- 3 weeks ago
First broadcast 8th November 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sarah Millican
Jason Manford
Ian Robinson (as Dr. Ian Robinson)
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sarah Millican
Jason Manford
Ian Robinson (as Dr. Ian Robinson)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Welcome to True Eye, where tonight we're playing for Keeps.
00:05Keeping his eye on the ball, Jason Manford.
00:11Keeping her ear to the ground, Sarah Millican.
00:18Keeping his nose to the grindstone, Bill Bailey.
00:24And keeping his pecker up in spite of everything, Alan Davis.
00:33And I'll be keeping the peace, everything on track, and the score.
00:38So, Jeepers Creepers, let's hear your peepers.
00:40Jason goes...
00:41Keep on moving.
00:46Sarah goes...
00:47Keep on running.
00:50Keep on hiding.
00:53Bill goes...
00:54Keep on rocking.
00:57Keep on rocking.
01:00Nice.
01:01Nice.
01:02And Alan goes...
01:03We'll keep a welcome in the inside.
01:08The voice of your forefathers there.
01:10The ancestors, isn't it?
01:11Keeping a welcome in the inside.
01:12You did that.
01:13So, before we start...
01:15What are they in Pakistanis?
01:17Stop it.
01:18Stop it right now.
01:20I'm going to lay down the law.
01:21Keep bringing it.
01:21Like the teacher's first day at school, he's strict, just so that people are afraid of him.
01:25Yes.
01:26Authority's got to be laid down.
01:27I'm not going to have...
01:28Right.
01:29Yes.
01:30How's that going?
01:31I'm trying to get all empty.
01:33Yes.
01:33Before we start.
01:34Mocking my Welsh accent.
01:48You stop halfway through, isn't it?
01:51Isn't it?
01:51Yes.
01:52It's Donald Street now.
01:54Yeah, I stop halfway through, isn't it?
01:56That's like that.
01:57Right.
01:58Okay.
01:58All right.
01:59Stephen Fry.
02:00Yeah.
02:01That's it.
02:03Anyway, an easy K-series question to start us going at.
02:07I still think in pounds and ounces, but what unit does modern science use to measure weight?
02:13Kilograms?
02:14Oh!
02:16There you go.
02:17First word!
02:18First word!
02:19Kilograms, no.
02:20What does kilogram weigh?
02:212.2 pounds.
02:24What does it measure?
02:26Say, what does the kilogram measure?
02:27Weight.
02:28Weight.
02:28No.
02:30Kilograms.
02:30It measures water.
02:31Water.
02:31Grams.
02:32Rucksacks.
02:32There are 1,000 grams in a kilogram, but what is it actually measuring?
02:36In my case, a crying lady.
02:38What quantity?
02:40What aspect of a thing or an object?
02:43Hatred.
02:43Hatred and vileness.
02:45Vile.
02:46Vile.
02:47Sarcasm.
02:48I don't know.
02:49Perversion.
02:51No.
02:52Mass.
02:54Mass.
02:54It's mass.
02:55How many points does it get for that?
02:57A few.
02:58Yeah.
02:59You, I'm afraid, get taken away a few.
03:01I don't mind.
03:01That's it.
03:01You're in minus already.
03:02But you can get your points back if you can tell me what weight is measured in.
03:05So this is the time I shouldn't say kilograms again?
03:07Yeah, it doesn't begin with K.
03:10No.
03:10No.
03:11Try it in.
03:11In the audience?
03:12What?
03:28Kilograms.
03:29Yeah, I see what you did there.
03:30No, the weight is the force resulting from gravity of mass, and that is how it acts on the earth,
03:34is weight.
03:35And of course it varies according to the amount of gravity.
03:38That's right.
03:38Which is why it's not a constant, which is why, you know, so if you're in a lift even, you
03:41weigh slightly less, I know it sounds weird, but you weigh slightly less when you're dropping and slightly more when
03:47you're going up.
03:47If you stood on scales, if you were using them for weight.
03:49On the scales in my bathroom, they, um, God bless them, work horses that they are.
03:54Yeah.
03:56When the batteries start going, because it's only got three digits, it says, it starts the word error, so it
04:02says E-double-R.
04:03But when you get on it, everything just goes, E-double-R.
04:08It's like them not really wanting to tell you.
04:10How much do I weigh?
04:12E-double-R.
04:15Do you really want to hear this?
04:17And then they say, how much do you usually weigh?
04:21I don't have bathroom scales, I've just got kitchen scales.
04:25Well, you could try and...
04:25But I have measured bits of me on the arm.
04:28Can you guess which bits?
04:30The left one's heavier.
04:31Is it?
04:32By how much?
04:34Uh, some Newtons.
04:36There you go.
04:37Very good.
04:39What is the bear?
04:40The bear's not happy about this, really, is it?
04:42Being weighed in a sack.
04:43It's like some sort of Arctic, uh, Weight Watchers or something.
04:47He's actually the fattest bear.
04:49He's like, I can't believe I used three points this week or another.
04:52It's just me glands, it's me glands.
04:55I'm a big bone.
04:57I'm a bear, come on.
04:58Let me take me earrings out.
05:01The kilogram is the only metric measure that still relies on a physical object,
05:05which is called the International Prototype Kilogram.
05:11And where do you think it's kept?
05:12Is it kept in the National Physics Laboratory?
05:15The National Physical Laboratory?
05:16No, it isn't.
05:17The Queen.
05:17There is a replica of it in the National Physical Laboratory.
05:20Yeah.
05:20Here is...
05:22Everything's in the nation.
05:23There you go.
05:24Oh, it's there.
05:25Do we have Ian Robinson from the National Physical Laboratory?
05:27No, he's raising his hand.
05:29This belongs to you, yes?
05:31It belongs to NPL, yes.
05:32And this is a replica of the original IPK, yeah?
05:36It's the same size, but it weighs 400 grams rather than...
05:40Weighs or has mass off?
05:42It's massive.
05:42Yeah.
05:44You're a liar.
05:45And this is what's inside the case.
