- 8 hours ago
The Heat After the AC Died
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Short filmTranscript
00:0898 degrees the AC in my room died this morning just gave out I hate this house the way it
00:18is
00:18now anyway I hate the day mom married Kevin and packed him and his quiet 30 another son into my
00:23life two years now every wrong thing under this roof started that day too hot to think
00:36I've kicked off my shorts a tank strap slipping off my shoulder and flopped back on the bed to call
00:44her
00:53mom my AC's broken I'm melting up here her end is all rattling carts and store announcements
01:00I know I know I'm at the store back soon have your brother look at it he's coming home for
01:05lunch anyway
01:11your brother those two words set me off but my brain won't listen it pulls him up before I can
01:17stop it he does HVAC fixes AC lines and pipes all day always slick with sweat last week in the
01:26kitchen
01:26head tipped back chugging ice water his throat working with every swallow a drop running down
01:33his jaw to his collar pine the muscle in his forearm bunching tight as he cranked a valve
01:39I press my thighs together and hate myself the second I do I hate him I really do so what
01:49the hell
01:49is this downstairs the front door clicks open the stairs grown step by step under someone much heavier
01:57than me that's when I remember what I'm wearing I lunge for the shorts on my chair too late the
02:05door
02:05swings open Samir work pants gray tank soaked through and clean every line of his chest and
02:12stomach right there toolbox in hand the hair at his forehead damp in strands I should look away I don't
02:21my eyes dragged down on their own his slick chest his tensed forearms and finally see something you like
02:30his voice comes out rough the corner of his mouth tipping up caught heat shoots all the way to my
02:37ears
02:37I ripped the blanket up over myself who's looking at you don't flatter yourself he doesn't look away
02:45the smirk only deepens his throat moves once the AC he steps in drops the toolbox and looks down at
02:54me
02:54curled up small where is it over there I jerk my chin at the unit in the corner and pull
03:03the blanket
03:03tighter he doesn't move right away first those heavy eyes drag over me then he comes
03:11the unit sits high on the wall above my headboard my bed right under it the room's small and a
03:18man his
03:18size only makes it smaller he takes one look and frowns get down why should I dig my heels in
03:28though it
03:29sounds hollow the moment it's out two years and this is all I know how to do with him bristle
03:35jab push
03:36back mom remarried he and Kevin moved in and the house stopped being just hers and mine
03:45I came home for the summer wanting some quiet and now I share even my breathing room with this
03:49stranger I can dodge him for an afternoon not for the long line of summers after he doesn't argue
03:59one knee on the edge of the bed and he stretches up toward the unit I shrink into the corner
04:05but the
04:05bed's only so big as he leans the soaped gray tank brushes my shin heat sweat that sun warmed smell
04:12of
04:12him all of it crashing over me at once his arm works a screw overhead the muscle bunching and releasing
04:18inches from my face I hold my breath I don't dare move no one's downstairs mom's still at the store
04:24the whole house is quiet just my sun-baked bedroom door shut sealed off from the rest of the world
04:30the thought sends a hotter prickle up my back up here door closed whatever happens no one below
04:36would know move over he says low his elbow pressing toward me there's nowhere to go his hip is against
04:44my drawn-up knees I'm wedged between him and the wall half of me pressed to his side
04:51I told you I can't get away from you he says glancing down his throat moving goes both ways
04:59he turns it a few times swears says the wiring's fried the whole thing has to come apart the minutes
05:05crawl the room's hot enough to swim in the two of us crammed into this scrap of space neither one
05:10talking my back's to the wall half of me against his sweat damp side the sweat glues us together
05:16skin to skin impossible to peel apart I should be disgusted I'm not I can feel the muscle in his
05:22side
05:23tighten with every turn of the screw that strength soaking through a thin film of sweat into my skin
05:28sinking low in my belly a picture rises before I can stop it if that hand weren't reaching for a
05:33screw overhead but sliding down my waist instead I kill the thought my face burns I hate him I think
05:40of the wedding day him standing there cold not even a hello two years ago I swore I'd never go
05:46soft for
05:46this man not once and right now my thighs are clamping together on their own the wet heat there
