- 10 hours ago
Whispers of the Soul: The Last Gaze 25eps HD ASM
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00My husband is a world-renowned scientist.
00:03For 18 years of marriage, his eyes have been only on his work.
00:08He once set a rule.
00:09When he is doing experiments or attending conferences,
00:13nothing concerning me is allowed to disturb him.
00:15So later, when I died on the operating table from late-stage cancer,
00:20I didn't dare disturb him either.
00:28I don't think I make a good partner.
00:30Love will never be my priority.
00:33My time belongs to science, and only to science.
00:36After the program aired, the public was full of praise for Adrian's dedication to academic pursuits.
00:41But no one knows that his wife, that is, I, has stomach cancer.
00:46Terminal stage.
00:47The day Adrian flew to London to accept his award was my last days in this world.
00:51In the hospital bed, pale and gaunt, I slowly closed my eyes.
00:56Meanwhile, on the other side, my husband Adrian is on stage,
01:00giving an award acceptance speech, as thunder's applause erupts from the audience.
01:04This morning, before he left, I forced myself to hold up.
01:07And as always, I nagged him about countless trivial reminders.
01:11Adrian, I heard that some kind of cold front is going to affect the temperature in London.
01:16I packed you an extra coat.
01:18The gum is in the left pocket of your backpack.
01:20Your ears always act up on flights. Chew a piece, it helps.
01:23Hmm.
01:26Don't stay up too late.
01:27Hasn't your heart been bothering you lately?
01:30Get some sleep.
01:31Polar Continental Air Mass.
01:33He cut me off mid-sentence.
01:34I looked up slowly and met his eyes.
01:36Clear and unmoved.
01:37Nearly middle-aged, and yet the years had left no mark on him.
01:40He was still so handsome.
01:42Of course, that aloofness in him, present since his youth, still stabs at my heart.
01:47He was correcting my first sentence.
01:49It wasn't some kind of cold front.
01:51It was a polar continental air mass.
01:53I just want to use the last bit of time to take good care of him.
01:56Got it.
01:58Safe travels, Adrian.
02:00He turned around and walked past me.
02:02On his way out, he reminded me that if you have nothing to do this afternoon, shouldn't
02:06watch soup operas, read something more valuable.
02:08I dropped my eyes.
02:10He thought I was free this afternoon.
02:12But actually, I also have a meeting.
02:15My pre-surgery meeting.
02:17The surgeon had told me the procedure had a 20% chance of success.
02:21He told me the stomach cancer had gone undetected too late.
02:25The cells had spread throughout my body.
02:28I'm a bit confused.
02:29There's no cancer gene in my family.
02:31So why did I get stomach cancer?
02:34Sometimes, stomach issues can stem from prolonged emotional distress.
02:38I sat in the hospital corridor for the rest of the afternoon.
02:41On the TV mounted in the corner, scientists' interview was playing.
02:45The segment from a few days ago, the one Adrian had been invited to film.
02:49I'm not built for romance.
02:51On TV, his eyes were cold, as if he wasn't interested in anything outside the laboratory.
02:56I don't understand it.
02:58My wife, to me, is more about responsibility than anything else.
03:02Celebrate anniversaries?
03:04That's just a formality.
03:05I'd rather run another experiment than waste time on that.
03:08That sounded like Adrian.
03:10He didn't even observe his own birthday, let alone mine.
03:14When I was younger, I used to pester him about it, hinting that he should bring a nice box of
03:19cakes.
03:20But I never got a single piece.
03:22His mind could hold reams of data, but it couldn't be bothered to hold four digits, the date I was
03:28born.
03:28Eventually, I stopped waiting.
03:31I'd sit at the table by myself, light the candles on a birthday cake, and celebration by myself.
03:37Adrian was like a barren tree that never bore blossoms.
03:40It took me over 20 years to finally admit that.
03:43For some reason, after I died, I became a transparent ghost, able to drift around everywhere.
03:50I followed the surgeon out of the operating room and saw him shake his head at my son, Lucas.
03:55Lucas was slumped over my hospital bed, crying.
03:58He had been waiting outside since noon, all the way until evening, but his mother never opened her eyes again.
04:04He cried so hard.
04:05I hovered beside him in a panic, but he couldn't see me.
04:08I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him, to shush him the way I used to when he
04:13was small.
04:13Lucas, don't be afraid.
04:16Mommy is right here with you.
04:18Lucas had worked so hard.
04:19He hadn't become a scientist the way his father had hoped, but his paintings were loved by many people.
04:24In the second half of the year, he had a show opening in Florence.
04:28With reddened eyes, I smiled through tears.
04:31Mom has always been proud of you.
04:34I didn't know how long it had passed before an invisible gust of wind seized me and dragged me apart.
04:39Part of my spirit could still feel what was happening back at the hospital,
04:43while another part had arrived at the conference hall where Adrian was presented.
04:47His conference was scheduled to run for seven days.
04:50A man in a well-fitted suit had no trouble commanding the room.
04:54Young.
04:55Handsome.
04:55A resume that could be described as once in a generation.
04:59To be honest, Adrian had probably been the center of attention his whole life.
05:03In college, the girls who liked him were endless.
05:06Every time he'd look at them with that look of his, politely distant, and turn them down.
05:10I'm sorry.
05:11I don't have feelings for you.
05:12His words were blunt, with no gentle cushioning.
05:15What most men would call being popular, he experienced purely as inconvenience.
05:21By then, he'd already collected more scholarships than he could count.
05:24His name was always on the professor's lips.
05:27I was one of the students who looked up at him from a distance.
05:30I didn't dare to get close to him, only dared to gaze at a corner of his clothes from afar.
05:36Adrian had absolutely no idea that before our blind date, I'd been quietly in love with
05:40him for three or four years.
05:42I won't have feelings for anyone.
05:45If I had to say I liked something, I like experiments, writing papers, things that have nothing to do with
05:52people.
05:53As he said this, he frowned slightly and kept a stern face.
05:57Even so, it did nothing to dim how striking he looked.
06:00From a biological perspective, our marriage was not founded on love, but to have a child, to reproduce the human
06:07race.
06:08Do you understand?
06:10Even back then, he made it very clear and very cruel.
06:14Yet I still held on to hope.
