in someone when you match you know and like

48:12at the same

48:13temperature like you know trying to understand also life because life life is also gets in the way

48:19you get a lot but i do also you know this is quite paradoxical i uh um it's um you

48:27know sometimes

48:27like you can be on the dating apps at the same time just go out a few times you know

48:33something like go to

48:34your state spaces and you know uh you know live life a little live life a little yeah yeah yeah

48:40don't look

48:41for someone to complete it complete your life and then yeah if you have extra space welcome someone into it

48:47exactly exactly yeah that's that's it for me i think go on i'm off it so yeah yeah man anything

48:53you want to say you know your your 25 your wisdom share it with us now i think he'll cover

48:58pretty

48:59much everything he's the most mature one yeah having templates and all or i'm pretty sure someone who

49:05i've pissed off in the past i don't know this guy i'm gonna dox this guy and before that person

49:12does it i just want to invite that person uh yeah confront me confront me privately yeah fine we can

49:19we can we can we can meet up at the coffee shops more too and just confront me head on

49:22yeah fine

49:23cal don't don't dox him in the comment section please don't do that i'm i'm usually at a coffee

49:29so you can remind me there all right this has been a a fun fun topic i'm sure there's a

49:34lot more we

49:35can talk about but you know we don't have that much time otherwise it would be a phd thesis uh

49:39but

49:40anyway uh i i hope this uh has sparked some talking points among our listeners if you have anything else

49:46to add please feel free to leave your comments in the comment section i would be happy to see what

49:51you have to say about this episode um the life and this city podcast can be viewed on our youtube

49:56channel at the star online or www.thestar.com.my slash metro i hope you enjoy this episode bye

50:13oh really

S3EP8 – Swipes and sparks: How millennials and Gen Z find love online in the digital age | Life & the City

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