- 11 hours ago
Abandoned on a Snow Mountain, I Became a Tycoon's Obsession Asian TV
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Short filmTranscript
00:05:25You think you've won.
00:05:28You have money.
00:05:29You have a name.
00:06:02Still posturing.
00:06:33A man who can be picked up by you.
00:06:56I cut her off.
00:08:56You're welcome.
00:08:58tray table at my elbow two wire transferals both routed through the same delaware shell both signed
00:09:02at the receiving end by our snow the amounts were not enormous 84 000 112 000 both wired in the
00:09:07last
00:09:0714 months both dated to weeks reagan had been listed on preston's expedition minest as a junior
00:09:11research 84 000 for what equipment line item a piece of sonar gear that was never delivered
00:09:17she's 26 she's 26 on paper her undergrad was an internship at a foundation in connecticut
00:09:24whose director sat on three of preston's grant review panels she wasn't his accident she was his hire
00:09:32she was his hire
00:09:36how long have you known since the second wire cleared four months
00:09:46i was building i needed the chain to be unbreakable if you'd come to me sooner i'd have moved sooner
00:09:56i didn't know to come to you
00:09:58i know a nurse pushed open the door look at my face looked at the tray of documents looked at
00:10:02damon and quietly backed out damon picked up a fresh sheet from the bottom of the stack he turned it
00:10:06so i could see it was a screen grab of a private social media account locked one of two followers
00:10:10the western handle of a core counter the hand was not mine the post was dated two years before reagan
00:10:15had supposedly emailed preston out of the blue the pin post was a photograph of preston and
00:10:19cross and true seat her hand been invincible the wound throbbed once i let it damien she's been with
00:10:27him for at minimum three years three years three years was an entire fellowship cycle three years
00:10:36was a lab move three years was every conference where preston had told me he was too overwhelmed to
00:10:41bring me as a guest three years was the time during which i had been planning a wedding in my
00:10:45head
00:10:45while writing his grants in my hand i picked the photograph back up the hand on preston's cheek
00:10:51had a small mark at the wrist the same shape as a beauty mark reagan had very pale almost invisible
00:10:57against her skin i had once told her that mark was lovely she had told me she hated it
00:11:06how long until the audit drops friday three days how long until the criminal complaint files
00:11:14riley pope has already been brought in for questioning by the u.s attorney's office
00:11:17preston he'll be charged tuesday federal jurisdiction the beacon falls under interstate field safety
00:11:22regulations reagan reagan is more delicate the wires are evidence of fraud the relationship is
00:11:27evidence of motive the recording is evidence of intent but she'll lawyer up fast i expect her to
00:11:31flip on preston by the end of next week and the academic side marsh's ethics committee convenes
00:11:36wednesday at his university we are providing the audit the recording and the wires outcome is
00:11:40predictable he'll be stripped of his appointment his doctoral supervision rights his five most recent
00:11:45publications and the federal grant he was about to sign reaves dami did not blink reaves has known
00:11:52about the embezzlement for at least two years i closed my eyes he nominated you for the independent
00:11:56fellowship in part to diffuse internal questions about who your name kept appearing on the foundation
00:12:01paperwork and never on the bylines that's why he called me that's why a door opened i opened my eyes
00:12:06my father was standing in the doorway eyes red coats till on the wrinkles on his face deeper than i
00:12:11remembered you damien stood up he stopped two feet from damien and put both hands on damien did not
00:12:16look at me as he passed thank you my father had not cried in front of me since my mother's
00:12:20funeral he
00:12:21did not cry now exactly but he sat on the edge of my bed and held my left hand the
00:12:25one with damien's
00:12:26signet still on the forefinger and he did not let go for a long time don't talk he held my
00:12:31hand
00:12:31have to sloan don't talk he looked at the signet he looked at damien standing very still by the
00:12:36window how long 20 years sir i know that i mean the ring five days dad nodded once slow
00:12:53the pierces boy the one who used to follow sloan around the orchard at thanksgiving
00:12:58and pretend he didn't care if she shared her dessert yes sir dad almost smiled i told your
00:13:06father at the time told him what sir that you were going to be the kind of man who ran
00:13:11out of
00:13:11things to fear by the age of 30 he didn't believe me he was wrong sweetheart
00:13:26the foundation is mine again as of this morning the board approved a clean break from the marsh
00:13:33laboratory and all of his ongoing projects the audit will be public when it drops your name will
00:13:40be cleared as of friday morning the donor wall in cambridge will be re-engraved with your sole
00:13:46credit on the whitfield climate initiative dad that's that's seven years of your life sloan
00:13:52not a favor he pressed my hand he stood up he kissed my forehead the way he had when i
00:13:58was a child
00:13:59home from school with strep i'm gonna step outside and let you rest i'll be in the hall i'll be
00:14:07in
00:14:07the hall he looked at damien crane sir when she's better we talk yes sir
00:14:18the door closed
00:14:22i looked at damien i had known him for a long time he gave you permission he sat back down
00:14:29on the edge
00:14:29of the bed he didn't have to i never asked him for any
00:14:36but yes he did
00:14:40i'll wait until you're ready
00:14:43for what he almost smiled not quite everything
00:15:00friday morning the audit drop it hit the internet at 6 a.m eastern a leak coordinated presumably by
00:15:06damien's communications team went to a science investigative reporter at a respected outlet
00:15:11by 8 the headline had been picked up by every major u s paper by 10 the hashtag was trending
00:15:16garcia
00:15:17walked into my room with a tablet and a tray of fresh squeezed orange juice 216 articles since six
00:15:23she tapped the screen glaciotology star falls in whitefield foundation fraud probe inside the
00:15:30regling cover-up i scrolled photographs of preston photographs of the rangel camp a still from the radio
00:15:36archive showing the time stamp on preston's order to disable my beacon a photograph of the equipment
00:15:42crate i had spent the night inside with claw marks down the side taken by a federal investigator the
00:15:47morning after my evacuation the comments were brutal if this is what academic excellence looks like
00:15:52this man let his girlfriend bleed in the snow for a grant the deputy who turned off her beacon
00:15:58should be in handcuffs by lunch i scrolled until i found reagan she had preempted the audit
00:16:04sloan whitfield could have died cry harder i closed the tablet how is preston taking it he has
00:16:12not been seen leaving his apartment the university has placed him on administrative leave pending
00:16:16wednesday's hearing riley pope has been charged he pleaded out 18 months federal with cooperation
00:16:21reagan snow's lawyer issued a statement at 7 a.m claiming she will fully co-op
00:16:25reeves dr reeves announced his retirement at 6 30 effective immediately the university accepted within
00:16:31the hour i exhaled the wound did not mind anymore in a meeting he'll be back at noon he left
00:16:37this for
00:16:37you she slid a small white card onto the tray i picked it up by saturday i was sitting upright
00:16:43in
00:16:43a chair by the window by sunday i was walking the corridor twice a day with a nurse at my
00:16:48elbow
00:16:48by monday they had moved me out of the icu and into a regular suite on the 14th floor
00:16:53where the view stretched all the way down across the east river the flowers had started arriving friday
00:16:58afternoon and had not stopped the first arrangement was from my graduate school cohort the second from
00:17:03the foundation board the third and this one had made me sit up from the chair of the national
00:17:07science foundation who had written a personal note saying he had been appalled and that i should
00:17:11consider when i was well enough picking up the principal investigator role on the project
00:17:15that had been preston's the fourth came with no card you're upright i'm upright how does it feel