05:53is impossible to hide slick sticky mortifying it's the weather I lie to myself that's all just the heat
06:01irritated I try to shift to find room to breathe my knee moves and by accident grazes the inside of
06:09his thigh his hands stop the whole room goes still Becca his voice drops to gravel it travels straight
06:16down my ear into my spine you'd better not move I don't listen my heart slamming and something
06:22hotter than hate eggs me on I push out again elbow digging into his side on purpose the next second
06:27his free hand clamps down on my waist a hand big enough to span half of it too strong to
06:32fight and
06:32it hauls me back against him my gas jams in my throat my back hits his scalding sweat damp chest
06:38his heartbeat through two thin layers of cotton slams into my spine once again
06:47what are you doing I keep my voice down and claw at the arm locked across my waist it's cast
06:53iron it
06:54doesn't give I should break free drive an elbow into him call him a creep bolt downstairs but my body
07:00betrays me it sinks into him fitting against every scalding inch of him I can feel his breathing turn
07:07rough his chest rising and falling at my back he grunts my elbow jabbing his stomach and in the
07:14scramble quit it I won't give in and I'm even more scared he sees through me so I open my
07:21mouth for
07:21another jab nothing comes out his free hand lifts and closes around the front of my throat not hard
07:27but sure steady tipping the back of my head into the hollow of the shoulder every drop of blood in
07:34me runs cold then floods back scalding two years of fighting of cutting each other to the bone and he
07:43never once touched me but now his palm cradles my throat his thumb on the pulse going wild there
07:50and I'm not afraid being held completely in his hand helpless in his grip it turns me to water
07:59I'm in the same hell you are his mouth is at my ear his breath hot and horsey each word
08:04brended in
08:04but you are going to hold still his breath fans against the side of my face no more squirming no
08:13more little whimpers making it worse the hand on my throat tightens a fraction you hear me I try to
08:18nod only then does he ease off I guilt for air my heart wild enough to leap out of my
08:24chest
08:26for a long stretch I stay curled against him not daring to move his arm stays locked around my
08:31waist never once loosening and his thumb against the damp curve of my side moves slow up then down
08:37up then down every drag of it sends a current sliding down to the small of my back I clamp
08:42my
08:42thighs tighter and it only makes the want sharper I want more the thought scares me that's when
08:49downstairs the front door clicks open no no he didn't I call down forcing my voice into its
09:01usual annoyance he's probably off slacking somewhere again a beat of quiet below let me come up and look
09:06at it you can't sit in this heat the staircase creaks taking mom's weight one step my blood goes to
09:13ice
09:13I claw at his arm let go she's coming up let go of me he doesn't worse the hand that's
09:23been resting at
09:23my waist slides painfully slow down the line of my hip over my stomach over the dip of my hip
09:29bone
09:29lower still until it settles squarely over me through the thin fabric already soaked with sweat
09:34and something else my whole body bows tight a sharp high sound rushes up my throat I bite down on
09:39my lip
09:39and swallow it second stare creak he bends his head nose against my scalding ear and through the
09:44soaked fabric his palm grinds down on me not soft not hard once soaked like this and still lying that
09:54no one came up he breathes low and filthy Samir it comes out a plea my voice in pieces please
10:02my mom
10:03his thumb presses again dragging a winner out of me before I can swallow it the hand doesn't move from
10:08where it is scared now third step mom's voice is closer he looks down at me held completely in his
10:16hand every breath a luxury now his eyes lit with something that makes me dizzy he leans to my ear
10:23word by word so how about you let your mom see exactly what you look like right now
10:39Becca why is this locked from the inside
10:45his palm is still on me grinding in that slow punishing way that has me shaking all over
10:50his breath brushes my ear answer her I'm changing I call out my voice in pieces
10:58it's too hot I'm not dressed don't come in mom god this heat hurry up then come down and eat
11:05I got sandwiches and cold pasta salad step by step the stairs let her go soon there's the rustle of
11:12plastic bags the fridge opening and closing the threat ebbs I slump back against him ringed out
11:18gulping air furious and humiliated my eyes burning you're insane you actually would have he doesn't
