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00:26Oh, do you know?
00:29Do you by any chance wish to know how I, René Artois, hero of the resistance, escaped in a gypsy
00:37caravan pulled by a piebald pony from a German colonel and captain driving a steamroller fueled by nutty slack?
00:43Hmm? Not an everyday occurrence, you will admit, but I will tell you, I outpaced them.
00:50But only after the airmen and the waitresses, my wife, my wife's mother, and Monsieur Leclerc, disguised as a diddy
00:58coy, got out to push when we became stuck in a rut.
01:01But I galloped off, apparently out of control.
01:06I am now hiding the priceless portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klomp in the
01:12back of this worthless painting of some childish flowers.
01:16Given to my wife's mother by a penniless artist in return for her favours.
01:22Evidently, we're not all that valuable, even all those years.
01:26René, it is time we opened the café. Have you finished hiding the painting yet?
01:31There it is. It is behind your mother's floral tribute.
01:35And where are we going to hang a great big frame like that?
01:38In the most obvious place, on the wall of the café.
01:50But if you hang it there, will it not be in danger of being hidden by the coffin?
01:55With any luck, yes.
01:58René.
02:00I have just come from the town square. It is full of tanks and soldiers.
02:04There has been a proclamation.
02:06General von Klinkhofen has found the engine to his motor moor in the remains of that aeroplane.
02:11They are going to search out to us for British airmen.
02:14Anyone found hiding them will be shot.
02:17Oh, my God.
02:18Where are they? They must give themselves up.
02:20They cannot do that. They have no uniforms.
02:23Without uniforms, they will be shot as spies.
02:26Well, they have had a good run for their money.
02:29And they have still got their British underwear.
02:32We will vouch for them, Edith. I will phone the colonel now.
02:35Coward!
02:37Oh, collaborator!
02:38Would you betray these fearless heroes to our sworn enemies?
02:42What do you mean, fearless heroes?
02:44All they do is I.
02:47We are the fearless heroes, Edith.
02:49And I will tell you another thing.
02:50The Germans are our customers.
02:52They spend very good money in here.
02:54You get your priorities right.
02:57René!
02:58Edith!
03:00I have solved the problem with the two British airmen.
03:03I use a razor from your bathroom.
03:06Oh, Maria.
03:08How little I know you.
03:10What have you done with the bodies?
03:12They will shave off their moustaches.
03:16Oh, fantastic.
03:17That will fool the Germans completely.
03:20Can we come down now?
03:29Oh, my God.
03:33Castors, you're standing like a tart again.
03:37Nobody will suspect them.
03:39They look like the staff.
03:41Edith,
03:42the Germans take the staff upstairs from time to time.
03:47Now, if they took these two upstairs,
03:49do you not think their suspicions would become aroused?
03:53We are much more attractive.
03:55They will take us.
03:56And suppose there is a rush?
03:59What are they saying, Fairfax?
04:01Having the faintest idea, it's all in French.
04:04Well, if the Germans want to take them upstairs,
04:06they must not go.
04:16What's all that about?
04:17Well, I think he's saying that if Hitler pops in
04:19and asks us to go upstairs,
04:21we're not to go.
04:22Is it a light man, then?
04:23Oh, yes.
04:24And do not speak.
04:28Shhh.
04:30Ah, what was that about?
04:32Well, I think he means that if we do go upstairs with Hitler,
04:34we're not to tell anybody.
04:38It's not the sort of thing you boast about, is it?
04:43We understand.
04:46Who is that?
04:48It is the Colonel and the Captain.
04:50Oh, my God.
04:51We must open the cafe.
04:52Maria, get these two into the kitchen.
04:54Oh, oh.
04:58Oh, welcome, Colonel.
05:00Welcome.
05:00Our best customers over here, please.
05:02Drinks for the Colonel and the Captain.
05:04Thank you, sir.
05:05Sit down, René.
05:07Oh, yes.
05:10Now, what is going on?
05:13The motor motor engine was fixed to an antique airplane.