00:17:23like i have a hole in my chest but a much smaller one than yesterday he almost smiled from you
00:17:33narcissus from the lake house
00:17:38damien he met my eyes how long
00:17:44the flower since you were 12 not the flower he sat on the edge of the bed i sat with
00:17:51that
00:17:51sloan 20 years i was 29 20 years that meant when i had cried to him about my freshman year
00:17:57boyfriend at 16 he had already known that meant every time over the long stretch of years he had
00:18:01appeared at the edge of my life with the precise timing of a person who was paying very close
00:18:04attention without ever announcing himself i looked at the signet on my left hand
00:18:11damien
00:18:16why didn't you ever say damien took a long time to answer the light from the window had begun to
00:18:21thin
00:18:22the kind of new york winter dusk that turns everything blue when you were 12 you were 12 there was
00:18:27nothing
00:18:27to say when you were 16 you were dating that boy you were happy there was nothing to say when
00:18:34you were
00:18:3419 you came home from college and told me you'd met a graduate student named preston marsh
00:18:40you want to know what i thought of him i told you he was fine you told me he was
00:18:47fine he wasn't
00:18:49fine i knew he wasn't fine but you wanted permission you were not asking me what i thought of him
00:18:58you were asking me to bless what you had already decided you blessed it anyway
00:19:04i blessed it anyway why he looked down at his hands because if i'd said no you have done it
00:19:10anyway and i would have lost you for the next decade instead of being able to sit across a holiday
00:19:13table
00:19:13from you twice a year i made a calculation the calculation was wrong he looked up i would
00:19:22have made a different one if i had known known what that he would put a hole in your chest
00:19:29the room
00:19:30held the sentence i felt the wound stir it did not hurt the same way anymore it hurt differently
00:19:34like something was being said through it and not done to it it wasn't his hole it was an ice
00:19:40shard
00:19:40it was his hole he left you with it he turned off your beacon he drove away he did not
00:19:46soften the
00:19:47statement the shape of the wound is ice full and you crossed the country the cause of the wound is
00:19:52preston marsh i would have crossed any country damien he did not look away
00:20:04i'm not gonna forgive him i know i'm not gonna take him back i know
00:20:11i am however going to need a minute
00:20:19i've spent a lifetime waiting for you sloan
00:20:25take all the time you need he stood he bent forward his lips brushed my forehead light the
00:20:30way an older brother might the way a person who had been disciplined about a feeling for a very long
00:20:34time might when the door was finally cracked open i have a meeting at 7. i'll be back at 9.
00:20:38damien
00:20:41don't be late he almost smiled he left the narcissist on the windowsill held their pale yellow in the
00:20:48blue light tuesday afternoon preston was arraigned i did not watch the live stream gossier told me about
00:20:55it after the fact sitting in the chair by my bed with her tablet face down on her knee she
00:21:00summarized in
00:21:00her efficient neutral voice the same voice she used to read me the morning's flower deliveries
00:21:05preston had been processed through the federal courthouse in lower manhattan
00:21:09the charges were read loud federal embezzlement and wire fraud knowingly dissaying a fellow team
00:21:15members emergency equipment in a hazardous environment and falsification of federal grant documentation
00:21:37the prosecution had pointed to the whitfield foundation audit and to a passport that on
00:21:42inspection contained a sealed visa for a country with no extradition treaty his bail was set at 1
00:21:48million dollars his attorney argued he was not a flight risk the prosecution pointed to the audit and
00:21:54to a passport with a visa for a country with no extradition treaty bail remained at 1 million dollars his
00:22:00passport was revoked how did he look smaller smaller at faculty fundraisers he carried himself like a
00:22:09man waiting to be the smartest in any room today he carried himself like a man waiting to be told
00:22:14what
00:22:14to do she set the tablet on the bedside table mr crane wants me to tell you wednesday's ethics committee
00:22:20hearing has been moved to 10 a.m the university requested that you attend by video link you may decline
00:22:26i'll attend mr crane suspected you would
00:22:32she rose is there anything else miss whitfield one thing reagan she has not been arraigned the u.s
00:22:40attorney's office is finalizing terms she will testify against preston and dr reeves she will not be
00:22:46testifying against you she will likely receive limited immunity on the fraud charges a deferred prosecution
00:22:51agreement community service and a permanent bar from federally funded research she still has her
00:22:57social media she still has her social media the court cannot regulate that that's fine let her have
00:23:04it mr crane will be displeased mr crane will live garcia paused halfway to the door garcia tilted her head
00:23:12a fraction she almost laughed she left i lay back against the pillows and watched the narcissist tilt
00:23:17slowly toward the late afternoon sun wednesday morning 10 a m garcia rolled in a portable monitor
00:23:22on a tray and angled it toward the bed the ethics committee at preston's university convened on
00:23:27screen seven chairs around a heavy wood table in a paneled room i had been inside once during my own
00:23:32thesis defense when reeves had introduced me as one of his students reeves was not at the table today
00:23:37he had retired friday morning the chair of the committee a tall woman in her 60s whose hair was
00:23:42twisted into a low knot open the proceedings mr marsh do you have anything to say before we begin
00:23:48preston rose from his seat at the foot of the table he had aged a decade and five days the
00:23:53polished hair
00:23:53was unkempt the pressed shirt was open at the collar without a tie i do his voice was flatter than
00:23:59i had
00:23:59ever heard it whatever the committee decides i accept i acknowledge the irregularities in the funding
00:24:07records of the regling expedition i acknowledged the irregularities in the authorship history of the
00:24:12manuscripts under review on the day of the avalanche i did not handle the evacuation of my team as i
00:24:19should have the chair did not soften i accept the consequences of those choices the committee has
00:24:25reviewed the audit the field radio archive the wire records and the personal contribution log of sloan
00:24:31whitston the committee has also reviewed the statement obtained this morning under cooperation
00:24:36agreement from riley pope do you acknowledge that you transmitted a radio instruction to disable
00:24:44sloan whitfiles emergency locator the room is very still i do
00:24:55at the time you transmitted that instruction were you aware that sloan whitston was injured
00:25:01and at the edge of the camp perimeter i do mr marsh the committee finds the following
00:25:13you have engaged in academic misconduct of the most serious kind your conduct on the day of the avalanche
00:25:21endangered the life of a fellow expedition member the body of work submitted under your sole authorship for
00:25:28the past four years contains substantial material taken from the unpublished work of sloan whitnick
00:25:33without consent or attribution
00:25:39the committee recommends that your tenure be revoked your doctoral supervision rights be terminated
00:25:44and the five most recent publications under your name be retracted you be permanently barred from
00:25:48holding any federally funded academic appointment the regular climate proxies grant should be revoked and
00:25:54the funds returned do you wish to respond preston was silent for a long time no then he sat back
00:26:02down
00:26:07the chair rose the committee rose with her this hearing is adjourned the screen went black
00:26:17i sat for a moment in the dim hospital room garcia rolled the monitor away
00:26:26it's done
00:26:29it's done
00:26:38he came on thursday not by appointment there's a man at security in the lobby asking to see you
00:26:43he's same he said his name was preston marsh i had told garcia he said he doesn't expect you to
00:26:49say yes
00:26:51let him up that i would receive him i had thought about it carefully i had thought about it the
00:26:55way
