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00:00He did not sleep that night. The chair he pulled up to my bed was leather and too small. He
00:05folded himself into it anyway. He held my left hand inside both of his and watched the heart monitor as
00:11if it might lie if he looked away. Sometime around 3 a.m., I pretended to be asleep just to
00:17see what he would do. He stood up. He walked to the window. He looked out at the East River
00:22for 10 minutes. He turned back. He stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise and
00:27fall, counting, with the precision.
00:30of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac. Then he came back to the chair. He
00:34leaned in. He pressed his lips, very lightly, to the inside of my wrist where the ivy line went in.
00:40He whispered into my skin.
00:56I am sorry I did not come sooner.
01:01When?
01:05You were awake.
01:07Sooner when, Damien?
01:14Eight years ago.
01:16When?
01:17The night you came home from grad school for the holiday.
01:20You laughed at something Preston said about a sample I had never heard of.
01:23I went home and painted 700 Nassaville on a wall
01:28and decided I would wait.
01:31I should have come for you that night.
01:34Damien.
01:36I would have, if I had known how it would end.
01:40He looked at the signet on my fourth finger.
01:43I bought this a long time ago.
01:46This ring?
01:48This ring.
01:50For me?
01:51For the day I stopped waiting.
01:55I waited far longer than I should have.
01:58I am not waiting an hour longer than I have to.
02:01Damien.
02:02Hmm.
02:04What are you telling me?
02:06He met my eyes.
02:12I am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise.
02:15When you walk out of this hospital, you walk into my house.
02:24And you do not walk out of it again unless I am holding the door.
02:31The next person who tries to take you from me will spend the rest of his life regretting it.
02:50Faster.
02:52Good.
03:01Discharge day, Damien did not let a nurse touch me.
03:04He sent the wheelchair away.
03:06He sent the orderly away.
03:07He scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my shoulders and carried
03:12me,
03:12slowly, the length of the corridor to the elevator.
03:15I had walked.
03:16By then.
03:17The length of that corridor on my own three times.
03:20I did not need to be carried.
03:22I did not object.
03:24The elevator opened in the underground garage.
03:26A black idled.
03:28He set me down only long enough to open the door.
03:30And then he lifted me again into the back seat as if the act of placing me there himself was
03:34something he could not delegate.
03:35Garcia, in the front passenger seat, did not turn around.
03:39The pulled out.
03:40Damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown.
03:54I bought the building.
03:56Which building?
03:58My building.
03:59I own the penthouse.
04:00I bought the rest of it last month.
04:01All of it?
04:02All of it.
04:04Why?
04:06I did not want strangers across a wall from you.
04:11Damien.
04:16The other residents have been compensated above market.
04:19They had 90 days to relocate.
04:21The last unit cleared on Friday.
04:23The building is empty except for the staff I vetted.
04:26And the floor I am going to put your father on if he wants it.
04:29My father has a house.
04:31He has a house.
04:32He may also have the eighth floor.
04:35Damien, you are being excessive.
04:39I am told I am being excessive.
04:43He brought my hand to his mouth.
04:45Tell me to stop.
04:46I am not telling you to stop.
04:49I can't bear to.
04:52But pulled into the garage.
04:57He carried me into the elevator.
04:59The doors opened directly into his foyer, into the wall of painted narcissists, and he set me down in front
05:04of it.
