- 2 weeks ago
First broadcast 19th December 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
David Mitchell
Ronni Ancona
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
David Mitchell
Ronni Ancona
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:03And welcome to QI, where tonight, lice, love handles and lingerie are all lumped together.
00:12Let's meet the lacy Jimmy Carr.
00:17The musty Ronnie and Conan.
00:23The leggy David Mitchell.
00:30And the lamentable Alan Davis.
00:37Now, before we even begin with the first question, one of your buzzers has been investigated by the FBI.
00:44Let's listen to all of them and see if you can get some early points by guessing which one.
00:49Jimmy goes...
00:56Ronnie goes...
01:03David goes...
01:04Oh, no, let's meet my goal.
01:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:12And Alan goes...
01:19So we've got Little Willie Really Won't Go Home.
01:24Your song, do you recognise it?
01:25I, I, I did, I think I've heard those noises before, but I couldn't get worse.
01:30You said the noise?
01:31Louis.
01:32Louis, Louis.
01:33Louis, Louis.
01:33Which I think was investigated by the FBI.
01:34Because I think they thought it was a drug reference.
01:37They couldn't figure out what the song was about.
01:39Worse than, well, is it worse than drugs?
01:41No, no, it isn't.
01:42It's better than, well, it's sex.
01:44Oh, it's more than an answer.
01:45Is sex better or worse than drugs when it comes to the FBI?
01:48Well, it can, it can be better and worse.
01:50Yeah, you're right.
01:50Stephen, why can't we do both?
01:53One might assist the other.
01:54What's sex again?
01:55Sorry.
01:57So this is the FBI investigated song?
02:00Yeah, they investigated Louis, Louis.
02:02You.
02:02Right.
02:03Yeah, your song.
02:04Because they thought it had very lewd references.
02:07We can see what the lyrics actually were.
02:13Are on that ship, I dream she there.
02:15I smell the rose, are in her hair.
02:18Filth?
02:18Yes.
02:20That's what the lyric was.
02:22Ban this filth.
02:23What they thought was being sung was,
02:27and on that chair, I lay her there,
02:29I felt my boner in her head.
02:34That's hysterical.
02:35The weird thing is.
02:37They wrote a song about my pre-show ritual.
02:40The weird thing is, if you listen to it,
02:42you can see why they thought that.
02:43Come on, let me find a man, yeah.
02:48Now, I've got all the time.
02:55So they investigated it, played it slowly,
02:57and they explained exactly what the lyrics were.
02:59It's one of those effects where if you actually look at the right lyrics
03:02and hear it back again, it does seem,
03:03oh, yes, I see what the words are.
03:04It says more about them than it does about the artist.
03:07Exactly.
03:08You're so right.
03:09Well, that's early points then for Jimmy Carr,
03:12who got that, that the FBI investigated.
03:14No, no, no.
03:14No, no, no.
03:20Points, early doors.
03:22Right, let's begin.
03:24What did the man who invented the lava lamp do for leisure?
03:28There he is.
03:30That's John Malkovich.
03:31It does look like John Malkovich.
03:33A Hawaiian shirt.
03:34Was he into women?
03:36Was he a lover man?
03:38Oh, he was a lover man.
03:41I can't believe I didn't.
03:42I love a lover, lover, lover.
03:43You know you said that out loud.
03:44I know.
03:45You said, was he a lover man out loud just now?
03:48They all heard.
03:49Yeah, well, actually, I'm going to make a lava lamp
03:52for your edification pleasure and entertainment.
03:54I have here a little tube.
03:56This is actually a tube that usually contains tennis balls,
03:59and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water,
04:03and I have here a little syringe.
04:06Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things.
04:08Yeah, they are.
04:09They separate, don't they, don't you?
04:12Yes.
04:13Hello.
04:14So you pump the colour in,
04:16and I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer,
04:17or any effervescent hangover cure pill will do.
04:23Are you going to say, don't try this at home?
04:25Well, you can, actually.
04:26Honestly, it's not like a mentor.
04:27It's not going to explode.
04:28And Q-Lite.
04:29Hey, there we go.
04:31Pop it on, and then as the effervescent works,
04:34it begins, yeah, there we are,
04:36beginning to get the effect.
04:39And there we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it.
04:41And you're getting a sort of lava lamp there, obviously.
04:44Professionally, they're made more permanent.
04:45A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
04:47APPLAUSE
04:52You've all got the equipment, as it were,
04:54so you can make one yourself.
04:55It's so exciting.
04:56Aren't you lucky?
04:57Yes.
04:57Really, we've begun with the thrilling excitement.
04:59Awesome.
05:00Let's try to pay something to the format holders of the Generation Games.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06It is a bit Generation Games, you're right.
05:09Let's just...
05:09What do we do with that?
05:10The inject colour in, I think.
05:12The inject colour.
05:12You've all got different colours to make it thrilling.
05:14Oh, it's a little...
05:15Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure.
05:18Oh, I put all of it in.
05:21Don't put too many pills in.
05:23And I've just put a little of the...
05:26No, put loads in.
05:27Just put a little in, yeah.
05:29Look at your bullshit lava lamp.
05:31Mine is...
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32Look at that!
05:33Your lava lamp is...
05:34Hey!
05:35Give me...
05:36It's happening.
05:37It's all happening in our corner.
05:38You see, won't it explode now?
05:40Hopefully.
05:41I can...
05:41No, no, you don't.
05:44No...
05:44You're no fun.
05:46Stick another one in.
05:47I'm a responsible adult.
05:48There has to be one on this programme.
05:50Look at all these little balls.
05:52I'm nervous of having...
05:53Stop saying that.
05:55This genuinely reminds me so much of school.
05:58He said, don't put all the alcohol cells in.
06:02And then Alan said, we're putting it all in.
06:04And I've gone along with him, and now I'm frightened.
06:07You know the one in trouble.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:11LAUGHTER
06:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:31You made me laugh, David.
06:34I told you before.