00:26:55damien thought about a chain of evidence not for spite not for forgiveness but to close the circuit
00:27:00i had spent seven years inside that circuit i needed to walk out under my own power damien was in
00:27:05a
00:27:05meeting on the other side of town i had not told him i had agreed to this i had not
00:27:10told him i had
00:27:10not agreed to this either the door opened preston stood in the doorway he did not come in he looked
00:27:15exactly as he had on the video feed except smaller somehow in person the way garcia had said the
00:27:20charcoal suit replaced by jeans and a sweater that did not fit him quite right the glass is askew
00:27:34sloan get up i won't i'm not asking he stayed where he was i came to apologize
00:27:43he breathed in once at once i owe you an apology i cannot make in two pages i wrote it
00:27:51badly
00:27:53every grant every piece of equipment every late night
00:27:59i knew i always knew i told myself a story about it that let me sleep
00:28:05and the night of the avalanche i told riley to turn off the beacon
00:28:12i told myself the whitfields would send a plane i told myself you would always have a way out
00:28:21that's what i told myself so leaving you in the snow had no consequence
00:28:33that's what i told myself that's what i told myself the room held it i let it hold
00:28:49preston he looked up get off the floor
00:28:55i won't you will because this is my room in my hospital in my city and i'm telling you to
00:29:03he got
00:29:03off the floor he stood near the foot of my bed three things hands at his sides head still bowed
00:29:08one
00:29:09i am not retracting any of the charges the federal case will proceed your career will not survive it
00:29:16that is not negotiable i haven't two i will not be writing a victim impact statement that asks the
00:29:25court for leniency i will be writing one that asks the court to apply the full weight of the statute
00:29:31you are free to write your own you are free to ask dr revils to write his own understood
00:29:38three
00:29:41i looked at him for a long time he had once been a man i would have crossed any distance
00:29:46to please
00:29:47there had been a year possibly two when i had organized my entire life around the question of
00:29:52what preston would think i looked at him now and i felt nothing not contempt not pity not love not
00:29:58even
00:29:59anger a clean nothing the way you might look at a coat you wore through college hanging in the back
00:30:03of a closet and feel surprised that you had ever fit into it
00:30:11i do not accept it
00:30:17not because it isn't sincere today it might be i think it might be what i have learned in seven
00:30:25years
00:30:25of you is that your sincerity is a renewable resource it comes back every time the consequences arrive
00:30:33it always sound the same it always asks the same thing which is for me to absorb the cost i'm
00:30:40done
00:30:41absorbing the cost
00:30:45you will live with what you did
00:30:48i will not be helping you live with it for a moment i thought he might say something more some
00:30:53version of the speech refine now to its purest form that he had been delivering to me in fragments for
00:30:58seven years he didn't he closed his eyes once he opened them i understand he walked to the door in
00:31:04the
00:31:04doorway he paused he did not look back sloan yes be happy
00:31:13the door closed behind him i sat alone in the hospital suite with the late afternoon light
00:31:18moving slowly across the floor i waited to feel something after a long time i noticed what i felt
00:31:23was the absence of something a weight i had been carrying since the year i was 22. for seven years
00:31:29i
00:31:29carried that weight i turned my life into a project just to be seen i piled up my efforts as
00:31:36evidence
00:31:37but i don't need to be seen by him anymore
00:31:42when i had decided that the rest of my life was going to be a project of making one specific
00:31:47man
00:31:47see me it was no longer there i picked up my phone i texted damien come back when you can
00:31:54he answered
00:31:55within 10 seconds on my way damien did not knock the door to my hospital suite opened 12 minutes after
00:32:02preston walked out of it and damien stood in the doorway with snow still melting on his shoulders
00:32:06he did not look at me first he looked at the chair where preston had been kneeling he looked
00:32:10at the spot on the carpet where preston's knees had pressed two indentations he looked at the trace
00:32:15of cologne preston's faint civilians still hanging in the air he crossed the room in five strides
00:32:36his thumbs moved across my cheekbones my temples the line of my jaw checking
00:32:42the way a person checks a child after they have fallen
00:32:49i should not have left this morning i asked garcia to let him up
00:32:56i know she called me on the drive back i broke three traffic laws damien i would have broken 30
00:33:10look at me
00:33:19i had not in all the time i had known him seen damien crane afraid of anything not his father
00:33:26not his mother not a boardroom not a press conference not the leverage held over him by
00:33:32half of manhattan he was afraid now he was afraid that i had spent 12 minutes in a room with
00:33:38the man i
00:33:39had loved for seven years and that 12 minutes was all it took for me to forgive him
00:33:45i told him no i know i told him to leave
00:33:53i know i am not going back to him he closed his eyes he pressed his forehead to mine he
00:34:00stayed there
00:34:01breathing for a long time
00:34:09slone
00:34:11i am about to be very selfish
00:34:14be selfish
00:34:17i do not want to leave this room again
00:34:20then don't
00:34:23he did not
00:34:34he did not sleep that night the chair he pulled up to my bed was leather and too small
00:34:40he folded himself into it anyway he held my left hand inside both of his and watched the heart
00:34:45monitor as if it might lie if he looked away sometime around 3 a.m i pretended to be asleep
00:34:51just to see what he would do he stood up he walked to the window he looked out at the
00:34:56east river for 10
00:34:57minutes he turned back he stood at the foot of the bed and watched my chest rise and fall
00:35:02counting with the precision of a man who had once counted my pulse on a medevac then he came back
00:35:08to the chair he leaned in he pressed his lips very lightly to the inside of my wrist where the
00:35:13ivy line
00:35:14went in he whispered into my skin
00:35:31i am sorry i did not come sooner
00:35:36when
00:35:40you were awake
00:35:41sooner when damien
00:35:49eight years ago
00:36:10he looked at the signet on my fourth finger
00:36:18i bought this a long time ago
00:36:21this ring
00:36:22this ring
00:36:25for me
00:36:26for the day i stopped waiting
00:36:30i waited far longer than i should have i am not waiting an hour longer than i have to
00:36:35damien
00:36:37hmm
00:36:39what are you telling me
00:36:41he met my eyes
00:36:47i am telling you that the rest of my life starts at sunrise
00:36:50when you walk out of this hospital you walk into my house
00:36:59and you do not walk out of it again unless i am holding the door
00:37:06the next person who tries to take you from me will spend the rest of his life regretting it
00:37:26faster
00:37:27good
00:37:35discharge day
00:37:36damien did not let a nurse touch me
00:37:38he sent the wheelchair away
00:37:40he sent the orderly away
00:37:42he scooped me out of the bed with one arm under my knees and one behind my shoulders and carried
00:37:47me
00:37:47slowly the length of the corridor to the elevator
00:37:50i had walked
00:37:51by then
00:37:52the length of that corridor on my own three times
00:37:55i did not need to be carried
00:37:56i did not object
00:37:58the elevator opened in the underground garage
00:38:01a black idled
00:38:02he set me down only long enough to open the door
00:38:05and then he lifted me again into the back seat as if the act of placing me there himself was
00:38:09something he could not delegate
00:38:10garcia in the front passenger seat did not turn around the pulled out
00:38:15damien did not let go of my hand on the drive uptown
00:38:28i bought the building
00:38:31which building
00:38:32my building
00:38:33i own the penthouse i bought the rest of it last month
00:38:36all of it
00:38:37all of it
00:38:38all of it
00:38:39why
00:38:41i did not want strangers across a wall from you
00:38:46damien
00:38:51the other residents have been compensated above market
00:38:53they had 90 days to relocate
00:38:55the last unit cleared on friday
00:38:57the building is empty except for the staff i vetted