05:11look look i looked a second wall opposite the first had been painted in my absence
05:18cause the shapes of ice cores 37 of them one for every site i had drilled in seven years
05:25labeled in white paint in my own handwriting which had been copied line for line from
05:30photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen i could not speak
05:41i commissioned it in march the artist worked from your notebooks i had the originals returned from
05:46the federal evidence locker on a temporary basis they are now back in the locker damien the paintings
05:54are yours welcome home sloan the first week in his apartment i learned how he had been loving me for
05:59a long time i learned it in small pieces the way a person learns the contents of a house they
06:04have
06:04moved into without a tour a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had ever published even the
06:09undergraduate ones even the conference posters bound in matching cloth and arranged in chronological
06:14order a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread hand copied from her handwriting
06:19onto a card he had laminated a folder in his study kept in a drawer he did not lock contained
06:25years of
06:25photographs of me clipped from family christmas cards and university newsletters and the society pages i
06:32found the folder on the sixth day i did not tell him i had found it i sat on the
06:36floor of his study
06:37and turned through the photographs in order and at the back of the folder i found a single envelope
06:41sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated a long time ago i almost opened it i did not
06:47i left it
06:48where it was that night at dinner i asked him the letter in the back of the folder he set
06:53his fork down
06:53he did not pretend to misunderstand you found it what is it it is what i would have said to
07:00you
07:01that night if i had come for you instead of painting the wall you kept it i kept everything
07:08damien i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone number on when you were 11 i have kept the
07:12wrapper
07:12of the chocolate you split with me at your sister's christensen i have kept the program of every recital
07:16your mother dragged us to i have kept the cockscrew you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner
07:20i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when you came back from iceland the year you turned 23
07:25and asked if i would pick you up from jf because your boyfriend had forgotten
07:30he met my eyes i have kept all of it because i had to keep something i set my fork
07:34down too
07:35how many marriages did your mother arrange for you three you refused all three i refused all three
07:44for me sloan everything i have ever refused i refused for you his mother came on tuesday
07:51she had not in the seven years i dated preston sent me so much as a holiday card she came
07:57now with a
07:58bouquet of pale pink peonies and a smile that did not reach her eyes and she sat across from me
08:03in
08:03damien's living room with the careful posture of a woman conducting a negotiation she expected to win
08:08damien stood by the window he did not sit he did not greet his mother sloan and dear i came
08:14to
08:14welcome you mrs crane i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming the hospital the press my
08:19son's enthusiasm his enthusiasm he has always been intense particularly about the things he has wanted
08:25for a long time i wonder if you have considered my dear whether intensity about this stage in your
08:30recovery is perhaps what you need by the window damien turned he did not raise his voice mother
08:35damien you have 10 seconds to walk out of this apartment
08:41damien i am only eight seconds you will not speak to me six seconds the peonies untouched on the coffee
08:50table trembled with the vibration of the elevator returning to the foyer she rose she gathered her
08:56coat she looked at me with the same smile pulled tight across her face my dear when this novelty passes
09:02two seconds she left the elevator doors closed damien did not move for a long moment then he
09:07crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting he took both my hands sloan
09:14damien my mother will not be in this apartment again damien she's your mother my mother spent a
09:18long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard enough she introduced me to 14 women whose
09:22family's my last name she told my father at one point that i was an embarrassment to the family for
09:26refusing to marry she does not get to walk in here now and call you a novelty there is no
09:30version of
09:31this where you are second to anyone sloan not my mother not the company not the past he pressed
09:38my knuckles to his mouth not for the rest of my life he visited preston in prison on a wednesday
09:45i did
09:45not know he had gone until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island and poured
09:50himself a glass of whiskey and told me i went to see marsh today damien i had to why i
09:59wanted him to see
10:00my face he turned the glass in his fingers he has been telling himself since the hearing that what
10:05happened to him was the system that the audit broke him that the federal prosecutor broke him
10:10that the press broke him i wanted him to know it was a man what did you say to him
10:17i sat across a steel table from a 14 minutes i didn't speak for the first 10 he waited he
10:22was the
10:22one who broke he asked me what i wanted i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he
10:27had done
10:27that he had touched a woman i had loved for a long time that he had taken seven years of
10:31her life and
10:32gambled them on a press release that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her family would
10:37clean it up i told him that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to understand
10:40was that there had never been a moment in all the time he had known her when she was unprotected
10:44i told him that he was alive only because you had asked me not to make a different decision
10:48he drank he cried damien i did not enjoy it did you not he set down the glass i enjoyed
10:58every
10:58second of it i'm not going to pretend otherwise i sat across from a man who had hurt you and
11:02i
11:02watched him understand for the first time that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a
11:07much larger one he came around the island he stopped in front of me he cupped the back of my
11:12neck
11:12the way he had cupped my skull in the tent that is what i am sloan with respect to you
11:17i am the much