06:17I hoped that one day, those calm, washed, clean eyes of his would land on me full of love.
06:24Looking back now, that thought of mine was truly foolish.
06:27My spirit drifted to his side.
06:29I watched him talk to the academic across from him.
06:33Expression serious.
06:34Tall.
06:35Distant.
06:36Elegant in that effortless way of his.
06:39I rested my hands in my pockets and looked at him.
06:42All these years, I wonder if I was just an idiot.
06:45They say people with high IQs see ordinary people the way ordinary people see fools.
06:51The academic symposium buzzed with voices.
06:54Adrian took a photo of the London night skyline and sent it to me.
06:58I couldn't reply to his messages, for my body was being loaded into the funeral home van.
07:03Lucas hadn't told his father I was gone.
07:06He'd even blocked Adrian from the obituary notification he'd sent out through iMessage.
07:11That was fine.
07:12I didn't want to trouble him after my death or make him rebook a flight.
07:16Besides, I didn't think he'd want to see me one last time.
07:20The London skyline was beautiful.
07:22But for some reason, that night, he stood on the windswept terrace and stared at his phone for a very
07:27long time.
07:28I approached him and saw his phone screen.
07:30He was waiting for my reply.
07:32In the past, I always replied to his messages immediately.
07:36But this time, he waited a long time.
07:38I didn't reply.
07:40Professor Hale, it's raining again out there.
07:43Come back inside.
07:45Don't get cold.
07:46A young woman's voice rose behind him.
07:48One of his students.
07:49I know this female student.
07:51Her name is Cece, and she is one of Adrian's admirers.
07:54I didn't expect him to take her to the overseas conference.
07:57He knows very well that I mind Cece being around.
08:01Before, when I came to the lab to visit Adrian, I would always see Cece clinging to him.
08:06Every time I showed up, she would lean in and, as if by accident, brush her breasts against
08:12his arm under the pretense of asking questions.
08:15I expressed my dissatisfaction to Adrian, but he looked indifferent and said,
08:19Since he loves scientific research, she's not the kind of girl you think she is.
08:23Yeah.
08:24Cece was a good girl.
08:25I was the petty one.
08:27I was the jealous one.
08:28Later, I stopped going to the lab to find him.
08:31He seemed to realize something.
08:33One day at the dinner table, he said calmly,
08:35The project is over.
08:37Cece has left the lab.
08:38My eyes lit up.
08:42I looked at Adrian with disappointment.
08:45So Cece had left his lab, but she hadn't left his life.
08:49He should have at least told me that he'd gone to the overseas conference with Cece.
08:54After all, I am his wife.
08:56I have the right to know, and he should show me some respect.
09:00But whatever.
09:01Over the years, why would he ever bother to explain things to me?
09:05Back when he told me Cece had left the lab, that was already in the room.
09:09My soul was pulled away by the wind again, back to Lucas.
09:13I didn't see that after I left.
09:15Adrian took off the jacket from his shoulder, frowned, and asked Cece.
09:19What are you doing here?
09:21I came as a volunteer.
09:23Adrian returned the jacket to her and kept his distance.
09:26Fish and chips.
09:28Terrible.
09:29Adrian sent me a photo of the restaurant.
09:31My body was being rolled into the cremation chamber.
09:34It's raining again.
09:36Adrian sent me the view from his hotel window.
09:39Friends and family gathered for my burial.
09:42Presentation tonight, flight home tomorrow.
09:44Adrian stood at the podium.
09:46A camera was pointed at him.
09:47His work, it seemed, had left a significant mark on the world's progress.
09:51There he was, standing in the spotlight, in the field he'd mastered, living up to every expectation.
09:57I think that was why I'd loved him all those years.
10:00But love can't run on one person's fuel alone.
10:04It needs to come from both sides.
10:06When my ashes were laid to rest, I finally understood that truth.
10:11That night, when the conference ended, Adrian called me.
10:14Three times.
10:15No answer.
10:17He rebooked his flight to the early hours of the morning.
10:20On the plane, he sat with his brow furrowed, his face colder than usual.
10:24For years, I'd been available whenever he needed me.
10:28Being unable to reach me all of a sudden felt strange to him.
10:31He usually came home to me picking him up at the airport.
10:35I'd arrive an hour or two early, just waiting.
10:38But this time, he had to walk through an empty terminal alone.
10:43Then hail an expensive cab at four in the morning.
10:46He got home at six.
10:48He knocked first.
10:49No answer.
10:50He pressed his thumb to the lock and pushed open the door.
10:54The house was silent.
10:57Everything was exactly as he'd left it.
10:59The sink dry.
11:01The table bare.
11:02Only the slippers I always wore were still lined up neatly at the entrance.
11:07He undid the buttons of his coat.
11:09The one he'd left in too much of a rush to change out of.
11:12And moved through the dark house in slow, aimless circles.
11:16Bedroom.
11:16Balcony.
11:17Bathroom.
11:18Finally, he pulled open the washing machine door.
11:21Nothing.
11:23He stopped.
11:24He took out his phone and called me.
11:27He waited a long time.
11:29Busy tone.
11:30He exhaled slowly.
11:32His thumb scrolled to another number on the list.
11:36Lucas.
11:37Father and son had been at odds since before Lucas turned 18.
11:41All these years, Lucas only came home to see me.
11:45He had no interest in dealing with his father.
11:48Adrian didn't mind.
11:49He was absorbed in his work.
11:51He'd never wanted to manage a child.
11:53He'd been absent for all the most important years of Lucas's growing up.
11:57So Lucas had no patience for him either.
12:01What?
12:02Where's your mother?
12:03Lucas paused.
12:04Then he let out a strange sound, laced with something like bitter amusement.
12:09My mom?
12:10My mom's gone.
12:12Gone where?
12:13I heard Lucas's voice slow to a halt on the other end of the line.
12:17Not gone somewhere, Dad.
12:20Mom died.
12:22A long silence stretched across both ends of the phone.
12:25From where I hovered, I watched Adrian's knuckles go white around the receiver.
12:31You're a grown man.
12:33Is this your idea of a joke?
12:35Apparently, the thing that Elena had died, that her funeral had been held without notifying
12:40him, did not fit anywhere inside Adrian's understanding of things.