00:39:01and the floor i am going to put your father on if he wants it
00:39:04my father has a house
00:39:06he has a house
00:39:07he may also have the eighth floor
00:39:10damien
00:39:11you are being excessive
00:39:14i am told i am being excessive
00:39:17he brought my hand to his mouth
00:39:20tell me to stop
00:39:21i am not telling you to stop
00:39:24i can't bear to
00:39:27the pulled into the garage
00:39:31he carried me into the elevator
00:39:33the doors opened directly into his foyer
00:39:36into the wall of painted narcissus
00:39:38and he set me down in front of it
00:39:46look look
00:39:47i looked
00:39:48a second wall
00:39:49opposite the first
00:39:51had been painted in my absence
00:39:53cores
00:39:54the shapes of ice cores
00:39:5537 of them
00:39:57one for every site i had drilled in seven years
00:39:59labeled in white paint in my own handwriting
00:40:02which had been copied
00:40:03line for line
00:40:04from photographs of the field journal reagan had stolen
00:40:08i could not speak
00:40:16i commissioned it in march
00:40:18the artist worked from your notebooks
00:40:19i had the originals returned from the federal evidence locker
00:40:22on a temporary basis
00:40:24they are now back in the locker
00:40:26damien
00:40:27the paintings are yours
00:40:29welcome home sloane
00:40:31the first week in his apartment
00:40:32i learned how he had been loving me for a long time
00:40:35i learned it in small pieces
00:40:36the way a person learns the contents of a house they have moved into without a tour
00:40:40a bookshelf in the library held every paper i had ever published even the
00:40:44undergraduate ones
00:40:45even the conference posters bound in matching cloth and arranged in chronological order
00:40:50a drawer in the kitchen held my mother's recipe for soda bread
00:40:53hand copied from her handwriting onto a card he had laminated
00:40:56a folder in his study
00:40:57kept in a drawer he did not lock
00:40:59contained years of photographs of me
00:41:01clipped from family christmas cards and university newsletters
00:41:04and the society pages i found the folder on the sixth day
00:41:08i did not tell him i had found it
00:41:10i sat on the floor of his study and turned through the photographs in order
00:41:13and at the back of the folder i found a single envelope
00:41:16sealed addressed to me in his handwriting and dated a long time ago
00:41:20i almost opened it i did not
00:41:22i left it where it was that night at dinner
00:41:24i asked him the letter in the back of the folder
00:41:27he set his fork down
00:41:28he did not pretend to misunderstand
00:41:30you found it
00:41:32what is it
00:41:34it is what i would have said to you that night if i had come for you instead of painting
00:41:37the wall
00:41:38you kept it
00:41:41i kept everything
00:41:42damien
00:41:43i have kept the napkin you wrote your phone number on when you were 11.
00:41:46i have kept the wrapper of the chocolate you split with me at your sister's christenshin
00:41:49i have kept the program of every recital your mother dragged us to
00:41:52i have kept the cockscrew you used to open the wine at your graduation dinner
00:41:55i have kept the boarding pass you gave me when you came back from iceland the year you turned 23
00:42:00and asked if i would pick you up from jf because your boyfriend had forgotten
00:42:04he met my eyes
00:42:06i have kept all of it because i had to keep something
00:42:08i set my fork down too
00:42:10how many marriages did your mother arrange for you
00:42:13three
00:42:15you refused all three
00:42:16i refused all three
00:42:19for me
00:42:20sloan
00:42:22everything i have ever refused i refused for you
00:42:24his mother came on tuesday she had not in the seven years i dated preston
00:42:29sent me so much as a holiday card she came now with a bouquet of pale pink peonies and a
00:42:34smile
00:42:35that did not reach her eyes and she sat across from me in damien's living room with the careful
00:42:39posture of a woman conducting a negotiation she expected to win damien stood by the window
00:42:44he did not sit he did not greet his mother
00:42:47sloan and dear i came to welcome you mrs crane i imagine all of this has been very overwhelming the
00:42:52hospital the press my son's enthusiasm his enthusiasm he has always been intense
00:42:58particularly about the things he has wanted for a long time
00:43:01i wonder if you have considered my dear whether intensity about this stage in your recovery is
00:43:05perhaps what you need
00:43:06by the window damien turned he did not raise his voice
00:43:09mother damien you have ten seconds to walk out of this apartment
00:43:16damien i am only eight seconds you will not speak to me six seconds the peonies untouched on the
00:43:25coffee table trembled with the vibration of the elevator returning to the foyer she rose she gathered
00:43:30her coat she looked at me with the same smile pulled tight across her face my dear when this novelty
00:43:36passes two seconds she left the elevator doors closed damien did not move for a long moment
00:43:41then he crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair where i was sitting he took both my
00:43:46hands
00:43:48sloan damien my mother will not be in this apartment again damien she's your mother my mother spent a
00:43:53long time telling me i would forget you if i tried hard enough she introduced me to 14 women whose
00:43:57family
00:43:57is my last name she told my father at one point that i was an embarrassment to the family for
00:44:01refusing to
00:44:01marry she does not get to walk in here now and call you a novelty there is no version of
00:44:06this where you
00:44:06are second to anyone sloan not my mother not the company not the past he pressed my knuckles to his
00:44:13mouth not for the rest of my life he visited preston in prison on a wednesday i did not know
00:44:21he had
00:44:21gone until he came home and sat across from me at the kitchen island and poured himself a glass of
00:44:26whiskey and told me i went to see marsh today damien i had to why i wanted him to see
00:44:34my face
00:44:35he turned the glass in his fingers he has been telling himself since the hearing that what happened
00:44:40to him was the system that the audit broke him that the federal prosecutor broke him that the press
00:44:46broke him i wanted him to know it was a man what did you say to him i sat across
00:44:53a steel table from
00:44:5414 minutes i didn't speak for the first 10 he waited he was the one who broke he asked me
00:44:58what
00:44:58i wanted i told him i wanted him to understand exactly what he had done that he had touched a
00:45:03woman i had loved for a long time that he had taken seven years of her life and gambled them
00:45:07on a press
00:45:08release that he had left her in the snow because he assumed her family would clean it up i told
00:45:13him
00:45:13that the part he didn't understand and would now have years to understand was that there had never been
00:45:16a moment in all the time he had known her when she was unprotected i told him that he was
00:45:20alive
00:45:20only because you had asked me not to make a different decision he drank he cried damien
00:45:27i did not enjoy it did you not he set down the glass i enjoyed every second of it i'm
00:45:34not going
00:45:34to pretend otherwise i sat across from a man who had hurt you and i watched him understand for the
00:45:38first time that he had been a small animal stepping on the tail of a much larger one he came
00:45:43around the
00:45:44island he stopped in front of me he cupped the back of my neck the way he had cupped my
00:45:48skull in the
00:45:48tent that is what i am sloan with respect to you i am the much larger animal i will be
00:45:55that animal for
00:45:56the rest of your life for any person who looks at you sideways i am not going to pretend to
00:45:59be a
00:46:00different one tell me you understand i understand he pressed his forehead to mine good reagan called the
00:46:09apartment on a thursday she had been told by every lawyer involved not to the no contact clause was in
00:46:15effect she called anyway through the main line of crane industries asking to be put through to me by
00:46:21name the receptionist forwarded the call to garcia garcia forwarded it to damien damien answered on
00:46:26speaker in front of me at the kitchen island miss snow master crane i am calling because you are calling
00:46:36because your book deal collapsed your father's foundation has been quietly delisted from three donor
00:46:41circles in the last six weeks your fiance's family has rescinded the engagement your apartment lease