11:19larger animal i will be that animal for the rest of your life for any person who looks at you
11:23sideways
11:24i am not going to pretend to be a different one tell me you understand i understand he pressed his
11:30forehead to mine good reagan called the apartment on a thursday she had been told by every lawyer
11:38involved not to the no contact clause was in effect she called anyway through the main line of crane
11:43industries asking to be put through to me by name the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia
11:49garcia forwarded it to damien damien answered on speaker in front of me at the kitchen island
11:54miss snow master crane i am calling because you are calling because your book deal collapsed your
12:03father's foundation has been quietly delisted from three donor circles in the last six weeks
12:08your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement your apartment lease is not being renewed and you
12:13have correctly disduced that all of this is connected silence it is connected mr crane i would
12:20like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow the reason your life is currently coming apart is not
12:25because i am vindictive i am perfectly capable of vindictiveness i have not yet been vindictive with you
12:31the reason your life is coming apart is because the woman whose career you tried to take
12:35whose data you stole and whose recording i played in front of you in a tent at minus 31
12:39asked me three months ago to leave you alone i have honored that request
12:46i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it
12:51it turns out there are a great number of those people they are removing you on their own from the
12:56rooms they control the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloan's
13:00the donor coordinator at your father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago your
13:04fiance's mother has been on the board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011
13:09they are not retaliating the snow they are simply choosing
13:12mr crane please i am not the one you should be asking miss snow he ended the call he set
13:18down the
13:18phone he looked at me she will call again she will eventually call you she might i would like
13:25permission when she does to make a small adjustment to her circumstances what adjustment a federal
13:30investigation currently dormant into the source of the wire that funded her origi greywit internship
13:35damien i will only act if you tell me to i looked at him for a long moment i did
13:40not tell him to
13:41i also did not tell him not to he read my face he nodded once he poured me a cup
13:46of tea
13:47the nights were the hardest i had not in seven years with preston slept poorly i had slept on his
13:53couches and in his tents and across his shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way a person
13:58who believed in the structure of her life slept the structure was gone now the nights showed it
14:03i did not tell damien he noticed anyway he noticed on the fourth night when he came up to bring
14:09me a
14:09book i had asked for and found me sitting on the couch by the south windows with the lights off
14:14he set the book down he sat next to me he did not ask he simply pulled me carefully against
14:21his
14:21shoulder and we sat that way until the city lights began to thin toward dawn on the fifth night he
14:26came up at 10 on the sixth night he came up at nine on the seventh night he stayed he
14:32did not ask
14:33permission he came up with a small leather bag and a book and the smallest most contained smile i had
14:38ever seen on his face and he said sloan i am gonna sleep in the second bedroom the door will
14:44be open
14:44if you need me you say my name you do not have to get up you do not have to
14:48ring a bell you say my
14:49name and i will be in the room in under three seconds damien i am not asking for anything
14:58i know i am telling you that for the rest of your life if you say my name in the
15:02dark
15:03i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he went into the second bedroom he left
15:09the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to the sounds of him
15:14in the next room
15:15the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft rustle of a turn page at
15:1911 30 the
15:21page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest i got up i crossed the hallway
15:26i
15:27stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal pullover and
15:31reading glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he had been waiting a
15:37long time to
15:37sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left both doors open i slept
15:42the whole night
15:43through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks earlier in the way a
15:48person
15:49tells a story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a wish into a paper crane
15:53and
15:54put it in a jar on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to get well my
15:58mother had not
15:59gotten well i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time he had simply nodded he led
16:05me to
16:05the library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three stories of bookshelves a leather
16:11sofa his piano against the back wall had been filled since i had last been in it the day before
16:16with paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from the ceiling on threads of clear nylon
16:21in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter narcissus i stopped in the doorway
16:26one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we were children i kept count he
16:34stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i started after the year your
16:39mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for you i started folding i
16:43folded
16:43one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my underground years i lost
16:47track i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the apartment downstairs while
16:55you were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes the paper was thin and cool
17:00the crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i had used at nine he had
17:06been folding
17:06cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the wishes he looked at me
17:14that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would grow up to do the
17:18work you
17:18wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would eventually see me that
17:27is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a single crane from a thread above
17:32his
17:32head he held it out to me i would like you to fold the last one i took the crane