06:37You're in trouble.
06:38It's not funny.
06:39There's nothing funny about making people laugh.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:43I don't know, I may be.
06:44But, oh, dear, I've got oily hands.
06:47Mitchell's taken a lid off, sir.
06:48Mitchell's taken a lid off.
06:49It's not serious.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:50This is most unfortunate.
06:52Oh, it's very funny.
06:54Are you...
06:55Why haven't you put any little balls in yours?
06:57I beg your pardon.
06:59LAUGHTER
06:59This is not how it was supposed to happen at all.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:13We all know why Alan has industrial-strength tissues.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Are you not supposed to do that?
07:22Right, everybody put their trays away.
07:24You've got sort of gunk all on the eye.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28So, well done, visual lava lamps,
07:30you said between gritted teeth.
07:32The inventor was Edward Craven Walker,
07:35who was born in 1918 and died in the year 2000.
07:39And I asked you at the very beginning
07:40what his other leisure pursuits were.
07:42And, well, let me read you what he said about the lava lamp.
07:46He said it starts from nothing,
07:47grows possibly a little feminine,
07:49then a little bit masculine,
07:50then breaks up and has children.
07:51It's a sexy thing.
07:54He was having a lava, wasn't he?
07:55He was, yeah.
07:57I think I did that.
07:59Don't punish yourself.
07:59Don't look at me like that.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:01Not angry, I'm just disappointed.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04He thought it was like he'd made an organism.
08:07A sort of lovely, sexy thing.
08:10And he was that kind of a man, I'm afraid.
08:12Was he a swinger?
08:14Was he one of the swingers?
08:15He was pretty much a swinger.
08:16Oh, was he?
08:16He was a swinger.
08:17He directed nudist films.
08:20Nudist films?
08:21Yeah.
08:21He was a nudist?
08:22His were naturist films, yes.
08:24The fact that that was his hobby,
08:26did he not turn a profit on the porn?
08:28Um, it wasn't porn.
08:30He had to subsidise his porn-making habit
08:33with his lava lamp business.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:36Well, you've got the first naturist film
08:38that was on public release.
08:40That's the point.
08:40That's not how you do it.
08:41I don't know how to do it.
08:42LAUGHTER
08:43It's not porn.
08:44It's about people being naked.
08:46And this was a ballet underwater.
08:48Vulcans do it like that.
08:50Do they?
08:50Do they?
08:51Mind Melbourne.
08:52Is that one of his?
08:53Is that a still from one of his?
08:54Actually, we've made that up, apparently.
08:56Are those members of the production team?
09:00I'm sitting in the...
09:00I'm being paid enough to have to do that.
09:02Couple of our elves relaxing...
09:03You say the QI elves, that's not the image
09:05that springs into...
09:07LAUGHTER
09:07You've got sun-starved, specky creatures who...
09:10I don't want to be unkind, but yes, I do.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:13Not a male and a female trying to do
09:14some sort of Scissor Sisters action.
09:15Well, Edward Craven Walker founded
09:18the largest nudist colony in Britain, too.
09:20One of the largest.
09:21Milton Keynes.
09:22LAUGHTER
09:23Do you know the name of the company
09:24that still sells the lava lamps, his company?
09:28Oh, it begins when...
09:29It's something to do...
09:30It's a math...
09:31It begins when...
09:32Math...
09:32Math...
09:32Math...
09:33Math Moss.
09:34That's what you're right.
09:35Share the points between you.
09:36Do you know where that name comes from?
09:37Math Moss?
09:38Yeah.
09:39It's a film starring Jane Fonda.
09:41Ooh!
09:41Oh, Barbara Ellis?
09:42Barbara Luh.
09:43Oh, yes.
09:44Barbara Luh.
09:44Yes, it was a seething lake of oily substances.
09:48And Duran Duran comes from that movie as well, doesn't it?
09:49It does indeed, absolutely.
09:51The city of Sogo in Barbarella had this lake of...
09:53of Math Moss, and so...
09:54At school, we used to call people who were good at maths...
09:57Math Moss.
09:57Math Moss.
09:58Yeah, that's right.
09:58That's still used.
09:59Just a different pronunciation.
10:00I like the idea at school you look down on anyone.
10:04Good at maths.
10:04Oh, bloody idiots.
10:05No, I...
10:06I...
10:06I...
10:07I deemed it a term of respect.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:12Were they calling you Math Moss?
10:13Wear your Math Mo badge with pride.
10:15And they did wear badges.
10:18Yeah.
10:18Did they?
10:19You did wear badges.
10:20You wore...
10:21I collected badges.
10:21How many did you?
10:22Oh.
10:23Yeah, because you go to, like, Warwick Castle and London Zoo, and in order for the Western
10:27economy to prosper, small children have to buy pointless objects.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:33You could buy all of these places.
10:34You could buy a bookmark, you could buy a paperweight.
10:37A pencil topper.
10:38And you could...
10:39Or you could buy a badge.
10:40And I always bought a badge, and that's how I expressed my personality.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47LAUGHTER
10:47LAUGHTER
10:48I didn't have to think, what shall I buy?
10:50Oh, no, I didn't have to think, I always buy a badge.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53It took him ages to take them all off before we came on here.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:57Well, thank you.
10:59Now, how can I make sure that I dream about scantily clad women?
11:04Does it work to look at a scantily clad woman just before you go to sleep?
11:08You're along the right lines, yes.
11:10There was a Frenchman with a marvellous name of Marie-Jean Léon Lecoq, the Marquis d'Hervy...
11:16Léon... Léon Lecoq.
11:18Léon Lecoq.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:19He's the Marquis d'Hervy de Saint-Denis, and he was a beardy old Victorian aristocrat,
11:24as you can see from this picture of him.
11:26There he is.
11:26Medals.
11:27So are you going to say pervert?
11:29LAUGHTER
11:29Really old Victorian pervert.
11:31What are the medals for?
11:34LAUGHTER
11:34He's looking at a scantily clad lady right there.
