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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 - Episode 03: Jon Richardson & Judi Love, Rob Beckett & Miles Jupp, Róisín and Chiara
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. G. Kerr!
00:11So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40Alright, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:53I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:57My poor girls, everyone's always coming for my girls.
02:00Girls, your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:07Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he'd pay good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24You'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31LAUGHTER
02:31Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:45I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:53You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you're all...
03:01Jimmy.
03:02Oh, if you're all up for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I'd still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:09Mate, what?
03:10I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight's Myles Jump.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:20Miles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jump.
03:36Uh, gosh.
03:36Well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen.
03:39Uh, fix myself a quick, um, roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then it's breakfast.
03:46Uh, well, I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Then it's elevenses.
03:54Um...
03:55Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Uh, maybe go into town, do some shopping.
03:59Butchers.
03:59Uh, veg shop.
04:00Um, come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03To set me up for lunch.
04:05Then I watch Loose Women.
04:07I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's, uh...
04:11Wow.
04:13That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel,
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:30God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day,
04:38I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50I'd like to be Rachel,
04:51cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:57I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
05:00Um...
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:08Coming across.
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:12Oh.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:14how quickly the gap eradicates
05:17between the thought and the speech.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, you...
05:25do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29It's when people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:32Hmm.
05:33Like, when people go,
05:34oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what, because I've got a fupa
05:36and I haven't seen my fanny for years?
05:38Like, they find it really...
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41What?
05:42They only say it to big girls.
05:44Cos you've got to call it?
05:44A fupa.
05:46A fupa.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, them backhand compliments get on my flippin' nerves.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career
05:56as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:58what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you...
06:09Have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at
06:14and, er...
06:15Not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:17For the author,
06:17it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:21It's called
06:21Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:24Um...
06:25Oh, yes, yes.
06:26Do you bet...
06:27You must know...
06:27Your agent sent it to me very kindly
06:29and, really, just about another set of eyes
06:31to give a bit of feedback.
06:33Erm...
06:33I'll put most of it in an email,
06:35but, er...
06:35a few thoughts, er...
06:36did... did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Er...
06:39Chapter one.
06:40Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs
06:42for my breakfast.
06:44They always go straight through me.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46But it means I get another chance
06:48to see my golden toilet.
06:51Er...
06:51Er...
06:52Er...
06:52I'm only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands
06:55of a waiting servant.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00Erm...
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er...
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:04I don't know if you were sort of hurrying
07:05to get towards the end
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er...
07:08Some animals that you may be surprised to hear
07:10actually hatch from eggs.
07:12So this is...
07:12Strange chapter.
07:15Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:17I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Erm...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Erm...
07:23Er...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Erm...
07:27And...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er...
07:30You've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:35And then it says,
07:35the rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39He's lost 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:43But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48Miles, John, everyone.
07:51Er, John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little
07:56and having a small penis
07:57and going bald.
07:59All that stuff.
08:00Did anyone...
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:03I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:05I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight
08:09so that you can't hurt me.
08:11So...
08:11OK.
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:14What was that?
08:15Erm...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21Start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33Erm...
08:33A naughty boy.
08:35Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:42Over the cardigan, look.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:46All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Ooh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Erm...
08:56Just in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:58Whoo.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01We're working out.
09:02Yeah.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You like that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:06Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12LAUGHTER
09:12Oh, wow.
09:14You...
09:15Wow.
09:15You see?
09:16Yeah.
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind...
09:18One by the mate let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:30LAUGHTER
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42Whoo!
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on it, yeah.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48LAUGHTER
09:50LAUGHTER
09:50Take your first time.
09:52APPLAUSE
09:52Let's see.
09:54Have another crack, yeah.
09:55Here we go.
09:57LAUGHTER
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:05It's slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11It's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:13LAUGHTER
10:14And he's over.
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:30LAUGHTER
10:34APPLAUSE
10:37Whatever.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:39Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, someone I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, cos I've got quite green-fingered.
10:51Um, you can actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really, what have you got?
11:00What have I got?
11:01Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:03What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:05LAUGHTER
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here.
11:09So I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, cos it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:19Do you hear that?
11:20So, what do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah.
11:26So I did that one first.
11:28And then this one, it's the second one I worked on.
11:31Which is, um...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That, that, that is...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's absolutely, it's absolutely terrific, this episode.
11:45Yeah.
11:45This would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really.
11:48Yeah.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or, it...
11:50Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53What a mess.
