- 5 weeks ago
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00:03Oh yeah!
00:05Hey, Granddad, do you want to see this book Mickey Pearce lent me?
00:09It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking.
00:14They can't sit their brothers on you or nothing.
00:16Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
00:21Have I got a choice?
00:22Well, not really.
00:25Yeah, I like them really well done, Granddad.
00:27I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.
00:30Oh, good. Well, dinner won't be long then.
00:37Body language?
00:38Yeah, it's no good for you, Granddad. You'd need an interpreter.
00:42Boy, up!
00:43All right, Granddad? Dinner ruined yet?
00:46Coming along nicely, Del boy.
00:48Ah, good, good. Here, hang on, hang on.
00:50Here you go, look. There's a score for you.
00:52A little Christmas brezzy, all right?
00:53Oh, cheers, Del. That's very nice of you.
00:57I didn't get you nothing.
00:59I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:04I don't believe that.
01:05I don't believe that.
01:06He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking.
01:09It's like being mugged by a magistrate.
01:12Oh, and Merry Christmas.
01:14Yeah.
01:15And a partridge up your pear tree and all your salty old gifts.
01:18Here, what happened to you today then?
01:19I thought I'd see you down the old nags head for a pre-luncheon aperitif and some light conversation.
01:26You know, for them little egg-bangers of yours.
01:29Nah.
01:31Stomach's still a bit dicey, aren't I? Sort of burning pains.
01:34That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
01:37You know, this is psychosomatic, mate.
01:40Eh?
01:40This is me brain sending messages down to me belly warning it that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner will be on
01:45its way down soon.
01:47Yeah.
01:48I have a butcher's in that kitchen, Del.
01:49It's all smoke and smells.
01:51It's horrible.
01:52He's got baked potatoes in there that look more like lumps of anthracite.
01:56There's green stuff in there, right?
01:58I don't know what it is.
01:59I was going to ask for it and I thought I'd better wait till you got in.
02:02Why'd you let him do it, Del?
02:03Well, it's tradition, isn't it?
02:05He's been cooking the Christmas dinner ever since Mum went.
02:07Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since Mum went.
02:10What do you want?
02:11What do you want, eh?
02:12A sacrableur chef or something?
02:13Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders, but you know.
02:17What can we do about it, eh?
02:18Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
02:21Then we won't have to eat his turkey.
02:22Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney.
02:25If we pretend that we're vegetarians,
02:27we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff.
02:30Well, I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike.
02:32Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
02:33Oh, leave it out, will you? Leave it out.
02:36I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike
02:38over a protest about the American cruise missiles being based in Britain.
02:43You said that you were going to starve yourself till all the missiles were removed.
02:46So?
02:46So?
02:47So, that was eight months ago.
02:49The missiles are still here.
02:50What is more to the point, Rodney, so are you.
02:53You went one and a half days on hunger strike and you're sent out for a curry.
02:56Well, I was starving.
02:57Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker.
03:00Don't come out of it.
03:02No.
03:03Grandad will never wear that.
03:05Anyway.
03:07Cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life.
03:12I mean, all year round, he sits in that chair watching them tellies like an un-oiled, redundant cog.
03:18But come Christmas time, he knows that he can whirr into action.
03:21It's his role within the family circle.
03:24Makes him feel he still has an important part to play.
03:27You know, that he's still needed.
03:30Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you?
03:32All for the sake of a little bit of...
03:33Botulism.
03:34No, no, no.
03:36All right, then.
03:37Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
03:39You know, just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England.
03:43Anyway, for all we know, this year it may turn out to be a gourmet's dream.
03:48I'll just strain the gravy, then I'll give it up.
04:05I must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney.
04:15All right, all right, I'll have some wine, please.
04:17Rodney.
04:18Do you want some gravy, Dale?
04:21No thanks, Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine.
04:25Thank you, merci, merci.
04:37Oh, Bain Marie.
04:38Bain Marie?
04:40I will say this for those old frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine, don't they, eh?