12:44Lucas went quiet on his end.
12:46After a long moment, he let out a short, flat laugh.
12:49The kind that sounds like letting go.
12:51Dad, I stopped joking around with you in sixth grade.
12:55Lucas hung up.
12:56The dial tone filled the room.
12:58Adrian seemed frozen, still holding the phone in the same position.
13:02Slowly, he sat down on the couch.
13:05Adrian was meticulous and precise in his academic life.
13:08In his personal life, he was the opposite, almost chaotically casual.
13:12His study was always piled with drafts he wouldn't let me touch.
13:16He'd snapped at me more than once for it.
13:18Looking back, I suppose I was never really the right fit for him.
13:21He probably needed a woman scientist who could travel with him through the vast universe of
13:25academia.
13:26Not a mid-level magazine editor who washed the sofa covers until they faded, and didn't
13:31know the difference between a cold front and a polar continental air mass.
13:35Outside light crept slowly into the room.
13:38I watched him run his fingers along the lace trim of the sofa cover, working the small edge
13:42of dust back and forth again and again.
13:45The front door opened.
13:47Adrian's head snapped toward it so fast I was afraid he'd hurt his neck.
13:50Lucas stood in the doorway, keys dangling from his hand.
13:53Dad, good, you're here.
13:54Where did mom keep her real ID and the household documents?
13:58I need to go to city hall.
13:59The finger working the lace trim went still.
14:02Adrian sat rigid.
14:03To cancel her registration.
14:04All the important documents have been placed under the TV cabinet by me.
14:08Adrian was the kind of person who picked things up and set them down wherever.
14:12That included the medals from his biggest awards, so I'd always been the one to put them
14:16away carefully.
14:17He didn't care about any of that, but every time I'd handle them, I'd smile to myself
14:21and run my fingers over them softly.
14:23Why are you smiling so happily?
14:25He never understood why I got happy when he won something.
14:28I just smiled and tucked my arm through his.
14:30Because you're my husband.
14:32Of course I'm happy when my husband wins.
14:34Back when I was young, I'd still lean on him and pout sometimes.
14:37But the years wore that out of me.
14:39Adrian was holding our wedding photo, not letting go.
14:42The photo in it wasn't a good one either.
14:44His mouth didn't curve even slightly.
14:46I smiled like it was the grandest celebration in the world.
14:49A party thrown just for me.
14:50Lucas found my real ID.
14:52He turned and saw his father still holding wedding photo, staring at it.
14:56Dad, don't worry.
14:57Now that Mom's gone, your marriage is automatically disrobed.
15:00You're not her husband anymore.
15:01Not ever again.
15:03Happy?
15:04You can pursue something with any of those female students of yours now.
15:07In the past, such a cutting remark would have made Adrian's face turn cold.
15:11But this time, he stayed still for a long time.
15:14Lost somewhere.
15:15He just slowly rose, picked up the coat he'd draped over the couch.
15:18I'll come with you.
15:20Neither of them said a word the entire way there.
15:22I'd imagined it before.
15:24What Adrian's face would look like when I was gone.
15:26Probably a quiet...
15:28Oh.
15:28Got it.
15:30And then back to his world-changing research without missing a beat.
15:33My leaving would have been a small interruption to him.
15:36A stone dropped into a lake.
15:38And yet here he was, personally coming to cancel my registration.
15:41I didn't know whether to feel something about that or not.
15:45Watching your own records get erased is a singular experience.
15:48Lucas handed over the paperwork.
15:50Adrian sat in the waiting area chairs not far away.
15:53He drew attention even there.
15:55A deep green coat.
15:56Like a solitary pine standing in a crowd.
15:59I could always spot him in a crowd at first glance.
16:02I didn't know what he was thinking.
16:03Those dark eyes reflected the passing crowd in silence.
16:07Lucas completed the form.
16:08The clerk on the other side of the window confirmed it.
16:11When the booklet was passed back, there was a new stamp on the page.
16:15Deceased.
16:16Adrian stared at those two words for a very long time.
16:20Long enough that Lucas reached over and snatched the booklet from his hands.
16:23I'll come by for mom's things in a few days.
16:26Adrian's voice had gone rough from days of silence.
16:30Who said you could take them?
16:32She's my mother.
16:33I can't take her things?
16:34I'm still her husband.
16:37You're nothing.
16:38After Lucas said it, both of them went quiet.
16:41Adrian was still standing.
16:42But he looked as if something had been pulled clean out of him.
16:45He closed his eyes.
16:46Said slowly.
16:47Your mother never told me she was sick.
16:50Yeah.
16:50Lucas nodded.
16:51And what good would it have done?
16:52Lucas took the stamped booklet and walked away.
16:55Adrian was left standing alone outside the records office.
16:58I'd always known.
16:59Adrian was a passerby at heart.
17:01You couldn't warm someone like that.
17:02He was always rational.
17:04Always just out of reach.
17:05The summer sun pressed down hard.
17:07He turned and walked down a street loud with cicadas.
17:11I expected Adrian to go home and get back to his unfinished research.
17:15Instead, from the moment he stepped through the door, he just stood there.
17:18In a trance.
17:19For instance, he stood in front of the little puzzle model I kept by the entrance.
17:23The one I'd brought back from Melbourne.
17:25The last piece always went in wrong.
17:28He'd laughed and called me hopeless.
17:30Then fitted it together in seconds.
17:32He stood there for over 30 minutes.
17:34For instance, he sat on the couch and stared at the aloe vera plant we kept on the side table.
17:39Stared until the sun went down.
17:40The aloe was a home remedy I'd gotten from the clinic at the end of our street.
17:44For my skin that was always acting up.
17:47I used to watch him with envy and poke his face.
17:50Asking why his skin was always so flawless.
17:53Most of the time he'd lean away from me with a look of distaste.
17:56Then, in an almost indifferent tone, he said,
17:59Are there bacteria on your hand?
18:01Night fell.
18:01He didn't turn on a single light.
18:03He sat alone in the dark living room.
18:05I thought, maybe without me, he'd still need time to adjust.
18:09After all, I'd looked after him for so many years.
18:12After all, Elena Ward would always leave a light on for Adrian Hale to come home to.
18:17At one in the morning, he finally moved.