17:36it was a half fold the
17:37paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready i am ready i folded the last crane the wish
17:46i
17:46folded inside it was that i had not taken so long to see him i hung it on the empty
17:51thread he held me
17:52in the doorway of the library for a long time
17:57i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
18:02kiss i
18:03was allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at
18:08the
18:08piano playing the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next
18:13to him on
18:13the bench i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under
18:19his chin i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a
18:25small
18:25sound not a word something quieter a sound i had never heard him make in all the time i had
18:30known
18:30him and his hand came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had
18:34moved without
18:34thinking he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every
18:39night
18:40for a long time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady
18:45his eyes had
18:46gone very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a very
18:55long
18:56time i have loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who
19:00was not me i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved
19:04you while
19:04you wrote thank you notes addressed to him on stationary i paid for i have loved you while you
19:08called me at midnight to ask which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved you in
19:12every shape a man can love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide any of
19:18it from this minute
19:18forward damien i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i love
19:32you
19:32damien he pressed his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed then he
19:38picked me up off the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library past
19:43the wall of narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me into
19:48the
19:48bedroom he set me slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of me
19:53he took both my
19:54hands i am not going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i die
19:58he looked
19:59up at me but i would like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in the library
20:05down the
20:05hall turned slowly on their threads in the draft from the open window yes
20:13damien yes he did not let me go to alaska alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not
20:19come
20:19he had said it himself in the kitchen that the right answer for my career was yes and the right
20:24answer for his heart was no and that he would not be the one who decided which side of the
20:28snow line i
20:29slept on he had meant it he had also the same night he meant it started building a contingency
20:35i found out about the contingency on the morning of april second he came into the breakfast room
20:40with a folder under his arm and set it down next to my coffee sloney
20:45crane industries has launched a polar research division
20:50when
20:53last week
20:55damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage
20:59it is funding three independent scientific teams across the rongel and saint elia ranges
21:03the director of the division is a 58 year old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally
21:08approved at 3 a.m on a sunday the director reports to a vice president of strategic operations damien
21:13the vice president of strategic operations will be working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish
21:18range from april 15th through the close of the field season damien the vice president of strategic
21:23operations me i close the folder you are not coming with me to the field as my boyfriend i am
21:28not
21:28coming with you to the field as your boyfriend you are coming with me to the field as the vice
21:32president of a polar research resension you invented in the last three weeks with cover that will hold
21:38up to any audit damien i will sleep in a separate module i will not interfere with your team i
21:44will not
21:44be on your your radio frequency i will however be 300 yards away every night you are in the field
21:49you did not have to do this i had to do this why he sat down across from me he
21:57took my left hand he
21:58looked at the signet ring he had slid onto it the night of the surgery and never asked back because
22:03the
22:03last time you went to that mountain without me you came home with a hole in your chest i am
22:08not living
22:08through that twice i can take care of myself i know you can i am asking please for the rest
22:15of my life
22:16to never have to find out again i looked at him for a long moment i had spent seven years
22:20asking a
22:20man to follow me to airports i now had a man who would follow me to ice all right he
22:25brought my hand
22:26to his mouth thank you we landed in anchorage on april 15th he had flown commercial three days ahead
22:34of me to maintain the cover he met me at the airport in a crane industries parka with a name
22:39tag that said d
22:40crane vp strategic ops and a face so neutral that even i almost believed it he shook my
22:46hand at the gate he did not kiss me he carried my carry on to the suv in the suv
22:51with the doors
22:51closed and the windows tinted he took my face in both hands and kissed me as if he had not
22:56seen
22:56me in a year three days was too long damien i am revising the cover i will be sleeping in
23:04your module
23:05that defeats the cover i do not care damien three days sloane he kissed me again the cover for the
23:14record held the cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out the second briggs
23:20who had transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it out before we even
23:25landed nobody said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched me work damien did not
23:31hide that he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when i came back from the
23:35day's
23:35transects with snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with a towel he
23:39had warmed by the
23:40stove the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night in the operations
23:46module after damien had stepped out to take a call sloane i have seen a lot of men love a
23:53lot of women
23:53i have never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only currency he has
23:59ever wanted
24:00i did not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came back in he sat
24:05down next
24:06to me he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking he glanced at the medical chart