04:45Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
04:47He only tried to palm me off with table wine, didn't he?
04:50He must have thought I was a philistine or something.
04:54Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though.
04:56I said, oi, John, I said, I don't want none of your table wine, I said.
05:00I said, you get down here in that cellar and you give me a bottle of your Vin Ordinaire.
05:07Right.
05:08Here we go.
05:16Oh, not bad.
05:17Not bad, Grandad.
05:20Slightly underdone, maybe.
05:22Slightly underdone?
05:23I reckon a kiss of life would revive that too.
05:26That's enough, Rodney.
05:28How's your guts now, Rodney?
05:31Not too bad now, Grandad, thank you very much.
05:35I hope you ain't got worms.
05:37You're doing this on purpose.
05:38Oi, that's enough, you two.
05:40Now, come on, this is a dinner table.
05:42I mean, worms and all that.
05:44Just that Rodney's got this burning sensation in his stomach, haven't you, Rodney?
05:47Yeah.
05:48Yeah.
05:49Maybe they're glow worms.
05:53Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
05:55Do you think we could change the subject?
05:57It's all right, all right.
05:58Now, come on.
05:59There's no need to get overwrought.
06:01There you go.
06:05This turkey's lovely, Grandad.
06:08Isn't it, Rodney?
06:09Terrific.
06:12Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:15Eh?
06:16Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:18Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:18Yeah.
06:19Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney?
06:20I don't know.
06:22What's going on about your div?
06:24I've got a Christmas card from them.
06:26It said, love from Brenda and Terry and the kids, Shirley, Shane and Sean.
06:31Yeah.
06:31Yeah, that was from Brenda and Terry.
06:33I know!
06:33Who is Brenda and Terry?
06:35Well, it's Shirley, Shane and Sean's mum and dad, isn't it?
06:38Oh.
06:40Did we send them one back?
06:41Why can we send them one back?
06:43We don't know who they are, let alone where they live.
06:45That's just as well with them rotten Christmas cards that you bought.
06:48There was nothing wrong with them cards.
06:50You didn't like them because they come from a charity organisation.
06:53Now, that is not fair, Rodney.
06:54That is not fair.
06:55Nobody likes a good cause better than me, do they, Grandad?
06:57No.
06:57It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards, you've got to be very careful about
07:00which charity you choose.
07:02What do you mean, got to be careful about which charity you choose?
07:05Well, I mean, look, some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends,
07:09mightn't they?
07:09You know, it says, Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad,
07:12and all the gang at the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre.
07:16And with all the cards we've had in social services, you don't think that's a good cause?
07:19Look, I'm not saying it isn't a good cause, Rodney.
07:21All I'm saying, at Christmas time, people prefer a traditional Christmas card, don't they, eh?
07:25Like a nice wintery scene with a little snowman on it.
07:27A little robin redbreast.
07:29Not a sprig of ollie and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe.
07:33You're doing me right up sometimes, Del.
07:35I don't know why they want these drug addiction centres anyhow.
07:39I mean, ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them?
07:45No, no, Grandad, they're not training centres.
07:49What?
07:50Oh, God, I give up.
07:51Can we change the subject again?
07:53Go on, stroll on, Rodney.
07:54We're going through subjects quicker than mastermind.
07:59Didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
08:03I only asked, I only asked, because I promised to be the old girl downstairs for a cat.
08:08There weren't any giblets in it, Del boy.
08:10It was really clean, said so on the box.
08:13Yeah, I know, it was really clean, Grandad.
08:14What they do is they take the giblets out, put it in a plastic bag
08:16and they put it back inside the turkey, don't they?
08:19Do they?
08:20Yeah.
08:24You took the bag out, didn't you?
08:27I didn't know it was in there.
08:29Oh, my God.
08:30You made this picture with everything still in it.
08:33Oh, my good God.
08:36Blimey, it's like peering at the jaws of hell here.
08:39Didn't you at any time notice it?
