- 2 months ago
1990 SITCOM "Harvey threatens Diana with expulsion unless she removes the partition, but they both have more pressing matters to consider as Daisy becomes completely domineering, taking over the home with her ideas and threatening to get current staff sacked. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:19Thank you
00:49That should keep the mad Huns and the yellow hordes at bay.
00:53Not to mention daft old goats called Tom.
00:57Harvey says that wall has got to go, Diane.
01:00If you do not take it down voluntarily, he will, er...
01:04What? Come and huff and puff and blow my wall down?
01:08Invoke the structural alterations to premises without prior consultation with the management,
01:14the board and the planning committee clause in your contract of residency.
01:18Well, you just tell little Harvey that if just one millimetre of his smallest toenail comes across my doorstep,
01:26he will be the happy recipient of a ten megaton exploding suppository.
01:30Goodbye.
01:31Diana, please.
01:32That wall stays until Tom apologises for asking me to shack up with him in order to save money.
01:38Did you make that clear to him?
01:39Well, I tried, but he just said you were being more bloody-minded than usual.
01:44He said you were like a mad snake, eating itself from the tail upwards.
01:49I can't see how that would work myself.
01:52And then Daisy Williams came along and dragged him off.
01:56What's that little Dresden Hitler up to?
01:59Well, she's got Harvey around her little finger.
02:01And Tom too, by the sound of it.
02:03Oh, I don't think anyone could come between you and Tom.
02:06What?
02:06Oh, you needn't be jealous of her, Diana.
02:09Jealous? Me?
02:11I'm not jealous.
02:12I have never been jealous.
02:14I would never tolerate an emotion based on the wayward and fickle affections of a mere man.
02:19I don't believe you, Diana.
02:21Naughty, naughty, fibby, fibby.
02:24Bogey man will get your blood.
02:27Beam her up, Scotty.
02:30You can't fool me, Diana.
02:33I am also a woman.
02:34Really?
02:36Diana.
02:37Listen, Jane, just because you cull your entire emotional life from the drifting candy floss guff of the latest Mills
02:44and Boone
02:45does not mean that everyone does.
02:47I happen to be a self-contained unit.
02:50I do not need a man about the place.
02:52Particularly not a bumbling old golf bag like Tom.
02:56I don't think you're listening to your heart, Diana.
02:59Diana, go away.
03:01That wall stays until Tom sees the error of his ways.
03:05Yes, Diana.
03:07Oh, could you again sort out the stallholders for this year's fate?
03:13Why not?
03:13Last year we only lost 200 pounds.
03:15This year, if we really put our backs into it, we could bankrupt the place.
03:21That's right, put it down there.
03:23Just a minute.
03:24Oh, you really are very clumsy, Jane.
03:26Please do straighten up, Jane.
03:28This is a jolly good idea, Daisy.
03:30Well, of course it is.
03:31I've run a few messes in my time, and my motto was always mucking and tucking all chaps together.
03:37None of this individual table nonsense.
03:40The team that eats together wins together.
03:44Isn't that so, Tom?
03:45Jane, what did they win?
03:47Wars, of course.
03:49And I want to make you my second in command.
03:53Oh, really?
03:55What would my rank be?
03:57Well, I wouldn't dream of working with anyone below a full colonel.
04:02Colonel, eh?
04:03Colonel Tom.
04:04Yes, that sounds very right.
04:06Colonel Tom.
04:07Ready to go over the top, sir.
04:09He's been over the top for years.
04:12Now, everyone will have to sit together.
04:14That's Diana's table.
04:16I'm not sure this will meet with everyone's approval.
04:18Of course it will, Tom.
04:19It's just what we've always needed round here.
04:21A bit of uniformity, strict mealtimes, any one menu.
04:23Save a fortune in food and overtime.
04:25Oh, for goodness sake, Jane.
04:27Sorry, Harth.
04:28Come along, Colonel Tom.
04:29We have lots to do.
04:31Now, what we need is more recreation.
04:34Yes.
04:34Organised.
