- 17 hours ago
Category
๐ฅ
Short filmTranscript
00:00:15Yo! This is Pickleball, the fastest growing sport in America, a game that teaches you white folks how to bounce
00:00:22back from failure, and how to use that mystical seven foot wide area on either side of the net to
00:00:27your advantage.
00:00:28Which, for some reason, two numbed-up brothers call the kitchen. I mean, really, bitch, you cooking? Anyway, like I
00:00:34was saying, it's a game which teaches you to not pop the goddamn ball up in the air. But if
00:00:38you do, well, fortunately, it's basically a big-ass whiffle ball.
00:00:42But tell that to the guy who just ate his dink for lunch and has ball marks semi-permanently indented
00:00:47into his dumb-ass forehead.
00:00:49But apart from the open play, there's a much darker underworld brewing just below the clay tile surface here.
00:00:54A world in which this inherently fun game has become much more deadly.
00:00:58Sounds like a good-ass movie I'd watch.
00:01:00These are the Pickleball Murders, bitch.
00:01:29This is Pickleball Murders.
00:02:01This is Pickleball Murders.
00:02:32This is Pickleball Murders.
00:02:32This is Pickleball Murders, bitch.
00:02:32You want someone else to help you understand
00:02:34what you're doing here.
00:02:35I guess.
00:02:37Yeah, that sounds stupid when you say it out loud.
00:02:39Yeah, yeah.
00:02:40Yeah, that's why I said it.
00:02:41Well, look, I just got this note telling me to show up here
00:02:44and I haven't seen anyone around until I saw you.
00:02:48My point.
00:02:49I was not ready.
00:02:51I didn't know we were playing.
00:02:52Yeah, no, I asked if you had a paddle.
00:02:59Are you ready for the spin cycle?
00:03:01The what?
00:03:01The spin cycle.
00:03:04Keep that shit on high.
00:03:05Oh, totally.
00:03:06I get it.
00:03:08Oh.
00:03:17The middle stops the riddle.
00:03:19Totally, nice shot.
00:03:20Trish.
00:03:21I'm Chaz.
00:03:22Bonner, right?
00:03:232019 APA Player of the Year.
00:03:25Trish Lawless.
00:03:26Saw you playing Fairfax.
00:03:27You put on some weight.
00:03:28Oh, I've been eating my feelings.
00:03:30Yeah, thanks for noticing.
00:03:33Wait, Trish Lawless?
00:03:34As in PPA's Arizona Cup winner?
00:03:35Oh, I thought I recognized that smash.
00:03:37If it's high, I make him cry.
00:03:39I got the same letter, by the way.
00:03:41Yeah, so, any idea what we're doing here?
00:03:48Hi Kai, Hi Kai, who the hell is this guy?
00:03:52I have no clue.
00:03:54Hi there.
00:03:55My name's Chaz.
00:03:56This is Trish.
00:03:57Can I assume this is your house?
00:04:01Well, welcome.
00:04:03Okay, I see.
00:04:04This is his house.
00:04:04He's probably the guy that sent us the letters.
00:04:06Hey, what does that mean, Hi Kai?
00:04:09It means to gain the approval of the audience,
00:04:11or to be a killer of someone famous.
00:04:14Well, loosely translated, of course.
00:04:16Wow, that's a big difference.
00:04:19Hey, you know I know some Mandarin Chinese myself.
00:04:22Check this out.
00:04:24Who you hiding?
00:04:26Why you munching?
00:04:29No, nothing.
00:04:31Okay, just tell us what we're doing here then.
00:04:33Hey, why don't you just come inside?
00:04:35The others are already waiting.
00:04:50Sorry about the mess.
00:04:52Cleaning lady died.
00:04:54Wait, she died?
00:04:55You know what?
00:04:56Sucks to me, right?
00:04:58She didn't die in the house, did she?
00:05:00Well, we're not entirely sure, you see?
00:05:03No one really found her body yet, so maybe.
00:05:07Who knows?
00:05:08The place is nice.
00:05:09Hey, can I get you anything to drink?
00:05:12Water, soda, sanity?
00:05:16Cocaine?
00:05:17I'm sorry, did you say cocaine?
00:05:19Cocaine.
00:05:20No, of course not.
00:05:21We don't have those stuff here.
00:05:23Unless you really want it.
00:05:26Water's fine.
00:05:28Yeah, water.
00:05:31So, uh, are you going to be here?
00:05:33Are you going to tell us what we're doing here?
00:05:34What pickleball tournament?
00:05:36Of course, what else?
00:05:37I'm sorry, did you say pickleball tournament?
00:05:39Yeah.
00:05:40Did you read the letter I sent you?
00:05:41Uh, yeah, I did.
00:05:42It said nothing about a tournament.
00:05:44Are you sure?
00:05:45Positive.
00:05:47Uh, look.
00:05:48It says, follow your pickleball dreams, meet here or don't.
00:05:54Chong.
00:05:54And there's like a hand-drawn map of some sort.
00:05:57Shoot.
00:05:58Shoot.
00:05:58I must have sent you the wrong letter.
00:06:00My assistant died last week.
00:06:02English is my second language, you know.
00:06:05Wait, what?
00:06:06So is there a prize?
00:06:08Prize?
00:06:09Yeah.
00:06:10What do we get if we win?
00:06:12Oh, shoot.
00:06:13Look at the time.
00:06:14Time for Chong Su get change.
00:06:16I tell you to love, but what?