08:41Like, for instance, when you were putting the stuffing in?
08:43Well, there's stuffing in there as well.
08:44I mean, there's everything in here, Rodney.
08:47Sage and onion, molten plastic, things.
08:51It's like Irish night in a delicatessen.
08:54I just didn't know it was in there, Del boy.
08:58It'll be all right, all right.
09:00All right, Grandad.
09:02Don't get overwrought.
09:04It's over and done with, isn't it, eh?
09:06Don't upset yourself.
09:07It's...
09:07You know, it's like, as the French say,
09:09it's a...
09:09It's a fait accompli.
09:20What about the old aftersen, eh?
09:22I'll go and get it.
09:24Yeah.
09:34All right, all right.
09:37Don't worry.
09:38Because custard is his forte.
09:41Oh, my God.
09:45Do you like your Christmas pudding really well, Dan?
10:03Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Osler will attempt the incredibly difficult triple sub-assault.
10:10Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Osler.
10:13Good Attenborough, sir.
10:35Oh!
10:43Sorry.
10:48I don't like circuses.
10:54What?
10:55I don't like circuses.
10:58Never have liked them.
11:00Shreffy.
11:03Never will like them, circuses.
11:05You made your point, Rodney. Why don't you switch over?
11:08Meh.
11:15There's one on the other side.
11:17Is there? What a shame.
11:19It's a pity you don't like them because you could be having a whale of a time now, couldn't you?
11:23Put a sock in it for half an hour now, will you?
11:33Good living in a tar block, innit, though?
11:35Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't know what she's missing.
11:39Look at that view, eh?
11:41On a clear day, you can see the ground.
11:46It's boring.
11:47It's boring.
11:50Boring, boring, boring.
11:56Boring!
12:00BORING!
12:01One in a minute, Rodney!
12:05Nothing's open out there and I'm bored.
12:07What? Hang about and I'll see if I can get on the phone and knock you up the Mardi Gras.
12:13Everyone's bored.
12:15Christmas is a religious festival. It's meant to be boring.
12:19I thought we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord.
12:22A time of great joy.
12:23It is a time of great joy. That's where everything's closed.
12:26Everyone's at home enjoying themselves like us.
12:29Enjoying themselves?
12:30Yeah, where's me nuts?
12:34Oh, right.
12:36So, just take a look at it out there, Del.
12:38It's like a neutron bomb, innit?
12:40The buildings are still standing, but there's no sign of life.
12:45Nah.
12:46The British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
12:49We're all charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom,
12:52like a herd of them, er...
12:55Oh, what's them things that commit suicide all the time?
12:57Japanese.
12:59No, lemmings.
13:00Yeah, like a herd of lemmings.
13:04Let's go out somewhere, Del, eh?
13:05There's better be a pub or a club open somewhere.
13:07It's Christmas night, Rodney.
13:10The Monte Carlo Club, New Cross, that's open.
13:13Then again, it is a bit rough.
13:14Oh, rough, is it?
13:15Yes, it's all those big men drinking beer and burping.
13:18Drinking tart, you.
13:19All right, then, let's go down to the Monte Carlo.
13:22You get a few birds down there, might be able to pull a couple.
13:24No, I don't want to go out, Rodney.
13:26Oh, well, you're boring as well.
13:27You're hardly a go on the Big Dipper yourself, Rodney.
13:29Well, why don't you want to go out?
13:31I shall tell you why, shall I?
13:33It may have slipped your notice,
13:34but there are three people living in this flat.
13:36You, me, and that scruffy little old man
13:37that does funny things to turkeys.
13:40Namely our grandfather.
13:41Are they not seriously suggesting that we push off out of it
13:44and leave him here on his own, are you?
13:45We often leave him on his own.
13:47Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney.
13:48Not on Christmas night.
13:50Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas.
13:52He wouldn't mind just this once.
13:54No, he would pretend that he wouldn't mind.
13:55But you don't know what would be going on in his little mind
13:58as he sat in this empty flat all in his own.