11:24answer and he doesn't do what I expect doesn't let go and retreat behind the wall we've spent two
11:28years building he just holds me chin on my shoulder silent for a long time long enough that I can
11:34hear
11:34the fridge humming downstairs then he says it low without a trace of his usual sneer I don't want
11:41to let go I go rigid I twist around to look at him two years and I know every cruel
11:50thing he's ever
11:50said to me this wasn't a joke not even close we stay frozen like that downstairs mom's putting
12:00groceries away humming something tuneless the AC's still dead the heat lying thick on my skin
12:07but the heat running through me stopped being the weather a while ago I've been locked against him
12:13too long wound too tight now my lower back and the tops of my thighs start to cramp a deep
12:19dragging ache
12:19like the heaviness before my period I shift in small movements trying to work it loose don't move
12:25he says low but it's not his usual impatience it's horsey careful something I've never heard from him
12:34I shift again can't help it a small noun escapes both his thumbs have come to rest on the outsides
12:43of
12:43my thighs kneading slow back and forth the touch lifts every hair on me but the ache is worse
12:48I bite my lip and admit it my lower back and where my legs meet tense too long it aches
12:56I want to
12:58stretch but you're pinning me I can't move his hands pause on my legs bring your knees his voice drops
13:09lower up onto the bed I twist around to glare at him red-faced and lost Neil Neil how he
13:21pats the
13:21narrow space along his thighs feet here then taps the mattress in front of me knees here when it hits
13:30me what he's asking my face goes up in flames but the ache is unbearable and somehow I do it
13:34his hands settle on my hips and guide me forward easing my feet up one at a time knees spreading
13:39by the time I catch up I'm straddling his lap with my back to him a position so shameful my
13:43toes curl
13:44lean back he draws me against his chest head back on my shoulder my throat's dry and I obey without
13:53knowing why the back of my head finds the hollow of his shoulder my whole spine rising and falling
13:58against his scalding sweat damp chest his hands lock on my hips and slowly he bears down lifting my lower
14:03body arching it back into a deep bow inch by inch my whole torso pulls open the ache I've held
14:09for so
14:09long lets go all at once so good my eyes well up a long moan slips out before I can
14:14stop it
14:20he curses low behind my ear his nose bearing into the side of my neck dragging once hard his breathing
14:26goes racked his hands press in harder deepening the arch once twice open release each one melts the
14:32ache into something else burning up from the base of my spine we hold it for almost a minute before
14:39the arms carrying me start to shake I'm smaller than him but I'm no slip of a girl holding me
14:47up in
14:47midair like this would wear anyone down I'm better now a lie my face burns he grunts and lowers me
14:55back
14:55onto his lap but his hands don't leave my hips I know exactly what it means still straddling him back
15:01turned and for some reason neither of us moves to fix it two years of fighting and this is the
15:06longest we've ever sat together without tearing each other apart that alone unsettles me thanks
15:12I say it at last barely a whisper he hums the stubble on his jaw drags across my cheek with
15:19it and a fine
15:19melting tingle races up my spine I know I have to push it down pretend I didn't feel it
15:26downstairs mom's still busy in the kitchen humming off key his long fingers in time with every breath
15:32I take slowly tighten on my hips the heavy ache starts pulsing back I can't help squirming still
15:40hurts sorry he hesitates then his hands come slowly around from my sides to the front of me drop your
15:49back
15:49down the rasp in his voice impossible to hide now lift your hips a little he pushes my tank up
15:59and
15:59slides both hands into my shorts his squirting thumbs find the two aching knots at the base of my spine
16:05and
16:05press in steady grinding down in slow circles my lips tremble I suck in a breath and a moan I
16:11can't hold
16:12pills out his thumbs circle leaning in harder grinding the stiff ache loose inch by inch I clamp down on
16:17my
16:18tongue downstairs the tap is running mom washing the produce please god she heard nothing he stills
16:23for a few seconds then he knees deeper faster his hands spreading wider outward downward my hips move
16:30with his rhythm on their own his thumbs are too close enough to turn me to water in that place
16:34with