11:37One of those...
11:37I can tell you what they are.
11:38The first one, he went to Warwick Castle.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:45That's a pencil chopper.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:48That's a pencil chopper.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:49That's a pencil chopper.
11:49Very high-class family.
11:50That's the French David Mitchell of his age.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:52So what was his technique for dreaming of scantily clad women?
11:56Well, what he would do is he would paint a scantily clad woman all day
12:00while chewing an oris root.
12:03Oris root is used in potpourris and in perfumes and such things.
12:07And then he would go to sleep,
12:09and his servant would place while he was asleep some oris root in his mouth,
12:13very gently.
12:14And this would summon up the memory of the scantily clad woman,
12:18and he would have what is known technically as a lucid dream,
12:21a dream which you're aware of
12:22and which you have a kind of control of, a bit like...
12:25Presumably it was an improvement for the servant
12:27on what he was previously asked to do.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:31Yes, I imagine so.
12:33But there are ways you can do this for yourself without a servant,
12:36according to Richard Wiseman, who's written a new book called Night School.
12:40And one of them is you check your watch regularly, as much as you can,
12:45being absolutely sure to look at the numbers, the numerals on the watch,
12:49throughout the day.
12:50Right.
12:51And this is likely to cause you to dream of yourself looking at the watch
12:55when you're asleep.
12:56But you won't be able to see the numbers properly.
12:58And this forces you somehow to be aware that you're in a dream.
13:02You kind of know that you're looking for the numbers
13:04and that they're not there.
13:05And that kind of puts you in control,
13:07in the sort of holodeck of your dream, as it were.
13:10I can see a very serious flaw in this man's plan.
13:13Yes.
13:14What happens if one day, when you're awake, you put on a watch that doesn't have numbers,
13:19just has little lines, and you look at it later in the day and you think,
13:22Oh, brilliant, I'm in a dream.
13:25I can do what I like.
13:27I'm not really at work, the receptionist from work isn't really here.
13:31I can do what I like.
13:32I could be like Terry Thomas and call Sir Dennis an old buffoon.
13:35Exactly.
13:36People will be calling each other old buffoons all the time before you know it.
13:40I imagine in that scenario, you woke up in the office, you thought,
13:44Oh, I'm in a dream.
13:45I imagine you would quietly get on with your work.
13:47But I'm afraid...
13:49I'm sad to say, but I think that's all to happen.
13:52Apparently 50% of us have had a lucid dream in that sense, in our lives,
13:56and you're more likely to have one if you are a computer gamer as well.
14:00Which is perhaps not surprising, spending your time in that sort of, you know, grand thefting.
14:07Now on to lingerie.
14:09Now, whom did your great-great-great-great-grandmother throw her pants at?
14:13Great-great- how many greats?
14:15Four greats and a grandmother.
14:17Yeah.
14:18Victorian.
14:19If that's Scouse, though, that could be in the 70s.
14:24Oh!
14:25Oh!
14:27Oh!
14:32I love you where you go.
14:33What?
14:34I think it'll be alright.
14:35They've got a sense of humour.
14:36Don't panic.
14:37Can you do the next, like, five minutes in a Scouse voice so that we won't get letters of complaint?
14:41OK.
14:43OK, then.
14:44What were you going to say?
14:45That's good.
14:46I want some chicken, another kind of colch.
14:49I can only do Scouse if I say, I want some chicken, another kind of colch.
14:54That's all they say, isn't it?
14:55Sorry.
14:57No!
14:58They've got a sense of humour.
14:59Let's put it on to something.
15:00Disgraceful.
15:01Let's put it on to Israel or something.
15:03Let's put it on to Israel or something.
15:03Let's put it on to Israel or something.
15:06Would it be kind of like at the time, so we're talking Victor, that would be a background date.
15:11Oh, yeah.
15:11Early Victorian era.
15:12So didn't they get, the celebrities at the time were people who were doing useful things like Isambard, Kingdom, Brunel
15:19or someone.
15:20No!
15:20No one does suspension like him.
15:22He does.
15:23I love his cantilevers.
15:25I love the fact that your great, great, great, great grandmother was always old.
15:29Yeah, I think I did.
15:30Even when she was throwing her knickers at people, she was an old lady.
15:34I thought it was ridiculous.
15:34It was a celebrity of the time.
15:36He was a celebrity.
15:37And the most famous pant-throwing receptor was Tom Jones, or is Tom Jones, of course.
15:42Still very much alive and booming.
15:44What do you mean, still very much alive?
15:46Have you not seen the voice?
15:49You don't get this phenomenon of, like, throwing your pants at someone.
15:52Because at what point, do you go out with extra pants?
15:55Do you literally go, I've got the car keys, travel card, pants on, pants to throw?
15:59Oh, the gesture is meaningless, unless they're the pants you were wearing for fun.
16:04I mean, brought a bag of other pants.
16:07I love you, term of abuse.
16:09But what if you've got flares on, David, you're watching a David Cassidy thing,
16:14and you take them off, down your leg, and you take them all off?
16:17Um, we still haven't...
16:19Garibaldi.
16:20Not Garibaldi.
16:21We haven't seen you in the right area with music.
16:23He was popular, Garibaldi.
16:24Yes, but he wasn't a musician.
16:25Oh, right.
16:26Oh, is it composer?
16:27Custard Queen.
16:28Composer, but a performer, the most extraordinary performer of his day.
16:31Liszt.
16:32France Liszt is the right answer.
16:34Absolutely, well done.
16:39It looks more as if you've been attacked by a swarm of bees, but that is supposed to indicate ladies,
16:44and their husbands trying to restrain them.
16:46These women, some of them fainting, throwing kisses, you can see they're absolutely rapturous.
16:51And they were completely astounded by this man, his virtuosity.
16:56Was he as good as Liberace?
16:59I knew that would upset him.
17:01Look at him, he's livid.
17:03He was an astounding composer as well as a remarkable pianist.