00:06:18Let me sleep into something more appropriate for the company.
00:06:21And when I return, all your questions will be answered.
00:06:25Okay?
00:06:27Good.
00:06:28Tittos.
00:06:29Hey.
00:06:30Cocaine.
00:06:31Still in the fridge.
00:06:32I don't want any cocaine.
00:06:38Want to know what's for dinner?
00:06:40Uh, yeah, I don't know.
00:06:44Hey, you do get the joke though, right?
00:06:48Why you munching?
00:06:50No, I get it.
00:06:51It's just, it's a little racially insensitive.
00:06:56Oh, please.
00:06:58Get out of the kitchen.
00:07:05Oh, I totally get that.
00:07:09Stupid.
00:07:36Ladies and gentlemen, once again, welcome to my humble abode.
00:07:42This place is fucking nice.
00:07:45Mind if I ask what has set you back there, Chang?
00:07:47Maybe it's nicer than your double wide.
00:07:50It's, it's Chong.
00:07:51Huh?
00:07:53You, you call them Chang.
00:07:54His name is Chong.
00:07:55On the line.
00:07:56On the line.
00:07:57Woo!
00:07:58Yeah, one more thing there, Chang.
00:08:00I don't eat no panda, elephant, or whatever the fuck you Chinaman think is funny to watch
00:08:06us blue lads eat.
00:08:07Blue?
00:08:08Yeah, blue.
00:08:10You think our blood is red, you fucking idiot?
00:08:12I got two weeks of community college under this fanny pack, you dickweed.
00:08:16Uh, gotcha.
00:08:18My, my apologies.
00:08:19Do you always smoke at the table?
00:08:21Yeah, I do.
00:08:22I fucking fart, I smoke, and I spit.
00:08:25And if the mood strikes me just right, I just might bend over and wink at you with my
00:08:29brown eye.
00:08:30Is that okay with you, darlin'?
00:08:32I'm good.
00:08:33On the line!
00:08:34On the line!
00:08:34Woo!
00:08:35Woo!
00:08:36You said that already, man.
00:08:38He's got Tourette's.
00:08:39They can't help it.
00:08:41Yeah, I got Tourette's too.
00:08:42Hear ye!
00:08:43Hear ye!
00:08:45Well, I've lost my appetite.
00:08:48What's up with this guy?
00:08:51What about him?
00:08:53Gary Cooper.
00:08:54The strong, silent type.
00:08:57Oh, don't tell me.
00:09:03None of you watch The Sopranos?
00:09:06I'll say anything again for a second.
00:09:07Come on, Fanny.
00:09:09That's soft serve Steve, a man of three words.
00:09:12He prepared to let his play on the courts to do the talking for him.
00:09:15I don't know about all you motherfuckers, but when I hear the word soft serve, my mind
00:09:21races elsewhere.
00:09:22Here we go.
00:09:23What?
00:09:24I can't be the only one thinking it.
00:09:26You might as well just call him Limp Dick Larry.
00:09:28Or Fanny's Fred.
00:09:29Hear ye!
00:09:30Hear ye!
00:09:30Whoop!
00:09:31Or Dinglefoot Dave.
00:09:34What's a dinglefoot?
00:09:36It's when your toes are shaped like a penis.
00:09:39Oh.
00:09:40Totally.
00:09:41I knew that.
00:09:42Alright guys, enough.
00:09:43Why don't you let me explain to you why I have all of you here today.
00:09:48As I look around this table, I see a plethora of pickleball champions.
00:09:53Trader Park Theresa, eight-time Palestine Pro-Am champion.
00:09:58Larry Lobstopper, six-time APA All-Star and three-time MPPA MVP.
00:10:03Chris Lawless, two-time point champion.
00:10:07And last year, PPA Arizona Cup winner.
00:10:10Tony Torres, 2023 New Jersey Player of the Year.
00:10:15Steve, this year APA point leaders and two-time Tournament of Balls championship winner.
00:10:22Mmm!
00:10:23Mmm!
00:10:24Mmm!
00:10:25Um, something wrong?
00:10:27No.
00:10:28Uh, no.
00:10:28You just forgot me.
00:10:29Well, of course.
00:10:31Chess Bonner.
00:10:32Bonner.
00:10:33It's Bonner.
00:10:34Chess Bonner.
00:10:36APA Rookie of the Year and 2019 Player of the Year.
00:10:41You've gained some weight.
00:10:42Thanks.
00:10:44Now that we all know who's who, the rules.
00:10:48Game is to pay for three points, single tournament only, and no doubles.
00:10:53Sudden death rules always.
00:10:55The seating.
00:10:56Did everybody eat your appetizer?
00:10:58The sprinkles were, like, actually delicious.
00:11:01Well, your seat number may have cooked into your first course.
00:11:06Surprise.
00:11:08So?
00:11:09How the fuck do we know what number we are?
00:11:11Well, I guess you have to wait for eight hours to find out.
00:11:14Buck, if your trees and hers is already halfway out.
00:11:16Lick my fucking split, Lobstopper.
00:11:18My split!
00:11:19Lick my split!
00:11:20Whoop!
00:11:21Chong, this is getting a little ridiculous.
00:11:23Yeah, what if you don't have my brand of coffee in the morning?
00:11:26Yeah, and I'm partial to the toilet.
00:11:28Well, don't worry.
00:11:29I may have put some egg slacks in your water.
00:11:32Just to help you out, you know.
00:11:35What do we win?