11:58Well, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Roisin and Kiara.
12:02APPLAUSE
12:04It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:09Oh.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis.
12:22A bit more, sort of...
12:24Ha!
12:25Rumpf!
12:25Ha-ronk!
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:46Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:48APPLAUSE
12:50And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53APPLAUSE
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country
13:01that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:06Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16because Wang, Ka, is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21APPLAUSE
13:25But Miles has been on it.
13:27He was fab.
13:28You're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on
13:37and come up with...
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:41What did I call you?
13:41You called me Giles.
13:42Giles Mup!
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48He very gratefully came on the show.
13:50He came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:55OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
13:57APPLAUSE
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing,
14:03the search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:07Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the King.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:13Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:18Yeah, Rob Beckett.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:20Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as Drum and Bass came in, I gave up.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:46OK, everyone, that's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54Erm...
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:58Erm...
14:59Could that also be a G?
15:02LAUGHTER
15:04That is very good.
15:06APPLAUSE
15:06That is very good.
15:07APPLAUSE
15:10Erm...
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:13C.
15:13Would you like three of each?
15:14Three of each, until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18OK.
15:18In front of my lead.
15:19P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23LAUGHTER
15:24A, yeah.
15:26OK.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:35OK, cool, consonant, please.
15:36Yep.
15:36T.
15:38Erm...
15:38Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:44And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:45PHONE RINGS
15:49Oh, is that...?
15:50PHONE RINGS
15:51FRABIAN
15:52FRABIAN
15:54Thanks.
15:56FRABIAN
15:57FRABIAN
15:57FRABIAN
15:57FRABIAN
16:03FRABIAN
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look it as easy as you, Matt.
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:11FRABIAN
16:11FRABIAN
16:11FRABIAN
16:16FRABIAN
16:20FRABIAN
16:22I'm...
16:23LAUGHTER
16:26LAUGHTER
16:28Come on!
16:31What?
16:33Why do you have so cute?
16:35Rob, how many?
16:36Five.
16:37Giles?
16:39I've got seven seven impressive John how many would I risk a nine Susie no
16:46no I wouldn't then I'll stick with the seven as well Judy five okay what's your five plate
16:55Rob your five petal petal I've got a terrible fucking colic miles your seven I've got two
17:07sevens don't see they are climate and polemic I was good wasn't it Susie amazing
17:22maybe maybe write down his name yeah what was your nine John that you went for
17:27well compile is a seven and then I wondered if you can have compilate as you
17:32can have a compilation of something yeah no you can't compilate oh that's a shame
17:36seven for us Jim seven points for both James I might go for my nap that's such a
17:48weird hang on it was me the whole time
17:51hang on I might take my bonnet off Roisin Kiara could they have done any better yes
17:58um poetical oh let's have that again very breathy poetical okay so at the end of that it's a draw
18:08everyone's got seven points okay on to our first numbers round uh John Judy you get to pick the
18:17numbers do you want to pick Judy or will you just ruin it no three little ones all right okay
18:24nine two six and
18:26then the big one 75 50 and 100 and the target three five nine there it is and your time
18:33starts now
18:38so
18:46so
18:47so
19:05So the target was 359 Judy love did you get it on I got 342 why is worth no points
19:11I know but give me some credit for hat sorry to speak I know but I can't expect you to
19:18not eat while we record it
19:23342 miles did you get it got 357 okay Rob I did what I think I did okay
19:31I never don't get it I got 358 right Rob it's all on you six times 75
19:37yes 450 minus 100 350 plus the 9 10 points
19:42yes
19:46finally
19:48very good
19:49all right can we just say I've got 342 can we talk about that we've done that we've talked about
19:53that
19:54we all decided as a group it was irrelevant
19:57no
19:59so Rob and miles have 17 John and Judy have seven
20:05the time now to go across to dictionary corner Roisin and Kiara what have you got for us
20:09well got a pretty good vibe yeah you all right care yeah I'm fine you seem a little bit of
20:15subdued or
20:16no I'm fine I'm fine all right so is it Jimmy I just I can't read him I don't know
20:20what he's thinking
20:21yeah
20:22maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him from behind yeah no he didn't like that
20:26yeah yeah yeah sorry I think that's on Jimmy though because like that is your like native
20:30Mediterranean war yes yeah because she's Italian
20:33si è vero sono italiana
20:35so I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her sensuality
20:40infatti sono una donna molto sensuale
20:44unusually connect with their femininity
20:47tipo Monica Bellucci
20:48actually she is incredibly repressed
20:52that's right
20:52because I'm also half English so that explains that
20:55and Roisin
20:56Roisin on the other hand is Irish
20:58yeah Catholic
21:00and I'm an hour August and Vic August and spirit knave amen
21:03that's right
21:04but the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful
21:09and loose and just a tiny bit slutty
21:12what
21:12sorry that is absolute like slander not at all I'm not like that
21:17it makes total sense because she's just trying to connect right because we're born alone
21:22exactly
21:23and we die alone
21:24and that's okay well there we go
21:26are you a naughty boy
21:27uh oh
21:28oh
21:29oh
21:29oh no no no no no no
21:31oh no no no no no no
21:32are you a kinky kinky little boot
21:34okay don't call him a boot because he's a very like very well known polydean
21:38uh oh here we go
21:40John
21:40John
21:41she's got a thing for people in positions of power
21:43and clearly you're right in the middle
21:45uh oh here we go
21:46Here we go
21:46here we go
21:47here we go
21:50just move your pups
21:52move move move
21:53guys don't look
21:55Oh, shit. Don't watch.