05:47It's so incredibly susceptible to either adding weight to it
05:51or taking weight away.
05:52The acidity of the fingers, the addition of dust.
05:55The original is...
05:55Well, where did the metric system originate?
05:58Beuth Wells.
06:00I don't know.
06:01France.
06:01France, you do know.
06:02Of course, of course, yes.
06:03Of course, you know.
06:03So it's actually outside Paris.
06:04And there's Cervé, where the porcelain comes from.
06:06It's made out of platinum iridium.
06:09And they're worried that it's put on the weight of a small grain of sand
06:13over the period since it was first made in 1879.
06:18So they're going to change.
06:19They're going to change next year, possibly, or 2014,
06:22to using Planck's universal quantum constant instead of...
06:26Oh, yes.
06:26Thank God for that.
06:27Yeah.
06:28Then they won't have to worry about bits of dust.
06:30What a worry as well, yeah.
06:31Yeah, what a worry.
06:33Thank you, Ian Robinson and the National Physical Abroadry.
06:35Thank you very much.
06:40Is there different parts of the world that you could go
06:42and weigh, more or less, if you went to a...
06:44Yes, I mean, we'd all weigh less than that.
06:48Yeah.
06:50And light.
06:50How much does light weigh?
06:52And does it sound way more than light?
06:54If you had a bit of sound there and a bit of light,
06:55you wouldn't do that.
06:57No.
06:59That's a bit suggestive, isn't it?
07:02Can you get in the bed before you put the light out?
07:05Ah, that's true, isn't it?
07:06Yeah.
07:07Turn in the light so it doesn't...
07:08And then you get in the bed before it went dark.
07:10Oh, yeah.
07:11Well, it's difficult, but it can be done.
07:13It can.
07:15Did Muhammad Ali say that, didn't he?
07:17He was so fast he could get into bed before the light went off.
07:20Yeah, I think someone said,
07:21just get a bedside light.
07:24Because he's one of those ones.
07:26And then you can clap when you're in bed,
07:28and who doesn't like that?
07:29Ah, yes, but when...
07:30Ah, that's very interesting, then,
07:31because then you see what the sound...
07:32You just turn the camera off.
07:33What, sir?
07:34You just turn the camera off.
07:35Could you do two?
07:36Could you do two now?
07:39Oh, sorry.
07:41You used the same system.
07:43You didn't expect anybody to clap.
07:44What just happened?
07:45You turned the camera off by clapping.
07:47Just the whole universe.
07:48Just...
07:51Yeah.
07:53If I could get that.
07:54Don't clap.
07:55What would happen...
08:01If...
08:01No, I'm just saying it was rhetorical.
08:03I was just saying...
08:06There's a question.
08:07What would happen, Stephen?
08:08Discuss.
08:10Let's see whose house it is.
08:12It is.
08:14Now, we were talking about bits and bytes.
08:15What is kilobyte, in fact?
08:17How many bytes in a kilobyte?
08:19Thousand?
08:20Thousand?
08:20Hundred?
08:21Thousand?
08:21Ten thousand?
08:22One hundred thousand.
08:23I want a million.
08:24No, no, it's a...
08:25Nine.
08:26Nine?
08:27I'd just like to be different.
08:28Four to two.
08:29Anyone in the audience?
08:31Oh, the audience gets a big penalty.
08:42Unfortunately, our team isn't intelligent enough to know the wrong answer.
08:50You thought it was two to the ten, which is a thousand and twenty-four.
08:54But actually, according to the International Electro-Technical Commission,
08:58it is now one thousand, as you said, is the right answer.
09:01It's a thousand bytes.
09:02So I beat all those people, then?
09:03You did, by...
09:04Didn't you say ten, a hundred, a thousand?
09:06Yeah.
09:08You did?
09:10Yeah, but...
09:22I'm sorry about that.
09:23It's not my fault.
09:24No, I'm not blaming you, Stephen.
09:25It's just...
09:25I know.
09:27Now then, finders keepers, losers weepers, right?
09:29That's the rules.
09:30Yes, it is.
09:31Yes.
09:32Oh.
09:33What?
09:33What?
09:34What?
09:34Hey, you took me up.
09:37You could have said no.
09:40You...
09:40That's...
09:41That's a dirty trick, guy.
09:43You've done this programme long enough to know that dirty tricks are up.
09:46Well, I didn't think that even you would stoop so low.
09:52Well, I did.
09:53How dare you.
09:53It doesn't work in law.
09:54If you find lost property and don't make reasonable steps to discover the person to whom it belongs,
10:01then that's the crime of theft by finding.
10:05So, just, how does this apply to, if you're in the supermarket, right,
10:08and you put some fresh herbs in,
10:10and you're walking around, da-da-da, all oblivious,
10:13thinking no one's going to, you know, mess with your head,
10:15and then, before you get to the checkout,
10:18someone's nicked the herbs out of your trolley,
10:20and you go back, and then there's none left.
10:23That's a dirty trick.
10:24It is.
10:25Because it's just a moral bad citizenship.
10:28But it's not technically theft.
10:29No, that's not theft, is it?
10:30It's bad citizenship, because they weren't yours until you'd paid for them.
10:33No.
10:33So they were morally mine.
10:34Because they took them after you'd paid.
10:35They were morally mine.
10:36I agree with you.
10:37How urgent were the herbs?
10:39Well, look, there was a chili con carne that was ruined,
10:42because...
10:43If you've gone, if you decked that lady, I don't blame you.
10:47Yes.
10:48She smashed around the kitchen.
10:50Smacked around the head.
10:51To the tomato.
10:52Don't do it again!
10:54She's not telling us.
10:56Yes.
10:56So, if you...
10:58So technically, with that rule,
10:59is if someone's done their full shop,
11:01and they're right at the end,
11:02and then they've just wandered off for a tin of something,
11:04you can go,
11:04I love that, I love that.
11:06That would be so...
11:08That's vile.
11:08They're tiny.
11:09What do you actually do that?
11:10So you just follow somebody around the shop
11:12who looks like the mate like what you like?