17:07And, of course, he was exploiting the new developments in pianos and the arrival of the pianoforte as opposed to
17:12the fortepiano which preceded it.
17:14And he was remarkable for many other reasons as well.
17:17He had affairs with a lot of people, including Lola Montes.
17:20Do you know Lola Montes?
17:21An extraordinary Irish woman who'd had an affair with the Ludwig of Bavaria and caused a revolution in Bavaria, in
17:27fact.
17:27There she is.
17:28And he then, amazingly, became an abbot.
17:31An abbot, essentially.
17:32A man of the cloth.
17:33He was very thin and tall, Charles Halley said.
17:36His perfectly lank hair so long that it spreads over his shoulders, which looks very odd.
17:40When he only gets excited and gesticulates, it falls right over his face and one sees nothing of his nose.
17:44So he was like an old English sheepdog back in that sense.
17:47He had Olga Janina, who was a former pupil with whom he'd had a fling,
17:50who pursued him all over Europe and eventually got so upset and hysterical
17:54that she stalked him and tried to stab him and commit suicide.
17:58So he really, you know, he was a star. I mean, a real, real star.
18:02That's it. It's a very odd thing, that.
18:03The idea that, like, the guy that killed John Lennon was such a huge fan of John Lennon.
18:07It's a very weird thing when people get so...
18:08Rich man kills the thing he loves.
18:09Let this be known.
18:11Brave man does it with a sword that...
18:12How many fans have you got, Jimmy?
18:15Well, I'd love to be worried.
18:19It's a lovely level of fame, a comedian, I think.
18:21People come up and tell you jokes all day, which is very pleasant.
18:23But no-one's ever outside your house going,
18:26I've got a major cake.
18:29There's always the Daily Mail, Jimmy. They're always a...
18:34They're happy, yeah.
18:36So, yeah, the ladies went loopy for Liszt.
18:39The Justin Bieber of his day, that's hardly right.
18:42Come on.
18:42But, you know...
18:43All right, Harry Styles.
18:44He was a great... Stop it. He was a genius.
18:46Total genius.
18:47Now, for a game of Spot the Leaf,
18:49I want you to tell me how many leaves are in this picture.
18:52Well, that's going to be easy.
18:53Le-le-le-le.
18:55Six.
18:56Six.
18:57Six.
18:58What is that?
18:59Willingly.
19:00It's going to be five and a creepy crawly.
19:02Five and a creepy crawly is the right.
19:03Creepy crawly is the technical term.
19:05He is pretty good, though, isn't he?
19:06He is. He's very impressive.
19:08I mean, even, you know, little sort of disease marks.
19:10And you'll see, we have actually film of him.
19:12He kind of waves in the wind like a leaf.
19:15Insects, of course, get eaten whole by birds,
19:17and so his strategy is to look like that,
19:18but the problem is he can't forget bits of himself nibbled by caterpillars.
19:22And so...
19:23So, it's...
19:23It's kind of got to be a bit careful with your...
19:26Looking like a leaf.
19:26Look at that.
19:27The caterpillars live it as what kind of...
19:28I'm a vegetarian.
19:29Well, that's it, exactly.
19:30So they take one bite and go,
19:31that's not what I wanted at all.
19:33What is it?
19:33What does he eat?
19:34Good point.
19:35I think he eats leaves being...
19:36So, he looks like his own lunch.
19:39Yes.
19:40That is what you call me,
19:42hoisted by your own petard.
19:43Somewhat, definitely.
19:44If I looked at myself in the mirror,
19:46and I looked like some delicious mashed potato.
19:49You know, the way I do.
19:52It doesn't do my self-esteem any good.
19:54Do you think he ever looks at his wife and goes,
19:56oh, she looks amazing.
19:57Tasty, yeah.
19:58Very tasty.
19:59I'm ravenous.
20:00It's psyllidae called walking leaves,
20:02or leaf insects, many other things.
20:03These are found in Southeast Asia and Australia,
20:05but we have also the satanic leaf-tailed gecko,
20:09which looks like an autumnal leaf.
20:11That is extraordinary.
20:11Isn't that good?
20:13Because it's in the dry,
20:14deciduous forests of Madagascar,
20:16and there it curls up like a curled-up leaf.
20:19That's amazing.
20:19But can he only come out in autumn?
20:21Well, it's an interesting point.
20:23I've been to the deciduous forests of Madagascar,
20:25and it was in the summer,
20:26and there was so much of dead litter on the ground.
20:29It's dry.
20:29They are dry forests.
20:30Yeah.
20:30So I think he's probably, all year round,
20:32it's kind of okay to be on this kind of...
20:34Yeah, stuff on...
20:35There he is.
20:36Amazing, really.
20:37Either that, or living in the 70s,
20:39he'd be fine, wouldn't he?
20:40Yeah.
20:41Or...
20:41They don't exist in someone's drawn eyes on the leaf.
20:44It's worth considering that.
20:46Now, there's...
20:47Rather astonishing,
20:48there's a plant that's a master of disguise.
20:51See if you can spot which plant.
20:52Looks like a badger.
20:53No.
20:55No.
20:56I mean, that...
20:56I would say, if it's trying to not look like a plant,
20:58it's failed.
21:03Does it look like another plant?
21:04Is that what it's doing?
21:05Well, that's it.
21:06One of those leaves is actually a totally different species,
21:08and it's made itself look like that species.
21:11There you do.
21:12The arrow's pointing at it.
21:13It's only recently been discovered that that's a totally different species.
21:16I think the point is,
21:18it tries to look like a leaf that isn't very digestible or pleasant,
21:21because it itself is,
21:22and so it has learnt how to look like something that is not tasty.
21:26Why didn't it learn not to be tasty?
21:31Well, the deliciousness is a given.
21:35Give living things millions of years,
21:37and they will just go through strange processes.
21:39Did chocolate sauce evolve to look like diarrhoea?
21:44So that people wouldn't eat it?
21:45Yeah, it might be diarrhoea.