05:16How do you explain this?
05:18Oh, I expect it was an oaks, Colonel.
05:21A sort of practical joke.
05:23We French are like that, you know.
05:25Oh, anything for a laugh.
05:26I have put two and two together.
05:28The colonel is very good at that.
05:31Airplanes are flown by airmen.
05:33You see?
05:35Do you promise me, René,
05:37that you are not trying to help British airmen to escape?
05:40Oh, Colonel, would I risk all this for that?
05:42Whoever is responsible has stirred up an oar in its nest.
05:47General von Klinkhofen is doing his pieces.
05:50If he finds you searching for the airmen, he may discover the painting.
05:54Is it safe?
05:56It is under your very nose.
05:58In here?
06:00Behind the bar?
06:02No.
06:03Under the table?
06:05You are getting warmer.
06:09Where can it be?
06:11I spy with my little eyes.
06:14Something beginning with...
06:17P.
06:18Piano.
06:20No.
06:21This is a silly game.
06:23Who is it?
06:24It is in that picture.
06:26That is what I spied with my little eye.
06:29My van.
06:30What a good place.
06:32I would never have thought of looking there.
06:33No.
06:36Colonel, the news is serious.
06:39General von Klinkhofen is looking for you.
06:41He's stormed into your office demanding to know where you were.
06:44What did you tell him?
06:44I said that as it was 5.30, you'd not talk for an hour or two
06:47to have a quick run at the boozer
06:50before resuming your search.
06:52Why didn't you tell him I was searching somewhere?
06:54He's such a dominating man.
06:57His powerful stare makes me filth and go weak.
07:00I cannot say no to a man like that.
07:02Oh, I wish I had that kind of stare.
07:06You must drink up and get going.
07:08Otherwise we're for the high jump.
07:09Well, I'm with you.
07:10I'm only obeying your orders.
07:12General von Klinkhofen.
07:13Oh!
07:17Stand up, you peasants!
07:19Stand up!
07:19Up against the wall!
07:21Hands on heads!
07:26Stand still!
07:31And heads up!
07:33What are you doing with your hands on your head?
07:36I'm sorry, General.
07:37Your powerful stare makes me filth and go weak.
07:42I cannot say no to a man like you.
07:45Who is this idiot?
07:47He's my second in command.
07:50What do you mean by drinking here when you should be searching?
07:53We were looking for something suspicious.
07:55Do you expect to find something suspicious in the bottom of a glass?
07:58You're incompetent.
07:59Yes, General.
08:00Yes, General.
08:00I agree.
08:01They shall probably have you court-martialed.
08:03Yes, General.
08:04General, I think at this point I should say that I was only acting under the colonel's orders,
08:09stupid though they were.
08:10Silence!
08:12General, I can vouch for the fact that they have just searched this place most thoroughly,
08:16and while doing so they beat several peasants and kicked the proprietor in a quite brutal fashion.
08:26Good.
08:27This will go in their favour.
08:29Now, let us see what we have courted our little net.
08:47It is I, LeClaire.
08:50The pianist, General.
08:52Oh, the pianist.
08:53Can you play in the mood?
08:59We have found these two lurking in the kitchen.
09:04I see.
09:06What are these?
09:07Well, um...
09:08They are the staff, Herr General.
09:10Yes.
09:11This is Fifi and Gigi.
09:15I've not seen these two before.
09:17No.
09:17And it is not easy to miss the one on the left with the big Charlies.
09:22They are new girls from out of town, Herr General.
09:24We are so busy, we had to take on extra staff.
09:31Are these the girls of easy virtue I've heard about?
09:34Well, fairly easy.
09:39There's much work to do in my chateau.
09:42They are requisitioned.
09:43They will start first thing in the morning.
09:45Oh, but, General, I will be short-handed.
09:47They may return here each evening to entertain my troops.
09:50You are most kind, General.
09:52That is all.
09:53Come, Gourver.
09:58Is that painting?