21:59Oh, OK. Grocery! Grocery!
22:05Grocery! Grocery! Grocery!
22:08Grocery! Grocery!
22:09Come over here! What are you doing?
22:12He has been ogling me.
22:16All night.
22:17But we're here. We're part of the show.
22:19OK, regardless of the details, I've got something to say to you.
22:21Johnny might do this all the time. Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you.
22:26It's all fun and games, but for me, I'm at work.
22:33Grocery and Chiara, everyone.
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
22:45Do you know what's funny? As much as John started to look very awkward,
22:49you moved that cup so fucking fast.
22:52LAUGHTER
22:55We don't want to spill liquids.
23:04You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry.
23:08Should look straight ahead.
23:09Would you like to swap seats, John?
23:11Er, well, this one's fucking sodden now.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:16I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, John?
23:19That's what's happening now.
23:20That kimchi was on the turn, and I took a gamble on the wrong night.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:25There is such a thing as too much roughage.
23:26Yeah, isn't there?
23:28Enough with a sexy talk.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:32LAUGHTER
23:37You move the crockery, I'll have one last clue.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:41APPLAUSE
23:45And here is your teaser. The words are
23:47meat bell, the clue is nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
23:50That's meat bell, nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
24:12It was, of course, meltable. OK.
24:16So, Rob and Miles are in the lead.
24:18They've been playing in teams so far,
24:19but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:22So, Judy, your turn to choose.
24:24I'll take a vowel, please.
24:26Great start.
24:27E.
24:27Consonant.
24:28G.
24:30Consonant.
24:31M.
24:33Consonant.
24:35S.
24:36A vowel.
24:37Smeg.
24:38I.
24:38Ooh.
24:40A vowel.
24:42Smeggy.
24:43E.
24:44Consonant.
24:46T.
24:47Oh, go on, let's have smeggiest.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:51Continent.
24:53Oh.
24:54Time.
24:55Continent.
24:55Continent.
24:56Final R.
24:57While you do this, I've just got to pick some friends up from the station.
24:59So, your time starts now.
25:16Oof.
25:20I had to just do a pick-up on the station.
25:24Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:29It's my turn to dry.
25:30GOING END
25:31Ha, ha, ha!
25:32Huh, ha, ha, ha!
25:36G.
25:36Oh, yek-ha!
25:42H-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
25:46G.wha,
25:47ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! G.
25:54What's he come as?
26:13Oh my God!
26:16Oh fuck!
26:17Oh my God!
26:19Oh fuck!
26:23He should be in your dressing room, shouldn't he?
26:27Oh, it's Pasha, everyone.
26:29Hello, Pasha.
26:30Welcome to see you.
26:35I can't believe it, the Pasha's here, who's Rachel's other half,
26:39and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
26:44I should say, just earlier on the show,
26:48John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex
26:51with one of the Strictly dancers, specifically you.
26:55It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well.
26:58One of the fucking chances.
27:01You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
27:04Very efficient lovemaker.
27:05Oh, no. With my skill, you'll be out in two.
27:10Oh, please.
27:12It's like a date of the undateables.
27:14It is.
27:16Round of applause for Pasha and my friends from the bowling club.
27:20APPLAUSE
27:25Judy, how many?
27:26Five.
27:27Five.