18:20He took a cold shower, pulled himself into bed.
18:23Adrian kept rigid routines.
18:25Going to sleep past midnight was a rare thing for him.
18:28But he didn't seem to sleep.
18:29He sat up suddenly.
18:31The moon hung high.
18:32He got out of bed and went to the balcony.
18:34The succulents I'd brought home were drooping.
18:36No one had watered them in days.
18:38He crouched down, picked up the small watering can nearby,
18:42and began squeezing drops of water into each pot.
18:45Midway through, his hand trembled.
18:47The residential complex was nearly dark.
18:49Somewhere nearby, a dog started barking.
18:51The sound stretching out into empty desolation.
18:54I couldn't go anywhere.
18:55In those days after my death, I could only drift beside Adrian.
18:59After a sleepless night, Adrian did something completely out of character the next morning.
19:04He cleaned the house.
19:05All of it.
19:06His department.
19:07His graduate students.
19:08His university.
19:09They all called.
19:10He barely responded.
19:12Each time, a flat.
19:13I just lost my wife.
19:14Over 20 years with Adrian.
19:16And I didn't know what to make of him anymore.
19:18He wouldn't cry after I died.
19:20I'd known that long ago.
19:21He'd said himself he didn't put emotion into things outside his research.
19:25Honestly, I'd assumed he'd be the first one around me to move on.
19:28He might not even grieve.
19:29Because his coldness went bone deep.
19:31It bordered on something almost ruthless.
19:33This wasn't his usual reaction.
19:35For instance, he sat looking at the souvenir I'd brought him from our Morocco trip.
19:40Stared at it for an entire afternoon.
19:42The doorbell rang.
19:43He shuffled over to answer it.
19:45Outside stood Frank.
19:46Our neighbor and Adrian's closest friend.
19:49Hey Adrian.
19:50I just out for a walk.
19:51Here.
19:51From that place at the front gate.
19:54Sesame bagels.
19:55Got you one.
19:56Adrian's eyes moved blankly to the bag.
19:58Frank, being who he was, had read the room perfectly.
20:01Adrian hadn't eaten in two days.
20:03Frank knew.
20:03Without me, Adrian couldn't even feed himself.
20:06The evening light ran like something warm down the hallway.
20:09Adrian stepped aside and let him in.
20:11After a long moment.
20:13She invited you to the funeral but didn't tell me a single word about it.
20:17One sentence.
20:18The room went silent.
20:22Hey, it's over now.
20:23Let the dead rest.
20:25Frank sat with Adrian for a while.
20:26Adrian was never much for conversation and now he was even more so.
20:29Frank quietly stayed with him.
20:31As the sky grew dark, Frank got up and left.
20:33He said his goodbyes at the door, but on his way out he paused, turned back, like he'd
20:37been deciding something for a long time and had finally made up his mind.
20:40Elena used to tell me she envied me.
20:43Envied that I understood the science.
20:46That I could follow those complicated theories.
20:49She said if only her mind worked that way, maybe then Adrian would have talked to her more.
20:55Adrian, when someone gives you their whole heart, it's not meant to be crushed into nothing.
20:59Adrian remained motionless, his eyes red.
21:02I leaned against the door frame and watched Adrian still going through our things.
21:05He'd been at it all night, tireless.
21:07He'd found a photo album and opened it.
21:09There weren't many.
21:10Adrian, with that face of his that had drawn attention since he was young, had always hated being photographed.
21:15Most of them I'd dragged him into.
21:17Some were occasions he couldn't avoid.
21:19Like the one he was touching now, with the tip of his finger.
21:22The cable car at Yosemite.
21:23There were no safety barriers to speak of back then.
21:26After he'd explained the engineering of how it worked, I was terrified the whole ride.
21:31Gripping his arm with everything I had.
21:33He'd looked at me the way someone does when they deeply regret explaining something.
21:36Before taking the cable car, something else happened that nearly made us divorce.
21:40Adrian was always busy.
21:41I'd pushed and nudged for a long time.
21:44Done so much convincing.
21:45Before he finally agreed to clear a few days and go away together.
21:48The dates were set.
21:49The tickets bought.
21:50I'd been looking forward to it for almost a week.
21:52Then, the day before we were supposed to leave, he had a group meeting.
21:56He couldn't go.
21:57I was angry.
21:58But that wasn't what broke me.
21:59What broke me was that the group meeting was he with Cece.
22:02Just the two of them.
22:03I asked if he could cancel the meeting.
22:05He said no.
22:05Just go by yourself.
22:06He said it while sorting through his notes.
22:08Offhand.
22:09Board.
22:09He said it in the morning.
22:10By evening, the divorce papers were on his desk.
22:13In that moment, I genuinely wanted the divorce.
22:16I was falling apart.
22:17I was probably already pregnant with Lucas by then.
22:20Hormones running wild.
22:21Adrian seemed to realize that things had become serious.
22:25He packed his luggage and stood in front of me.
22:27He was never one for words.
22:29So to this day, I don't know how he got out of that meeting he'd called unmovable.
22:33Either way, the next morning, he was on the road with me.
22:36That photo was taken on that trip.
22:38I had my arm through his.
22:40Pressed close.
22:41He was expressionless as ever.
22:43That handsome face set to cool.
22:45After we came back, Cece left the lab.
22:48And his career hit a rough patch.
22:50That might be partly my fault.
22:52Our marriage never had many happy memories.
22:54That we managed to build a life together.
22:57Have a child.
22:58Still strikes me as improbable.
23:00He turned the photo over.
23:01On the back I'd written,
23:03I'm sorry Adrian.
23:04I never knew how to make you happy.
23:06He gripped the photo.
23:07Hard enough that the edge cut into his palm.
23:10Leaving a thin red line.
23:12In the storage room, Adrian found the bottle of wine we'd made together the previous year.
23:17On the cap was a label in my handwriting.
23:19Adrian, don't open before July.
23:21Year 3.
23:22I'd written it after I already knew about the cancer.
23:25I wrote it because I knew he wouldn't remember on his own.
23:28While clearing his study, he found a note pressed under the glass desktop.
23:32The wind will rise. Set sail.
23:33I'd written it for him.
23:35There'd been a project that went wrong.
23:36His whole team was in crisis.