11:14Yeah.
11:15This is a wholly different question.
11:17Yes.
11:19It's a very important point.
11:22It is.
11:22I'm just applying the ancient law to the modern-day context.
11:26So you find something on the bus,
11:27or, you know, on the street,
11:28or, if, for example,
11:29you're a dry cleaner,
11:30and you find a £20 note
11:31and a pair of trousers
11:31that's taken in,
11:32you don't think,
11:33oh, I can keep that.
11:34Well, that definitely is, Steph,
11:36because you know whose trousers they are.
11:37Yeah.
11:38But also, if you found a lottery ticket on the floor,
11:41and then it was a winning number,
11:42and you cashed it in,
11:42and it wasn't yours,
11:43you would be committing a crime.
11:44But you wouldn't care, though, would you?
11:46Yes, you would.
11:47Does it be a million?
11:48You wouldn't be paid.
11:50You wouldn't get the money,
11:51you'd go to court.
11:52How, though?
11:52How would they know?
11:53They'd know because of the number
11:54and the time it was bought
11:55and the shop it was bought from.
11:56C-C-C-B-R.
11:57In 2009, a Wiltshire couple
11:59got an 11-month suspended sentence
12:02for doing exactly that.
12:03They cashed a winning lottery ticket.
12:05And even more, in 2003,
12:06a Coventry family
12:07made repeated visits
12:09to a faulty cash machine
12:10and withdrew £134,410.
12:15Three of them were in prison.
12:16I used to work in a cinema,
12:18and anything that was found
12:20on the floor and the screens,
12:22sort of, depending on what it was,
12:23so if it was an umbrella,
12:25it would go and lost property.
12:26If it was a pound coin,
12:27it would just, you know,
12:28the guy, whoever,
12:29it would just, exactly, yeah.
12:30But there was one time
12:31that a pair of used pants were found.
12:35And they didn't really,
12:36they sort of took them out on a stick
12:38and they didn't really know
12:38what to do with them.
12:39And then two weeks later,
12:41they got a letter from a man.
12:43Soon, I was in the 11-20 showing
12:48of Titanic in Screen 6
12:50on the 23rd of February,
12:52and I appear to have left my pants.
12:56Could you return them to me
12:58in the jiffy bag provided?
13:00Oh, my God!
13:01Oh, I don't think I'd have put them
13:04in a jiffy.
13:05If it was used pants,
13:06they would have got it in
13:07some sort of one of those things
13:08they put nuclear waste in.
13:10You know,
13:11a lead-line casket.
13:14Well, it is true
13:15that if you haven't made
13:16reasonable terms to find something,
13:17well, you know that it's morally wrong.
13:19It behoves you to do the right thing.
13:20Yeah, we hope you will.
13:22But if property is deliberately
13:23abandoned, you can keep it.
13:25Archaeological finds,
13:2690% of them are from amateurs
13:28with metal detectors.
13:29And famous metal detectors
13:31include Bill Wyman,
13:32who I think has his own brand
13:33of metal detector,
13:34called Bill Wyman,
13:35which you can use
13:36for your metal detecting.
13:38Things really picked up
13:39from him after he left the stones.
13:43But in 2009,
13:44a man called David Booze
13:45discovered four Iron Age
13:47gold neck bands
13:49worth a million pounds.
13:50What's extraordinary about it
13:51is it was the first time
13:52he'd ever used a metal detector.
13:54He found it seven paces
13:57from where he'd parked his car.
13:59It's been an hour.
14:01All the other detectors
14:02have been really annoyed.
14:03It's been shunned
14:05from the fan club.
14:06Oh, absolutely.
14:07If you do it without permission
14:08and or at night,
14:09you're known as a night talk
14:10and you look down on.
14:12Yeah, because during the day
14:13it's fine,
14:13but at night you look a bit weird.
14:18I mean, that guy's on,
14:19you know, on holiday as well.
14:21Look at the background.
14:23His wife's on a towel over there
14:24just going, you dick.
14:27Leave it alone, Frank.
14:28Leave it, Frank.
14:30So, legally speaking,
14:31finders isn't necessarily keepers.
14:33Now, let's have a round
14:35of keep still or scarper.
14:37I'm going to show you
14:38some dangerous animals
14:39and I want you to tell me
14:40what you should do.
14:41Stand your ground
14:41or skedaddle for the hills.
14:43All right?
14:44Okay.
14:44So, let's start
14:46with the first animal.
14:47Here it is.
14:48It's a snake.
14:49With a snake,
14:50should you keep still
14:50or scarper?
14:52Keep still.
14:54Keep still.
14:55Why?
14:57Because,
15:00you're so terrified.
15:03A snake will not attack
15:05a moving object.
15:07In which case,
15:08you'd say you should move.
15:09What?
15:10You said it will attack
15:11a moving object.
15:12I mean, it will attack.
15:14Right.
15:14It will attack a moving object.
15:15It actually forgets you're there
15:16if you stand still.
15:18Yeah.
15:18We'll just ignore you.
15:19I get that a lot.
15:22So, for you married.
15:24Does it depend on
15:25how fast you run?
15:26Because if you can run,
15:28outrun it.
15:28They can strike very quickly
15:29and if you're close to it,
15:30just the act of turning
15:31to run would...
15:32Like that.
15:33If you felt right.
15:34But certainly the best thing
15:35to do is just simply
15:35stand stock still
15:36and then nothing happens.
15:37Well, you'd feel a fool
15:38if you stood still
15:38and then it bit you anyway.
15:39You would!
15:41Your mobile went off
15:42or something.
15:43That's true.
15:44Keep your mobile...
15:45Don't have your mobile
15:45on vibrate.
15:46That would be the worst
15:47because they had
15:47a marvellous sense of vibration.
15:48Yeah.
15:48OK, our next ones.
15:50Let's have a look
15:50at this little trio.
15:52Harmonising.
15:53Ha-ha, you say.
15:55I'll tear you the pieces.
15:57Three of a wolf pack.
15:58A wild wolf pack.
15:58When they finish their song.