00:11:38Single tournament means the last men or women standing win.
00:11:43Hmm.
00:11:44Ten million dollars.
00:11:47Oh, you don't believe me?
00:11:49Well, I may have the money right here.
00:11:53Ta-ta!
00:11:56Chum, what the hell is that?
00:11:58You said ten million dollars.
00:11:59What?
00:12:00That is ten million dollars.
00:12:02That is a thumb drive.
00:12:03Well, no shit, Sherlock.
00:12:05You win a tournament, I gave you the thumb drive along with the Cayman Island offshore account password.
00:12:12Easy breezy, Willis.
00:12:15Oops!
00:12:16Look at the time.
00:12:18Time for Chong to catch up Caesar.
00:12:21You know, I need my thirteen hours.
00:12:24So that's it?
00:12:25Yeah, that's it.
00:12:26You go to sleep, you shut out your number in the morning, and meet me on the court.
00:12:32Ogre?
00:12:34Clif.
00:12:39Night night.
00:12:40Keep your butt out tight.
00:12:45Someone has to check if he is a sexual predator.
00:12:48all right now listen up before all you pickleball obsessed motherfuckers start writing the film
00:12:53producers letters about how the rules that funky little asian fella just explained aren't real
00:12:57and how they be faking all that shit chill sassy aracita is here to explain pickleball scoring
00:13:03according to chong here to help me explain how this here pickleball tournament is gonna work
00:13:08is trashy teresa it's trailer park teresa that's what i said and honey drop the attitude i don't
00:13:15play that shit anyway here to help this backwoods trophy wife is this dummy i know right literally
00:13:20this is a dummy anyway the game is pretty much played as it normally would be except in sudden
00:13:25death chong rules we play the best of three serve it girl see there the dummy standing there like a
00:13:33stupid ass dummy letting the ball drop right past them and shit so trailer park gets the point so
00:13:38now the score is one to nothing go on tp do your thing
00:13:45stupid dummy at least get a paddle another point for trailer park and that's it folks first player
00:13:51to two points wins you get it i know it's not how the real game is played but dude it's
00:13:56a movie
00:13:56by the way nice fanny pack tp anyway back to chaz boner trish lawless and the rest of the game
00:14:09hey hey some dinner huh yeah it was interesting so my room is at the end of the hall
00:14:18all right fatty i'm not that fat i mean what do you think about all this
00:14:26which part chong the 10 million dollars 10 million dollars good night tony
00:14:33jesus my god i mean how do we know the thumb drive isn't just blank or the only thing on
00:14:38it is like
00:14:39two girls and one cup what is that
00:14:56what is that it's this gross video it's a precise point well well it's a lot of money and this
00:15:05house
00:15:05is pretty awesome um so i say we just show up tomorrow morning on the court shit out our numbers
00:15:13and take the game as it comes the day i hit my first ernie i fell in love with the
00:15:20game
00:15:20yeah me too
00:15:24all right boner
00:15:26boner
00:15:28good talk yeah i'll see you in the morning yeah oh thank you for that surprise
00:15:46jesus
00:15:53hi
00:15:59you smell like teriyaki
00:16:05not in a good way
00:16:09no wait i need
00:16:19ten million dollars
00:16:21whoop
00:16:31you
00:16:36you
00:16:37you
00:16:38you
00:16:38you
00:16:40you
00:16:42you
00:16:44you
00:16:50you
00:17:15nice serve boner what are you doing here lob stopper i'll play you for it
00:17:20play for who
00:17:21play for who
00:17:24you know who
00:17:50Let's go.
00:18:34That was out, Bonner.
00:18:35That was it.
00:18:37Oh, you're gonna walk away?
00:18:39You're gonna walk away, huh?
00:18:40Because he got beat by a fatty?
00:18:42Fatty fucking Magoo?
00:19:01Oh, I feel it.
00:19:03Come on.
00:19:04Oh, come on.
00:19:06What does number two work for?
00:19:08Come on.
00:19:10Oh, God.
00:19:12Oh, the chow mein's blocking me.
00:19:16No, it's too much.
00:19:19That's too much.
00:19:20She said, come on, chance.
00:19:22Your last name's a Bonner.
00:19:23Your last name's a Bonner.
00:19:25Oh, God.
00:19:26So much cheating in the shit that came from me.
00:19:29Oh, God.
00:19:30There.
00:19:32No, no, fuck.
00:19:33Oh, God.
00:19:35Oh, I feel like a volleyball.
00:19:39Oh, please.
00:19:41I need to know what my seating is.
00:19:43Oh, it's the logs.
00:19:45Logs, just the same shit.
00:19:46They have logs.
00:19:47Think about it, please.
00:19:48Around the court.
00:19:50Oh, it's coming.
00:19:52Oh, it's just gas.
00:19:54Oh, it's just gas.
00:20:16Oh, it's just gas.
00:20:28Oh, it's just gas.
00:20:30Oh, it's just gas.
00:20:36Oh, it's gas.
00:20:37Oh, it's gas.
00:20:37Oh, it's gas.
00:20:38Oh, it's gas.
00:20:38Oh, it's gas.
00:20:38Oh, it's gas.
00:20:38Oh, it's gas.
00:20:39Oh, it's gas.
00:20:41Oh, it's gas.
00:20:43Oh, it's gas.
00:20:47Oh, it's gas.
00:21:05I am so constipated.
00:21:08Pickleball.
00:21:09Two words as synonymous as Grand Canyon and RuPaul's Drag Race.