04:35I want you to rustle up a few medicine balls.
04:38Medicine balls?
04:38I don't know what Diana will say.
04:41There's going to be blood all over the walls.
04:54Ah.
04:55What do you want?
04:57I don't want anything.
04:59I was just saying, um, I can't remember.
05:04You want to apologise?
05:06Do I?
05:07What for?
05:08For being rude to me.
05:10You mean, asking you to share your life with me?
05:13It wasn't your life you were asking me to share.
05:14It was your rent.
05:15You asked me to shack up with you.
05:18As if I were some sort of itinerant teenage slattern.
05:21Oh, it was just an expression.
05:23It was an attitude, Tom.
05:25You have so little regard for my feelings or me
05:29that you thought you could toss me some sort of mouldy old bone
05:32and I'd think it was bloody Christmas.
05:34What would you want?
05:36Marriage?
05:40I used to be an accountant, you know.
05:42Economy comes as naturally to me as being a vicious old prune comes to you.
05:47I didn't know you were going to have a fit about it.
05:51Jane Russell and Beatty Bardot were quite happy to share their costs with me.
05:54It wasn't all hot passion, you know.
05:57Oh, no.
05:57At the end of the day, we still had to toss up our chitties.
06:06Maybe I'll get someone else to share with me.
06:09There must be somebody around here with a bit of common sense.
06:16So, that's the programme, chaps.
06:18More togetherness, more planning, more organisation
06:21so that we can all rattle along as one big happy family.
06:25Any questions, observations, ideas?
06:28Uh, Daisy...
06:29Not now, Basil.
06:29Well, jolly good, so that's a good one.
06:32Now, we shall need a coordinator of activities.
06:37Any nominations.
06:39Tom?
06:40Oh, I nominate you, is that right?
06:42Oh, what a surprise!
06:45And I second that, so that's agreed.
06:47I'm in charge.
06:48And I elect Tom as my ADC.
06:52Right, now, we can all tuck in.
07:28Well, come along.
07:29Come on, Jenny, get it up.
07:31I'm afraid the tables stay where they are.
07:34I beg your pardon?
07:35It's all part of the new order, my dear.
07:38We are all agreed that it is much more conducive to good morale
07:42if we all sit together and talk together at mealtimes.
07:47And do we all sing the Horst Vessel song before pudding?
07:51Yes, well, that is the sort of remark one might expect from a communist.
07:55Oh!
07:57Tom?
07:59I don't believe we are talking to each other, Diana.
08:04I see.
08:05And you are all in agreement with this, are you?
08:08Basil?
08:11Unanimous.
08:12Now, do sit down, Miss Trent.
08:14When I want to break bread with a bunch of headless chickens and a goose-stepping turkey,
08:19I'll let you know.
08:26Well, there is always one.
08:29Never mind.
08:30She'll come round.
08:31They always do when they see that my way is the best.
08:35Besides, now that we're all united, there isn't much choice.
08:39Is there, Tom?
08:41Er, no, no.
08:42I suppose not.
08:51Right, everybody ready?
08:53Harvey?
08:54Absolutely.
08:56Jane?
08:57Yes?
08:58And Colonel Tom?
09:02Right, off we go!
09:04Whistle!
09:15What on earth is going on?
09:18Daisy Williams wants to make everyone fit.
09:21He said, kill them all.
09:23That's probably what Harvey's counting on.
09:26What's Tom doing?
09:27Oh, he's a colonel now.
09:29Says he's going to take to Brook before tea time.
09:36How does one go about resigning from the human race?
09:43Come on, Tom!
09:45Come on!
09:46A promise, Tom!
09:50Oh, no!
09:52I see.
09:57Ah, the cup that cheers but not inebriates.
10:01The sweet goo that kept the empire stuck together.
10:06Who said that?
10:07I did, just now.
10:11I suppose I put that up to keep out that dreadful Trent woman.
10:15Oh, she's all right.
10:17No, she is not, Tom.
10:19Believe me, I know the type.
10:21Fifth columnists.