15:59So, should you keep still?
16:01Should you keep still
16:03or Scarpa?
16:06Yes, Jesse?
16:08I'm going to say Scarpa.
16:11I'm afraid not.
16:12No, you should know.
16:13They are coursing predators.
16:14They actually tear
16:15and eat things on the run.
16:18So, that's how they like to eat.
16:19They've not seen me run, though.
16:20Ha-ha.
16:21Ha-ha.
16:21Ha-ha.
16:22Ha-ha.
16:22My running is the same
16:23as me keep it still.
16:24Ha-ha.
16:25Ha-ha.
16:26You should just shout,
16:26throw stones, pebbles,
16:28whatever,
16:28and then back slowly away
16:29and you'll be fine.
16:30Shout.
16:30What?
16:31What?
16:31Ha-ha.
16:32You're like a wolf.
16:33Ha-ha.
16:33Ha-ha.
16:33Ha-ha.
16:33Like that.
16:35I'm not used.
16:37I'm terrified.
16:37I'm not used to that behaviour.
16:39And the wolves,
16:40they just back away going,
16:42he's mental.
16:45Ha-ha.
16:45Ha-ha.
16:46Ha-ha.
17:00And so he lived with the wolves for a year and ate raw meat and growled and snarled at them.
17:05Learned the body language.
17:06Learned the whole body language. It was amazing.
17:07And his girlfriend wrote, it has put a little bit of a strain on our relationship.
17:14Oh, really?
17:15Oh, really?
17:16Yeah, every time you go out hunting of a night, you know, I'm a little bit left out.
17:20You will tear the waiter apart from living.
17:23She doesn't keep still.
17:26I shouted at a moth once and it died.
17:30It was too high up the curtain, so I couldn't reach it, so I got really mad at it and
17:34it just dropped.
17:36Some would say it was dead already, but I like to think it was because of me.
17:39Yes, it was worse.
17:41The other is playing dead.
17:42Well, it was definitely dead once. It was under my shoe.
17:47Fair enough.
17:48What about a shark?
17:50Yes.
17:51I would say...
17:54I was going to say fight.
17:56Are you supposed to fight?
17:57Yeah, because you put your thumbs in its eyes, you punch it on the nose.
18:02Well, get out of there!
18:03Run!
18:04Well, no, swim!
18:06Don't stand still.
18:08Scarfer is the answer.
18:09Oh, Scarfer.
18:09Can I do an hour and gouge first?
18:11No, I wouldn't bother with any of that.
18:13I really wouldn't.
18:14Just get out of the way.
18:14He was on holiday, and a shark started attacking a load of kids, and he went in and just, and
18:20he grabbed it by its tail and, get out of it, throw it back in, and then got home and
18:24they sacked him because they saw him on the news saying you were on sick leave.
18:27Oh!
18:28Oh!
18:28Yes!
18:29He was a hero!
18:30He said I was on holiday for stress.
18:32Oh!
18:34Blow bubbles, apparently it's not bad.
18:35On the water.
18:35But if you're in its mouth, don't play dead.
18:37That's a bad thing.
18:38So, struggle in the mouth.
18:39Well, in a moment you won't have to play.
18:40You will have to play.
18:42While you're still conscious.
18:43Now, what about Africanized honeybees, also known as killer bees?
18:47Stay still or Scarfer?
18:48Um.
18:49Keep on wrapping.
18:51Stay still.
18:52No!
18:53Oh!
18:53Run away, the other one.
18:55No!
18:56It's a binary question.
18:59One for cheek.
19:01Yeah, no.
19:02Run away as fast as you can.
19:03Don't stop to help friends or anything.
19:05Just get the hell out of there.
19:06And keep on running at least 400 meters.
19:08And don't think you can hide in water.
19:10They will wait above your head where you are.
19:11When you come up for a hour, they will absolutely attack you.
19:14What shifts!
19:14They are really.
19:17Nicely put.
19:18Thanks.
19:18They're not nice.
19:19How far is 400 meters?
19:22It's about 400 meters, I think.
19:24How many?
19:25You can do this.
19:26It's slightly less than half a kilometer.
19:28And the kilometer is five-eighths of a mile.
19:30Yes, you can do five minutes.
19:31Okay.
19:31I'm just checking.
19:34Put a shirt over your face as well, if you can.
19:36Really?
19:37Yeah.
19:37To protect it from stingy.
19:38Could you not just quickly open a can of Fanta and put it down on the ground?
19:42There!
19:43There!
19:43Look!
19:44You love that!
19:45Put your top over your face?
19:47Yeah.
19:47Are they distracted by boobs?
19:48No!
19:52So what do you do with a monkey?
19:54Keep still and scarper.
19:55Nice, isn't it?
19:56Well, just reason with it.
19:57How many heads?
19:58How many heads has it got?
19:59Sign language.
20:02Keep still.
20:03Dead still.
20:03Yes, but not dead still.
20:04There's a particular open-mouthed, open-lipped thing that you do.
20:09Bare your teeth.
20:10Yeah.
20:10Round-mouthed, bare your teeth.
20:12Round.
20:13That's it.
20:13That's it.
20:13It's shaking around like that.
20:15That's it.
20:16That's it.
20:17Raise your eyebrows.
20:18That's it.
20:19Show your teeth.
20:20Raise your eyebrows.
20:22What does that mean?
20:29You have monkeys, don't you?
20:31Yes, we have golden-handed tamarinds.
20:32Oh, lovely.
20:33Are these...
20:34They live in the house easily?
20:35They live in the house, yeah.
20:36Yeah, we don't let them out.
20:38Are they house trained?
20:39Yes, of course.
20:40That's amazing.
20:41Yeah.
20:41I think it was Jane Goodall discovered that when you're trying to house train a chimpanzee,
20:44their intelligence is of a different order, and it's kind of smart, but stupid.
20:48And she had these chimpanzees, and when one pooed on the floor of this little wooden bungalow
20:54that she had in Africa, what she'd do is she'd make it confront its own poo, spank it on the
20:59bottom
20:59and throw it out the window.