00:21:15Are you sure pickleball is one word in RuPaul?
00:21:17Forget it.
00:21:17A game that is so complicated to master that it takes not only extreme skill, but discipline to outsmart your
00:21:25opponent.
00:21:26I'm sorry, discipline?
00:21:28Yeah, what pin you talking about?
00:21:31Dis...discipline.
00:21:33As I was saying.
00:21:35What was I saying?
00:21:36Goddammit, I hate when that happened.
00:21:38Anyway, you got your shitty piece of numbers?
00:21:42Alright, read it out.
00:21:44Numero uno, bitches.
00:21:47Two.
00:21:48Three.
00:21:49Four, four, four.
00:21:52Five.
00:21:53That makes me six.
00:21:54Alright.
00:21:55I guess the game is set.
00:21:57First up, number one seed versus number six.
00:22:00Trader Park Teresa versus Jess Bonner.
00:22:02It's Bonner.
00:22:03That's what I just said.
00:22:05Okay, warm up on the court in five.
00:22:09Alright?
00:22:11Oh, I'm fine.
00:22:13You sure?
00:22:14I'm...
00:22:14You look a little weird.
00:22:15Nope, I'm fine.
00:22:16It's just...
00:22:17It's nerves.
00:22:18I promise.
00:22:19Okay.
00:22:21Look, I need you to stay in the game.
00:22:23I know you somewhat, which is more than I can say for these.
00:22:27Greek shows.
00:22:28Yeah.
00:22:29So, from what I can remember, Teresa can't backpedal well, so if you get in the open,
00:22:32dink it over her head and she'll have trouble getting back on her heels.
00:22:35Yeah?
00:22:35Uh, yeah.
00:22:36Yeah.
00:22:37Until we can trust Chong, I say we stick together.
00:22:41Okay?
00:22:43Okay.
00:22:44Okay.
00:22:45Okay.
00:22:46Drive.
00:22:46Drop.
00:22:47Dink.
00:22:49Yeah.
00:22:50Repeat it.
00:22:50God!
00:22:50Okay.
00:22:51Uh, drive.
00:22:52Drop.
00:22:53Dink.
00:22:53Yeah.
00:22:54Heard.
00:22:55You got this.
00:22:56Thanks.
00:22:57Uh, you as likewise as well.
00:23:04God dammit.
00:23:14Take care.
00:23:24See ya.
00:23:25All right.
00:23:30Take care.
00:23:30No, no, no, no.
00:23:35Bye.
00:23:36Bye.
00:23:38Bye.
00:23:38Bye.
00:23:39Bye.
00:23:39Bye.
00:23:41Bye.
00:23:42Bye.
00:23:42All right.
00:24:22That's a dealio boner.
00:24:24That is the grossest thing I've ever heard, but I'm ready.
00:24:29Let's go.
00:24:30You fucker.
00:24:53All right.
00:24:54Game is now one-to-one.
00:24:57Next point win.
00:25:48Winner, Chess Mona.
00:25:54Yes, and the winner is Chess Mona.
00:26:01Hey, are you all right?
00:26:08You all right?
00:26:09You good?
00:26:10Let me get that.
00:26:12Oh, yeah.
00:26:13Hey, good game.
00:26:15Are you all right?
00:26:16Eat my ass.
00:26:18Okay.
00:26:19I'm damaged fruit, fucker.
00:26:21Excuse me, darling.
00:26:24Bye, Felicia.
00:26:25No, no, no, no, no.
00:26:27John, what are you doing?
00:26:36She's gone.
00:26:37Oh, my God.
00:26:39I think she should have been.
00:26:41It ain't happening sometimes.
00:26:42She always smells.
00:26:49You all know the rules.
00:26:51This isn't funny, Chong.
00:26:53Yeah?
00:26:53What do you think I meant when I say sudden death?
00:26:58Oh, all right there.
00:27:01Lunch ready.
00:27:02Who is hungry?
00:27:03I'm making panini.
00:27:04Oh, fuck this.
00:27:06I'm leaving.
00:27:07No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Chong.
00:27:08Chong, you can't just kill people.
00:27:10Don't do this.
00:27:11Oh, yeah?
00:27:11Guess what?
00:27:12I just did.
00:27:13Besides, what do you care?
00:27:15You want that $10 million, don't you?
00:27:17Not if it means you have to kill people to get it.
00:27:20What are you, a hero now, you fat ass?
00:27:22We're leaving, Chong.
00:27:24Oh, yeah?
00:27:25Oh, yeah?
00:27:26Maybe this is a good time for me to tell you.
00:27:28Your seat number ain't the only thing
00:27:30cooked into your delicious egg roll last night.
00:27:35There's toxin racing through your body
00:27:37right now as we speak.
00:27:39Trying to leave?
00:27:40I use this.
00:27:42A chemical reactor that sends all your asses
00:27:46to carry out the rest.
00:27:48So what is it going to be?
00:27:50Stay and finish the damn tournament
00:27:53or everybody going, bye, bye, bye?
00:27:56How long is the toxin in our system for?
00:28:00Not long.
00:28:01Three ball days.
00:28:02Three or four days?
00:28:04He's got us by the balls.
00:28:06That's lady ball.
00:28:08Come on.
00:28:09Lunch getting cold.
00:28:11Someone grab the damn headband.
00:28:13Me like key.
00:28:18What do we do now?
00:28:19We need to get the gun from him.
00:28:21Even if we get the gun, he still has the detonator.