00:46:46is not being renewed and you have correctly disduced that all of this is connected silence it is connected
00:46:53mr crane i would like you to listen to me very carefully miss snow the reason your life is currently
00:46:59coming apart is not because i am vindictive i am perfectly capable of vindictiveness i have not yet
00:47:05been vindictive with you the reason your life is coming apart is because the woman whose career you tried to
00:47:09take whose data you stole and whose recording i played in front of you in a tent at minus 31
00:47:14asked me three months ago to leave you alone i have honored that request
00:47:21i have how however not asked any other person who knows you did to honor it
00:47:25it turns out there are a great number of those people they are removing you on their own from the
00:47:31rooms they control the book editor at the publishing house was a former student of sloan's the donor
00:47:35coordinator at your father's foundation served on a whitfield panel four years ago your fiance's
00:47:39mother has been on the board of the whitfield climate initiative since 2011. they are not
00:47:44retaliating the snow they are simply choosing mr crane please i am not the one you should be asking
00:47:50miss snow he ended the call he set down the phone he looked at me she will call again she
00:47:56will eventually
00:47:57call you she might i would like permission when she does to make a small adjustment to her circumstances
00:48:03what adjustment a federal investigation currently dormant into the source of the wire that funded
00:48:08her original internship damien i will only act if you tell me to i looked at him for a long
00:48:14moment
00:48:14i did not tell him to i also did not tell him not to he read my face he nodded
00:48:19once he poured me a cup of
00:48:21tea the nights were the hardest i had not in seven years with preston slept poorly i had slept on
00:48:28his
00:48:28couches and in his tents and across his shoulders on long flights and i had slept the way a person
00:48:33who believed in the structure of her life slept the structure was gone now the nights showed it
00:48:38i did not tell damien he noticed anyway he noticed on the fourth night when he came up to bring
00:48:44me a book
00:48:44i had asked for and found me sitting on the couch by the south windows with the lights off
00:48:49he set the book down he sat next to me he did not ask he simply pulled me carefully against
00:48:55his
00:48:56shoulder and we sat that way until the city lights began to thin toward dawn on the fifth night he
00:49:01came
00:49:01up at 10 on the sixth night he came up at nine on the seventh night he stayed he did
00:49:07not ask permission
00:49:08he came up with a small leather bag and a book and the smallest most contained smile i had ever
00:49:13seen on
00:49:13his face and he said sloan i am going to sleep in the second bedroom the door will be open
00:49:19if you need
00:49:20me you say my name you do not have to get up you do not have to ring a bell
00:49:24you say my name and i will
00:49:25be in the room in under three seconds damien i am not asking for anything
00:49:33i know i am telling you that for the rest of your life if you say my name in the
00:49:37dark
00:49:37i will be there in under three seconds he kissed my forehead he went into the second bedroom he left
00:49:44the door open i lay in my own bed for the first hour i listened to the sounds of him
00:49:49in the next
00:49:49room the small zipper of the leather bag the click of a lamp the soft rustle of a turn page
00:49:54at 11 30
00:49:55the page turning stopped he had fallen asleep with the book on his chest i got up i crossed the
00:50:01hallway i
00:50:01stood in the doorway of the second bedroom and watched him sleep a man in a charcoal pullover and reading
00:50:06glasses in a guest bed in his own house lit by a single lamp he had been waiting a long
00:50:12time to
00:50:12sleep in the same hallway as me i went back to my room i left both doors open i slept
00:50:17the whole night
00:50:18through he gave me the cranes on a sunday i had told him two weeks earlier in the way a
00:50:23person tells a
00:50:24story that no longer matters that as a child i had folded a wish into a paper crane and put
00:50:29it in a
00:50:29jar on my bedroom windowsill the wish had been for my mother to get well my mother had not gotten
00:50:34well i had stopped folding cranes he had said nothing at the time he had simply nodded he led
00:50:39me to the library that sunday morning he opened the double doors the room three stories of bookshelves
00:50:45a leather sofa his piano against the back wall had been filled since i had last been in it the
00:50:50day
00:50:50before with paper cranes there were thousands of them they hung from the ceiling on threads of clear
00:50:55nylon in soft drifts at different heights in the pale yellow of winter narcissus i stopped in the doorway
00:51:01one thousand damien one for every wish i have made for you since we were children
00:51:08i kept count he stepped into the room he turned one of the cranes gently on its thread i started
00:51:13after the year your mother died i did not know what to do with the things i wanted for you
00:51:17i started
00:51:17folding i folded one a week for the first year two a week for the next sometime around my underground
00:51:21years i lost track i counted them last month there were 947 i folded the last 53 in the apartment
00:51:28downstairs while you were upstairs sleeping i crossed the room i touched one of the cranes
00:51:33the paper was thin and cool the crease was perfect i knew the fold it was the same fold i
00:51:39had used at
00:51:40nine he had been folding cranes for me alone in his apartment for a long time damien what were the
00:51:48wishes he looked at me that you would grow up happy that you would grow up loved that you would
00:51:52grow up to
00:51:53do the work you wanted that you would eventually be able to come home and rest that you would
00:51:58eventually see me that is the only wish i never finished folding he reached up and unhooked a
00:52:05single crane from a thread above his head he held it out to me i would like you to fold
00:52:09the last one
00:52:10i took the crane it was a half fold the paper waiting the crease set damien when you are ready
00:52:18i am ready i folded the last crane the wish i folded inside it was that i had not taken
00:52:23so long to see
00:52:24him i hung it on the empty thread he held me in the doorway of the library for a long
00:52:29time
00:52:32i kissed him that night not the careful kiss on the couch he had given me weeks ago not a
00:52:37kiss i was
00:52:38allowing him to give me a kiss i gave him i crossed the library after dinner he was at the
00:52:43piano playing
00:52:44the eight notes my mother used to hum he did not see me coming i sat down next to him
00:52:48on the bench
00:52:49i waited for him to finish the phrase i tilted his face toward mine with two fingers under his chin
00:52:54i kissed him he went very still for a heartbeat he did not respond then he made a small sound
00:53:00not a
00:53:01word something quieter a sound i had never heard him making all the time i had known him and his
00:53:06hand
00:53:06came up to cut the back of my neck and the bench creaked because he had moved without thinking
00:53:10he kissed me back the way a man kisses a person he has been kissing in his head every night
00:53:14for a
00:53:15long time when he pulled back both his hands were on my face his breath was not steady his eyes
00:53:20had
00:53:20gone very dark sloan damien i would like to say something say it i have loved you for a very
00:53:30long
00:53:30time i have loved you across continents and three engagements i refused and seven years of a man who was
00:53:35not me i have loved you while you cried about other men in my passenger seat i have loved you
00:53:39while you
00:53:40addressed to him on stationary i paid for i have loved you while you called me at midnight to ask
00:53:44which dress you should wear to his department dinner i have loved you in every shape a man can
00:53:48love a woman and still hide it i am not going to hide any of it from this minute forward
00:53:54damien
00:53:58i love you his hands tightened on my face say it again i love you again i love you damien
00:54:07he pressed
00:54:07his forehead to mine for a long moment he did not move he simply breathed then he picked me up
00:54:13off
00:54:13the bench carefully with respect to the wound and walked me out of the library past the wall of