21:01And...
21:01This ground floor, yeah?
21:02It's a bungalow, yeah.
21:04So she did that twice, and then the third time, she saw one poo, slap its own bottom,
21:08and jump out the window.
21:11It's amazing.
21:14That's brilliant.
21:15I think it would have been really good.
21:17And you kind of go...
21:18That's...
21:18That's not dissimilar to my...
21:19My daughter's nearly four.
21:21Right.
21:22And...
21:22Save her embarrassment for the future shows.
21:24She'll be fine.
21:25I won't tell you which one.
21:25I've got twins.
21:26Oh, fine.
21:28She's...
21:28You know, if there's a point where they're slapping each other and fighting,
21:30then you go, right, get on the naughty step.
21:32There's a point where she's so annoyed that she will just slap her sister, you know, in the face or
21:36whatever,
21:37and then just go and get on the naughty step herself.
21:39Oh.
21:39And sort of sit there with her face saying,
21:41it was worth it.
21:46That's very good.
21:48Very good.
21:49Excellent.
21:49Cows?
21:50Why would you need to?
21:52Well, you say that, but the more than 50 a year...
21:55Really?
21:56...injuries caused by cows.
21:5750 idiots.
21:58Particularly, well, particularly calving mothers.
22:00They can get more aggressive than bulls.
22:02Well, fair enough.
22:03We're afraid of bulls, but actually cows are...
22:05Yeah.
22:05Presumably, if you're putting your arms up a cow's nunny, to pull a calf out...
22:11Yes.
22:11...she's allowed to kick you in the face.
22:12Oh, well, there'll be a bit of that.
22:13I don't know what I'm talking about.
22:14No, we're talking about ramblers.
22:16Actually, yeah, ramblers.
22:17And what happens is, particularly dogs tease them.
22:19The cow then gets aggressive with the dog and chases the dog.
22:21And the dog, of course, yelps back to its owner.
22:24Yes.
22:24And then the cow will hurt the owner.
22:26They crowd you, don't they?
22:27And then if you fall down, you get trampled.
22:29Yeah.
22:30So you need to scarper.
22:31Yeah, you do need to scarper as the answer, yeah.
22:33So, how do you get an ant to keep still?
22:37Sarah?
22:38Start the music.
22:40And then...
22:41Play...
22:42No, that's very good.
22:43Do you know by any chance who was the first person accurately to portray...
22:48...small insects?
22:50Most famously, the flea, which is a very recognizable image.
22:53Which is the cover of his book, Micrographia.
22:55He was a remarkable scientist, town planner,
22:58named after him of Tension and Springs.
23:01He was Humphrey of Newton and Christopher Wren.
23:03He was responsible for much of the town planning after the fire of London.
23:06And he used a microscope to see animals, including this little flea.
23:12And an ant, and there it is.
23:13Which he was an amazing artist, as you can see.
23:15And he describes precisely how he got the ant to keep still.
23:21He said,
23:21I gave it a gill of brandy.
23:24Which, after a while, knocked him down dead drunk.
23:27He struggled, wonderful phrases,
23:29For a pretty while, very much.
23:31Sounds like he was drinking...
23:33For a pretty while, very much.
23:34One for you, one for me.
23:37Until at last, certain bubbles issuing out of its mouth,
23:40It ceased to move, and remained moveless for a good while.
23:44Moveless?
23:44Moveless, yeah.
23:45Well, it was in 1665 the book came out, Micrographia.
23:48Well done.
23:48A gill, by the way, is a quarter of a pint.
23:50Wow.
23:51They can hold their booze, can't they, Ants?
23:53Yeah.
23:54Really?
23:55Eight times their body weight.
23:56But what was this man's name?
23:58Remember?
23:59Audience?
24:00Remember.
24:01Robert.
24:01Robert Hooke?
24:02Well, yeah, Ian Robertson shouted that.
24:03He said, Ian Robinson is a physicist, that's cheeky.
24:05But yes, Robert Hooke.
24:07And he suffered as many did,
24:08Although he was one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived.
24:11Isaac Newton was a really thoroughly ghastly man.
24:15And he particularly hated Hooke,
24:16And had him erased from history.
24:18Because anybody who wasn't Newton was just not good enough.
24:21And all the portraits of him he got rid of,
24:23Because he was so powerful Newton,
24:24Because he was such a genius,
24:25And so recognised around the world.
24:27And an artist named Rita Greer
24:28Has set herself the task of creating more portraits of Hooke
24:31Than there are of Newton,
24:32To redress the balance.
24:33And here's one.
24:34It's based on meticulously researched likenesses of him.
24:37There are now 20 in the world,
24:38As opposed to 16 of Newton.
24:40So, Hooke is one.
24:41Though, obviously, Newton was a truly great man.
24:44He was a bit of a wrong-un.
24:46I'm afraid he was.
24:47A terrible egomania.
24:48Totally egomania.
24:49Gravity.
24:49Goes to your head.
24:50Yeah.
24:53He looks like he's had a few gills of whisky there.
24:56He does.
24:56He looks like he's a little ruler.
24:58He doesn't look like he's had much sunburn.
25:00Two little ants.
25:02Amazing.
25:03In a pub.
25:05Hello, Mr. I'm really pretty.
25:13I love you.
25:14No.
25:15I love you.
25:18Well, there you go.
25:19On the subject of keeping still,
25:20How hard is it to be a nude model?
25:30Don't you remember that?
25:35Oh, that was a good night.
25:37It's the woman, second from the left,
25:38who seems to be most enjoying the view.
25:42One of the orange scarf.
25:45Were you, were you being...
25:45She's got to need a bigger pad than that.
25:51They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?
25:55I'll do the helmet.
25:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:58Were you being funny there, or...?
26:00That's not really him.
26:01Oh, it's not really?
26:02No.
26:05I assumed...
26:06Bless you.
26:06...that you would be funny naked.
26:07I'm sorry, Alan.
26:08You wouldn't be funny naked.
26:10Well, that's what...
26:10That's what I can see.