14:00You know, thinking about the good old days
14:02when Mum and Dad were here
14:04and Christmas time was a great big family affair.
14:08And we're still family, Rodney.
14:09So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad
14:11and watch, you know, the sound of music.
14:13I don't like the sound of music.
14:15I want to switch over.
14:16What's on?
14:17The circus.
14:18I want to go out, Del.
14:20Listen, Rodney.
14:21There are a lot of old people all over the country tonight
14:24sitting on their own.
14:25Now, half of them don't get a Christmas card,
14:28let alone a bit of company.
14:29So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad.
14:32Look, if I want to go out, I'll go out.
14:34You won't.
14:35I will.
14:36You won't, Rodney.
14:37I will, Del.
14:38You won't.
14:39I will.
14:40You won't.
14:40I will.
14:41I'm off out now.
14:42See you later, Grandad.
14:45You won't.
14:46I will.
14:49Oi.
14:50Oi.
14:50Just a minute.
14:51Where do you think you're going?
14:52I'm going to the old folks' Christmas duo at the community centre.
14:56I thought anything would be better than sitting in here all night
14:58listening to you two arguing.
15:01Tell us what happens in the sound of music.
15:04See ya.
15:05Yes.
15:06See ya, Grandad.
15:09Oh.
15:10That's terrific, that is, isn't it?
15:11Charming.
15:12He goes out gallivanting.
15:14We have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
15:16Oh, no, brother.
15:17Definitely not.
15:18Ha ha.
15:19Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo club, eh?
15:22Yeah.
15:23Right.
15:23Now listen.
15:24I'll have a bath first because there's hardly any hot water left.
15:27Right.
15:27You fit yourself a drink, make yourself comfortable and watch the circus.
15:31All right.
15:32Right.
15:32Like your host.
15:42Thanks.
15:49Now listen.
15:52Yes.
16:01Oi, John.
16:03Here's Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice and half a lager.
16:08Hello, my son. You all right, Earl?
16:10Hello, dull boy. Nice Christmas.
16:12Oh, yeah, blinder.
16:14Where's the enemy?
16:15She took the kids over her mum's.
16:17Yeah, how's the old man?
16:19Up and down like Tower Bridge.
16:21Still in hospital, unconscious most of the time.
16:24You know, when he wakes up, he don't know where he is.
16:28Oh.
16:28Well, next time when he comes round again, you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
16:33Oh, well, dull.
16:34Yeah.
16:35What's, uh, what's wrong with him?
16:38I can't pronounce it.
16:42Oh, yeah, how much is that?
16:4498 feet.
16:4598, there you go, I'll keep it changing.
16:46Now listen, Earl.
16:48Now listen, my son, this is what you want to do.
16:50Next time you're up to the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons, you know,
16:53they're the guys in their little white jackets, you know.
16:55You say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics.
16:58Antibiotics.
16:59That is an-e-bi-o-tics.
17:04Hang on, look, I'll write it down for you.
17:06Rodney, give me that replay I gave you for your Christmas present.
17:08Yeah.
17:09Right.
17:10Now then, let's see.
17:11You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
17:12Eh?
17:13I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
17:15What, that bunch of wallies?
17:17Leave it out.
17:18No, these are magic things.
17:19These are, Earl.
17:20I mean, they work a treat.
17:21God knows where they get them from.
17:23Yeah, do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18 months back,
17:25they gave him so many of these antibiotics
17:27that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better?
17:32Yeah, well, there you are, there it is.
17:34Don't take that to a chemist, will you, because it ain't a prescription.
17:37No, I won't, though, boy.
17:38Thanks a lot.
17:39That's really nice of you.
17:40Well, that's all right, my son.
17:41Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear?
17:42Yeah.
17:43All right.
17:43Come on, Rodney.
17:46Well, you are something else you are.
17:48Eh?
17:48I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times,
17:51but this takes the biscuit, doesn't it?
17:53I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker.