00:54:18narcissus into the foyer he did not put me down at the elevator he carried me into the bedroom he
00:54:24set me
00:54:24slowly on the edge of the bed he knelt on the floor in front of me he took both my
00:54:29hands i am not
00:54:30going to do anything tonight that i will not still be doing the night i die he looked up at
00:54:34me but i would
00:54:34like tonight to ask you one thing marry me the cranes in the library down the hall turned slowly
00:54:41on their threads in the draft from the open window yes damien yes he did not let me go to
00:54:51alaska
00:54:51alone we had agreed weeks earlier that he would not come he had said it himself in the kitchen that
00:54:56the right answer for my career was yes and the right answer for his heart was no and that he
00:55:01would
00:55:01not be the one who decided which side of the snow line i slept on he had meant it he
00:55:05had also the
00:55:06same night he meant it started building a contingency i found out about the contingency on the morning of
00:55:12april 2nd he came into the breakfast room with a folder under his arm and set it down next to
00:55:17my coffee
00:55:17sloney crane industries has launched a polar research division
00:55:27when last week damien the division is headquarters out of anchorage it is funding three independent
00:55:35scientific teams across the rongel and saint elia ranges the director of the division is a 58 year
00:55:40old former nanoe scientist whose hire i personally approved at 3 a.m on a sunday the director reports
00:55:46to a vice president of strategic operations damien the vice president of strategic operations will be
00:55:51working out of a forward base camp in the ringlish range from april 15th through the close of the
00:55:54field season damien the vice president of strategic operations me i close the folder you are not coming
00:56:00with me to the field as my boyfriend i am not coming with you to the field as your boyfriend
00:56:04you
00:56:05are coming with me to the field as the vice president of a polar research resension you invented in the
00:56:10last three weeks with cover that will hold up to any audit damien i will sleep in a separate
00:56:17module i will not interfere with your team i will not be on your your radio frequency
00:56:21i will however be 300 yards away every night you are in the field you did not have to do
00:56:26this i had
00:56:27to do this why he sat down across from me he took my left hand he looked at the signet
00:56:34ring he had slid
00:56:34onto it the night of the surgery and never asked back because the last time you went to that mountain
00:56:39without me you came home with a hole in your chest i am not living through that twice i can
00:56:44take care of
00:56:45myself i know you can i am asking please for the rest of my life to never have to find
00:56:51out again
00:56:52i looked at him for a long moment i had spent seven years asking a man to follow me to
00:56:56airports
00:56:56i now had a man who would follow me to ice all right he brought my hand to his mouth
00:57:03thank you we landed in anchorage on april 15th he had flown commercial three days ahead of me to
00:57:10maintain the cover he met me at the airport in a crane industries parka with a name tag that said
00:57:15d crane vp strategic ops and the face so neutral that even i almost believed it he shook my hand
00:57:21at the gate he did not kiss me he carried my carry-on to the suv in the suv with
00:57:26the doors
00:57:26closed and the windows tinted he took my face in both hands and kissed me as if he had not
00:57:31seen me in
00:57:31a year three days was too long damien i am revising the cover i will be sleeping in your module
00:57:39that
00:57:40defeats the cover i do not care damien three days sloan he kissed me again the cover for the record
00:57:49held the cold weather medic worked it out the first night finn worked it out the second briggs who had
00:57:55transported me out of the equipment crate at wrangle in february worked it out before we even landed nobody
00:58:01said anything nobody had to damien did not hide that he watched me work damien did not hide that
00:58:06he ate every meal next to me damien did not hide that when i came back from the day's transects
00:58:11with
00:58:11snow in my hair he met me at the door of the heated module with a towel he had warmed
00:58:15by the stove
00:58:15the team by week two simply absorbed him finn said it best late one night in the operations module
00:58:22after damien had stepped out to take a call sloan i have seen a lot of men love a lot
00:58:28of women
00:58:28i have never seen one love a woman like that like what like you are the only currency he has
00:58:34ever
00:58:34wanted i did not have an answer for that finn went back to his clipboard damien came back in he
00:58:40sat
00:58:40down next to me he set a fresh cup of tea at my elbow without asking he glanced at the
00:58:45medical chart
00:58:45on my clipboard frowned slightly at one number on it and said pulse is up i just walked in from
00:58:51the field
00:58:51that is not field walk pulse damien i would like the medic to look at you tonight the medic looked
00:58:57at me that night the pulse was as it turned out fine damien did not apologize for asking in the
00:59:03third week i learned about the foundations i learned about them by accident the way i had learned about
00:59:09the wall of narcissus and the box of cranes and the bound copies of every paper i had ever published
00:59:14he
00:59:14did not volunteer the information i found it by following a thread the thread was a small thank you
00:59:20note from a graduate student in cape town that arrived at base camp by satellite mail the student
00:59:25had received a stipend from the polar atlas foundation to attend a conference where i had
00:59:29given a keynote four years earlier the note was effusive it thanked me for the body of work and
00:59:34the foundation for the stipend i had never heard of the polar atlas foundation i looked it up polar
00:59:40atlas foundation had given approximately eight hundred thousand dollars over the past nine years in
00:59:45small individual stipends to graduate students in glaciology climate science and polar geophysics
00:59:51the recipient list was a precise map of every young researcher whose work had any tangential
00:59:55connection to mine the foundation's board was three people none of them i had heard of i traced the llc
01:00:01behind the foundation through three jurisdictions it was damien's i traced four other foundations through the
01:00:07same pattern northern light trust ice and salt initiative the one thousand nine hundred and sixty
01:00:13two foundation named i realized for the year of the lock at the lake house the whitfield adjacent
01:00:19fellowship together they had quietly dispersed about 11 million dollars to young scientists in fields
01:00:25adjacent to mine i confronted him about it that night in our module he did not deny it damien
01:00:31i funded your students i do not have students you will i funded the field you were going to lead
01:00:45damien he took my hand i have been preparing the ground sloan for a long time i built the foundation
01:00:50network the same way i built the apartment in the wall not for you to notice for you to land
01:00:55in when you
01:00:56are ready when you announce your own laboratory next year and you will every promising postdoc in the
01:01:00discipline will already have a personal reason to apply to you i did not stack the dare because i
01:01:04did not trust you to win without it i stacked it because i would rather you not have to fight
01:01:08for
01:01:08what should have been handed to you seven years ago damien yes there is no part of my life you
01:01:13have
01:01:13not been holding up from underneath there is no part of you sloan i am not willing to hold up
01:01:18from
01:01:18underneath in the fourth week he showed me reagan's file he had not brought it up since we landed he
01:01:24brought it up only because that morning an emergency message had come through the satellite system
01:01:29a tabloid in new york had published a photograph of me being carried by damien off the medevac in
01:01:35february the photograph had been bought from a freelancer who had snuck onto the helipad the
01:01:40caption beneath the photo was a quote attributed anonymously to a close friend of reagan snow
01:01:45suggesting that i had been romantically pursuing damien crane during my seven-year relationship with
01:01:49preston damien read it to me at breakfast he did not raise his voice he set down the satellite
01:01:55tablet he picked up his coffee he took a slow sip sclone damien i am withdrawing my offer to leave