16:34every circle of his hands betrays me getting hotter and hotter Samir his name comes out wrecked soft and
16:42clinging pleasure spreads in waves from where his fingers press melting every ache out of me I bite
16:47my lips between my teeth and strangle the next moan in my throat terrified they'll hear downstairs
16:52below the water surges louder and mom calls up just a few more minutes drowning out every sound I
17:00don't dare make and under that cover his hands the slides one inch lower his breathing changes too
17:08especially the moment he buries his face in the curve of my neck lips against my skin every hair on
17:12my
17:12face stands up my whole spine shivers with that melting tingle then suddenly pulls his hands out
17:16of my shorts a small lost whimper leaks out of me before I can stop it the next second I
17:21want to
17:21disappear into the floor oh god he was just being decent for once working out a cramp and there I
17:27was
17:28panting and windering under his hands making those sounds I must have scared him off this silence
17:34stretches my heart still pounding over his hands over the mouth he'd press to my neck I get ready to
17:41pull away ready to say something ugly and that's when Samir's fingers hook the edge of my shorts and
17:47tug one inch down his warm mouth grazes my ear good girl he breathes low and rough lift your hips
17:55for me
17:56again good girl lift your hips for me again the words land somewhere deep inside me I squeeze my eyes
18:05shut trying to quiet my racing heart and instead I just obey lifting my hips shaking downstairs mom's
18:14voice suddenly rises it hits like a bucket of ice water over my head Samir goes rigid and I snap
18:26awake
18:27what am I doing my mom just got home she's right downstairs and here I am in my own room
18:32straddling
18:32my stepbrother lifting my hips because he told me to shame torches through me I shove his hands off
18:38scramble off his lap yank my shorts up not daring to look back I'm going down Becca he says behind
18:44me
18:44I don't stop but just before I pull the door open I look back at him after all he's on
18:49the wrecked bed
18:50chest heaving hair soaked eyes burning into me not a trace of the usual sneer just something scorching
18:56cut off mid-breath I flee straight down the stairs
19:03I don't taste a single bite of that lunch across from me mom rattles on the store had a sale
19:09the
19:10neighbor's news why is your brother so quiet today I murmur back my whole heart still stuck in that
19:16burning room upstairs Samir sits at the other end eating with his head down silent but I can feel it
19:24every time mom looks away his eyes land on me heavy hot enough that I can barely hold my fork
19:31oh I have to go help your aunt move some things this afternoon she's swamped Becca you rest at home
19:36okay Samir you're home this afternoon if the AC's still not fixed call someone don't let your sister
19:42roast my grip on the fork jumps afternoon house just the two of us my head snaps up right into
19:49his eyes
19:50looking at me past my mother he says nothing just the faintest tip of his mouth aimed at me
19:55and the string in me that just snapped pulls tight again humming
20:01the second mom's out the door the house goes so quiet there's nothing left but my own heartbeat
20:09I shut myself in my room back to the door telling myself I'm going nowhere and opening for no one
20:16this morning's madness never happened I hate him I have to remember I hate him but my body won't obey
20:24just remembering the heat of his palm that good girl and my legs start to give again the stairs crack
20:30step by step taking the weight I can't escape the footsteps stop outside my door open up his voice
20:39comes through the wood low rough leaving no room to refuse no I brace against the door but my voice
20:47is laughably
20:48thin go away I hate you a beat of silence outside
20:56Becca his voice drops to almost nothing each word like it's spoken against my ear
21:01the way you look this morning didn't look like hate my face goes up in flames my heart slamming till
21:08it aches
21:09I stare at my own hand on the lock watch it beyond my control slowly turn it open
21:21the instant the door gives he's through it I step back he steps in and in three strides he's
21:29backs me into the corner one hand braced on the wall by my head caging me between him and the
21:35plaster
21:37heat sweat that scent that's only his everywhere
21:44what you didn't finish saying this morning he bends down nose nearly to mine his breath scalding say
21:50it now say say what whether you hate me he cuts me off a certainty in his voice that lifts
21:58every hair
21:59on me look at me and say it
22:04I lift my eyes to his two years of resentment every I'm fine I ever fed my mother and this