24:10on my clipboard
24:11frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just walked in from the field that
24:17is not
24:17field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at you tonight the medic looked at me that
24:22night
24:23the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not apologize for asking in the third week i learned
24:30about the foundations i learned about them by accident the way i had learned about the wall of
24:34narcissus and the box of cranes and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published he did not
24:40volunteer the information i found it by following a thread the thread was a small thank you note from
24:46a graduate student in cape town that arrived at base camp by satellite mail the student had received
24:51a stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had given a keynote four years
24:56earlier the note was effusive it thanked me for the body of work and the foundation for the stipend
25:01i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation i looked it up polar atlas foundation had given
25:06approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in small individual stipends to
25:11graduate students in glaciology climate science and polar geophysics the recipient list was a precise
25:18map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential connection to mine the foundation's
25:23board was three people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc behind the foundation through
25:28three jurisdictions it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the same pattern
25:33northern light trust ice and salt initiative the one thousand nine hundred and sixty two foundation
25:39named i realized for the year of the lock at the lake house the whitfield adjacent fellowship together
25:46they had quietly dispersed about 11 million dollars to young scientists in fields adjacent to mine
25:51i confronted him about it that night in our module he did not deny it damien i funded your students
25:59i do not have students you will i funded the field you were going to lead
26:10damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground sloan for a long time i built the foundation
26:16network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
26:20in when you
26:21were ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in
26:25the discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i
26:29did not trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight
26:33for
26:33what should have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you
26:38have
26:38not been holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloan i am not willing to hold up
26:43from
26:43underneath in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed he
26:49brought it up only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite system
26:54a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off the medevac in
27:00february the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad the caption
27:05beneath the photo was a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan snow suggesting that
27:11i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with preston
27:15damien read it to me at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite tablet
27:20he picked up his coffee he took a slow sip
27:26sclone damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave her alone damien she violated the no contact clause
27:33when she planted the quote that is now her problem not mine the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit
27:38she will be charged with the underlying fraud on monday the federal investigation into her
27:42undergraduate funding will be opened on tuesday i would like to do one additional thing he looked
27:47at me i would like to release the recording the full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call
27:52from the wrangle command tent had been used in the ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full
27:57audio had never been made public the two-minute clip the press had covered had only contained the part
28:02about the journal the remaining 90 seconds contained the part where she had called me stupid for
28:06thinking money could buy a man the part where she had described in detail the strategy of waiting
28:12for me to humiliate myself into walking away the part where she had laughed release it he did not
28:18blink all of it all of it to the same outlet that ran the tabloid quote to the same outlet
28:24he took out
28:25his satellite phone he made one call the call lasted four minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight
28:32it had been picked up by every major outlet that had covered the original audit by the next morning
28:37the tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it by the end of the week the publishing house that
28:42had originally pulled reagan's book deal had publicly announced that it had also voided her advance
28:46contract for any future work reagan's snow did not surface in public again damien did not say anything
28:52about it he did not have to he had told me weeks ago that there had never been a moment
28:57in our entire
28:58acquaintance when i was unprotected i was beginning finally to understand exactly what that had meant
29:04i drilled whitfield one the same day the recording went live we had not planned the timing the team
29:09had simply gotten to the site in the rotation and the weather had cooperated and briggs had said
29:14that morning today is your day damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to be on any other field
29:20site with me he had stayed within his cover he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder
29:25on the morning of whitfield one he did not ask permission he came he carried the equipment up
29:30the ridge himself even though briggs had two team members ready to do it he stood 10 feet away while
29:36i drilled he did not speak i drilled i logged the call i labeled it i stood up i turned
29:41to look at him
29:42he was watching me the way he had watched me come off the medevac at teeterborough a year before
29:46not breathing not blinking counting with his thumb pressed unconsciously to the inside of his own wrist
29:52where he had once pressed it to mine damien i am all right i know
30:02this is the spot i know this is where i called you this is where you called me he took
30:08a step
30:08closer he looked down at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been
30:12he looked at the lee of the outcrop where the wolves had moved through then he knelt he did not