01:02:04her alone damien she violated the no contact clause when she planted the quote that is now her problem
01:02:10not mine the deferred prosecution agreement is forfeit she will be charged with the underlying
01:02:14fraud on monday the federal investigation into her undergraduate funding will be opened on tuesday
01:02:19i would like to do one additional thing he looked at me i would like to release the recording the
01:02:24full one the recording reagan's midnight phone call from the wrangle command tent had been used in the
01:02:29ethics hearing and in preston's case but the full audio had never been made public the two-minute clip
01:02:34the press had covered had only contained the part about the journal the remaining 90 seconds contained
01:02:39the part where she had called me stupid for thinking money could buy a man the part where she had
01:02:43described in detail the strategy of waiting for me to humiliate myself into walking away the part
01:02:50where she had laughed release it he did not blink all of it all of it to the same outlet
01:02:56that ran the
01:02:57tabloid quote to the same outlet he took out his satellite phone he made one call the call lasted four
01:03:04minutes by dinner the recording was up by midnight it had been picked up by every major outlet that had
01:03:10covered the original audit by the next morning the tabloid that had run the quote had retracted it
01:03:14by the end of the week the publishing house that had originally pulled reagan's book deal had publicly
01:03:19announced that it had also voided her advance contract for any future work reagan's snow did
01:03:24not surface in public again damien did not say anything about it he did not have to he had told
01:03:30me
01:03:30weeks ago that there had never been a moment in our entire acquaintance when i was unprotected
01:03:35i was beginning finally to understand exactly what that had meant i drilled whitfield one the same day
01:03:41the recording went live we had not planned the timing the team had simply gotten to the site in
01:03:46the rotation and the weather had cooperated and briggs had said that morning today is your day
01:03:51damien insisted on coming he had not pressed to be on any other field site with me he had stayed
01:03:56within
01:03:57his cover he had let me work without his shadow on my shoulder on the morning of whitfield one he
01:04:02did not
01:04:02ask permission he came he carried the equipment up the ridge himself even though briggs had two team
01:04:08members ready to do it he stood 10 feet away while i drilled he did not speak i drilled i
01:04:13logged the
01:04:14call i labeled it i stood up i turned to look at him he was watching me the way he
01:04:18had watched me
01:04:19come off the medevac at teterboro a year before not breathing not blinking counting with his thumb
01:04:24pressed unconsciously to the inside of his own wrist where he had once pressed it to mine damien
01:04:31hmm i am all right i know
01:04:36this is the spot i know this is where i called you this is where you called me he took
01:04:43a step closer
01:04:43he looked down at the snow he looked at the small rise where the equipment crate had been he looked
01:04:48at the lee of the outcrop where the walls had moved through then he knelt he did not cry he
01:04:52pressed his palm
01:04:53flat to the snow the way a person might press a palm to a grave he stayed there for a
01:04:57long moment
01:04:57when he stood his glove was wet through he took my hand i would like to ask you something ask
01:05:03i would
01:05:03like to ask you to come back to this spot every year with me on the anniversary for the rest
01:05:07of
01:05:07our lives not because it was the worst day because it was the day you called me that is the
01:05:12day i want
01:05:13to keep i closed my hand around his every year every year all right briggs 20 feet away very politely
01:05:21turned his back to give us privacy we stayed at whitfield one for 10 more minutes when we walked
01:05:26back down the ridge damien did not let go of my hand briggs did not say anything about that either
01:05:31we came home on may 28th he had said the night before we landed that he wanted to be the
01:05:37one who
01:05:37drove me back from the airport he had said it the way he said most things now calmly with the
01:05:42assumption
01:05:42that i would not object i did not object he drove me back from teterboro at 6 a m on
01:05:48a tuesday in late
01:05:49spring the apartment when we walked into the foyer had changed the wall of course the one he had
01:05:54commissioned for me in march was the same the wall of narcissus opposite was the same the piano was the
01:06:00same the library three rooms down was the same the bedroom had changed he had moved his things in
01:06:06his shoes by the door his charcoal pullover folded over the back of the reading chair his book on the
01:06:11bedside table on what had become in the last two months his side sloan damien i am not asking
01:06:18permission i am not asking you to he smiled it was the first full unmanaged smile i had ever seen
01:06:24on his face he set my carry-on down by the door he picked me up i have had a
01:06:29small panic every day
01:06:30for six weeks that you would change your mind on the plane i did not change my mind i know
01:06:35that now
01:06:36damien put me down no i can walk i know he carried me through the foyer past the wall of
01:06:43cause
01:06:43into the bedroom he set me very carefully on the edge of the bed he knelt in front of me
01:06:49he took
01:06:49both my hands he looked up at me for a long moment i would like to ask you the question
01:06:53i told you i was
01:06:54going to ask you in the winter damien it is may i cannot wait until the winter it's may sloan
01:07:01he reached
01:07:02into his pocket he took out a small velvet box he did not place it on the piano this time
01:07:07he opened it
01:07:08inside on a small bed of pale cream silk was a ring it was not the kind of ring i
01:07:13would have expected
01:07:14not from him not from a man who could have walked into any jeweler in manhattan and chosen any stone
01:07:19in the city it was a small deliberate band of brushed gold set into it almost flush was a single
01:07:26pale yellow sapphire the color of winter narcissus i knew the stone i knew the stone because it had been
01:07:32in my mother's locket the locket she had worn the day she died the locket my father had been keeping
01:07:37in a velvet bag in a drawer in his desk for 18 years damien i asked your father six months
01:07:42ago
01:07:44damien he gave it to me with both hands damien sloney whitfield damien i will say it twice if i
01:07:53have to
01:07:54say it i have loved you for a very long time i built a life with one room in it
01:08:01the room had no furniture
01:08:02and no light and one chair facing the door i sat in the chair year after year i sat in
01:08:07it through
01:08:08three engagements i refused i sat in it through your seven years with another man i sat in it through
01:08:13the
01:08:13night your mother died and the night you graduated and the night i painted the wall i sat in it
01:08:18on the
01:08:19afternoon you called me from a mountain in alaska i have not been in that room since the day i
01:08:23picked
01:08:24you up off the floor of that tent the room is gone now sloan the whole house is yours marry
01:08:30me i had
01:08:31thought for months that when this moment came i would say something simple i had thought i would
01:08:36say yes i had thought i would say yes because the word was small and complete and did not need
01:08:41any of
01:08:41the surrounding architecture instead i sat on the edge of his bed in his apartment in front of the wall
01:08:46of cause he had commissioned for me holding my mother's yellow sapphire on its brushed gold band
01:08:51and i started to cry i had not cried since the helicopter i cried now he did not move he
01:08:57did
01:08:57not say a word he let me cry after a long time i said it yes he closed his eyes
01:09:04once he opened them
01:09:05say it again yes again yes damien yes he slid the ring onto my fourth finger above the signet he
01:09:16had
01:09:16given me in the hospital the brushed gold was warm the yellow sapphire caught the morning light coming
01:09:21in off the east river he stayed kneeling he pressed his forehead to my knees i bent forward i rested
01:09:27my
01:09:27forehead against the crown of his head we stayed like that in the bedroom in his apartment for a long
01:09:32time after a while he stood up he picked me up off the edge of the bed he did not