22:10morning's surrender I'd die before admitting all of it jams in my throat the word comes out shaking
22:16apart I he waits eyes locked on me without a blink the hand on the wall corded with tension
22:21I close my eyes and let it go the truth I've held for two years and the last of my
22:25dignity with it
22:26I don't know I hear my own voice tremble I just know don't let go again his breath catches
22:33the next second he's kissing me pressing me into the wall
22:43we both freeze his mouth still on mine my fists still in his tank both of us breathing hard
22:49chest against rising chest one wall and one staircase away my mother's ordinary afternoon
22:56voice knowing nothing it cracks through me like thunder jolting me out of the heat that was about
23:01to swallow me whole I shove him off frantically fixing my clothes and my breath my voice shaking
23:08as I call down they're they're on the entry table just grab them mom got him okay I'm off
23:17the whole house sinks back into scalding silence I lean against the wall legs too weak to hold me
23:24and look up at him he's looking back and what's churning in his eyes burns hotter than the 98 degree
23:29day
23:30neither of us says a word but we both know that near miss one wall away didn't put us out
23:37it lit something for good the summer's only just begun
23:42and this door of mine will never quite shut again
23:48that night at dinner I can barely sit still the ac finally got fixed that afternoon the four of us
23:54around
23:54the table mom on my left busy topping off everyone's plate kevin across from me head down over his food
24:00and samir right at my side on the surface everything's normal mom rattles on about the neighbors kevin grunts
24:06now and then some dull reevoi playing in the background I stare at my plate trying to look
24:10like I have at every meal for two years at war with the stepbrother beside me too disdainful to spare
24:15him a glance but under the tablecloth it's another world his hand has settled on my knee my fork stops
24:19in
24:20midair I try to brush him off without a flicker on my face he doesn't budge his palm is hot
24:25enough to feel
24:25through my dress slowly he slides it an inch up my thigh oh mom speaks up and I nearly come
24:33out of my chair
24:34is the ac all sorted did your brother do okay up there in that exact second his hand climbs another
24:39half inch
24:40stops high on my thigh and presses down with meaning like he knows precisely what he's doing to me
24:45I grip my fork and force my voice flat as dead water hmm it's fine passable passable samir's
24:53coughs beside me cold as if we're actually fighting not even turning his head still as ungrateful as
24:58ever above the table were still the step siblings who can't share a room beneath it his thumb grinds
25:04slow circles into the inside of my thigh through the dress I stab at something and shove it in my
25:09mouth
25:09without tasting it my face is burning I gulp water to put it out but my throat's bone dry
25:16I set down my fork my voice unsteady mom I'll go get something to drink I'm practically fleeing as I
25:23stand and as I turn for the kitchen I see it clearly Samir in no hurry at all setting down
25:31his fork too
25:33a half wall counter separates the kitchen from the dining room back to the doorway I grip the counter
25:39shut my eyes and breathe deep trying to push down the heat in my face and the chaos in my
25:44chest
25:45behind me the floor gives the flattest creak before I can turn two hands brace the counter's
25:51edge caging me between him and the counter his chest against my back his chin on my shoulder
25:56his voice barely there breath brushing my ear running from what you're insane I grip the counter hardly
26:04daring to make a sound right there one ball away I know he laughs low the vibration traveling down my
26:11spine into me he touches nothing else just drags his nose painfully slow over the skin behind my ear
26:17so you'll have to hold it in same as under the table just now every drop of blood in me
26:22rushes to my
26:23face from the living room the tv the on and off murmur of mom and kevin drifts over clear as
26:29day
26:29close enough that one lifted head one turn
26:33my breath shakes he leans closer pressing me into the cold counter's edge his voice full of knowing
26:40amusement shaking like this are you scared of getting caught he pauses we're scared i'll stop
26:50i can't answer because i don't have an answer to either from the dining room comes the scrape of a
26:57chair leg on the floor becca mom calls the drinks are on the bottom shelf of the fridge can't you
27:04find them we both go still found found them i blurred it squeezing out from between him and the
27:12counter yanking open the bottom shelf grabbing two sparkling waters at random only when the cold