00:28:24Someone should call the police.
00:28:26What?
00:28:26It's Steve.
00:28:27Remember, he doesn't speak.
00:28:28Okay, so we need the gun and the detonator, yeah?
00:28:31Yeah.
00:28:34You're all the quiet?
00:28:37I say we play along.
00:28:38And what about Teresa?
00:28:41There's nothing we can do about that now.
00:28:44I say one of us tries to sneak off during next match.
00:28:47And what, going to cardiac arrest?
00:28:48Yeah, if Chong catches any of us trying to sneak off,
00:28:50he could fly out the handle and kill us all anyway.
00:28:56Who plays next?
00:28:58If we go by the seating?
00:29:00Me and Larry.
00:29:02Okay, I say we go in the house, have some lunch,
00:29:06and just figure out some sort of plan that makes sense.
00:29:11The two of you have to put on a hell of a match
00:29:14and make it last.
00:29:15Neither of you can lose, yeah?
00:29:17Panini, panini, chicken, pesto, huh?
00:29:21Exactly.
00:29:23Is everyone good?
00:29:25Good?
00:29:26As good as we can be until we figure something else out.
00:29:55Ladies and gentlemen,
00:29:57Next up, we have Trish Lawless versus Larry Lobstopper.
00:30:03Champion, choice of champion, this got to be good.
00:30:06And remember, if you lose, your ass is canned.
00:30:12Ready?
00:30:13Ready.
00:30:14Ready.
00:30:15All right, let's pick up our bitches.
00:30:19Okay, so make sure they have a good volley going
00:30:22and that Chon is distracted by the play, okay?
00:30:25I'll sneak in the house and find a phone or something.
00:30:29I'll see if you can't bring it your boner.
00:30:32Okay, thank you.
00:31:01Good.
00:31:02Score is Larry Lobstopper one, Trish zero.
00:31:07Time out, Chon.
00:31:09Time out.
00:31:10Time out.
00:31:12Larry, what the hell, man?
00:31:15This is not part of the plan.
00:31:16You're supposed to keep the game going for as long as possible.
00:31:18What the hell with that?
00:31:20If she wins, I die.
00:31:22That's a risk I'm not willing to take.
00:31:28God, I'm sorry.
00:31:29Oh.
00:31:33Um, he's in it for himself.
00:31:35He's afraid if he loses, Chon will bust a cap in his ass.
00:31:39Is that bad?
00:31:41More or less.
00:31:43Yeah.
00:31:43Look, the deal is, you gotta give me some time with this next point.
00:31:47And the only way to do that, sudden death.
00:31:50Yeah?
00:31:51Got it.
00:31:53Just make it last as long as you can.
00:31:58Your lipstick looks great, by the way.
00:32:00Thanks, I like yours too.
00:32:01Chon is born.
00:32:03Come on.
00:32:04Let's pedal.
00:32:36Oh.
00:32:37sermon gel hits in jogging.
00:32:39Ugh.
00:32:45Oh shit.
00:32:45I don't, I."
00:32:45I got fat.
00:32:51Bruce, yeah.
00:32:52Boo.
00:33:08It doesn't have a phone.
00:33:18She's dead.
00:33:19She's dead.
00:33:23She's dead.
00:33:23She's dead.
00:33:34Holy shit!
00:33:37Lot has got the point.
00:33:38This shit is getting good.
00:33:40Real good.
00:33:45Chats.
00:33:46Chats.
00:33:46Chats.
00:33:50Chats.
00:33:54Chats.
00:33:55Chats.
00:33:55Chats.
00:34:02Chats.
00:34:07Chats.
00:34:19Chats.
00:34:31Chats.
00:34:32Chats.
00:34:32Chats.
00:34:33Chats.
00:34:50Chats.
00:34:50We have to go.
00:34:52Ooh.
00:34:52Number two?
00:34:53Yup.
00:34:54Why don't you say so?
00:34:55Use mine.
00:34:56I got a bidet.
00:34:57A bidet?
00:34:58Great.
00:35:00There's nothing like a fresh, clean ass.
00:35:03Mm-hmm.
00:35:03And you better hurry.
00:35:04Next point wins.
00:35:05You don't want to miss the loser get shot.
00:35:08Get shot?
00:35:08No.
00:35:09I don't want to miss that at all.
00:35:12I'm actually really excited for that part.
00:35:14All right, then.
00:35:15So.
00:35:16Cool.
00:35:17Excuse me.
00:35:32Tight games.
00:35:33The match is now one to one.
00:35:36Remember.
00:35:37Next point win.
00:35:39Lawless.
00:35:40Yourself.
00:35:42This is it, Lawless.
00:35:44Didn't have to be this way, Larry.
00:35:46I don't lose.
00:35:48Not when there's this much on the line.
00:35:49Don't lob it.
00:35:52I never do.
00:35:54I never do.
00:35:59Let's go.
00:36:02I never do.
00:36:15I never do.
00:36:18Oh, my God.