21:47I think, this seems like quite a nice restaurant.
21:48I doubt it is diarrhoea.
21:50You can give it a slip first.
21:55My God gave us noses, I think.
21:58Leaves aren't always what they seem.
22:01Now, a question about larceny.
22:02Where did the 40 shoplifting elephants hide their loot?
22:08In a cave?
22:09Mmm!
22:11Like Alibaba's thieves.
22:12Alibaba's thieves.
22:13Yeah, 40.
22:13In their trunks.
22:15Oh!
22:16Thank you!
22:18Totally worth it, David.
22:19Totally worth it.
22:20Somebody had a four on their sword,
22:21and that was very noble.
22:22No.
22:23The elephants existed from the 1700s
22:25all the way up to the 1950s.
22:27They took their name from an area of London
22:30that has the word elephant in it,
22:31which would be...
22:32Elephant and Castle.
22:32Elephant and Castle.
22:34That's right.
22:35Is this the pickpocket gang?
22:37Not pickpocket.
22:39There were a gang of shoplifters,
22:41and they had special clothing made,
22:43and special muffs,
22:44and special false hands,
22:45and all kinds of things,
22:46and they would sometimes attack all kinds of shops
22:48at the same time,
22:49and then have huge lavish parties to celebrate.
22:52And put their foil in your coats.
22:54Yeah, or...
22:54Any number of clever little tactics.
22:56Because when you go out,
22:57it doesn't go bleep bleep.
22:58Yeah, that's...
23:00Don't tell the natives.
23:02I haven't told them how they get caught.
23:05A friend of mine wrote an article
23:06about a current group of really serious shoplifters
23:10called the Oysters,
23:11and he called them up and said,
23:12why are you called the Oysters?
23:14Is it something to do with, you know,
23:14because you can clam things shut over you?
23:17He said,
23:17Well, because we hoist stuff, isn't it?
23:24You had to go through a change,
23:26do a global search and replace
23:28to a hoister.
23:30But these were hoisters.
23:31The hoister cult.
23:32Yeah, the hoister.
23:32We know other things about real elephants
23:34who are criminals.
23:35In 2013, not that long ago,
23:38the second tallest elephant in India
23:40was arrested for murder.
23:43It's rather unfair.
23:44Did it run amok?
23:44Because that's what they do.
23:45They always run amok.
23:46They run amok.
23:46That's the phrase.
23:47There was an elephant that was hung.
23:49Is that the one you're talking about?
23:50The elephant that was hung?
23:51I think they're all pretty well hung.
23:54Yeah, there was one that was hanged.
23:56You're absolutely right.
23:57We've covered this.
23:58I heard about some criminals.
23:59It was a smuggler.
24:01Do you know this story?
24:02It's a famous story.
24:03From Pakistan to Afghanistan,
24:04there was a famous smuggler
24:06who used to smuggle things across the border.
24:08Right.
24:08He was known as a brilliant smuggler.
24:10And they used to stop him at border control
24:12and they would check these elephants
24:13and be like, what have you got here?
24:14Go through all the bags.
24:16And they could never find the contraband.
24:18And eventually he was like, he was retiring.
24:20They said, look, you've got to tell us.
24:21One of the guys bumps into him.
24:23What were you smuggling all those years?
24:24He went, elephants.
24:29There's something about that.
24:31This is entirely beautiful.
24:32So the 40 elephants were lady shoplifters
24:35with lots of loot in their muffs.
24:37Who has the world's largest love handles
24:39and what do they use them for?
24:42Eric Pickles.
24:43Oh dear!
24:46You are joking!
24:49You are joking!
24:52You are joking!
24:53Can you see?
24:53Shall we come on?
24:56Oh, I've forgotten about that.
24:58Blue whale?
24:59Not the blue whale.
25:02Sorry.
25:02So it's not the blue whale, but I'm close.
25:05You are.
25:05A barnacle.
25:08Stay with cetaceous creatures.
25:11Stay with a mammal.
25:12It's a whale.
25:13It's a whale.
25:14It's a whale.
25:15And it begins with a bee.
25:16Blue whale.
25:18Do you have another look, Stephen?
25:19Because I'm pretty sure I got it right.
25:21There are other kinds of whales that begin with a bee.
25:23Um, bum whale.
25:24There's a bowhead.
25:25Big whale.
25:26Big whale.
25:26What's the most famous and expensive kind of caviar?
25:30Beluga whale.
25:31Beluga whale.
25:32Yes.
25:33There one is.
25:34Look at it.
25:34That was gag.
25:34Hello.
25:37Hello.
25:41Hello.
25:42Hello.
25:43Hello.
25:43I'm going to do the whale now.
25:46Hello.
25:49This is all I can do.
25:53He's very chirpy.
25:54They have no dorsal fin.
25:55I haven't got a dorsal fin in there.
26:07I don't feel cold.
26:09I don't feel cold.
26:11They don't because of their blubber.
26:13Adore the blubber.
26:14And they have a midriff blubber.
26:17Which they can control.
26:18Human love handles, baby.
26:19Yeah.
26:21They control their love handles with special muscles.
26:24So that's how they move around and that's how they, that's how they, you know.
26:28That's how I roll.
26:30Exactly.
26:32Exactly.
26:32Exactly right.
26:38They move up and down with their love handles and they're hunted by the local Inupiaq people
26:43in the Arctic.
26:45I hate them.
26:47You've got a career in animation ahead, haven't you?
26:52It's like, it's like Richard Attenborough's program to be re-voiced by South Park.
26:57There is no show that wouldn't be improved by re-revoiced by South Park.
27:02It's true.
27:04And their fat is called muck-tuck and is highly prized by the Inuits and the Inupiaq because
27:09it's high in vitamin C, surprisingly.
27:12Oh, look at that.
27:12Double chips for that.
27:13Mmm, there's one in Baltimore.
27:15Yeah, yeah.
27:16The beluga whale.
27:17Full of love handles.