27:27Well, you only had 30 seconds, fair enough.
27:37Six.
27:38Six.
27:38Wow.
27:39Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:41What was the five, Judy?
27:43Misty?
27:43Or timer?
27:45We'll go misty.
27:46Didn't fancy popping the ass on the end of timer?
27:48Yeah, timers.
27:49Sorry.
27:51Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:52Rob, you're six.
27:53I've got misery or mister.
27:55You said misery was not possible.
27:57You said mystery.
27:58No, but I said true.
27:59I said misery or misery.
28:02I think John is unlikely to describe misery as not possible.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07I said misery.
28:08He's starting to run.
28:12Well, six points to Rob.
28:14APPLAUSE
28:18Roisin, Kiara, could they have done any better?
28:20They could have.
28:21Interestingly, John and Kiara both had misery.
28:23Yeah.
28:23I'm just wondering what your misery is about.
28:25Actually, I'm feeling a little bit miserable.
28:27I'm going to admit it.
28:29Why is that?
28:30I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw.
28:32OK?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep.
28:35Right.
28:35And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done?
28:47LAUGHTER
28:47You're telling me that.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest.
28:56Germiest.
28:57You never miss a germ.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01LAUGHTER
29:01Got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile, though, can I?
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12Who's picking these old numbers, then?
29:15LAUGHTER
29:20So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23.
29:23John and Judy have seven.
29:24Damn.
29:25Come on, Judy.
29:29OK, right.
29:31Now it's time for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:36Yeah, is it six in total?
29:38Six.
29:38That's exactly what we're looking for.
29:39Yes.
29:39So, three...
29:40I'm increasingly confident.
29:42LAUGHTER
29:43I can count, I just can't...
29:45The angle I'm at...
29:47Erm...
29:48Although...
29:48There's no numbers yet?
29:49No.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:51Yeah, zero, you've already...
29:52Yes, you've already got it.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55Three big numbers, three little numbers.
29:57Three and three coming up.
29:59You've got this.
29:59Three little ones.
30:01Ten, seven, two.
30:03And the three big ones, 75, 25 and 50.
30:07And the target, 192.
30:10OK, and your time starts now.
30:11MUSIC PLAYS
30:15MUSIC CONTINUES
30:16MUSIC CONTINUES
30:25MUSIC CONTINUES
30:41so the target was 192 miles did you get it I didn't know why do you look so
30:47pleased with yourself okay John did you get it 193 how'd you get 193 75 plus 25
30:56100 plus 2 times 50 plus 2 times 50 200 minus 7 yeah that's what I got Judy no
31:05one believes you listen I did 2 times 75 and I added 50 no 25 50 I added 25 makes
31:16175
31:17and then I added you haven't even done that I added the 10 185 and 7 192
31:37why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit I just did it here in front of you
31:42you watched Rachel do it and blagged it
31:45I can't win I can't win
31:47no you can't
31:48no you can't
31:49you won in that conversation you can't win
31:51seven points to John
31:52oh my god
31:53thank you
31:54thank you
31:55thank you
31:55thank you
31:56and here is your teaser the words are
31:59oiled nut the clue is
32:01you can see the shape of it that's oiled nut you can see the shape of it see you after
32:06the break
32:22welcome back the answer to the tease the words were oiled nut the clue was you can see the shape
32:26of
32:26it was of course outlined John your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help
32:32thank you
32:32please welcome comedian Dane Buckley
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests
32:43me too which is why I've got dodgy knees
32:51I've got a gag reflex baby
32:53I remember yeah
32:54thank you
32:58no need to ask Dane how he got the job
33:02Dane it's your first time on the show how would you describe yourself
33:04face of a Greek god body of Turkish delight
33:07okay that's what I would say
33:08that's what I say on the dating apps
33:09no I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian possibly
33:13for the longest time like I wasn't out as half Indian like
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT you know
33:23when you're Asian and white you just generally look Mediterranean you know like Charlie XCX
33:27but I learned recently you're you're darker down below you're darker down south and I didn't know
33:32yes
33:33you remember
33:35and I didn't realize that was a thing but I was at the doctor's recently and he saw me naked
33:39bless him
33:39and he said mr. Buckley can I ask you what your heritage is and I was like what is he
33:42found onion barge in my inner five
33:46are you any good at countdown I'm massive dyslexic so no so that's why
33:51we're bringing the looks so I think we look like a lineup of United Colors of Benetton
