00:00hello hi it's really nice to have you here I'm really grateful to be here it's
00:04just the kind of environment I always dreamed of exactly exactly this is not
00:08what I can do every day no it's not even what I can I mean I can't do this every
00:12day yeah I can barely do it right now
00:30yeah what I like about the look you're going for is that like I feel like
00:33there's this glamour in like when you look at like a Tennessee Williams play
00:37where like the woman who has psychological illness is always like
00:40in a fur laid out on a chaise whereas in reality exactly a woman with mental
00:45illness or a woman struggling with her psychological well-being is often like in
00:48sweats and like a t-shirt that used to belong to her dad that's like covered in
00:52food oh and I like the idea of like almost like fetishizing and exactly
00:56glamorous all that exact experience because I just feel like the last 20
01:03years of my life would have been so much better if every time I was having a
01:06panic attack or like an episode of serious dissociative anxiety I had been
01:10in like a house a beautiful house coat and like curlers and not like a shirt
01:16that had a picture of my old pet rabbit yeah like like someone else's underpants
01:20yes well underpants are a huge issue for me like managing that in my life and
01:26it's like I've come to accept it as just even part of a healthy life for me like
01:29it's not just a sign of the depression it's like it's like I never have them I
01:33don't do laundry okay I mean and I don't have someone else do it either yeah I
01:36buy new packs or order them from Amazon Prime I get it in under an hour I pay the
01:43extra even though it would come in three hours
01:48I've always been anxious but I haven't been the kind of anxious that makes you
01:50like run 10 miles a day and like like make a lot of calls in your blackberry I'm
01:54kind of anxious that makes you be like I'm not going to be able to come out
01:56tonight tomorrow night or maybe for the next 67 nights to to to shut down and
02:01like yeah and rock my image whenever something really bad happens or even not
02:07that bad yeah stressful is I imagine going home and face planting into a bath
02:11mat oh doesn't that sound nice and every one of the best places to hang out yeah and
02:16I start my day basically feast planting in the bathroom every day to get out of
02:24bed okay the bargain I make to get out of bed is not to start the day that's
02:28obviously way too big you know what I mean or yeah doesn't sound good nothing
02:31sounds good welcome in the day you know that kind of thing no no so instead I I
02:36want to go from the dark the darkness and the warmth of and the okay of sleep and I
02:40go all right what I'm going to recreate that somewhere else so I go to the
02:45bathroom shower and faucet okay hot as possible lights off then I get the coffee
02:52okay bring it in close the door then the cats come in they like knock at the door
02:56so I let him in with a little cold air and okay yeah it's dark my eyes are closed
03:01okay and I'm getting coffee in the only difference is that I'm seated I guess
03:07right and you're hot there's steam going in the yes yes because there's a
03:10coldness to the morning even if it's not cold there's yeah of course the
03:14depression or sort of chill there's something about being really close to
03:18discomfort and lightly shielded from it that's almost better than being way far
03:22away from even discomfort in order to fall asleep I have to do some coziness
03:30visualization yeah I have a big one which like I'm not proud of which is that
03:32like that I've gone to do this is like like I just need when this is edited it
03:39has to include that I understand the amount of like self-glorification delusion
03:43about how the world works etc that's involved in this but like I have this one
03:48where like I've gone to of kind of dangerous country to like educate people
03:52on like birth control or something yes okay and I'm kidnapped because they don't
03:58believe in what I'm teaching and I'm kidnapped with two of my friends or
04:01something and then once I'm kidnapped I have to be I'm kidnapped and I want to
04:07save us and so I trick the guy who's kidnapping us into like letting me like
04:12I'm like I need to go to the bathroom yeah like walk me out and to an outhouse
04:16and I run away and get someone who helps come save my friends and then like
04:22they did for Lisa Ling sister Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton come on a plane to
04:26get us oh my god and then they're like you were so brave you should rest before
04:31we get back to the US that backstory sets up the joy of joy of the plane ride you
04:36need that you see this is where Bill and Hillary Clinton are both safely at the
04:40front just like reading the newspaper being like we're so glad the girls are
04:43safe it's a quiet like even quietly talking yeah like just like they're
04:46keeping it down for you yeah like just like respectfully and like yeah they're
04:51like we can't imagine how tired you are oh my god they're like we wouldn't dream
04:54of this is the more adult yeah this is more adult version of my old fantasy that
04:59somebody would tell me to sleep for 24 hours and wake me up only to force me to
05:02bowl of pasta I think what we're talking about here is a feeling that we
05:08desperately want to be cozy and that coziness isn't like there's not enough in
05:12real life to contain us yes I always want to be like metaphorically and you
05:17know in a restaurant like up against the wall yeah it's against an edge
05:22sometimes I wonder if people have like a real crippling like clinical anxiety yeah
05:26are like likes of course some of them have a logical worries but sometimes I
05:30wonder for like more to like I always felt like I was like more tuned in like I
05:34thought about dying all the time and everyone be like don't think about that
05:36I'd be like but why shouldn't I think about that because we're all gonna die so in a
05:40way what you're classifying as obsessive clinical disease is me recognizing
05:44what's actually going on absolutely and you like just like happily flitting
05:48around like your Bambi yes a huge value I think in my family and I think you know
05:53like you were saying in yours is this thing that was hammered into me which was
05:57you know there's no danger in your thoughts it's all that happens is is you
06:03know your actions and and if you get freaked out about your thoughts that's you
06:08know an anxiety cycle and I've always felt that it's sort of us widening the
06:14border you know into these far reaches go to the darkest place possible and
06:18kind of set up the fence really far so that when you're depressed those kinds
06:22of thoughts you're thinking are are so close to home you haven't even ventured
06:26anywhere near the edges of your property yeah and that's a great comfort it's
06:31really cozy I remember once hearing Elizabeth Gilbert be like the reason that I
06:36like antidepressants is because like you can get really depressed but not really
06:40depressed God yes and I was like that's great it's like the difference between
06:44like falling that falling down on the ground and falling out the bottom of the
06:47earth
06:54this has been how to weep in public check out the other episodes thank you guys for
06:59uh huh you know sin was this sort of a thing you know what I mean so thank you
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