26:12Yes.
26:13You say what you see.
26:14Yeah.
26:15But there is, actually,
26:16a register of artists' models, RAM,
26:19that looks after the interests of models,
26:21and it thinks that the idea
26:23that life modelling is a breeze
26:24is completely wrong.
26:25It keeps still for a long while.
26:26Well, you get pins and needles and cramp.
26:28Yeah.
26:28Pins and needles, cramp,
26:29so you have to do one thing at a time.
26:30You start with short poses called gestures,
26:32bold, action-oriented poses,
26:35which are used as a warm-up,
26:36and then you go two minutes,
26:37then five minutes,
26:37and then eventually 30-plus.
26:39There's more work for women than men.
26:41The classes prefer them,
26:42and there are more of them in the market,
26:43it appears.
26:45And in 1998,
26:45a man called George Bond
26:46took Northampton College
26:49to an industrial tribunal,
26:50claiming that he was not being employed
26:52on the basis of his gender,
26:54and that it was sexual discrimination.
26:55In fact, they were able to demonstrate
26:57that it was personal.
26:58And the reason was,
26:59he couldn't hold a pose,
27:01he fidgeted,
27:01went to the loo too often,
27:03had a background in erotic films
27:04which troubled the A-level students,
27:06particularly one 16-year-old
27:07at whom he winked when she was drawing.
27:09Oh!
27:10Wait, what did he wink with?
27:11He claimed he was squinting.
27:12Oh!
27:13What did he wink with?
27:15Oh!
27:19Oh!
27:20Oh!
27:20He said that,
27:22he explained to him,
27:23he didn't have glasses,
27:23so he was squinting,
27:24but he did also improvise a pose
27:26which involved sticking his bottom
27:28into the air,
27:28which was described by some students
27:30as giving an unfortunate view.
27:33So, er...
27:33They didn't want him.
27:34They didn't want him there.
27:35They didn't want a drawing.
27:35No, they just didn't want George there.
27:36Get out, George.
27:37So, he lost the case.
27:38Er...
27:39But there are contentious issues
27:40described by
27:41the Register of Artists Models,
27:43and contentious issues include
27:45raids on studios
27:47by amusing non-art students
27:49who just want to see a nudie person.
27:51Ah, yes.
27:51Very silly.
27:52A warning against passing window cleaners.
27:55And their policy is to suspend any member,
27:59odd we're phrasing it,
28:00who gets an erection during a sitting.
28:03When I say suspend any member...
28:05Suspend a member?
28:06Right, okay, yeah.
28:08Suspend yourself.
28:09Forced out of the register.
28:10You don't have to say,
28:11all right, I'll get me a coat.
28:12Right, yeah.
28:12I'll just hang out with him.
28:16He's like being struck off, then, it is.
28:18Yes, basically, it is.
28:19You can never be a nude model
28:20if you can't control yourself.
28:22Keep on moving.
28:26How are you doing that?
28:27Yeah, you're suspending.
28:29Ouch!
28:30Oh, that's why I'm banned from RAM.
28:35Yeah.
28:36Yeah.
28:37That was very impressive.
28:39That's what his clothes are on, as well.
28:45Let's give him a gill of brandy.
28:48An A gill of brandy.
28:50Absolutely.
28:51Well, there you are.
28:52That's RAM.
28:53Now, Little Bo Peep keeps lesbian sheep
28:55but doesn't know how to find them.
28:56Can you help?
28:57Oh, look at that.
28:59Lesbian sheep.
29:00Right.
29:01How can you tell if sheep are lesbian?
29:04Well...
29:05By their conduct.
29:06Yes.
29:08You can't.
29:09You can't with so many species.
29:11Can't you?
29:11Just the wafts of the...
29:13Katie Lang coming from the field?
29:16Katie Lang.
29:17Is it something to do with sex?
29:19Well, no.
29:19The foot of the thing is, yous just stand still.
29:21If they want sex.
29:22If they want sex.
29:22If they want sex.
29:23So, you can't tell if sheep are lesbians.
29:25And yet, this is also true.
29:27We've had a huge problem with lesbian sheep.
29:30What?
29:31I saw Michael.
29:32Yeah.
29:33But we have.
29:34How did this happen?
29:35Well, they're not producing any lambs.
29:37Yeah, they were.
29:38Oh.
29:38But I just told you, you can't tell whether a sheep's lesbian or not.
29:40So, the rams don't know.
29:43Think of the word.
29:43The word.
29:44Lesbian.
29:45Sheep.
29:45It has two meanings.
29:46Problem.
29:47One is sapphic, preferring their own kind.
29:49Female.
29:49Gay.
29:50Homosexual.
29:50Yeah.
29:51The other is from the island of...
29:54Lesbos.
29:54Yes.
29:55Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and they had foot and mouth disease
29:59and they communicated it all around Europe.
30:02Oh.
30:02So, lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994.
30:08Well, you need Jonathan Crete to get that one.
30:14Well, there you are.
30:15So, that's pretty exciting, isn't it?
30:17Well...
30:18No, it's not.
30:18No, no.
30:20Do you know how you said the lady ones just stand still if they want sex?
30:24Yeah.
30:25Do the lesbian ones stand still close together so that they can do stuff?
30:30No.
30:30Or are they all just sparsely standing apart?
30:33They're all waiting for someone else to make the first move.
30:35Yeah.
30:35And the ram will do it.
30:37The ram will tupper, as the word is in truth.
30:40Bloody rams.
30:41Good word, tupper, isn't it?
30:43We didn't use it as often as we should.
30:45I'm not wearing it tupper.
30:46It's good.
30:47Yeah.
30:47I know what me tuppence is, but...
30:51Now, on to keeping time.
30:54When is the present?
30:56Wow.
30:56Yeah.
30:57Now.
30:57Now.
30:59I knew it!
31:01I knew it!
31:02I knew it!
31:02Yeah, I thought it was about 70 milliseconds ago.
31:04Yeah.
31:05We're always 70 milliseconds behind.
31:07They were good times, Mum.
31:07Yeah.