17:55Listen, listen, Rodney.
17:57Now, life has been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently.
18:00First of all, he got made redundant,
18:01and then it's been like that between him and his missus,
18:04and then to top it all, his old man collapses in the nags head
18:06right across the table where me and Trig were sitting.
18:09It was terrible.
18:09All the glasses went flying and everything, yeah?
18:12Yeah.
18:13What, serious?
18:14No, I only had about that much left.
18:17No, I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
18:20Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes,
18:21but he couldn't afford the fare.
18:22The way his luck's been going, he couldn't afford the fare
18:24to Leeds, let alone Lourdes.
18:28I've just given him a little bit of full soap, haven't I, eh?
18:30Like a light at the end of the tunnel,
18:32straw to grab at.
18:34Bit of promise for the new year.
18:40Yeah, but I mean,
18:41what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs, eh?
18:43I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
18:45Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
18:48What do you think they are at that hospital?
18:49A bunch of wallies.
18:50You said...
18:51Come on, you Egypt.
18:53You're flash you are, ain't ya?
18:55You think you know the lot, don't you?
18:57Everything about you is...
18:59Larry.
19:02What do you mean, Larry?
19:03Look at the way you dress to begin with, eh?
19:05What?
19:06I mean, you make a Christmas tree look sombre.
19:09God knows how you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
19:13When they see you coming, you must look like a muggers' pension scheme.
19:17Listen, how do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
19:21With his plumage, right?
19:23Well, this is my plumage.
19:25You see, when I approach a bird,
19:26she doesn't see the real me,
19:28the young, good-looking man about town,
19:30own teeth and all that sort of game.
19:31No, she sees
19:33in her subconscious
19:34a white yacht
19:35floating on the blue waters
19:37of a Caribbean bay.
19:38Is that right?
19:39Yeah.
19:40With you, they see a Winkle Barge
19:41sinking off the end of South End Pier.
19:44No.
19:44Because I don't need all the bullying
19:46and the perfume
19:46and the white shoes
19:47because I'm natural.
19:48I'm me, Del.
19:49I'm me.
19:50Yes, I know you're you.
19:51That's why you always end up with a dog.
19:52I do not go out with dogs.
19:54Oh, leave it off, Rodney.
19:55You've had more dogs than crafts.
19:57The other week,
19:58Grandad took your suit to the cleaners
20:00and they found a muzzle in the pocket.
20:02No.
20:03No, Rodney.
20:03I know the secret, you see.
20:04That's why I always blag the good'uns.
20:06You know, the air hostesses
20:07and the part-time models.
20:09Oh, yes, bruv.
20:10I've got the secret.
20:12Never fails me.
20:17Got a bone, Andy Rodders.
20:19I think you just cracked it again.
20:22That's when I get the shapes all over me
20:43What can I do with a sit-down?
20:44My pen's a-half aching.
20:45It's amazing, isn't it?
20:46Look at us, eh?
20:47The Peck and Play boys.
20:49I bet the only one who's pulled tonight
20:50is Grandad.
20:51Yeah, well, you ought to be used to it.
20:52The only thing you ever pull at Christmas
20:53is your cracker.
20:55Here, look, there's a table free over there, Rodders.
20:57Go on, look lively.
21:04Hey, Del, look.
21:05Oh, what?
21:06Look.
21:07Oh, no, they've only pinched our table.
21:09Oh, never mind about the table.
21:10Look at them two.
21:11Yeah, well, I wanted to sit down.
21:12We'll sit at their table.
21:14Come on.
21:21Well, go on, then, Del.
21:22Go on, what?
21:23Do the piss-o chat-em-up.
21:25How come it's always me
21:26that's got to do all the donkey work, eh?
21:27You're like the spy, you are, Rodders.
21:29You're the one who finds out
21:30where the enemy is hiding,
21:31but I'm the one who's got to charge
21:32across no-man's land
21:33and do the capturing.
21:34Well, I think it's about time
21:35that you took some of the old shot and shell.