27:19Just by that guy pointing at it in the front there.
27:22Yeah.
27:22You feel that?
27:23Guess you haven't spied it.
27:26Look, there's a whale.
27:28The other guy's pointing at it.
27:30Darling, there he is.
27:31There he is.
27:32There he is.
27:33Where is it?
27:34There!
27:35You can't see.
27:36He's there.
27:37He's there.
27:39The other guy there.
27:40He's there.
27:41Sorry, I don't recognise anything.
27:43The other guy living is not wearing a hat.
27:47Anyway, the beluga whales steady themselves with the world's largest love handles.
27:52All that we caught we left behind and carry away all that we did not catch.
27:59What am I talking about?
28:01Bannerial disease.
28:05Somewhere along the line, I'm sure.
28:07What I'd already caught, I left behind by giving it to other people.
28:11By breathing it out.
28:12Yeah.
28:12By breathing it out.
28:13Yeah.
28:13Well, it is a riddle.
28:14It was a riddle given to a man of mythic status so much so we don't even know if he
28:18existed
28:19and yet his name is incredibly famous and there are statues of him even though we don't know that he
28:23existed.
28:24Arthur.
28:24No, older than that, an oracle, the most famous of the oracles in the western canon of Delphi.
28:30Delphi.
28:30Yeah.
28:31Told him that he would die on the island of Eios and that he should beware the riddles of young
28:36children.
28:37And this man went round the Greek islands as a minstrel because that's what he did.
28:42He sang poems.
28:43Orpheus.
28:44To a lyre.
28:45So they were lyric, but they're known as epic in fact.
28:49The great epic poems of Greek civilization, the two are Homer.
28:53Homer.
28:54And it's Homer we're thinking of.
28:55And Homer supposedly in this story went to Eios where he encountered a group of fisher boys.
29:00He went to Eios but the guy just said don't go.
29:02I know.
29:02But all that happens in Greek myths went to do with the Delphi.
29:06I mean think of Eios.
29:06Don't listen.
29:07I know.
29:08Sometimes the oracle is sort of quite enigmatic and difficult.
29:11It's very, yes.
29:11But if he said don't go to Eios.
29:13That's really terrible.
29:14You know.
29:15Anyway, Homer went to Eios and he encountered a group of fisher boys.
29:19He asked them what they'd caught and they gave him this riddle.
29:21And I'll repeat it again.
29:21All that we caught we left behind and carry away all that we did not catch.
29:26And he suddenly remembered Homer.
29:27Oh my God I shouldn't have asked riddles and I'm on Eios.
29:29And maybe that's the thing about being cursed or having a prophecy is that you stop concentrating.
29:34He slipped, cracked his head, died.
29:36Oh.
29:37They'd have gone to Argos.
29:38They'd have gone to Argos.
29:39They'd have gone to Argos.
29:40You'd get everything there.
29:43Argos was Jason's ship of course wasn't it?
29:45Hence the Argonauts.
29:46Yes.
29:46Yes.
29:47Yes.
29:48The Argos, the chain, they call their staff Argonauts to this day.
29:52Oh do they?
29:52No.
29:58Oh no.
30:00Oh no.
30:01Oh no.
30:03Oh no.
30:05So I'm going to give you two riddles from the Essex book.
30:08Oh by the way what's the solution?
30:09I haven't given you the solution I'm thinking of.
30:11The solution is lice.
30:13Lice you see.
30:14You catch the lice in your hair you leave them behind.
30:16Yes.
30:17And you carry away those you don't catch because they're stuck in your head.
30:20Yeah the knits.
30:21Exactly.
30:21The knits.
30:22The worst fisherman ever.
30:23The knits.
30:24I know.
30:25But I've got the Essex book one of the great Anglo-Saxon books.
30:27Oh I've got an Essex riddle.
30:28It's filled with riddles.
30:29No Exeter sorry.
30:30Oh sorry.
30:31So go on then with your Essex riddle.
30:32No you want to say it.
30:33How do you turn the lights on after sex?
30:35Open the car door.
30:36Oh!
30:37So moving, moving way west, way west all the way to Devon.
30:41We're in Exeter.
30:42One of the great works of Anglo-Saxon literature.
30:43The Exeter book.
30:44Written in the 10th century.
30:45Contains more than 90 riddles.
30:47Most of which are rather rude.
30:48Here's one.
30:48My stem is erect.
30:50I stand up over the bed.
30:52Hairy somewhere down below.
30:54A peasant's daughter lays her hand on me.
30:57Seizes me.
30:58Red.
30:58Plunders my head.
31:00Confines me in a stronghold.
31:02Wet be that eye.
31:05What is being referred to?
31:07Shagging.
31:07My junk.
31:10Surely it's shagging.
31:11That's the point.
31:12It's at red.
31:13It makes you think though.
31:14It's full of doublon tendre.
31:16So obviously it's made to sound like a penis.
31:18Is it a plant or something?
31:19It is a plant.
31:20But wet be that eye.
31:22What plant wets your eye?
31:24And is hairy down below.
31:25When you pull it out of the ground.
31:27Like a novelty flower?
31:28What wets?
31:29Audience?
31:31You must feel ashamed of yourself.
31:35Another one.
31:35A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man under its master's cloak.
31:39It is pierced through in the front.
31:42It is stiff and hard.
31:43And when the man pulls up his own robe above his knee,
31:45he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing.
31:48That familiar hole of matching length,
31:51which he has often filled before.
31:57Just kiss me Steve.
32:01All this messing around.
32:07Sounds like shagging again.
32:10It hangs by his thigh.
32:12It's a heel to the sword.
32:15It's a heel to the sword.
32:15Keys is the right answer to key.
32:17It's a key.
32:17A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man.
32:19He's obviously hanging up by their belt.
32:20Under its master's cloak.
32:21It's pierced through in the front, as it is.
32:23A pierced piece of iron.
32:24Sure.
32:24It is stiff and hard.
32:26No question about that.