00:36:21match so sad I do like that hair back shit boy
00:36:26well I guess that concludes today game tomorrow we start early well not too
00:36:38early Tony Torres you and soft serve are up everybody get some rest be sure to
00:36:45attend the breakfast I do have a waffle machine look just like a Mickey Mouse
00:36:51night-night no nigga pillow fight
00:37:02hey what the hell happened I I don't know I couldn't find a phone and then John just found me
00:37:0810 million dollars a night I don't know how much more of this I can take Trish Trish me neither
00:37:18come on man not YouTube guys guys
00:37:52man
00:37:56can I come in you already are just shut the door behind you
00:38:10how you feeling
00:38:16um there's banana splits downstairs
00:38:19I don't want Chong's banana split
00:38:23look about today I'm sorry I tried I am doesn't matter I think I have another plan
00:38:35again well okay one that might actually work this time okay what is it it's
00:38:43complicated and I'm not sure you're gonna like it okay go on well Steve and Tony play each
00:38:50other first tomorrow right one of them loses and then it's you and me against the winner
00:38:55in the finals yeah yeah we have to make sure we are the last two players standing okay but
00:39:03how is that possible I mean you said it yourself either one of us play soft serve or Tony
00:39:09yeah but that can't happen okay so look Sean said we have three or four days until this poison kind
00:39:16of
00:39:16clears out of our bodies or whatever it's been about two days so that means if we both survive just
00:39:23two more days it'll be you and me in the finals and then that means we'll be two-on-one
00:39:29and the detonator will be out of the equation exactly okay but for that to happen both Tony
00:39:36and Steve would have to lose how doubles what I mean Chong specifically said singles no doubles
00:39:45yeah just leave that part up to me look you and me facing off against each other in the finals
00:39:53by din the detonator will be useless and I'll hatch up another plan to help us escape this place yeah
00:39:59are you sure about this uh I am I mean as much as I can be anyway besides what choice
00:40:10do I have
00:40:14well where are you going now
00:40:19to convince Sean to change the rules for tomorrow's game
00:40:48what the angry people of this town think about you doc
00:40:52oh god good god
00:40:56gotcha it's not god it's me chong su obviously I know that chong yeah can I talk to you for
00:41:04a second
00:41:04yeah set what's up can't sleep you want to rub it off for you no I'm good oh still hungry
00:41:14I got some pineapple hummus no I'm really I'm fine
00:41:20still have that blow if you want it no chong I don't want any drugs or whatever you're talking
00:41:24about I just wanted to ask you something someone shut the bat talk I uh just wanted to ask you
00:41:32to reconsider changing the rules for tomorrow's game
00:41:35what rules doubles yeah well I want Trisha and I to play Steve and Tony in a doubles match tomorrow
00:41:44now before you say no hear me out okay so the other night you were talking about how you were
00:41:52dining amongst a plethora of champions which you're right about but the fact of the matter is
00:41:59none of us have won jack squat in a doubles match look if you got a point get that faster
00:42:07we're all
00:42:08singles champions yeah no shit and but doubles is more aggressive you have to cover the center window
00:42:14why not put all four of us to the test you seem to enjoy watching the matches this will really
00:42:20force us to up up our game hmm lawless and boner on the same side of the net chong is
00:42:30intrigued tell
00:42:32you what let me sleep on it you'll have my answer in the morning but I can guarantee to you
00:42:40this
00:42:41if I find out this is some kind of immunity I kill all of you tomorrow your girlfriend first
00:43:03I don't know
00:43:05I don't know
00:43:29I guess we'll find out in a minute you look great by the way thanks are those children sunglasses
00:43:37morning morning so slight change of plans today you know last night I was just laying in bed
00:43:45blue that's biggest load and it got me thinking why not playing doubles today doubles doubles whoop
00:43:54really put your pickleball skill to the test don't you think
00:43:59para let me see what you got
00:44:09well
00:44:10chong is not like he what is he seeing right now
00:44:13chante that way
00:44:16yes you
00:44:18you the other side
00:44:23much better let's do this bitches go
00:44:32what the hell is this chest i i don't know this isn't what we discussed
00:44:38hey hey hey let's chatting more pedo chong is more
00:45:05pick up off surface
00:49:09Surprise.
00:49:10But why?
00:49:11Because right here, Chung make the rules.
00:49:15Not lawless, not boner.
00:49:16Yeah.
00:49:17So, what does this mean for us?
00:49:22Now we go inside and have a little chat.
00:49:59But we're right back.
00:50:06You know, something you do not know about me is that, in my country, I was simply the
00:50:12most distinguished and well-celebrated pickleball player of all time.
00:50:1950 grand champion wins, many many slam victories, and the only player that was awarded a golden
00:50:29paddle by the president, Xi Jinping himself. I was simply quite the man. What?
00:50:40The house never beats the player that the player does to himself.
00:50:44I start gambling all my winnings. I start shaving porn on pickleball courts.
00:50:51Not before long, I owe every bookie money, and the only way out was to sell my golden paddle
00:50:58and flee to the dark and dirty underbelly of pickleball.
00:51:03Japan?
00:51:05No, Gaucho, Alabama.
00:51:08Over there, I challenged cruise ship, director, entertainer, and frat boy to some pick-up pickleball games.
00:51:17For what? For some spare change. That was the dark time of Cho's life.
00:51:24Guess what? Just like Barry Bonds, or Pit Rose, or any other disgraced sports personality.
00:51:31I eventually win all my winning back, and then once again become beloved by general public all over again.
00:51:41Yeah, I'm pretty sure like neither of those two guys had that happen.
00:51:43Ah, tomato, tomato. The deal is, I am the best because I beat the best.
00:51:51Tomorrow, you two will face off each other, and the winner is going to take Chung Shu out of retirement
00:51:58once again,
00:51:59and face me with a one-on-one winner-takes-all badge. Chung.
00:52:05This is insane.