10:22It was people like her, free thinkers that lost us the empire.
10:26No team spirit.
10:28She does not care for her fellow man.
10:30She can't stand her fellow man.
10:34Precisely.
10:37There have got to be a lot of changes around here if I'm going to stay.
10:42There's far too much isolation in this place.
10:44I think there should be more communal living, shared kitchens, shared living areas.
10:49Economies of scale.
10:51Just what I was saying to Diana.
10:53Of course, Harvey Baines will have to go.
10:57Harvey?
10:57Oh, yes.
10:58Hopeless incompetent.
10:59And that flimsy fish Jane.
11:02I can't tell you Jane.
11:04No place for waverers in our new world, Tom.
11:08Oh.
11:09I shall put in a report to the shareholders.
11:12Do you know any shareholders?
11:14My son and daughter-in-law seem to have a stake in the place.
11:17Good.
11:17We'll get on to them.
11:19Soon have the waverers packing their bags.
11:22But, Daisy, you shouldn't throw the bath out with a water baby.
11:34Basil.
11:35Betty.
11:37Oh.
11:38What is it?
11:39I was just about to belt Betty's balls clean over the fence.
11:43He's doing what?
11:44Ah, well, er...
11:45Now then, Betty, last year you were working the candy floss machine.
11:49Yes.
11:50Not very successfully, as I recall.
11:52Lady Mayores, totally covered in huge globs of pink slime.
11:56Raffle tickets this year, I think.
11:57Now, Basil.
11:58Diana.
11:59You had yourself down as wanting to lead the red arrows in a formation flypast.
12:06Try not to be loony, Basil.
12:08One loony round here is quite enough.
12:09Diana.
12:10Now, you will run the bite the apple in the bowl of water.
12:13And this year, teeth must be kept in the mouth.
12:17Diana.
12:17What?
12:19It's all done.
12:20What is it?
12:21Stall allocation.
12:23Betty's on pink elephants.
12:25White elephants.
12:26And I'm on donkey rides.
12:27And who has done this allocating?
12:30Daisy Williams.
12:32I see.
12:36Tears before bedtime.
12:38Just not quite sure who's.
12:44She's what?
12:46She's planning on having you removed.
12:48And me.
12:49Never mind you, Jane.
12:50Just stick to the important bit.
12:52How has she managed to have me removed?
12:53Well, she's going to prove to the board and the shareholders that you are incompetent.
12:58Well, how on earth could she do that?
13:00Don't answer that question, Jane.
13:02Well, well, little Miss Daisy.
13:03Little Miss Daisy wouldn't melt butter in my mouth, Miss Daisy.
13:06You poisonous little witch!
13:09I've been so nice to her, Jane.
13:10Oh, you have, Harvey.
13:12Well, you're nice to everyone.
13:14Is Diana Trent behind this?
13:15Is she, Jane?
13:16Is she?
13:16Is she?
13:17I knew she was.
13:18She's behind everything.
13:19She's in all my worst nightmares.
13:21Must be her.
13:21It's always her.
13:22It's not her.
13:24It could be Tom, though.
13:25Tom without Diana?
13:26I doubt it, Jane.
13:28Tom couldn't find his own nose without a guide dog.
13:30Well, I think Daisy's taking Diana's place.
13:33She seems to be his guiding light now, and she's just as tough as Diana.
13:37Oh, God, I can't have two warrior women crashing round the place.
13:41One of them will have to go.
13:42Which one?
13:43I don't know.
13:44What a choice.
13:44If you get rid of Lucretia Borgia, you're still left with Ivana the Terrible.
13:50This Daisy Williams really seems to be on the ball, Dad.
13:53Oh, she is.
13:53I mean, this is just an interim report on the way she thinks things should be restructured
13:57around here.
13:58I must say, it's jolly impressive.
14:00Oh, she is very impressive.
14:02We think she's what you might call a good influence.
14:04Not like that child-eater next door.
14:07No, no, she's not like Diana, I must say.
14:11And if the old snakeskin won't move in with you, then maybe Daisy will.