21:37Go on.
21:38What?
21:38Me chat-em-up?
21:40Yeah, go on.
21:42All right, I'll do it.
21:45Go on, then.
21:46I will.
21:52What are you doing?
21:56Eh?
21:56What are you doing?
21:57Sucking myself up.
22:00It's all right.
22:01Be with you in a minute, girls.
22:02You're just psyching himself up.
22:03Shut up.
22:04Come on, look.
22:05Behave yourself.
22:06Now, look, this is kamikaze time.
22:08Now, go on, get over there.
22:09I will.
22:10Well, go on, then.
22:10In my own time, Dale.
22:22Go on, then.
22:23Just shut up, will you?
22:24Go on, then.
22:35Oi!
22:36Soppy!
22:38Come here!
22:44I'd like to kill you sometimes.
22:45Sometimes I'd really like to work you bad.
22:48What was that silly walk for?
22:49Your gut's playing you up again.
22:50It was body language.
22:52Look, I've got this book on it.
22:53Body language?
22:54I thought you were limping.
22:55I was talking to him.
22:57Talking?
22:58You were lisping?
22:58What were you supposed to be saying, then?
23:00Well, the walk was saying pelvis, virility.
23:05It was saying, now, here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity.
23:10Oh.
23:10From back here, it was saying, here comes a man with his truss on back to front.
23:14Look, just don't do it.
23:16Right?
23:16Don't do it.
23:18Now, go over again, and this time, walk normal.
23:21Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
23:23No, I made myself look a right lemon.
23:24No, you haven't.
23:25Go on.
23:25What?
23:25After I bought in the attempt halfway through, now you go.
23:28Well, after you made a right lemon of yourself, no way, brother, no.
23:31Now, listen.
23:32Come here, look.
23:33Tell what we'll do.
23:34We'll act cool, right?
23:36Just come on, stroll casually over to the bar.
23:38We'll get ourselves a drink, and then when they're not looking...
23:41Sneak out.
23:42We'll sneak...
23:42No.
23:43When they're not looking, we'll ambush them.
23:48It's you, Wally.
23:49Come on.
24:06Hey, Dale.
24:07No, I've got it.
24:07I've got it.
24:08No, just now.
24:09Shut up.
24:09Shut up.
24:11This is what we're going to do.
24:13You're going to leave the club.
24:15Leave?
24:16Yeah.
24:17Then when you get outside, you leave it a couple of minutes, right?
24:19Then you come back to the doorman, and you say that there is a brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche
24:23obstructing your three-wheel van.
24:26Why?
24:27Well, because then he'll come on the mic, won't he, and say,
24:29Will the owner of the brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche kindly move it as it's obstructing
24:33some saps' three-wheel van?
24:34See, then I will casually get up, jangle in my keys, and join you outside.
24:43Why?
24:45Well, because them birds will think that I drive a brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche, won't they?
24:49Oh, yeah.
24:52Yeah, but they'll also think that I drive a three-wheel van.
24:56Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
24:57Yeah, I know I do, but I don't want them knowing that, do I?
24:59Well, they won't, will they?
25:00Because you'll be outside.
25:03With you?
25:04Right.
25:05So that means the girls will be in here in the warm, and us two shrewdies will be outside
25:11on the pavement somewhere congratulating each other, then we're going to have to pay to
25:14get back in again.
25:21Yeah, all right.
25:22Yeah.
25:22All right, then, clever dick.
25:24All right, what we'll do, we'll play it by you, we'll just go over there and engage them
25:27in conversation, right?
25:28Right.
25:29Right.
25:33I'll know I'll do it a minute, Bill.
25:34What?
25:35What sort of conversation are you going to engage them in, eh?
25:37I mean, you always tell lies, don't you?
25:39You always say, oh, yeah, you've got flesh cars, and we're film producers, and we've got a
25:42private jet, don't you?
25:44Well, everyone exaggerates now and then, Rodney.