00:52:08Huh, this is perfect. AP forbidden anybody who gambled on the game to step foot on the pickleball court.
00:52:16So, so what do I do? I drag all of you here to my backyard and make you play for
00:52:22the ultimate prize.
00:52:23But ten million dollars isn't the ultimate prize.
00:52:26Really, it's not.
00:52:27No, Chung, you're killing people here.
00:52:30You won't get away with this, Chung.
00:52:33Huh, then I will bring down the best pickleball player from the world.
00:52:39If I can have what I want, no one can.
00:52:43But pickleball is love because it's a game anyone can enjoy.
00:52:49You don't have to be the best to have from playing it. That's, that's the whole point of the game.
00:52:54He's right. Anyone can play the sport, champion or not.
00:52:57Girl, please. There's only something a loser would say.
00:53:00What do you think this game is made for? Retirement home? Church retreat?
00:53:05No, I'm pretty sure that's like exactly who it was made for.
00:53:07You know what? Conversation over. Chung is bored.
00:53:11One of you is going to die tomorrow.
00:53:14And remember, try anything funny, I'll kill you in your sleep.
00:53:29Well, that went well.
00:53:31Right.
00:53:37Do you trust me?
00:53:40Maybe.
00:53:41Just come ready to play tomorrow.
00:53:44I'll take care of the rest.
00:53:48What was that?
00:53:49It's a wink.
00:53:50No, what? What?
00:53:52It's a wink.
00:53:52No, that wasn't, you're blinking both eyes.
00:53:55No, both.
00:53:56One's going, right?
00:53:58No.
00:53:58I can't wink?
00:53:59Mm-mm.
00:54:00It's so sad.
00:54:01I'll see you tomorrow.
00:54:02Okay.
00:54:32Bye.
00:54:33Bye-bye.
00:54:43Bye-bye.
00:54:57Bye-bye.
00:55:11Hmm. Game faces. Chung likey.
00:55:15Here's the deal, Chung. You want to pretend that you were the best?
00:55:19Then prove it.
00:55:21Chung is the best. I got a golden paddle, remember?
00:55:25No, you sold your golden paddle to pay off your gambling debts.
00:55:30That doesn't mean anything. You, you go play.
00:55:34Give it up, Chung. That toxin is well out of our system by now, and you're not going to shoot
00:55:39us.
00:55:40Oh, really, smarty pan? Let's see about that.
00:55:53You're thinking about this all wrong, man.
00:55:56You were the best back then, an ocean away.
00:56:00But you're also standing on this court with the best right now.
00:56:05You want that glory back?
00:56:07You don't need a golden paddle.
00:56:09You only need one thing.
00:56:12Oh, yeah? And what is that?
00:56:14You play the both of us.
00:56:16Handicap match.
00:56:17Do I look handicapped to you?
00:56:19No, that's not what I meant.
00:56:22You play Trish and I, two-on-one.
00:56:24Hmm.
00:56:25And what do I get out of this when I win?
00:56:30If you win,
00:56:33you get to kill us both.
00:56:35And live on knowing you probably beat six of the best pickleball players on God's green earth.
00:56:42So, what's it going to be, Chong?
00:56:44The man who plays with integrity and gratitude?
00:56:49Or just another wash-up pickleball player with a story to tell anyone who will listen?
00:56:54I tell you what, Chess.
00:56:56You got balls.
00:56:59Pickleball.
00:57:00You want a handicap match?
00:57:02I gave you the handicap match.
00:57:05Winner takes all.
00:57:07All right?
00:57:08Game on, Chong.
00:57:11Are you sure about this?
00:57:12It's a little late for second guessing.
00:57:15Well, in that case.
00:57:19In case this doesn't go our way.
00:57:26Oh.
00:57:27Ew!
00:57:28You two get a room!
00:57:29Service!
00:57:32Remember,
00:57:33if Chong went in soft serve,
00:57:35you should have went out for ice cream.
00:57:36God damn right.
00:57:38God damn right.
00:58:03Spongebob.
00:58:04Spirit.
00:58:06So,
00:58:30secondly,
00:58:32The point is out!
00:58:32No, that's bullshit, Sean. It hit the line!
00:58:35Line is out.
00:58:36No, line is in!
00:58:37Hey, my quote, my rule, lover boy.
00:58:40What, you wanna give up right now?
00:58:42I'm never gonna win with him making up the rules as he goes.
00:58:45Yeah, we can.
00:58:47Serve the damn ball, Cho.
00:59:17What, you gonna call that one out too?
00:59:20Lucky Sean. You ain't going to be that lucky next time, bitch.
00:59:24All right, sir. Ball.
00:59:27Hey, Ball, sir.
00:59:29You sure?
00:59:30Trust me, Chong's backhand is weak.
00:59:33My server's worse than yours.
00:59:35This point wins. Make it count.
00:59:38I always do.
01:00:09We interview you.
01:00:09What's up on the road?
01:00:19You think I'll be doing a couple of good things.
01:00:19I know it won't be a good thing.
01:00:20I know it won't be a good thing.
01:00:21I have no power.
01:00:21I can't believe it won't be a good thing.
01:00:25I can't believe it.
01:00:27You've got the two right-knotes.
01:00:27I'm not going to be able to destroy it my choice.
01:00:30I'm not going to be.
01:00:42Good game, bitches.
01:00:45Beach Fair and Square Chong.
01:00:47It's...
01:00:47It's over.
01:00:49Of course it's over.
01:00:51Chong...