01:09:37this time set me
01:09:39down anywhere he carried me to the south windows he stood there holding me looking out at the city
01:09:44mrs crane damien i am rehearsing rehearse it once more mrs crane yes damien he smiled into my hair
01:09:56he did not put me down for the rest of the morning we were married in november he gave me
01:10:01in the months
01:10:02between the kind of wedding that a man who has been planning a wedding in his head for a long
01:10:06time gives
01:10:06a woman who has been allowing herself to imagine one for 10 weeks which is to say a small wedding
01:10:12i had
01:10:12thought he would want a large one he could have filled every cathedral in manhattan he did not
01:10:17he picked the lake house he picked a saturday in late november when the first snow was due he picked
01:10:22the porch he invited my father three of his cousins garcia briggs finn my two graduate cohort co-investigators
01:10:30the cold weather medic the surgeon who had patched my lung and the national science foundation chair
01:10:35that was the entire guest list his mother was not invited she wrote him a letter the week before
01:10:40the wedding he returned it unopened he did not tell me he had returned it garcia mentioned it in
01:10:45passing on the morning of the wedding the way she mentioned most logistical details i asked him about
01:10:51it that afternoon in the bedroom while i was getting dressed he buttoned his cuff he did not look up
01:10:56damien she asked two months ago if she could attend and i told her she would be welcome the day
01:11:04she apologized to you she did not she did not damien sloan she is your mother she had 30 years
01:11:15to be my mother she used that time to try to take you from me i am not paying her
01:11:19interest on a debt
01:11:20she did not service he buttoned the second cuff when she is ready to apologize to you she may come
01:11:25to
01:11:25dinner until then she may live with what she chose i crossed the room i straightened his tie slowly with
01:11:31both hands damien i love you he caught my hands at his collar he kissed both wrists one after the
01:11:39other mrs crane not yet in 43 minutes 43 i have been counting since 6 a.m he kissed me
01:11:46on the forehead
01:11:46he turned me toward the door your father is waiting downstairs all right sclone walk slowly why because
01:11:54the next time you walk through a door toward me you are mine i would like to remember every second
01:11:57of it
01:11:57he cried at the ceremony i had not expected him to i had not thought it possible he had been
01:12:03for the
01:12:03entirety of the time i had known him a man who had not visibly cried at a funeral a wedding
01:12:08a court
01:12:09ruling or a press conference he had stood at his father's gravesite and not shed a tear he cried on
01:12:15the porch of the lake house on a saturday in november when he saw me come around the corner of
01:12:19the house
01:12:19in my mother's dress my father saw it first he squeezed my elbow look at him i looked damien was
01:12:26standing at the end of the porch in front of the open front door the brass lock the lock that
01:12:31had
01:12:31held since the house was built was just behind him his hands were clasped in front of him his eyes
01:12:36were
01:12:36closed tears were moving slowly down his cheeks he did not wipe them he opened his eyes when i was
01:12:42three steps away he smiled it was the smile of a man who had been waiting a long time to
01:12:47use it
01:12:47my father set my hand into his damien sir she is yours sir she always was dad smiled he took
01:12:58his
01:12:58seat in the front row the officiant a friend of the family who had married my parents in the same
01:13:03spot long ago said a few words he spoke about commitment he spoke about the longevity of love
01:13:08that has been quietly held he spoke briefly about my mother who had taught him to make soda bread when
01:13:14he was a young man then he said damien your vows damien took both my hands sloan whitfield damien
01:13:21crane i have loved you for a very long time i kept a small notebook the notebook had in it
01:13:26everything i
01:13:26learned about you that nobody else knew the way you held your fork the way you closed a door so
01:13:30it did
01:13:30not click the way you ate the corners of a sandwich first the way you bit your thumb before you
01:13:35took an
01:13:35exam i do not need the notebook anymore the porch was very quiet he went on i am keeping it
01:13:40for our
01:13:41daughter i vow to love you with the precision and the patience of a man who has practiced i vow
01:13:46to
01:13:46defend you the way i have always defended you which is publicly immediately and without negotiation i
01:13:51vow to bring you tea every morning and to play the piano for you every night i vow to come
01:13:54home for
01:13:55dinner every night for the rest of my life i vow to never under any circumstances let you walk out
01:14:00of
01:14:00a room without telling you first that i love you that is what i have for you sloan the rest
01:14:04is yours to
01:14:04ask i said my vows i do not remember them i remember only that when the officiant said you may
01:14:09kiss
01:14:10the bride damien did not move quickly he moved very slowly he cupped my face the way he had cupped
01:14:15it the day he came up off the floor of the tent in rainbow he kissed me the first snow
01:14:20began on cue
01:14:21behind him we did not have a reception we had dinner 12 of us around a long wooden table in
01:14:27the dining
01:14:28room of the lake house with two of my cousins and my father and garcia and briggs and finn and
01:14:32the
01:14:33medic and the surgeon and the national science foundation chair who had brought his wife the food was
01:14:37simple the wine was old the conversation moved the way conversations at lake houses move in slow
01:14:44loops that did not need anywhere to go after dinner damien played the piano he played the eight notes
01:14:49my mother used to hum he played the second eight notes he had written for me alone in his apartment
01:14:53while i had been in alaska drilling whitfield one he played a third set of eight notes i had never
01:14:58heard
01:14:59he stopped after the third set he turned to me that one i wrote this morning when this morning
01:15:064am damien i will write you a new eight notes every morning of our marriage damien
01:15:14i have already started counting around midnight the guests went to bed in the guest rooms upstairs
01:15:18damien took my hand he led me out the front door onto the porch and down the gravel drive to
01:15:24the
01:15:24boat house at the edge of the lake the boat house was lit with a single lamp he had had
01:15:28it cleaned
01:15:28he had had a single chair placed inside it by the window facing the water he had hung and i
01:15:33almost
01:15:34laughed when i saw it every single one of the thousand cranes from the apartment library they
01:15:39hung from the ceiling of the boat house in soft drifts of pale yellow and the lamp lit them from
01:15:43below
01:15:44he stood with me in the doorway sloan damien this is the last thing the last thing every other thing
01:15:50i have done over all this time i have done quietly i have folded a rain i have painted a
01:15:54wall i have
01:15:55learned a piece of music i've bought a building i've built a foundation network i've refused a
01:15:58marriage i did all of it quietly because you were not yet mine this is the last thing i do
01:16:02quietly he
01:16:03turned me to face him from tomorrow i do everything loudly i bring you flowers in front of every restaurant
01:16:08i hold your hand at every board meeting i introduce you at every event in this city as my wife
01:16:12for the rest of my life tell me you understand i understand sloan welcome home he cupped my
01:16:20face in both hands he kissed me slowly the way he had kissed me on the porch and behind him
01:16:26the
01:16:26thousand cranes turned slowly in the draft i had spent seven years thinking my life was a story about
01:16:31being seen by the wrong man it had been all along a story about being held up from underneath by
01:16:37the
01:16:37right one the right one was holding me now in a boathouse at the edge of a lake at midnight
01:16:41in november
01:16:42in front of 1000 paper wishes he had folded for me before he was 30 years old the wish i
01:16:47had folded
01:16:48into the last crane months ago had been that i had not taken so long to see him the wish
01:16:53i made now
01:16:54standing in the doorway was that i would have a lifetime more the end
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