25:46Yeah, but I don't know what to say.
25:47I get embarrassed.
25:49Look, just tell them the truth, right?
25:50Just tell them about our lives and what we do.
25:53All right, all right.
25:54I just want to sit down.
25:55You can do the talking.
25:56Right.
25:58Now, hold it, Bill.
25:59Oh, God almighty.
26:01What shall I say to them?
26:02What?
26:03Well, I don't know.
26:04Why don't you tell them that you went down the auction on Friday and bought a 1962 A40?
26:09That you sold 30 Christmas trees in the market and knocked out two gross of
26:12fire-salvaged Rubik cubes in Croydon's shopping precinct.
26:15You know, tantalise them, Rodney.
26:17Tantalise them.
26:18Don't think it might bore them.
26:19No.
26:20They won't have had so much fun since their last exorcism.
26:23We can talk about Christmas.
26:24Yeah, that's a good idea.
26:26Tell them all about the giblets.
26:27I'll make them all.
26:30No, don't hold it.
26:31Look, I shall kick you in the shins in a minute.
26:34Now what?
26:35Which one do you fancy?
26:37Not yours.
26:38Look, they're both very nice.
26:41Look, I ain't particular.
26:42No, I ain't particular neither.
26:44Good.
26:44I'll have the blonde one then.
26:45No, I fancy the blonde one.
26:47Gordon!
26:48Then hit.
26:49Now listen, the dark-haired one is very nice.
26:52And if I'm not mistaken, I've seen her two or three times coming out of Guy's Hospital.
26:56Now either she is a very sick girl or she's a nurse.
26:59Now you like a nice nurse, don't you, eh?
27:00Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
27:03Well, you know, take it or leave it, you know.
27:05Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
27:08Well, of course she ain't.
27:10You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club dressed up like Sister George, do you?
27:13On the other hand, she might have her uniform with her.
27:16Oh, yeah, stuffed in her handbag in case she sees an accident on the way home.
27:21All right, so she hasn't got her uniform with her.
27:24On the other hand, she might have something for your stomach, mightn't she?
27:26Now come along, we're going to make our move, and I'm going to do all the talking.
27:31So if you should hear things like Lamborghini, Malibu Beach, or Lady Diana, don't get nervous.
27:37All right.
27:37All right.
27:47You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
27:50Me?
27:50Don't blame me, girl.
27:51It's your fault.
27:52Look, five minutes ago, I was ready to make my move, and you kept calling me back again.
27:56An hour ago, I was halfway across that floor, and you called me back.
27:59Yes, that's because you was doing a silly walk, weren't you?
28:01But anyway, your timing was all wrong.
28:03The girls had hardly sat down, and you were steaming across the floor like I for the engine.
28:08No good crashing in there with a smile and a prayer.
28:11A woman needs time, Rodney.
28:13Yeah, well, in tactics, they never failed me in the past.
28:15No, I know.
28:16It wouldn't do nothing with them oval teenies that you chat up.
28:18Listen, I've heard your line of patter, my son.
28:20If they don't know Adamant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit?
28:25With me, it's different.
28:26I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
28:30I do.
28:31Look, when a woman goes out with me, she is guaranteed three things.
28:36Well, four, actually, but the fourth is an optional extra.
28:39She is guaranteed a well-dressed man.
28:42Yes, she is.
28:43She's guaranteed a steak meal, and she is guaranteed care and consideration.
28:48Oh, now, come on.
28:49Oh, yes, she is.
28:50I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
28:53No, it's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word.
28:58It's a happy-time gesture.
29:00No, I don't care about women's feelings.
29:03There's too much pain in this world, Rodney, without me causing more.
29:17Excuse me, ladies, it's getting rather late,
29:19and my brother and I were wondering if you were thinking about going home yet.
29:23Oh, yes, we were just going to get our coats.
29:25Oh, good.
29:26We can have your chairs in, can't we?
29:30Come on, come on, Rodney.
29:32Let's go, come on.