23:38All I could do was make sure there was food on the table.
23:40Water at the right temperature at midnight.
23:42And a few quiet words of encouragement tucked under his things.
23:45In the refrigerator, the lentil soup I'd made was still sitting there.
23:49He'd always refused it.
23:50Said he didn't like the bitterness.
23:52I'd smiled and...
23:53Okay, okay.
23:54Next time I'll make it without the bitter part.
23:55How's that?
23:56By then, I'd already known.
23:58There wasn't going to be a next time.
24:00Now he sat at the kitchen table and gently pulled the sealed cap from the bottle.
24:04He drank the wine that hadn't finished aging.
24:07Sip by sip, he finished the lentil soup too.
24:09Then, fifteen minutes later, he went to the bathroom and was violently sick.
24:14It had been in the refrigerator for over two weeks.
24:17Adrian rarely drank.
24:18He'd said it himself.
24:19Alcohol impairs thinking.
24:20And yet, he finished the entire bottle.
24:22Then went back to the bathroom again.
24:24From the bathroom came a loud crash.
24:25He doubled over the sink.
24:27The water running over his ears.
24:28His neck.
24:29The tips of his ears flushed red.
24:30He lifted his head slowly.
24:32And stared at the person in the mirror.
24:35The Great Doctor Hale had quite a right hook.
24:38I'd rarely had a chance to see him like this.
24:40Unraveling.
24:41In the past, nothing I ever did could get a real reaction out of him.
24:44Not anger.
24:45Not affection.
24:46The darkly funny part is that after decades of marriage, it turns out he'd never let himself properly express love
24:51toward me either.
24:52On the top shelf are the spare bedding we rotate by season.
24:55He was reaching for that.
24:56I always ran cold.
24:57Even a slight chill got to me.
24:58When I was young, I'd come home from winter outside and open my arms to him.
25:02I'm so cold.
25:02Hug me.
25:03Buy a blanket.
25:04He'd refuse without blinking.
25:06So I bought one.
25:06And stopped needing him to hold me.
25:08That fleece throw was still folded inside the closet.
25:10I pulled it out every winter.
25:11After a long moment, he just gripped the blanket.
25:14Tight.
25:14Like it was the only solid thing left in his world.
25:16He couldn't seem to stand.
25:17So he slowly, pulling the blanket along, folded himself into the corner of the couch.
25:21He wrapped it around himself.
25:23A man who shouldn't be feeling cold, pulled the blanket tighter and tighter.
25:26There was something almost greedy in it.
25:28Clinging to my things.
25:29Adrian.
25:30Clinging?
25:31I'd never imagined it.
25:32He wrestled with his coat pocket and pulled out his phone.
25:34Dialed.
25:35Frank.
25:35Adrian, listen to me.
25:37Elena's gone.
25:38She's gone.
25:39You can't bring yourself to the edge over this.
25:44Frank.
25:47Does she hate me?
25:48He hadn't shed a single tear after I died.
25:50Though why now?
25:51Holding my things.
25:53Crying like that.
25:54Adrian and Lucas ended up in a physical fight over my own arms.
25:57It landed both of them in the hospital.
25:59Friends and relatives showed up.
26:01Lucas was being held back, shouting at Adrian.
26:04What right do you have to keep my mom's things?
26:06Did you ever look out for me growing up?
26:08Did you ever act like a father?
26:11Because you didn't want to be disturbed.
26:13Because you're a great scientist.
26:15Sure.
26:16You dedicated yourself to humanity.
26:18Very noble.
26:19So what?
26:20I didn't matter.
26:22Mom didn't matter.
26:23And now that she's gone, you think you can take the last thing she had?
26:28Adrian was held back by Frank, unable to get a word out.
26:31He lifted a hand and wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth.
26:34In just a few days, he'd changed entirely.
26:37The weight had dropped off him fast.
26:39The summer wind moved through the long hospital corridor.
26:41Lucas' voice behind him, still raw.
26:43Frank put a hand on his shoulder.
26:45All right.
26:46All right.
26:46How did it come to this?
26:49Adrian, who was there to blame?
26:51A measured thing to say.
26:53Adrian coughed twice.
26:55I never thought.
26:56Very quiet.
26:57Quiet enough to be swallowed by the summer wind before it finished.
27:00The hospital hallway stretched out without end.
27:03He didn't know.
27:04But I was drifting just ahead of him.
27:06He pressed his hand to his chest.
27:07Like he couldn't understand why it hurt so much there.
27:12I never thought I'd lose her.
27:13The one in agony became Adrian.
27:16The one who wanted to be free became me.
27:18I didn't know what happened after death.
27:20I didn't know how long I'd be drifting.
27:22I couldn't do anything.
27:23I could only watch Adrian day after day.
27:26This man who had moved through my life like a force of nature.
27:29Always pivotal.
27:30Always in the center of everything.
27:32But after my death, I never wanted to see him again.
27:35Adrian cleaned himself up.
27:36Shaved the days of stubble away.
27:38Sorted his hair back out.
27:40Time had always favored him.
27:41Light falling on the side of his face in the bathroom.
27:44Wrecked as he was.
27:45Still looked like a different kind of handsome.
27:47He bought a plane ticket and flew to Florence alone.
27:50He went to Lucas' show without telling anyone.
27:52First time he'd ever seen his son's work, I think.
27:55When Lucas was very small, he cried at everything.
27:58Adrian had a project running.
28:00Didn't want the noise.
28:01Handed him off to me and his grandmother.
28:03When Lucas got older and started school,
28:05Adrian was disappointed that his son hadn't inherited a single bit of his mathematical talent.
28:10So he wrote him off entirely.
28:12A professor.
28:12And he wouldn't work through a single problem with his own child.
28:15Now he stood in front of a large floor-to-ceiling canvas and looked up at it.
28:19What was he thinking?
28:20He stayed in the gallery alone until the sun went down.
28:22Then left as quietly as if he'd never been there.
28:25He came to my grave, carrying a cake.
28:27That's when it hit me.
28:28It was my birthday.
28:29So he did remember, just not until after I was gone.
28:33He cut a slice and placed it in front of the tombstone.
28:36Then he ate his own piece, never taking his eyes off my photo.
28:39His voice cracked.
28:41Elena, I'm sorry.