33:56yes
33:56don't we
33:57look at that
33:57funding written all over us
33:59yes
33:59yeah United Colors of Benetton yeah what's John the guy from accounts
34:05you wouldn't know what that looks like
34:07you wouldn't know what that looks like
34:1410 points that's 10 points
34:16yeah
34:17Jane who's the funniest person you know
34:19hands down you'll know this Jimmy as well my mammy Irish mammy's are hilarious
34:24can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up I'm not this is how she is
34:28me and her want a beach in broadstairs walking along minding my own business and we straight on to the
34:33nudist part of the beach
34:34but there was this older gentleman there completely naked belly hanging out penis hanging out resting Brexit face that kind
34:41of vibe
34:44no teeth lots of opinions that was his time
34:48he was targeting women on the beach but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy and he said to my
34:52mum excuse me love does my penis make you feel uncomfortable and my mum did not miss a beat glasses
34:56on a chain she said what loss
34:58that little thing there
35:01I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable
35:04she said I'll be honest with your puppet I've seen bigger in mother care
35:16have you got a mascot can you bring a mascot
35:18oh my god yeah I'm not just here to have fun look at this yeah
35:20right
35:22this
35:23is
35:24a jalebi
35:25the most famous of Indian sweets
35:27it's um it's crispy it's deep fried it's syrupy and it's uh it's absolutely gorgeous and my nan used to
35:33teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week
35:35and um we would fry these and she would make masala chai tea and she'd read my tea leaves
35:40but she used to use it as a time to get information out of me because she didn't want to
35:43ask
35:44so she'd be like hmm okay not many I'm allowed to do the accent okay so she'd be like
35:50so she used to read my tea leaves and she'd be like hmm okay not many girls in your future
35:55so many boys okay
35:57dancing so gay oh darling you're dancing around the pole and I'd like give me that nan
36:01there's no way you can tell from those leaves he's polish like
36:04and so I thought be brave I didn't realize I had to come out to my nan I said nan
36:11I'm gay
36:12she said we must call your father immediately I said why she said he owes me 20 pounds
36:19I said nan I'm as gay as the day is long she said rubbish foolish gay as the day is
36:26long you mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter
36:32hashtag gay like savings
36:36but I brought some jalebes for you guys to try I thought it'd be nice
36:39ooh
36:40so they are vegan the jalebes have a little go
36:43no you keep them judy
36:48they're nice aren't they?
36:51oh my god there's nothing to matter with that
36:53it's nice isn't it?
36:54it's like that crispy shredded beef without the beefing
37:00wow way to change my culture Rob great
37:03do you want me to start an angel delight Rob?
37:08you have no fucking custard have ya?
37:12you've been arsed in a bit of roast pudding
37:15my mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen
37:18fair fair
37:19but she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland so growing up I spoke Irish
37:23it's a Celtic language
37:24and you'll know if you know any Irish nothing sounds like what you think it means
37:27like listen to this
37:31which sounds like honestly you're saying
37:33ready the war between the elves and the centaurs
37:35but it means I have no interest in the local facilities
37:40and if you know anything about a gay man that's just not true Rob
37:46well I think I've done every stereotype thank you goodnight
37:48laughter
37:51laughter
37:52laughter
37:53applause
37:54applause
37:55applause
37:57okay on with the game
37:58Dane your turn to choose the letters
38:00a consonant
38:01that's so much sugar
38:02that is extraordinary
38:03feels like if we'd just eaten sugar there would have been less sugar in it than that
38:07laughter
38:08a vowel
38:10make my eyes hurt
38:11oh
38:12another vowel
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes
38:17I'm an Irish speaker. So another Val. Hey, do you know what?
38:34We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat, but you know, let's not fuck about
38:43S. My fingers are too sticky to write. How many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Four.
38:51Do you know what? Give me a big vowel.
38:53I'm so sorry Jane, but the fun police have turned up.
38:57A consonant. A consonant.
38:59N. And the vowel.
39:02E.
39:04That's your max. Right.
39:07A consonant then?
39:09A number? A W.
39:11OK, and your time starts?
39:13Nate.
39:19We're a tick, mate.
39:20Oh.
39:21You pick shit letters and we all surprise you.
39:34Doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:43Dane, how'd you do?
39:45Four.
39:45Uh, Judy?
39:47Four.
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah!
39:53I think, John, you're on your own. How'd you do?
39:55Six.
39:55Six.