10:00Oh, a worthless piece of rubbish, General.
10:02Is that not so, Colonel?
10:04Quite worthless.
10:04Yes, it's terrible, isn't it?
10:05Is that so?
10:10Are you thinking what I am thinking, Gourver?
10:12Van Gogh?
10:15Most assuredly in his style.
10:17You have some knowledge of these matters.
10:18Have it authenticated.
10:20We are taking the picture.
10:21Oh, but, General, that is stealing.
10:23Yes, that is stealing.
10:25Oh, that stare again.
10:29All works out as a property of the Fuhrer.
10:32Oh.
10:32You may come to the chateau,
10:33and we will give you our seat.
10:35Take it.
10:36We will continue our search.
10:38Colonel, Captain, follow me.
10:41Heil Hitler!
10:42Heil Hitler!
10:44Heil Hitler!
10:44Heil Hitler!
10:45Heil Hitler!
10:52Oh, shut up!
10:54Oh, my God, idiot.
10:56What are we going to do with these two?
10:58We must tell Michelle at once.
11:00Michelle knows already.
11:02How did you get there?
11:04In the resistance, we are trying to appear and disappear like phantoms.
11:08I use the tractor to the cellar behind the bar.
11:12Now, listen, chaps.
11:14There's a real flap on.
11:15Chances are you're going to get spotted in the next 24 hours.
11:18But if they find us without our uniforms, we'll be shot as spies.
11:21Without uniforms, we can't even give ourselves up.
11:24Exactly.
11:25Will somebody please tell me what is going on?
11:27We must get them into uniform or they will be shot.
11:31But they have no uniforms.
11:33Quick, we must get on the wireless to London.
11:35Come along, chaps.
11:36Right-o.
11:36Hang on while I lock the till.
11:38What are you going to do about the Paul et Madonna?
11:42Absolutely nothing.
11:43The general has solved my problem for me.
11:46It is now up to the colonel to get the painting back.
11:48Quick, we are wasting time.
11:53It is.
11:54It is.
11:55Please, come quickly to my assistance.
11:59What is the matter now, Mama?
12:01Why is my bed full of white-haired old ladies?
12:06Take no notice.
12:08She is hallucinating.
12:10Hallucinating?
12:12How many pairs of feet do you think your poor old mazarin-law possesses?
12:20We were hiding from the genres.
12:22We thought we would not be a heist-y-trust as our crones.
12:25Give me a sort of towel, please.
12:29My God, they're calling us.
12:35My God, Caste.
12:37The things you see when you haven't got your guns.
12:40Hello, Nighthawk.
12:41Hello, Nighthawk.
12:43The airmen have not arrived.
12:45We must assume they have crashed in the Chanel.
12:48There will now be a two-minute silence.
12:51Over.
12:52No, no.
12:52Hello, hello.
12:53No, they are still here.
12:54They are disguised as French maids.
12:57But they could be penetrated at any moment.
13:00Over.
13:01Obviously an emergency.
13:03What can we do?
13:04Over.
13:05Send British uniforms tonight.
13:07Without them, they will be shot.
13:09Over.
13:10Sorry.
13:10No planes available for one week.
13:12All being used to make film called F for Freddy.
13:19No, hello.
13:20Was that good news?
13:21I'm afraid not.
13:23We need a new plan.
13:24We'll have to get our thinking caps on.
13:26If we don't get you into uniform pretty damn quick,
13:28I'm afraid you've had it.
13:30Girls, please take off those ridiculous wigs.
13:50Von Smallhausen.
13:52Can you hear anything?
13:54We have ceased transmitting, Herr Flick.
13:56It is fortunate we discovered the wavelengths they were employing.
14:01We have also discovered that there are two British airmen disguised as French maids.
14:10Do you wish me to search all the French maids in the town?
14:15What makes you think you would gain entry into any house with your head covered in bird droppings?
14:22I don't know.
14:30Herr Flick, I have brought you a cup of Gestapo instant beef tea.