30:17cry he
30:17pressed his palm flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed
30:21there for a
30:22long moment when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you
30:27something
30:27ask i would like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary
30:32for the
30:32rest of our lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me that
30:37is the day
30:38i want to keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right briggs 20 feet away
30:45very
30:46politely turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes when
30:51we walked back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say anything about
30:56that
30:56either we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that he wanted to be
31:02the one
31:02who drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he said most things now calmly with
31:07the
31:07assumption that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from teeterboro at 6am on a
31:13tuesday in late spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had changed the wall of
31:18cause the one he had commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus opposite was
31:24the same the piano was the same the library three rooms down was the same the bedroom had changed he
31:30had moved his things in his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading
31:35chair his book on the bedside table on what had become in the last two months his side sloan
31:42damien i am not asking permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was the first full
31:48unmanaged smile i had ever seen on his face he set my carry-on down by the door he picked
31:53me up i have
31:54had a small panic every day for six weeks that you would change your mind on the plane i did
31:59not change
31:59my mind i know that now damien put me down no i can walk i know he carried me through
32:07the foyer past the
32:08wall of cause into the bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the bed he knelt in
32:13front
32:13of me he took both my hands he looked up at me for a long moment i would like to
32:18ask you the question
32:19i told you i was going to ask you in the winter damien it is may i cannot wait until
32:24the winter it's
32:25may sloan he reached into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did not place it on
32:31the piano
32:32this time he opened it inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was a ring it was not
32:38the kind of
32:38ring i would have expected not from him not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in
32:43manhattan and chosen any stone in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold set into it
32:49almost flush was a single pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the stone i knew the
32:56stone because it had been in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day she died the locket
33:01my
33:01father had been keeping in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years damien i asked
33:07your father
33:07six months ago damien he gave it to me with both hands damien sloney whitfield damien i will say it
33:18twice if i have to say it i have loved you for a very long time i built a life
33:25with one room in it the
33:26room had no furniture and no light and one chair facing the door i sat in the chair year after
33:31year
33:32i sat in it through three engagements i refused i sat in it through your seven years with another man
33:37i sat in it through the night your mother died and the night you graduated and the night i painted
33:41the
33:41wall i sat in it on the afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska i have not been
33:47in that room
33:48since the day i picked you up off the floor of that tent the room is gone now sloane the
33:52whole
33:53house is yours marry me i had thought for months that when this moment came i would say something
34:00simple i had thought i would say yes i had thought i would say yes because the word was small
34:05and
34:05complete and did not need any of the surrounding architecture instead i sat on the edge of his bed
34:10in his apartment in front of the wall of cause he had commissioned for me holding my mother's yellow
34:14sapphire on its brushed gold band and i started to cry i had not cried since the helicopter i cried
34:20now
34:21he did not move he did not say a word he let me cry after a long time i said
34:26it yes he closed his
34:29eyes once he opened them say it again yes again yes damien yes he slid the ring onto my fourth
34:40finger
34:40above the signet he had given me in the hospital the brushed gold was warm the yellow sapphire caught
34:46the morning light coming in off the east river he stayed kneeling he pressed his forehead to my knees
34:51i bent forward i rested my forehead against the crown of his head we stayed like that in the bedroom
34:56in his apartment for a long time after a while he stood up he picked me up off the edge
35:01of the bed
35:02he did not this time set me down anywhere he carried me to the south windows he stood there
35:07holding me looking out at the city mrs crane damien i am rehearsing rehearse it once more
35:17mrs crane yes damien he smiled into my hair he did not put me down for the rest of the
35:23morning
35:24we were married in november he gave me in the months between the kind of wedding that a man who
35:29has been planning a wedding in his head for a long time gives a woman who has been allowing herself
35:33to
35:33imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding i had thought he would want a large
35:38one
35:39he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not he picked the lake house he picked a
35:44saturday in late november when the first snow was due he picked the porch he invited my father three of
35:50his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate cohort co-investigators the cold weather medic the
35:57surgeon who had patched my lung and the national science foundation chair that was the entire guest list
36:02his mother was not invited she wrote him a letter the week before the wedding he returned it unopened
36:07he did not tell me he had returned it garcia mentioned it in passing on the morning of the
36:12wedding the way she mentioned most logistical details i asked him about it that afternoon in
36:17the bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned his cuff he did not look up damien she asked two
36:24months ago if she could attend and i told her she would be welcome the day she apologized to you
36:31she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother she had 30 years to be my mother
36:41she used