31:08Yeah.
31:09The time taken between light hitting the eye being processed was about 70 milliseconds.
31:14So is it...
31:14Which you may say isn't much.
31:15Is it then?
31:16It's then.
31:17Yeah, exactly.
31:18But if a reasonably mild 85 miles per hour cricket ball or tennis ball, that would be 10 feet.
31:26So you really have to anticipate where the ball...
31:29So you're seeing the ball in the future?
31:32Yeah.
31:32Yeah, yeah.
31:33And you have to predict the future.
31:34Yeah.
31:35You have to predict where it'll be.
31:36Where it'll be.
31:36Because your brain won't see it until it's already passed.
31:39But so you'll have to just...
31:40You'll have to guess it's going to be there.
31:41You're so used to the course it's taken.
31:42You can see it from the racket or you can see it from the bowler's arm.
31:45Right.
31:45But you don't have time physically to see the ball with your eye.
31:48Right.
31:49It's past you.
31:50Bowlers bowl up to 100 miles an hour and tennis serves are way faster.
31:53Yes.
31:53Now researchers at the University of Tokyo have proved how we are indeed incapable of this
31:58kind of speed by building a robotic hand that can play paper, scissors, stone and always beat a human being.
32:05Because it can read our gestures quicker than we can read.
32:10Its processing is so much faster than ours.
32:12We've got a bit of VT of this.
32:14Here we go.
32:17You've hardly got time to see it yourself.
32:18It's so quick.
32:19It's all...
32:20It wins 100% of the time.
32:22It won't beat me.
32:24We didn't have a telly for 10 years when I was growing up.
32:27I'm brilliant at that game.
32:28But you have to...
32:29It just reads your hand movement before...
32:32Even so, Steven.
32:33I think I could take it.
32:35What if your hand was underneath the table and then you brought it out?
32:38Because it hasn't seen you do it then.
32:40So you could beat it then.
32:41So if you cheated, it would...
32:42Yeah.
32:44It's just if you're shy or something.
32:46That's not how the game is played.
32:48Somebody's playing rock, paper, scissors with a robot.
32:50That's the future, isn't it?
32:52It's how it all begins.
32:54It's how Skynet first adapted the cyborg.
32:56Really?
32:57Yeah.
32:57It starts with chess and games.
32:59We've sent him back from the future to play rock, paper, scissors.
33:04It's absolutely astonishing.
33:06It's beating our own brain, which is the most extraordinary thing we know in the universe.
33:10Yes.
33:10At perception and time and reflex.
33:13In a small way.
33:13I played chess against a computer on a flight.
33:17Oh, yeah.
33:18And it turns out I'm rubbish at chess.
33:20After a few games, I'd lost everyone.
33:23The computer started taking its king out and putting it right in the middle of the board.
33:30Completely on its own.
33:31And then I would really struggle to pin it down.
33:34Oh, no.
33:35I did.
33:36I did win a couple of games.
33:37It was immensely satisfying.
33:38Isn't it?
33:38Oh, they're so good chess programs.
33:40No, it's frightening.
33:41But, I mean, you know, in terms of human achievements, poetry, music, and such a lie.
33:45Oh, yes.
33:46Way behind.
33:47Yes, yes, of course.
33:49And, of course, they haven't passed what's called the Turing test, which is the most important
33:52thing for a machine.
33:53Alan Turing, who posited a test, which was whether or not you could conduct a conversation
33:58with an artificial machine in such a way that you wouldn't know it was an artificial
34:02machine.
34:02And if it passes that stage, that really is a moment in computer development.
34:08It's quite scary.
34:08And then you've got a consciousness, because what sort of questions would you ask to check
34:13Are you a machine?
34:15Well...
34:16Yeah.
34:17It's going to help.
34:20That's right.
34:21And when he goes, no.
34:22No.
34:25Let's just assume that it won't be that easy.
34:28If it lied to win, that really would be the next step of evolution for all.
34:33What's your happiest memory?
34:34Things like that.
34:34Just now.
34:37That would give it away.
34:38You have to switch me on this morning.
34:43Oh, it's a beautiful moment.
34:44Now, I live in the moment.
34:46Well, I'm 17 milliseconds before the moment.
34:52Anyway.
34:53Here's a test to show you how easy it is to keep an image in your head.
34:56This is the departure board at Grand Central Station in New York.
35:00Try and memorise it.
35:01Alright.
35:03Now, the question is, when does the next train to White Plains leave?
35:0512.25.
35:0712.25.
35:08Is that what I thought?
35:1012.25?
35:11No.
35:12It's really mean of me.
35:14Oh.
35:14In Grand Central Station, all trains depart a minute after the time given.
35:18What?
35:20That was great.
35:21No.
35:22It's not 25.
35:23But you had to know that in Grand Central Station they have a minute's gate time to allow
35:27you, without accidents, not to have to run.
35:29I know it's so unfair on you.
35:30I'm really sorry.
35:32You've never owned it so well, sir.
35:33I feel like such a pig.
35:35Oh, God.
35:36Did you secretly flick a V at her?
35:39You totally did.
35:41You totally did.
35:42You did.
35:43Anyway, sorry.
35:44They have this gate time.
35:46Well, they don't do that here.
35:47Quite the reverse.
35:48Exactly.
35:4930 seconds before.
35:49It's impossible.
35:50Yeah.
35:51The service is now leaving.
35:52My wife is pregnant, coming down the steps, and they shut the door.
35:55I said, there's a wife there.
35:56She's pregnant.
35:57Can you wait just 19 seconds?
36:00Because it's actually before the time the train's supposed to go.
36:03No.
36:03Are you serious?
36:04Did you miss her?
36:05I shut the door.
36:06You could have just left her.
36:10Take it back to the next one.
36:11Darling, you take the next one.
36:12Yes.
36:13Oh, fine.
36:16Here's an interesting thing.
36:17Have you been to India?
36:18Yes.
36:19Do you remember India's time difference from us?
36:22Five or six hours.
36:23It's actually five and a half hours.