27:18bottles hit my scalding palms do i get a sliver of my mind back
27:24samir steps back unhurried and pulls a beer from the fridge as if he weren't the one who just had
27:30me prin to the counter i carry the water back to the table my legs still unsteady but this time
27:38mom
27:39doesn't pick her chatter back up she sets down her forks and look between me and samir from my flushed
27:47face to the faint mark on the side of his neck i only now notices left there at some point
27:51i can't
27:52place you too she says slowly her tone impossible to read why aren't you fighting today the air locks
28:00kevin looks up too my heart pounds in my ears two years and we've never had a quiet meal at
28:05this table
28:05today's silence is the biggest tell of all fight about what samir says it first flat as if he's
28:11remarking on the weather can't be bothered with her exactly i jump in chin up packing every ounce of
28:19panic into the familiar jab like i'd want to talk to him mom watches us for a long time
28:28then she smiles and picks her fork back up good we're family no need to be at each other's throats
28:37all the time but the moment she looks down i catch kevin's eyes he says nothing just lingers a
28:42thoughtful second on that faint mark on his son's neck under the table samir's knee bumps mine very
28:48lightly as if to say careful and also this isn't over that night i can't sleep turning over and over
28:58not just from the unspent restlessness humming under my skin all night
29:02from mom's look at the table and kevin's one second pause two fine needles in the softest part of my
29:09chest i start thinking things i've never let myself think what if we get caught
29:20to marry kevin mom rebuilt her whole life from when i was 16 sold the old house moved to this
29:27strange
29:27city learned at 40 to be a newlywed again so carefully she tried to weld two families into one home
29:35and here i am planting a bomb under it in the most unforgivable way there is
29:41i hate samir that's what i've told myself and told my mother for two years now i finally see it
29:48that
29:49hate was laced with something else from the start i hated him barging in because i couldn't stop
29:58looking at him i went toe to toe with him because it was the only way i dared get close
30:03i dressed up my wanting as loathing and kept it up for two whole years until i nearly believed it
30:09myself
30:11in the hall the floor creaks
30:15my doorknob turns very lightly locked
30:20then a small folded note slides in under the door
30:26barefoot i slip off the bed pick it up unfold it in the moonlight
30:34samir's handwriting one line they're both out tomorrow all day i hold the note standing on the
30:42cold floor my heart nearly bursting through my chest outside not a breath of summer wind
30:49and i know perfectly clearly tomorrow i won't lock the door by early the next morning the house is
30:57empty mom and kevin head out with their bags to help my aunt move on the way mom pokes her
31:03head up
31:03the stairs sort out your own lunch there's food in the fridge then the garage door rumbles down
31:08and the engine fades then the whole house is quiet enough that all that's left is my own breathing
31:15i don't lock the door i lie on the bed staring at the ceiling and hear his door open downstairs
31:24footsteps step by step climbing slow
31:28stopping outside mine the knob turns it opens samir stands in the doorway backlit by the window
31:35and looks at me a long time neither of us speaks two years of friction last night's note the empty
31:43house silence all of it pressed into these few steps between us come here i hear myself say it soft
31:52but
31:53without a shred of hesitation
31:57he crosses to me sits on the end of the bed and tucks a damp strand of hair behind my
32:02ear
32:04a gesture too gentle to be his
32:07i thought about it all night i look at him and finish the sentence i've hidden for two years
32:13i don't hate you i never really did his throat works he leans down forehead to mine
32:22our breaths tangling same
32:26his voice is almost too hosky to hear
32:30from the day you stood at that wedding at 16 and glared at me i was done for
32:36he kisses me
32:39this time there are no footsteps below no voice about to call us no threat waiting to puncture everything
32:46just a room full of summer light and two people who don't have to pretend anymore
32:52the camera holds outside the drawn curtains
32:56for the next few days we live inside a stolen scalding bubble
33:00by day the parents are at work and the house is ours but the sweeter it gets the tighter the
33:05string
33:06in me pulls because i know this bubble is borrowed and sooner or later it comes due
33:11the faint mark on samir's neck fades and a new one takes its place he keeps saying it's fine but