32:27When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee,
32:29he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing
32:32that familiar hole of matching length,
32:34which is the keyhole.
32:36Which he has often filled before.
32:37Because he's unlocked the door before.
32:39And it's a key.
32:39It's quite clever.
32:41They did have time on their hands.
32:43That's absolutely right.
32:43It was a job for today.
32:45Let's find an incredibly rude way of referring to a key.
32:49And they were presumably religious figures
32:51because they were reading and writing in the 10th century.
32:54So, there you are.
32:55Now for the riddle of the sphincter
32:57that we call General Ignorance.
32:59Fingers on mushroomoids, please.
33:01How many Spartans died at the Battle of Thermopylae?
33:04Oh.
33:06This could be 300.
33:10Well, I saw a documentary about this.
33:12Yep.
33:13And I'm pretty sure.
33:14It's definitely 300.
33:15The film is called 300.
33:17Is there not a thing that one...
33:19Because there weren't just Spartans there.
33:21Sparta!
33:21There were...
33:23That is how it's pronounced.
33:25There weren't just Spartans there.
33:28There were other...
33:29But I think one of the Spartans...
33:31The Spartans...
33:32There was a narrow coastal past that was defended just by Spartans.
33:35300 of them.
33:36Plus their king, played by Gerald Butler, who was...
33:39Sparta!
33:40Called...
33:40The 301st?
33:42His name was...
33:42He was the 301st.
33:44Leonid...
33:45Leonidus.
33:46Leonidus, if you prefer.
33:47Leonidus.
33:48Or Leonidus.
33:49Leonidus now got a chain of chocolate shops.
33:50I haven't brought up to call him Leonidus.
33:53Leonidus.
33:54Leonidus.
33:54Seems to be the way now.
33:55I don't know.
33:55Who knows?
33:56Leonidus or Leonidus.
33:58He defended a narrow coastal past and so they're 301.
34:00Only 299 Spartans died though, so it leaves two who didn't.
34:05And Leonidus did.
34:06Two survived because they never took part.
34:08Mike and Bernie Winters.
34:10A lot of nudity going on, which was a very Spartan thing.
34:14The couple by the tree seemed very fond of each other,
34:17once grasping the nipple of the other.
34:23So swords casually laid against them.
34:26So much effort and not put your pants on.
34:28I know.
34:30Is there something about one of the ones that they were ashamed?
34:34They were desperately ashamed.
34:35One called, rather wonderfully, Pantitties.
34:40It's a bit like...
34:41Do you mean Pantitus?
34:45There was an MP who was introduced to Churchill.
34:48His name was Bossom.
34:49And Churchill said,
34:51neither one thing nor the other.
34:54But anyway, Pantitties or Pantitties or whatever it was,
34:58Pantitties went off to deliver a diplomatic message, apparently,
35:00an embassy.
35:01And he hanged himself from shame when he got back
35:03and saw that he was the only survivor.
35:04In fact, he wasn't the only survivor
35:05because Euritus couldn't fight because of an eye infection.
35:09The Spartans have taken all the credit for them winning the battle of Thermopylae,
35:11but it was very much a combined effort with the Athenians,
35:13who were their allies at the time.
35:14And Herodotus, known as the father of history,
35:17who was born four years after the battle,
35:18is the closest contemporary source.
35:20And he estimated the Greeks numbered about 5,000.
35:23He was born four years after it had happened.
35:25Yeah.
35:25And he's the best we can do.
35:27Oh, well, that's all right then.
35:28No one else wrote it.
35:29That's better than a lot of ancient history, isn't it?
35:32The father of history, what's he called?
35:34Herodotus.
35:34Herodotus.
35:35Because it must have been a lot easier when he was around.
35:37I'm not having a go at him.
35:38No, it's a fair point.
35:39But less things have happened back then.
35:41Fewer things.
35:41Yes.
35:45Common usage.
35:47Common usage.
35:48It's so like being back at school.
35:50It's unbelievable.
35:53Apparently, you can say less if you want to now.
35:56Apparently, you can just say what you like these days.
35:58You can literally say less if you want to.
36:00Apparently, you're not allowed to scream idiot at people.
36:04What was the point in getting an education at all?
36:08I know how to use the apostrophe.
36:10Apparently, now it doesn't matter.
36:20What I want, I want the time it took me to learn that back.
36:26You need to be less bothered about this or fewer bothered.
36:30You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing.
36:33Just let it go.
36:34You're upset.
36:37No.
36:38What type of birds did the Birdman keep in his cell in Alcatraz?
36:43Is it a canary?
36:44A canary.
36:45A canary.
36:46A canary.
36:48I can't believe I got a buzzer again.
36:49I might be close because last time I said 300, it was 299.
36:53A canary.
36:54A canary.
36:54Did he keep them in the cell?
36:55Did they come to the window?
36:56I can't remember the film now.
36:57It was Bert Lancaster, wasn't it?
36:59It wasn't allowed.
37:00Oh, wow.
37:01Well done, audience.
37:02Very good.
37:08You weren't allowed birds in the cell, weren't you?
37:10No.
37:10He was in his previous prison, which is why he was called the Birdman.
37:13And he ended up in Alcatraz, which is why I suppose he was called the Birdman of Alcatraz.
37:16But he was an amazing expert on canaries, so that was his bird of choice.
37:21I don't know what this is.
37:21And sparrows.
37:22I know.
37:24299, I was one away.
37:26Canaries?
37:26They said canaries.
37:27What do you want from me?
37:28Do you know his name?
37:30Robert Franklin Stroud.
37:32And he was moved to the Great Rock, as they call it, from which no one escapes.
37:37According to Patrick McGowan.
37:39Welcome to the rock.
37:39Yes.
37:40Sean Connery got out, yeah.
37:42Patrick McGowan.
37:43To the rock.
37:43Yes.
37:44Welcome to the rock.
37:48One more time, we'll go again.
37:50Welcome to the rock.
37:52So kind.