28:42When he turned to go, he reached out toward my photo.
28:45Then pulled his hand back.
28:47Lucas had chosen the photo.
28:49In it, I was smiling, gentle and easy.
28:51The way I always was.
28:53He went home, showered, and changed into the clothes I'd forced him to buy the previous Christmas.
28:58He moved slowly to the nightstand and took out the bottle of sleeping pills.
29:02He'd been unable to sleep without them these past days.
29:05He stared at the bottle for a long time.
29:06He dropped the pills into his bag.
29:09Before he closed the front door, he stopped.
29:11Without warning, without any explanation, he turned and looked directly at the place where I was standing.
29:17Then walked out without looking back.
29:19Adrian knew I was there.
29:20I realized this three days later.
29:23Because three days before, Adrian had started writing in a notebook.
29:26Elena, I don't know if you're with me.
29:28Maybe you are.
29:29Maybe you're not.
29:30But what I can say with certainty is, if the experimental direction is correct, you will be able to read
29:35this.
29:36What did that mean?
29:37I blinked.
29:38By then Adrian had boarded a long distance train, its engine grinding steadily towards somewhere cold and far away.
29:44The destination on his ticket, Iceland.
29:47Green landscape blurred past the window like wind.
29:50As he wrote, I began to notice something unsettling.
29:53If the dead can become spirits, the way I clearly had.
29:56Then logic said every person who died would become one spirits.
29:59So why had I only ever seen myself?
30:01Why did I exist at all?
30:02Why was I the only one?
30:04What was I?
30:04If I'd become a ghost, why couldn't I see any other ghost?
30:08Was it possible that I was the only one?
30:10Once that thought took hold, everything I'd taken for granted began to unravel.
30:14That I had consciousness after death was itself deeply strange.
30:18I looked up sharply at the man writing carefully in his notebook.
30:20Not a coincidence.
30:22None of this was a coincidence.
30:23The reason I still had awareness after dying, it was Adrian.
30:27This man, at the edge of the world's most advanced research, standing at the top of his field.
30:32He had done something to my body, without my knowledge.
30:35The train ground on.
30:37Adrian leaned against the window of the car.
30:39His hand kept moving across the notebook page.
30:41Universal Information Conservation Theory.
30:44Elena, I was so sure I didn't believe in cosmic reversion.
30:48And yet, when you were hospitalized 20 years ago for acute appendicitis, while you were unconscious,
30:53I fitted you with something we now call consciousness anchoring.
30:56A new concept.
30:57Barely more than a framework at the time.
30:59In 2002, the technology was unfinished.
31:02It was a theoretical model we'd only just constructed.
31:06All I could confirm was that it wouldn't cause any harm to the subject.
31:09I didn't even know if it would work.
31:11We had no way to observe or measure what death looks like from the inside.
31:15Whatever my reasoning at the time, I understand now that I did it out of something selfish.
31:19I didn't want to lose you.
31:20So I made you a vessel for consciousness anchoring.
31:22I stood there, cold spreading up my back.
31:25So that was why I still had awareness after death.
31:28That was why I'd been tethered to his side all this time.
31:31Elena.
31:34Can a person actually return to the past?
31:37The researchers at the facility in Iceland seemed thrilled to have Adrian.
31:41A complex of buildings buried in a white expanse, said to hold the most cut-edge scientific capability on Earth.
31:47They were throwing everything they had at the problem humanity had obsessed over for centuries, going back.
31:51I watched Adrian set down his bag and dive into the work without stopping.
31:55I watched the stack of papers in front of him grow thick.
31:58I watched him keep forgetting to eat, sleeping what little he slept each day.
32:02He looked like he'd gone mad, like he existed only to prove the answer to one question.
32:07His only leisure was writing in the notebook he kept for me.
32:09I didn't understand quantum entanglement or space-time mechanics.
32:13I couldn't follow most of it.
32:15But if I existed here, that meant maybe their experiment had some probability of succeeding.
32:19And watching Adrian become this person, across these weeks and months,
32:24I sat on the nearby bookshelf and watched him think, all this time, did I hate him?
32:29Actually, no. Not anymore.
32:31When a feeling wears down far enough, it just becomes nothing.
32:34Honestly, Adrian wasn't particularly good or particularly bad.
32:37By the end, we were simply a very ordinary married couple.
32:40Eating at the same table, sleeping in the same bed.
32:42Just not very sweet.
32:43I'd given him my whole self. Everything.
32:46The tragedy was that by the time he turned around to look, I was already gone.
32:49He thought he wouldn't care.
32:51He was wrong.
32:51He miscalculated.
32:53And I had stopped caring.
32:54I sat there and watched it all like a series of scenes, none of which had any particular ending that
32:58mattered to me.
32:59Adrian didn't matter to me anymore.
33:00I had no regrets about the years I'd spent on him.
33:03You don't get to regret your choices.
33:04I just hoped Adrian could understand that too.
33:06Let me go.
33:07Instead of pouring himself into this mad experiment, his theory involved dividing a person into something unimaginably small.
33:13I did my best to follow it.
33:14Those smallest units.
33:15Too small to be called individuals anymore.
33:17Atoms.
33:1710 to the 28th power protons.
33:19And each proton in quantum state could precisely record its own structural function.
33:23That formed a stream of protons.
33:25The form my consciousness was now taking.
33:27Only that kind of stream had the conditions to travel through a wormhole in a light spiral.
33:31In the third year of Adrian's time in Iceland, the experiment succeeded.
33:34He put his thumb into the machine.
33:35The machine ran.
33:36A clean cross section was produced.
33:38No extra blood.
33:39No bone.
33:40No nerve tissue.
33:41He had become, successfully, something undetectable to human observation.
33:44The way I was.
33:45The severed nerve in his thumb must have hit him like a shock.
33:47He doubled over and dropped to his knees.
33:49Hand pressed to the stump.
33:50But he was laughing.
33:52He'd been getting stranger by the year.
33:53The experiment moved into its second phase.
33:56It was spring and Reykjavik.
33:57Adrian needed to artificially generate a wormhole.
33:59He gave the process a new name.
34:01Quantum cell fracture.
34:03I read what he wrote in the notebook.