14:35You are late.
14:36And where are the croutons?
14:38I'm sorry, Herr Flick.
14:40Was there anything good on the wireless?
14:42We have evidence that there are two British airmen disguised as French maids.
14:48There are two new maids at the Café René.
14:51Did you notice anything strange about them?
14:55Nothing I could put my finger on, Hesley.
14:57We will investigate.
15:02What is so funny?
15:05To me, Henley, can I do you now, sir?
15:20Good moaning.
15:24Good moaning.
15:27Outside the front of your coffee, under the limp post,
15:32are a couple of tits.
15:37He means tarts.
15:39We know about them.
15:41They are the British airmen in disguise.
15:44There is a big search going on for them.
15:46Get out there, make sure that nobody picks them up.
15:49Leave it to moo.
16:06These heels are killing me.
16:08You're the one who insisted on wearing them.
16:12I've got jolly good ankles.
16:15What are you going to do if someone tries to pick you up?
16:19Oh, what a good week.
16:20You look revolting.
16:23Caving a punter.
16:32Move along, you windy little man.
16:36Jaime, it is your wanted in the back room.
16:40It is Michelle.
16:42Oh, wake.
16:43Monsieur Leclerc.
16:44Madame.
16:45Supervise the cafe.
16:46And keep your fingers out of the till.
16:59I have plans to hide the airmen where they will never be found.
17:03For this operation, I have recruited the bravest man in all France.
17:07I thought I was the bravest man in all France.
17:10Not since you galloped off alone in that gypsy caravan.
17:14Pay attention.
17:19Mr. Alphonse, undertaker, swiftly and with style.
17:24Gracious, beautiful madame, I kiss your hand.
17:29Every night before I go to sleep, I think about you for ten minutes.
17:38Sometimes longer.
17:43Forgive me, monsieur, but you will be aware that to this gorgeous lady I have forever lost my heart.
17:50And apparently you're marbles.
17:53Monset.
17:55Monset.
17:56Listen very carefully.
17:58I shall say this only once.
18:00I have read it all before, so for me it is twice.
18:15Monsieur Alphonse, has every night in his mochiri been digging a tunnel?
18:20Vive la France.
18:22You are asking, where does this tunnel lead?
18:25I am not, actually.
18:27It leads to the other side of the road.
18:31Good.
18:32On the other side of the road is the transit camp for British prisoners of war.
18:37These are airmen who have been shot down and await transport to Germany.
18:41In this camp, the prisoners are also digging a tunnel.
18:45The tunnels are about to connect.
18:48The prisoners will escape when we have met the necessary arrangements.
18:52Excuse me.
18:53If you are thinking of bringing any more British airmen here, you can forget it.
18:56We have not got rid of our presents, Doc.
18:59You do not understand.
19:01We are going to add your airmen in the prisoner of war camp,
19:04where they can obtain uniforms.
19:06Oh, I think that is a wonderful idea.
19:10Yes.
19:10This is definitely the first time in history that British airmen have tunneled into a prisoner of war.
19:17But how can we transport the airmen to the motory without a housing suspicion?
19:26There are Germans everywhere.
19:28There was a curfew.
19:30Monsieur Alphonse and we of the resistance have done our part.
19:33The rest is up to you.
19:35Hang on a minute.
19:37I must go now into the night.
19:39When you have a plan, phone Monsieur Alphonse.
19:4424 hours service.
19:46Just a minute, Michel.
19:47How long have we got?
19:49They must be gone from here before morning.
19:53Is that not typical?
19:55She gives us half a plan and then she disappears into the night.
20:01And she forgets her flashlight.
20:04My brain is fermenting with an idea.
20:08Bottle it and serve it up later.
20:10I am going to lie down.
20:29This is very humiliating, Hurts.
20:33Is a general allowed to commandeer your office?
20:35Is it in the woods?
20:37A general can do anything he likes.
20:40I shall be the laughing stock of the whole army.
20:42Oh, I won't laugh at you, Colonel.