36:42that time to try to take you from me i am not paying her interest on a debt she did
36:45not service
36:46he buttoned the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you she may come to dinner
36:51until then she may live with what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie slowly with both
36:56hands damien i love you he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one after the other
37:05mrs crane not yet in 43 minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he kissed me on
37:11the forehead
37:12he turned me toward the door your father is waiting downstairs all right sclone walk slowly why because
37:19the next time you walk through a door toward me you are mine i would like to remember every second
37:22of it
37:23he cried at the ceremony i had not expected him to i had not thought it possible he had been
37:28for the
37:29entirety of the time i had known him a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral a wedding
37:34a court ruling
37:35or a press conference he had stood at his father's gravesite and not shed a tear he cried on the
37:40porch
37:40of the lake house on a saturday in november when he saw me come around the corner of the house
37:44in my
37:45mother's dress my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at him i looked damien was standing at
37:52the
37:52end of the porch in front of the open front door the brass lock the lock that had held since
37:57the
37:57house was built was just behind him his hands were clasped in front of him his eyes were closed
38:02tears were moving slowly down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened his eyes when i was three
38:08steps away he smiled it was the smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to use
38:12it
38:13my father set my hand into his damien sir she is yours sir she always was dad smiled he took
38:23his
38:23seat in the front row the officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents in the same
38:28spot long ago said a few words he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love
38:33that has been quietly held he spoke briefly about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when
38:39he
38:39was a young man then he said damien your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien crane
38:47i have loved you for a very long time i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it everything
38:51i
38:51learned about you that nobody else knew the way you held your fork the way you closed a door so
38:55it did
38:56not click the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you
39:00took an
39:01exam i do not need the notebook anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it
39:06for our
39:06daughter i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced i vow
39:11to
39:11defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly immediately and without negotiation i
39:16vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow to come
39:19home for
39:20dinner every night for the rest of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let you walk out
39:25of
39:25a room without telling you first that i love you that is what i have for you sloan the rest
39:29is yours to
39:30ask i said my vows i do not remember them i remember only that when the officiant said you may
39:35kiss
39:35the bride damien did not move quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my face the way he had cupped
39:40it the day he came up off the floor of the tent in rainbow he kissed me the first snow
39:45began on cue
39:46behind him we did not have a reception we had dinner 12 of us around a long wooden table in
39:53the dining
39:53room of the lake house with two of my cousins and my father and garcia and briggs and finn and
39:58the medic
39:58and the surgeon and the national science foundation chair who had brought his wife the food was simple
40:03the wine was old the conversation moved the way conversations at lake houses move in slow loops
40:09that did not need anywhere to go after dinner damien played the piano he played the eight
40:14notes my mother used to hum he played the second eight notes he had written for me alone in his
40:18apartment while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one he played a third set of eight
40:23notes i had never heard he stopped after the third set he turned to me that one i wrote this
40:28morning
40:29when this morning 4am damien i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage
40:38damien i have already started counting around midnight the guests went to bed in the guest rooms
40:43upstairs damien took my hand he led me out the front door onto the porch and down the gravel drive
40:49to
40:49the boat house at the edge of the lake the boat house was lit with a single lamp he had
40:53had it
40:53cleaned he had had a single chair placed inside it by the window facing the water he had hung and
40:59i
40:59almost laughed when i saw it every single one of the thousand cranes from the apartment library
41:03they hung from the ceiling of the boat house in soft drifts of pale yellow and the lamp lit them
41:08from below he stood with me in the doorway sloan damien this is the last thing the last thing every
41:15other thing i have done over all this time i have done quietly i have folded a rain i have
41:19painted a
41:19wall i have learned a piece of music i've bought a building i've built a foundation network i've
41:23refused a marriage i did all of it quietly because you were not yet mine this is the last thing
41:27i do
41:28quietly he turned me to face him from tomorrow i do everything loudly i bring you flowers in front of
41:32every restaurant i hold your hand at every board meeting i introduce you at every event in this city
41:36as my wife for the rest of my life tell me you understand i understand sloan welcome home
41:44he cupped my face in both hands he kissed me slowly the way he had kissed me on the porch
41:50and behind him the thousand cranes turned slowly in the draft i had spent seven years thinking my
41:55life was a story about being seen by the wrong man it had been all along a story about being
42:01held up
42:01from underneath by the right one the right one was holding me now in a boat house at the edge
42:06of a
42:06lake at midnight in november in front of 1000 paper wishes he had folded for me before he was 30
42:11years old
42:12the wish i had folded into the last crane months ago had been that i had not taken so long
42:17to see him
42:18the wish i made now standing in the doorway was that i would have a lifetime more the end
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