34:04Under high pressure, low temperature, and high frequency electromagnetic fields,
34:09a local disturbance is introduced into stable vacuum.
34:11Using a guide apparatus to force non-linear fluctuation in vacuum state,
34:15a spatial point is extracted from its original causal chain and fractures into two coherent entry points.
34:21This is not punching through space.
34:22It is the reorganization of local space-time topology.
34:25I could read every word.
34:26The meaning, together, was beyond me.
34:28Adrian's experiment was running into more obstacles than ever.
34:31Support was falling away.
34:32He'd stepped back from applied physics entirely over these years, and the criticism had followed.
34:36People called his work the obsession of a man who'd lost his mind.
34:39A fantasy of impossible time reversal.
34:41They said he'd turned into a lunatic.
34:42That he'd experimented on himself.
34:44That he'd die inside that terrible machine of his one day.
34:46However, in his theory, the precondition for space-time transit was death.
34:50After all, to become a proton stream, a person had to be reduced to something finer than dust.
34:54Which was why no one would volunteer as a subject.
34:56He would be the first.
34:57The only one to enter the enormous thing he'd built.
35:00On a bright morning, he came to the final stage.
35:02The few remaining members of his team would observe from outside a glass room.
35:05He lay down inside a silver vortex titanium chamber,
35:07with a shape that made something in the chest go uneasy.
35:10The machine activated.
35:11No one knew whether it was going to reduce him to infinite invisible fragments.
35:14Or actually carry him through time.
35:16Perhaps both.
35:17A deep hum filled everything.
35:18Whatever was happening to him, something was happening to me too.
35:21I felt something pulling at me.
35:22A force.
35:23A spiral.
35:24I was turning with it.
35:25And yet, there was no dizziness.
35:26I was being led.
35:27Or maybe I was rushing forward on my own.
35:29I couldn't feel time passing.
35:30I fell into a deep void.
35:32Falling.
35:32Still falling.
35:33Had Adrian's experiment worked?
35:34Maybe.
35:36I opened my eyes.
35:37A spring breeze.
35:38Light fell through the library windows.
35:40The literary journal in my hands had just turned to the next page.
35:45Someone beside me grabbed my sleeve.
35:47Elena!
35:47It's Hale's speech time!
35:48We'll lose our spots if we're late!
35:50Elena!
35:51What's wrong?
35:51You've been looking forward to seeing him forever!
35:54Come on!
35:54We're actually going to miss our chance!
35:56Hale.
35:57Adrian Hale.
35:58Now, hearing that name, my first instinct is to resist.
36:02I would no longer go near Adrian.
36:05I gently moved my friend's hand from my sleeve.
36:08Smiled at her.
36:09You go.
36:10I think I want to read a little longer.
36:11At least one more chance to start over.
36:14I didn't want Adrian.
36:15A small commotion near the entrance.
36:18Adrian at 20.
36:19White shirt, fitted just right across the waist.
36:22Dark hair catching the air as he walked.
36:24Sharp features.
36:26Still carrying the raw edge of youth that adulthood would eventually smooth out.
36:30Lips pressed closed.
36:32Don't approach.
36:32In that simpler era, he moved like he'd walked out of a fashion magazine.
36:37Everyone's eyes followed him.
36:39I hid my face behind the book, hoping not to be found.
36:42But he walked straight toward me.
36:45Adrian grabbed my wrist, moving to kiss me.
36:47I swung and slapped him.
36:49Both things happened within about two seconds.
36:51A soft ripple of surprise moved through the room.
36:54Elena.
36:55Let go.
36:57Please.
36:58Cold.
36:58Hard.
36:59A tone I'd never imagined using on Adrian.
37:01The two of us were already the center of attention in the room.
37:04I didn't mind putting it plainly.
37:06Adrian.
37:07Keep grabbing me like this and the whole campus will hear you harassing women.
37:12Sorry.
37:15Elena.
37:16We went back.
37:18We're here.
37:20Can't we start over?
37:21I looked at him for a long moment.
37:23People wear each other down.
37:25First through warmth.
37:26Then through friction.
37:27Then into something harder.
37:28Adrian was the reverse.
37:30He started out not caring at all and ended up caring too much.
37:34When he wanted to turn back, he found it was too late.
37:37People call that missing your chance.
37:39But I don't love you anymore, Adrian.
37:41After I turned him down, Adrian didn't give up.
37:43He still kept hanging around me.
37:44This day, he pulled out a full bouquet of roses from behind him.
37:47He stood there, far too noticeable.
37:49More noticeable than any bouquet.
37:51But looking at roses, I found exactly zero movement in my chest.
37:54If anything, mild irritation.
37:56Adrian, look at yourself.
37:57I stood above him on the stairs, looking down.
37:59Doesn't this not even feel like you anymore?
38:01I've turned you down this many times and you're still not tired of it?
38:04Why keep coming back?
38:05We got another life.
38:06There are so many things you could do with it.
38:07I don't care.
38:08I can't stop.
38:09I can let go of everything else.
38:11But a life without you?
38:12He stopped talking.
38:13Those dark eyes looked up at me.
38:15I can't last a single second, Elena.
38:19Without you, I'd die.
38:21His eyes really were beautiful.
38:22Like black obsidian.
38:23Deep.
38:24Impossible to look away from.
38:25I thought suddenly of the version of me that used to pray.
38:28Every day.
38:28For those calm eyes to land on me full of warmth.
38:31And pray he'd say something tender.
38:32But now, this isn't what I want anymore.
38:34But I don't love you anymore.
38:36I said it.
38:36And his eyes went red at the edges for just a moment.
38:39Back in the dorm, for those few days, every conversation circled around me.
38:42I sat with my book and let my roommates chatter.
38:45Elena!
38:46You're famous!
38:47Okay, what is going on with you and Adrian Hall?
38:49How did you two even get connected?
38:51You actually turned down Adrian Hall.
38:53That's kind of incredible.
38:55The probability of Adrian actively pursuing someone was probably in most people's minds.
38:59Lower than the probability of someone proving the Riemann hypothesis.
39:03I closed the book and jumped off the bed.
39:04Waved them over.
39:05Forget that for now.
39:07Anyone interested in starting a business?
39:11Starting what?
39:13Everything we read right now is on paper, right?