39:56Six, OK. Miles?
39:58Still eating it.
40:00Just some more.
40:02I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper.
40:09Five.
40:10It was sinew was my word.
40:12Oh, wow.
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away.
40:14Doesn't matter.
40:15All right.
40:16Rob, how many?
40:17Five.
40:17Swine.
40:20Hyper.
40:21We're all hyper.
40:22We're on a sugar rush.
40:24Deal with it, Dad.
40:26Dane, your four, what was your four?
40:28News.
40:29Oh, well done.
40:30Well done.
40:32Definitely, definitely worth turning up for.
40:37Judy, what was your four?
40:40Five.
40:41Five, what was it?
40:42Noise.
40:43Noise.
40:44John?
40:45Insane in the membrane.
40:48Insane in the brain!
40:51Very sugary.
40:55Six points to John.
40:59He's going crazy.
41:01OK.
41:03Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep.
41:06Swanny!
41:08What?
41:08Swanny.
41:09Swanny!
41:10Like the song?
41:11Like, yah!
41:13Like a swan.
41:14It's like a swan.
41:15Or it's also, I think, quite a nice sort of padded waterproof jacket.
41:19With a hood.
41:19OK.
41:20So, the scores at the moment.
41:21Rob and Miles have 23.
41:23John, Judy and Dane have 20.
41:25Ooh!
41:27And here is your final teaser.
41:29The words are, I'd nosh me, the clue is, anything for a good time.
41:33That's, I'd nosh me, anything for a good time.
41:35See you after the break.
41:54It was, of course, hedonism.
41:58OK, time for our final letters game.
42:00John, Judy, Dane, your turn to pick.
42:06I think John might have to take the lead on picking the letters.
42:09I think John might have to take the lead on picking the letters.
42:10These two are getting on really well.
42:14Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:16Thanks, John.
42:17T.
42:18Vowel.
42:18A.
42:20Consonant, please.
42:22F.
42:23Consonant, please.
42:24S.
42:25Vowel, please.
42:27E.
42:28Consonant, please.
42:29L.
42:30Vowel, please.
42:32A.
42:33Consonant, please.
42:34D.
42:36And another vowel, please.
42:38A.
42:38Last one.
42:39I've lost where I am.
42:41Actually, I'm bored of the clock music.
42:43I might change it up, if that's all right with everyone.
42:45OK, and your time starts now.
42:47.
42:49.
43:17Oh
43:23Okay, John, how many?
43:24Tengo un seis, gracias
43:29Sorry? Tengo un seis, Jimmy. What's happened to your voice, John?
43:33Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl
43:34Uno de mis muchos talentos secretos
43:36I have no idea what you're saying
43:38La gente solo piensa
43:39Oh, that's little John Richardson
43:41Mírenlo con su little cardigan
43:44Y su estúpida big boy scott
43:45Hay mucho más de lo que parece
43:48Estoy harto de que la gente bromee
43:50Diciendo que soy una especie
43:51de virgin rat boy
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustaría admitir
43:55es que realmente me gustan
43:57los chocolate hobnobs
43:59Gracias
43:59We are having some technical difficulties. I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:05I think that's it. Try that
44:07Hello
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six
44:13Dane, how many?
44:14Five
44:15Judy, how many?
44:16Six
44:16Miles, how many?
44:18Seven, I think
44:20Rob?
44:21Five
44:22Fine, what's your five?
44:23Fades
44:24Fades, okay
44:25Dane, your five?
44:26False
44:26False, okay
44:28Judy
44:29Ladies
44:29John, your six?
44:32Fasted
44:32Miles, for the points, your seven
44:35Uh, dilates
44:37Yeah
44:37Oh
44:38Oh
44:38Oh
44:39My legs
44:40Oh
44:42Yeah
44:45Seven points to Miles
44:49Could they have done any better?
44:51No
44:51No, Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it was fantastic
44:56Well done
44:56Well done, you little Grantham
44:59Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30, John, Judy and Dane have 20
45:04Oh
45:06Okay, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today, you ready for this?
45:10Yeah
45:10Today's crucial countdown conundrum, your time starts now
45:27Pickiness
45:27John?
45:28Oh, how did you get that?
45:37That's it, daddy cool got it, I guess
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw
45:43Everyone's a winner
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, the countdown dog bed
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
45:56And to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight
46:19Really beautiful
46:22Thank you
46:22Thank you
46:25There we go
46:26Oh, thank you
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