20:45You've always been very kind to me in your bluff overbearing way.
20:52He's very quiet in there.
20:54Maybe he is going through your drawers.
20:56They won't find anything.
20:58What about your health and efficiency magazine?
21:00Don't you throw that away.
21:03Sir General, we'll see you.
21:05Stomach in, chest out.
21:15Heil Hitler!
21:16Club!
21:20Did he hear us?
21:23Heil Hitler!
21:25Club!
21:27Shall we sit down?
21:29Stop whispering.
21:30Stop whispering, Hans.
21:43I've been reading your reports on the occupation of the town.
21:47Handwriting good, effort, ineffectual.
21:50I want results and I want some now.
21:52There are British airmen in the area.
21:54I want them captured.
21:56Every lead you have so far obtained points to this cafe.
21:59Cafe René.
22:01Highly suspicious.
22:02For instance, why would a small provincial cafe have hanging on its wall a genuine Van Gogh?
22:08A genuine Van Gogh?
22:09Genuine Van Gogh?
22:10Hmm.
22:10It will be sent to Hitler for Smith.
22:12Would you like us to post it?
22:15No.
22:16You will concentrate on the cafe.
22:17We will close it down tonight, arrest everybody, and shoot hostages.
22:23We will show them who is boss.
22:25Typical.
22:25Have you never heard the expression, softly, softly, catchy monkey?
22:32Was that from the film King Kong?
22:36At the moment, every British airman who is shot down disappears.
22:40They must be going somewhere.
22:42Our best clue is this cafe.
22:44Watch it as a cat watches a mouse.
22:47But make no move without my permission.
22:49That is all.
22:49You may go.
22:58Hey, Hitler!
22:59Club!
23:05Hey, Hitler!
23:06Club!
23:06Get out!
23:09Robert!
23:13General.
23:15Is this, uh, Van Gogh?
23:17It will be worth a great deal of money after the war, will it not?
23:21Yes, indeed, General.
23:23Can you keep a secret?
23:26Well, I've done pretty well up to now.
23:31Have it copied, but say nothing to anyone.
23:34Yes, General.
23:39Herrs Otto Flick and Engelbert von Smallhausen of the Gestapo
23:42are here in accordance with your instructions.
23:45Send in the Herrs.
23:46You may go, Gruber.
23:53Come in here!
24:02Heil Hitler!
24:04Heil Hitler!
24:06What arrangements have you made to keep the Café René under close observation?
24:11We intend to infiltrate the Café in disguise.
24:15What sort of disguise?
24:24What sort of disguise?
24:26Not approved.
24:28But, uh, you can stay and have a drink if you like.
24:36I've got much to look at, not much to see, just glad I'm living and lucky to be.
24:48But I've got a someone crazy for me, he's funny that way.
24:58I can't save a dollar, ain't worth a cent.
25:04He doesn't hauler, he'll live in a tent.
25:08Well, he must be in the tank corps.
25:11You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself.
25:14You're supposed to be watching.
25:17The colonel and the captain are well away.
25:19As newts.
25:21Yvette should have no problem getting the gun.
25:24Edith, if this plan of yours goes wrong, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot
25:29us all against.
25:31Tell me how else we can get the bodies to the mortuary.
25:33I'd better off if I went away.
25:41But why should I leave him?
25:45Why should I go?
25:47He'd be much better than me, I know.
25:52I have a someone crazy for me, he's funny that way.
26:09Oh, Captain.
26:13Oh, if you will take your naughty hand of money, I will get you some of one.
26:20Oh, I'm sorry, I was just bombing it.
26:23I want to be a moment.
26:27Here, I have the captain's gun.
26:29Quick, René.
26:31The blanks.
26:32Oh, yes.
26:39Quick, Gruber is coming across.
26:42Put it back in his ulster.
26:48You have not lost your touch, I see, Lieutenant.
26:52Just one of my little talents.
26:54For a while, I was a comic singer.
26:57Your wife has asked me to play for her next appearance.