33:17i start checking his collar before every meal without thinking and checking my own face
33:23we relearn how to bicker at the table except now every jab is a code only the two of us
33:29can read
33:31the change starts on a saturday mom suddenly doesn't go in she sits on the living room couch watching
33:38samir and me come down the stairs one after the other something in her eyes i can't read
33:46becca she pats the seat beside her sit keep me company a minute samir's step hitches almost
33:53imperceptibly before he keeps going toward the kitchen i sit my heart's going wild
34:04i don't know what i'm going to do
34:05lately mom takes my hand her voice light but every word a hundred pounds is something weighing on you
34:14half the blood drains out of me no i manage a smile what would i have on my mind mom
34:20looks at
34:20me a long time then lets out a soft sigh when you were 16 i moved us here and you
34:25hated me for a long
34:26time her eyes drift to the window i know for my own happiness i pulled you up by the roots
34:31from
34:31everything familiar dropped you into a strange house gave you a strange brother
34:40all these years i felt i owed you my throat tightens i can't speak i just want you to be
34:46happy becca
34:46she turns back her eyes shining really happy not to put on i'm fine you show me in that instant
34:55i
34:55almost tell her everything almost lay it all out two years of pretending these scalding few days the
35:02knot of joy and fear tangled in my chest but i look at that careful light in her eyes the
35:07light of a
35:08woman who gave everything for this family and i swallow the words
35:17i'm happy mom i hug her bury my face in her shoulder my voice shaking really
35:26at the foot of the stairs samir stair stands holding two glasses of water motionless
35:34he heard he heard all of it
35:43that night another note slides under my door
35:48this one is four words we need to talk
35:58we meet in the garage out back the one place in this house the parents won't think of and can't
36:04hear this can't keep going or it'll blow up samir leans against the workbench his voice heavy your
36:10face today your mom will see through it sooner or later so what do you want to do i cross
36:14my arms my
36:15voice sharp even as my heart drops i don't know for once he looks at a loss dragging a hand
36:24down his face
36:25i just know i don't want to keep you hidden turn you into some secret that can't see daylight
36:31you shouldn't have to be that i freeze but what can we do my voice trembles tell them becca and
36:38samir
36:38the step siblings are together picture my mom's face she welded two families into one home and it
36:44cost her everything one sentence from us and it all shatters the garage goes quiet only the light
36:52overhead buzzing what if he says suddenly looking at me his eyes frighteningly serious we weren't step
36:59siblings what do you mean
37:03in september i start the project out in tucson my own place my own life word by word i won't
37:10live in
37:11this house anymore we won't be siblings under one roof once the dust settles once you graduate too
37:19we can start over as something we don't have to hide i look at him my heart aching with each
37:25beat
37:25it's the first time i realize he isn't after this stolen summer he's after the after
37:35but some things don't wait for you to be ready
37:39it's a tuesday evening i think the house is empty and come out of the bathroom and nothing but a
37:45towel
37:46and there's samir waiting in the hall he backs me to the wall forehead to mine both of us grinning
37:52like kids who swiped candy neither of us hear kevin's car home early below or his footsteps on the
38:08samir the instant his father's voice sounds from the end of the hall the whole world stops we spring
38:15apart too late kevin stands at the top of the stairs looking at his son half wrapped around
38:22me in a towel his son's hand still at my waist and his face freezes then breaks inch by inch
38:30what are you two doing no music to cover it
38:37no door to block it no excuse that holds this time we're truly seen
38:48that night is the longest of my life kevin calls mom home the four of us sit in the living
38:55room under a
38:56harsh white light mom's face goes from confusion to disbelief to something i'll never forget heartbreak
39:05how long mom i asked how long
39:13this summer
39:15samir speaks first stepping in front of me as if to shield me
39:21i started it blame me no
39:26i grab his hand my voice shaking but holding not just him us mom i know this is hard to
39:35take
39:36we're not blood but we became siblings inside your marriage to kevin
39:42i know how absurd that is how much it hurts mom covers her face her shoulders shaking hard