39:15Serialized novels, submissions, all of it.
39:18But what if I told you that in the not-too-distant future,
39:21web-based fiction platforms are going to take off completely?
39:25Would you believe me?
39:27I want to build a site for serials fiction.
39:30Website. Web fiction.
39:31These weren't words many people used yet in this time.
39:33The visions young people carry for the future are always a little wild.
39:37And the unknown has its own particular pull.
39:39Especially when you're holding the key.
39:40What I could say for certain was this.
39:42In this life, everything I had could start over.
39:44So compared to the tangled mess of love and loss.
39:47Walking a road I'd never walked before felt so much more alive.
39:50Stars lit up inside my eyes.
39:51That night, the light in the women's dorm stayed on until dawn.
39:54My whole life was starting over.
39:56This time, there would be no Adrian Hale.
39:58Early summer had just arrived.
40:00It had been raining heavily for days.
40:01Adrian stood across from the dormitory building,
40:04looking up at a window still faintly glowing.
40:05There was probably some kind of celebration happening up there.
40:08The carefully wrapped birthday cake he'd been holding for a long time
40:11had no reason to be given anymore.
40:12He knew. Even if he handed it over,
40:14it would end up in the trash can sitting beside him.
40:16Today was Elena Ward's birthday.
40:18The first birthday since he'd pulled them both back in time.
40:20The 108th day of Elena turning him down.
40:23He'd come back to the past.
40:24And the past had handed him its worst punishment.
40:26So many moments where one small step forward would have changed everything.
40:30If only he had genuinely celebrated her birthday with her back then.
40:33If only he had smiled at her more when she lifted her head and spoke to him with such delight.
40:37If only he had held her close when she felt cold in winter.
40:40If he had, then would she have hated him less?
40:42Would she have been willing to tell him, in her final days?
40:44That simple.
40:45He could have had her.
40:46All those chances he'd had to course correct.
40:48His chest had started hurting again.
40:49He pressed his hand to it.
40:51What a thing.
40:51Regret.
40:52A particular unending sensation pressing against his heart.
40:55I was wrong.
40:57Come back.
40:58Please.
40:59The evening breeze carried rain in through his collar.
41:02He stood looking up at that window that would never light up again for him.
41:05But he thought, at least he was back to how things used to be.
41:07At least he could watch her.
41:08And not just a photograph.
41:10Not just cold dreams that kept reaching for something already gone.
41:13The second hand moved through its count.
41:143, 2, 1.
41:16He mouthed it silently.
41:17Whispered to her.
41:18The birthday he had never said out loud.
41:20Happy.
41:21Birthday.
41:21The sky went dark.
41:22The light went out.
41:23And she was gone again.
41:25He was woken by an enormous sound.
41:27It took him a long time.
41:28He finally understood that the enormous sound was the sound of himself hitting the floor.
41:32His bones ached.
41:33He couldn't get his limbs to cooperate.
41:35He couldn't stand.
41:36Getting old was like that.
41:37Everything started to go.
41:38Dreaming again, he told himself.
41:40Can the dream please last a little longer?
41:42He told himself.
41:43He lay there on the floor instead.
41:44Tried to sleep.
41:45Couldn't anymore.
41:46He stared at the ceiling as evening light moved slowly across its worn marks.
41:49Until someone knocked at the door.
41:51He couldn't stand up.
41:52But he knew the person knocking had a key.
41:54A few minutes later the door opened.
41:55Frank came in tapping his cane.
41:57Scanning the room for him.
41:58Adrian dead!
41:59Frank tossed the cane aside and came to him.
42:02He opened his eyes.
42:02What are you doing down there?
42:04I need to find Elena.
42:05She went out to get groceries.
42:07It started raining.
42:09I need to go pick her up.
42:10Elena's gone, Adrian.
42:11Frank had heard this before.
42:12Are you off your medication again?
42:14She's not gone!
42:16But he'd stopped hearing Frank, talking to himself now.
42:19I found it.
42:20A way back.
42:21I found it.
42:22She's just a consciousness traveling with me.
42:25And then I brought her back to the past.
42:27We can start over!
42:28She's not dead!
42:29I found her!
42:30I found her!
42:30Adrian!
42:32I'm telling you.
42:33It is 2049.
42:34Elena has been gone for over 20 years.
42:38You didn't go back.
42:38You didn't travel anywhere.
42:41And modern physics has settled this.
42:44Time is just information.
42:45The past doesn't exist.
42:47We can never cross through space pines.
42:49You can never go back.
42:50Adrian's strength left him at once.
42:52He turned his clouded eyes toward Frank.
42:53He was shaking his head.
42:55No.
42:55He'd already found the way back to the past.
42:57Right.
42:58Dreaming is how you go back.
42:59Adrian, you're pathetic.
43:0120 years and you can't move on.
43:03If that's how it is, why didn't you stay with her properly when she was alive?
43:06I know I was wrong.
43:07Yes.
43:08And you can't go back, no matter how famous a scientist you are.
43:12Frank set the bag of sesame bagels on the table.
43:14Just out walking thought I'd check on you.
43:17Honestly.
43:18Shouldn't you look into getting a caretaker?
43:20You're not young anymore, Adrian.
43:22The door clicked shut.
43:23Adrian sat in his rocking chair looking at the bag of bagels.
43:26He had grown more and more partial to long silences.
43:28But his thoughts drifted with the summer light.
43:30He thought he could see it again.
43:31A summer from years ago.
43:33Woven out of the sound of cicadas.
43:34Elena coming through the front door.
43:36Bright eyed.
43:37Shaking the paper bag in her hand.
43:38Adrian, there's a new bagel place that opened at the end of our street.
43:42Try one.
43:42Is it good?
43:43He watched her.
43:44And he wept.
43:44The way no one sounds good crying.
43:46Her throw blanket.
43:47The one she used to wrap herself in.
43:49So worn now, it was fraying in places.
43:51He couldn't bring himself to throw it away.
43:52Now, even his crying had gone ugly.
43:54Why was he crying?
43:55He just kept thinking back to it.
43:57That blind date, so many years ago.
43:59He could have said no.
44:00But he saw her.
44:01Then, he sat down across from her.
44:03Hello.
44:04My name is Adrian.
44:05Let's get in.
Comments