27:00Here is the music.
27:03Spanish, Flamenco, Fandango.
27:06What key?
27:08Oh, she does not mind.
27:09She plays the castanets.
27:15Where is Monsieur Leclerc?
27:16He's in the kitchen, tuning his violin.
27:19Where are the airmen?
27:20They should be outside with the policemen.
27:23Maria!
27:25Tell them outside to stand by.
27:27Here, here.
27:28Here is the tomato sauce.
27:30Tell them not to overdo it.
27:31Masha!
27:35Here is your one, Captain.
27:38Come on over.
27:39Oh, you bad, bad little German.
27:51How do I look?
27:53It is you, Leclerc.
27:55Are the black cartridges in the revolver?
27:58You just do your bit.
27:59Huh?
28:00Do you know your words?
28:01Of course.
28:02They are here.
28:10Stam, I will give you the signal.
28:13I will then send in the two tits.
28:16I will myself enter after two shots from the revolver.
28:22Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is carnival night at the Café René.
28:29Madam Edith presents for you, by popular request, a Spanish extravaganza.
28:35Well, it cannot be worse than her singing.
28:38Don't bet on it.
28:40Ladies and gentlemen, flamenco fandango.
28:45Come on!
28:46Come on!
28:46One, two, three, four.
28:49Come on!
29:01Come on!
29:08Hey!
29:16Hey!
29:44This is the hardest part.
30:06Stop the music!
30:10How dare you, you faceless deceiver,
30:15pleasuring yourself with women of the streets
30:17while I am out here working up my butt.
30:22Perhaps I prefer the women of the streets
30:24to an old clacker of castanets.
30:28Captain, are you prepared to see me insulted
30:32in my own cafe in this manner?
30:34Well, I hadn't thought about it, actually.
30:36Dance on, Strumpet.
30:38I am taking these two upstairs.
30:46Madam Edith,
30:47how can you allow this insult to go unavenged?
30:51Allow me to strike him.
30:53Stand aside!
30:55Die! Die!
30:56Like a dog!
31:01Oh, my God!
31:03I have missed him
31:04and shot the women of the streets.
31:07That was my gun!
31:09Colonel, that was my gun!
31:11She shot them with my gun!
31:15I was pissing by the door
31:22when I heard two shouts.
31:26You are holding in your hand a smoking goon.
31:32You are clearly the guilty potty.
31:35I did not do it!
31:37Tell them I did not do it!
31:38I was not looking.
31:41Officer,
31:42you have no authority
31:44over the glorious German army.
31:47This was just an ordinary crime of passion
31:49that happens in France on any Saturday night.
31:53But if it should come to the ears
31:55of General von Klinkerofen...
31:56General von Klinkerofen?
31:59If it should come to the ears
32:00of General von Klinkerofen...
32:02that an officer allowed his gun
32:05to be taken from him,
32:06then both he and his superior
32:08would be in very hot water.
32:09Ah, you see, you are in it, too.
32:11For the usual bribe of 50,000 francs,
32:14I trust you will overlook this incident.
32:16Did I make those?
32:18Shut up!
32:20Is there an undertaker in the house?
32:24Monsieur Elphonse,
32:26undertaker.
32:28Quickly and with style.
32:30Oh, what luck!
32:32I will turn to this blonde eye.
32:36Remove the biddies.
32:42Colonel, Captain,
32:44please,
32:44leave quickly by the back door
32:45with your troops.
32:46I will see that General von Klinkerofen
32:48does not get to hear of this.
32:49Thank you, Elphonse.
32:49Take the lieutenant with you.
32:51President,
32:52you, Mayor!
32:54I didn't do it!
32:55I did not do it!
32:56Shut up!
33:00Oh, René!
33:02They have swallowed it!
33:04They have swallowed it!
33:06I will tell you one thing, Edith.
33:08These Germans,
33:09they are so stupid.
33:11There is no way
33:12they are going to win this war.
33:14One, two, three!
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