39:49kevin can't get out a single word just stares at the floor i spent two years pretending to hate him
39:56because i knew from the start it was wrong but mom i can't keep pretending in the living room all
40:02that's left is mom stifled crying in that moment i finally understand what a price is it isn't the
40:07thrill of getting caught it's watching the person you love most break because of you
40:14for the next two weeks the house is frozen over mom barely speaks to me
40:21not anger the harder kind of silence kevin moves into the study to sleep samir moves up his transfer
40:29to tucson and we agree until the dust settles neither of us crosses a single line it's the penance we
40:37set
40:37for ourselves i think this is how the family splits apart the bomb i planted with my own hands finally
40:46went off but one night going down for water i find mom alone in the kitchen two untouched cups of
40:52tea in
40:53front of her sit i sit and wait for the verdict when i was 19
41:05i fell for someone everyone said i shouldn't my mother your grandmother wouldn't speak to me for
41:11three years i thought i'd long forgotten that feeling knowing it in your heart and not being
41:17able to tell a soul i'm not giving you my blessing she looks at me exhaustion struggle and a small
41:24loosening i need time kevin needs more this may not be fixable and you should be ready for that
41:33but i won't force you to keep playing i'm fine anymore my tears come all at once it isn't forgiveness
41:41but it's a beginning
41:45in september samir moves out we don't say goodbye in secret
41:49in front of mom and kevin he loads the last box into the car then comes to me and under
41:55both their
41:55eyes says it plainly i'll wait for this family to take its time for you to graduate i won't rush
42:01it
42:02but i won't pretend none of this happened either kevin turns his face away and says nothing but he
42:07doesn't stop it mom stands on the porch arms around himself watching us after a long moment she gives the
42:12faint barely perceptible nod the car pulls away that stolen scalding summer is over but strangely i
42:20don't feel the emptiness i expected because this time his leaving isn't running isn't an ending it's
42:25the two of us choosing together the harder road we can walk in the open i turn to go in
42:31mom stops me
42:33at the door hesitates then reaches out to smooth the hair the wind has must the same gesture exactly as
42:40that morning two months ago except this time neither of us have to pretend anymore
42:47what follows is a long year samir in tucson me at school
42:55we keep it clean almost like we're meeting each other for the first time calls texts the occasional
43:01weekend at a cafe where no one knows us like two ordinary adults finally doing this right
43:08the ice at home melts slowly kevin gives first one thanksgiving at the table he asks for the first
43:19time unprompted how's samir doing and something starts to seep into mom's silence too she begins
43:27asking if i'm okay and when she asks her eyes are really on me not every story gets a clean
43:34tidy
43:34forgiveness our family welded its cracks back together inch by patient inch some places will always carry
43:41the scar but a scar is proof of healing too
43:51the next summer i graduate
43:57on graduation day mom and kevin are in the audience
44:02and beside them at a respectable distance samir
44:10there is someone who doesn't have to hide anymore
44:15that summer is brutally hot again i moved to tucson a small apartment a 10 minute walk from samir's place
44:23we don't live together mom said to take it slow and we both agreed
44:29on moving day the ac breaks
44:33i collapse among the boxes dizzy with heat and somehow think of that identical afternoon two years ago
44:40lying in a stifling room hating a man unable to stop pressing my thighs together i laugh out loud
44:48then i pick up my phone and text him my ac's broken over here
44:54minutes later familiar footsteps come up the stairs step by step
45:02the doors unlock he stands in the doorway toolbox in hand gray tank hair soaked at the forehead identical
45:10to the first glimpse of him that summer except this time he isn't the stranger who barged into my life
45:15and took my mother and he isn't the stepbrother i have to pretend to hate where's it broken
45:22i look at him the man i resisted with two years of pretending and then fought for with all the
45:26honesty i had after and the thing that caught fire in me that scalding summer burns now steady and sure
45:34come here come here i'll show you
45:39outside the window summer is just beginning
45:42in the morning and this time we have all the time in the world
45:48you
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