36:27But there is a very interesting thing about a five and a half hour difference.
36:31You think, oh, God, how am I going to work out the difference?
36:34And old Aggers put me onto this, the cricket commentator, because he's often in India.
36:38He said, this is what you want to do, old boy.
36:40He said, take your watch.
36:41So here we are.
36:42Let's say it's five past nine in England.
36:45Right.
36:46Nine, yeah.
36:47Yeah.
36:47If you turn the watch upside down.
36:492.35.
36:50You get...
36:51Yeah.
36:53And that's the time it is five and a half hours ahead.
36:56So it's just the watch upside down.
36:57Mine's digital.
36:58There you are.
36:59You see?
37:00Well, that's useless.
37:02It's quarter past eight.
37:03Well, that's hopeless.
37:04But with an analogue watch, as you can see, it works.
37:07Oh, that's brilliant.
37:08It's really neat, isn't it?
37:08Climb up.
37:09It is neat.
37:10Climb up.
37:10Well neat.
37:12Neaty neat neat.
37:13Why do clocks go clockwise?
37:14Why do they go that way round?
37:16Because that's the way we see things, isn't it?
37:19Not necessarily.
37:20Because it's forward.
37:21Left to right.
37:21There's a particular reason.
37:22And it's in the northern hemisphere.
37:24That's how sun dies.
37:27Sun moves that way round.
37:28Oh.
37:29So we're just used to the shadow from the gnome in the sundial.
37:33Now, a question about keeping quiet.
37:35How quiet is the quietest place in the world?
37:40Well quiet.
37:42Well quiet.
37:44There's an anechoic chamber somewhere in America.
37:47There is.
37:48There's one in Britain too.
37:49And there's one here.
37:50Yeah.
37:50Which is completely devoid of all sound.
37:53Yeah.
37:53And it sort of absorbs sound when you go in it.
37:55That's right.
37:56It's at the University of Salford.
37:58And it is minus 12.4 decibels.
38:02As you can see there, it's got all these sort of wedges and things to stop any kind of echoing.
38:07Actually, there's a hemi anechoic chamber with a reverberation chamber as well in the National Physical Laboratory.
38:13And I went there and I recorded myself popping a balloon first in the reverberation chamber and then in the
38:20hemi anechoic chamber.
38:21Which is slightly less than a full anechoic but still pretty bloody amazoid.
38:24Did I just say a mesoic?
38:27You really did.
38:29God, I'm sad.
38:30Hang on.
38:31I am in the reverberation chamber.
38:37It's extraordinary.
38:40Wow!
38:42No!
38:43Can you burst the balloon?
38:45Now!
38:50Remember that.
38:52Right.
38:52That's the balloon?
38:53That's the reverberation chamber.
38:55It's still going.
38:57That was fantastic!
39:01A crazy little balloon!
39:04You're off your face in there, aren't you?
39:06And now I am in a hemi-anechoic chamber. Here we go. Three, two, one.
39:15That's incredible.
39:17That sound, how exciting is that?
39:20There we are.
39:22Thank you to the National Physical Laboratory.
39:29So, who has the world's biggest mouth?
39:32Blue eye.
39:33Oh!
39:36Oh, the strange thing is you're so close.
39:41The blue whale's the biggest animal on Earth that's ever been.
39:43The second biggest. Has the biggest mouth, oddly enough.
39:46Another whale? A different sort of whale?
39:47It's another whale, yes. It's usually found in the Arctic under the ice pack.
39:51It's a hugely slow animal. Beautiful.
39:53One was found recently that had an 1870s harpoon in it.
39:57It's still alive. They live a very long time.
39:59Good gosh. Huge things.
40:00They want a lovely smile on their face that is curved.
40:03A bit like a bow. So they're known as bowhead whales.
40:07Oh, right.
40:08Isn't they marvellous?
40:09The idea of killing them is just over there, but they have the most blubber of any whale.
40:13That's probably why he's not so happy.
40:16The bowhead has a unique organ in its mouth.
40:19It's really nothing quite like it.
40:21It's the only thing that you could say is like it, frankly.
40:24Though it's baleen plates, the sort of hairy, feathery bits that it sibs food with.
40:28Wow.
40:29But the bit underneath that isn't a tongue is actually more like a penis.
40:32I know that sounds silly, but it's...
40:33Sounds great.
40:34Well, yes.
40:36It's beautiful.
40:38It's...
40:39It's...
40:40It's...
40:40I was supposed to just think that, sorry.
40:43It's fine.
40:45It is a sort of material, I mean the fleshy material, that engorges...
40:50It engorges with blood.
40:52Yeah.
40:53And becomes absolutely huge...
40:55Erect.
40:55...with blood.
40:56And erect in its mouth.
40:57Yes.
40:57And it cools it, because it takes all the blood right up and it pushes it out and gets the
41:02water over it.
41:02So when it overheats, it's all this water goes...
41:05And all its blood is in its sort of mouth cock, if you call it that.
41:10It's a whale.
41:11It's a whale.
41:12It's a whale cooling its brain.
41:17It's the corpus cavernosum maxillaris is its proper name.
41:20Mouth cock.
41:21Mouth cock.
41:22It opens the mouth, the arctic water flows in.
41:25Mouth organ.
41:26Cools the organ.
41:28Mouth organ.
41:30And that cools its brain.
41:32So it's a kind of 12 foot long penis in its mouth.
41:3412 foot long, I mean it's like a lamp post in it.
41:38I don't think he's a member of the Ram Society.
41:42So it's like its own thermostat then, really.
41:45Yes.
41:46Absolutely.
41:46A cooling system.
41:47So, anyway, there's your bowhead whale.
41:51Now, that brings us to the business of the scores.
41:54Heh, you must say.
41:55Damn, it's close.
41:56In first place, with minus seven, it's Bill Bailey.
42:00Oh!
42:05And second equal with minus nine, it's Jason and Sarah.
42:09Oh!
42:13Oh, thank you.
42:14Oh.
42:14Fourth place with minus 10 is the audience.
42:17Oh!
42:32You got it?
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