01:00:51Chong shot himself in his ass.
01:00:55What about the money?
01:01:00What's the password?
01:01:03Golden Corral.
01:01:06What?
01:01:07Your password is Golden Corral.
01:01:09Yeah?
01:01:10$13.99.
01:01:12All you can eat, you Americans, are so entitled.
01:01:17You're gonna have to answer for the others, Chong.
01:01:20It's okay.
01:01:22Chong will be gone by then.
01:01:24Oh, yeah.
01:01:26One more thing about my name.
01:01:29What about it?
01:01:31It doesn't mean a man who plays with integrity and gratitude.
01:01:38What does it mean, then?
01:01:41Rooster.
01:01:43A small cock.
01:01:45Also have a small cock.
01:01:49My father is an asshole!
01:01:52Oh!
01:01:59Is he...
01:02:02He's gone.
01:02:07Okay!
01:02:07Okay!
01:02:11What do we do now?
01:02:17Uh...
01:02:17Would you like to have dinner with me?
01:02:22I'm buying.
01:02:23Only thing is...
01:02:25You gotta play me for it.
01:02:27Play you for what?
01:02:28The date.
01:02:32You're served, Lala's.
01:02:35Well, there you go.
01:02:37A happy ending.
01:02:38Well, sorta.
01:02:39There's still a bunch of dead bodies to answer for, but you know what I mean.
01:02:43This is sassy Arisita saying so long from Chong's backyard.
01:02:46Peace, bitches.
01:02:47Peace,wijes!
01:02:50Peace, sean!
01:03:06Get out of Plato!
01:03:06I love you.
01:03:06Peace, ฮญ...
01:03:08See you in ะฝะฐะผะธ!
01:03:09Peace, olds exclusual.
01:03:09Peace, see you in the first place.
01:03:09Talk, man!
01:03:09Peace, everybody!
01:03:09I love you...
01:03:11I love you today!
01:03:17See you in ideas!
01:04:48Yeah.
01:04:50No.
01:04:52Yeah.
01:04:53Uh, well, yeah, that's it.
01:04:55And when you say discreet packaging, what do you mean by that exactly?
01:04:59Because the last bag you sent was very phallic.
01:05:02It had like a limp dick drawn on it.
01:05:06Surprise.
01:05:09Chong?
01:05:11No, I'm not Chong.
01:05:12I'm Chang.
01:05:14Wait.
01:05:15Your name is Chang.
01:05:16Yeah.
01:05:18Your name is Chang and your brother's name is Chong?
01:05:20My parents are real assholes.
01:05:22I'm sure when they name us, they just drop all the pads and pants to see how they sound.
01:05:28I am Chang.
01:05:29My twin brother is Chong.
01:05:31And you are the one who killed him.
01:05:33Wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:05:34I didn't kill your brother.
01:05:37I promise.
01:05:38Chong basically held us hostage in his house and forced us to play pickleball.
01:05:41And then when he lost, he slipped and fell back and the gun kind of went.
01:05:46He shot himself in his asshole.
01:05:47Oh yeah, I'm sure that happens.
01:05:50No, that's the truth.
01:05:51I promise you have my word.
01:05:54You will reject to me.
01:05:56Where are the $10 million right now?
01:05:59Uh, yeah.
01:06:01Trish, one of the other players, she took it to the police.
01:06:06So no one has Chong's money.
01:06:09It's gone.
01:06:10Well, shit.
01:06:13Ching, for what it's worth, I am really, really sorry.
01:06:18About Chong.
01:06:20Uh, but he had some issues.
01:06:21I mean, did you know he railed lines like Elton John?
01:06:24The man was an Asian Keith Richards.
01:06:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:06:27You know what?
01:06:28We should do something to honor Chong Shoo.
01:06:30Honor?
01:06:32How?
01:06:33Pickleball tournament.
01:06:35No, no, no, no way, man.
01:06:37I am not going through that shit again.
01:06:38Did you know I have not been able to get a hard-on in a month,
01:06:42much less play a competitive match?
01:06:44Dude, that sounds like a personal problem.
01:06:46And funny, your name is Chaz Bonner.
01:06:49It's Bonner.
01:06:51It's Bonner.
01:06:51That's what I just say.
01:06:53Chaz Bonner.
01:06:54This time, we play for the ultimate prize.
01:06:58Again?
01:06:59Come again?
01:07:00I, no, it's just last time Chong said the ultimate prize was $10 million too.
01:07:05Anyway, continue.
01:07:06This time, we play for Chong's golden paddle.
01:07:09Well, I thought Chong sold his golden paddle to pay off his gambling debts.
01:07:13He did.
01:07:14But lucky for Ching, I know exactly where to find him.
01:07:19But first, we may have to go steal it.
01:07:22Steal?
01:07:23Ching, no, I cannot do this.
01:07:25Of course you can.
01:07:27Come now.
01:07:27We've got a long flight to catch.
01:07:29Flight?
01:07:31To where?
01:07:32The birthplace of Ching and Chong.
01:07:36We're going to China?
01:07:37Yeah.
01:07:39That's it.
01:07:59We're going to China.
01:08:28We're going to China.
01:08:34We're going to China.
01:08:44We're going to China.
01:08:47We're going to China.
01:08:48We're going to China.
01:08:49We're going to China.
01:08:49We're going to China.
01:08:49We're going to China.
01:08:50We're going to China.
01:08:50We're going to China.
01:08:52We're going to China.
01:08:55We're going to China.
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