37:53And we can have a look at Alcatraz.
37:54That's the inside.
37:55You can do a tour of it.
37:56I've done a tour of it.
37:57Have you?
37:57Great.
37:58I liked it a lot.
37:59But they used to put people in the cells.
38:01All the cell doors, they can open them from one end or they slide,
38:04because they don't have doors that open.
38:05Yes, that's right.
38:07They put prisoners in them.
38:09Tourists, I mean, in them, and then one day they couldn't get them out.
38:11So they had some tourists in there for ten hours.
38:13And lots of other tourists coming past.
38:19Who all suddenly were on much better behaviour.
38:23They didn't buy anything from the gift shop.
38:26It's very clearly from San Francisco.
38:28It looks so near.
38:29And it was quite easy to escape from your jail and swim.
38:33But nobody survived the swim.
38:34Even though it seems quite a short distance.
38:36Because the currents are so strong.
38:38Oh, right.
38:39It's swept away.
38:40And Alcatraz, of course, is a word of what origin, would you imagine?
38:44Mexico.
38:45Well, imagine Spanish language.
38:47Yes, indeed.
38:47Indeed.
38:47And a lot of the Spanish words come from...
38:50Spain.
38:53Alcón falchis.
38:54Alcón falchis.
38:56Alcón falchis.
38:57Alcón falchis.
38:57It comes with al, so like alhambra and...
39:01Al moz.
39:01Al moz.
39:02The moz, it's an Arabic word.
39:03From Arabic.
39:04And oddly enough, in Spanish, Alcatraz means gannets, seabirds.
39:09But it used to mean pelicans.
39:11So when they've called the rock Alcatraz, they were calling it after the pelicans.
39:15But the actual Arabic words mean something completely different, the sea eagle.
39:21So it's a strange thing.
39:22Alcatraz was the sea eagle.
39:24Then it was used to mean the pelican by the Spanish.
39:27And then they changed it to mean the gannet.
39:28So confusing, but that was how it changed its meaning.
39:32You were allowed hot showers in Alcatraz, but not cold ones.
39:35Why would that be?
39:36Hot showers, but not cold ones.
39:38No, because, I don't know.
39:40It's so that you wouldn't be acclimatised to the cold water.
39:43Cold water.
39:44Yes.
39:47You were going to be that determined though.
39:49You wouldn't just dip your feet in and go,
39:51Oh, but look, I think I'll go back in actually.
39:52That's a mistake.
39:53Have they not done it now?
39:54You get these Iron Men that do these incredible things.
39:56They probably...
39:56Someone must have done it.
39:57But some of the prisoners who did escape were never found.
40:00So it was assumed, I think, to keep the reputation.
40:03But they may have escaped.
40:05It probably suited everyone.
40:06Yeah, because they didn't want the myth of Alcatraz to die.
40:10Who was the first person to put stuff between two slices of bread and eating?
40:16Lord Sandwich.
40:17Oh!
40:18What a great pity.
40:20I knew that.
40:20You were doing so well.
40:21I knew that.
40:22The Earl of Sandwich certainly gave his name to what we call the sarnie or the sandwich or the butty,
40:26all kinds of words for it, but...
40:29Was it the Earl of Butty?
40:30Yes.
40:32You know that mankind has been making bread for 30,000 years,
40:35and it seems inconceivable that no human being decided to put something between two of those.
40:41So we're just assuming it just must have been ages ago.
40:45Well, yes.
40:45We do know for a fact that 1,200 years ago there was a Hillel the Elder, a rabbi in
40:50first century BC,
40:52first person known to have made and eaten a sandwich.
40:54in which he started the Passover custom, putting a mixture of chopped nuts,
40:57apple spices and wine between two flatbreads.
40:59That's a pechawari naan.
41:00What?
41:02Oh, I'd love a pechawari naan.
41:04I'd love to have one right now, wouldn't you?
41:07Oh!
41:08You're just mopping up the end.
41:09Oh!
41:11Oh!
41:14With all the almonds and the coconut in it.
41:16We put in a good shift, shall we?
41:18I'd prefer a plain naan.
41:21Oh, what's the matter with you?
41:25You've got a badge for that?
41:26It's always one, isn't it?
41:27Every lady!
41:28No!
41:29No!
41:29Give her a badge for a plain naan.
41:31So we'll have five pechawari naan's and one per hand.
41:36So anyway, John Montague was the fourth Earl of Sandwich,
41:38certainly gave his name to it in our culture, as it were, in our...
41:41He's on Gogglebox now, the Earl of Sandwich.
41:43Is he?
41:54And the idea was that he just called for it because he was very busy.
41:57Most people think gambling, because he was an investor gambler,
42:00though his biography says actually he was very busy with his ministerial work.
42:03He was Postmaster General, he was First Lord of the Admiralty.
42:05Before that was...
42:07Never mind all that.
42:07When he got together with Mr. Branston...
42:10Oh!
42:10It was magic.
42:12Moida!
42:12It was Moida!
42:14When they got together with Moida!
42:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:17So anyway, that's the last of the questions.
42:20Let's see who's Victor Ludorum.
42:22Oh!
42:22Oh!
42:23My actual God.
42:25No, I can't.
42:26Erm...
42:26I'm going to say in last place with minus 29 is...
42:30The girl of many faces and voices...
42:32...Royanne Conor!
42:34Why are you doing that?
42:35Why are you doing that?
42:38And third place with minus 11 is Jimmy Carr.
42:41Definitely acceptable.
42:42Minus 11 is fine.
42:44Fine.
42:45In second place with minus 7, it's David Mitchell.
42:51And I'll be uttering these words with a plus score.
42:56Three points, Alan Davis!
43:07And that is all from Ronnie, Jimmy, David, Alan and me.
43:11And I leave you with the last words of Nancy Lady Astor.
43:14Waking up to find her bed surrounded by her entire family as she was dying,
43:18She said, am I dying?
43:19Or is it my birthday?
43:21Good night.
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