14:15You can set a trend.
14:17Get them all sharing, then we can cut the cost, squeeze in more of them, and at last
14:22turn a bit of a profit.
14:24What do you say?
14:26May I show you to your car?
14:29Got another appointment, have you, Dad?
14:31No, Geoffrey, I just feel one of my must-strangle-marion fits coming on.
14:36Oh, you're a funny old possum, aren't you?
14:39Well, bye-bye, Tom.
14:42Oh, do leave the door open.
14:44It's awfully whiffy in here.
14:53Geoffrey, there are poisons, you know.
14:55which are almost untraceable.
14:57Yes, thank you, Dad.
14:58Now, don't let Daisy slip through your fingers.
15:00She's a topsoil, Dad.
15:12Right, Jenny.
15:13Here are this week's menus.
15:15Pass them on to chef for me.
15:18There's Yorkshire pudding every other day.
15:20Yes, that's right.
15:21And bangers and mash and mutton stew.
15:24Oh, good English food.
15:26I never could see the point of that French fiddle-faddle
15:28that's creeping in all over the place.
15:30Well, go on.
15:31Off you go.
15:33Hello.
15:34Do you know what the French say about our cooking?
15:37I'm sure I don't.
15:39The English have a hundred different religions,
15:41but only one source.
15:43Yes, well, it was probably remarks like that
15:45that started the Hundred Years' War.
15:47Which we lost.
15:49For the moment.
15:51Oh.
15:52Did you want something?
15:54Yes.
15:56What are your intentions towards Tom Ballard?
16:00I'm sorry.
16:01I didn't quite catch that.
16:03Standing too close to the guns.
16:06Sorry.
16:08I said, what do you feel about Tom?
16:13What is that to you?
16:14When you pension off your old cart horse,
16:17you want to make sure that he has a comfy pasture
16:19and a bag of oats.
16:21Are you calling me a bag of oats?
16:23Well, you're certainly not a comfy pasture.
16:27Does this mean that you are thinking of leaving?
16:32Well, one of us has to.
16:35Not necessarily.
16:36All you have to do is pull with the team.
16:39Be a decent member of the community.
16:40As I said, one of us has to.
16:43I see.
16:44Well, who knows what the future may hold,
16:47but I think you may rest assured
16:50that the British officer knows how to care for his men.
16:55Well, I suppose that'll have to do.
16:59Oh, by the way,
17:00he gets very bad sciatica during the winter.
17:04All down his left leg.
17:05And it's also his Mount Everest climbing season.
17:08So make sure he doesn't sit on the roof too long
17:10when it's snowing.
17:15This report is treachery, Jane.
17:17She says I'm a totally unnecessary person.
17:20Do you want to get rid of me, too?
17:22If this gets back to the board, I could be in real trouble.
17:25And I don't want to lose my jaw.
17:26Me, too.
17:27Will you stop being so self-centred, Jane?
17:30It's all, Harvey.
17:34We're going to have to get Diana on our side.
17:36Oh, God, I'm going to have to be nice to her.
17:40How do I look, Jane?
17:41Oh, gorgeous, Harvey.
17:44Oh, Diana!
17:45How totally fantastically wonderful to see you.
17:49Shut up.
17:50The only reason you've got your office up here
17:52is so that half of us can't get at you.
17:55Oh, I do love your little jest, Diana.
17:57And I must say, you are looking smashing today.
18:00I bet all the local Dom Wands are hanging round your door, eh?
18:04You're gibbering, Harvey.
18:05Thank you, Diana.
18:07And you smell of fear and cheap aftershave.
18:09It wasn't cheap.
18:11I mean, um...
18:13Smell of fear?
18:14No doubt comes from this.
18:17You know about this?
18:18Not a leaf falls.
18:19Yes, and I suppose you're right behind it.
18:21No, not at all.
18:22So you'll help us bury it?
18:24Get this daisy person on her bike?
18:27Nope.
18:28What?
18:29N-O, no.
18:30But I don't understand.
18:32What part of the word no do you not understand?
18:35But why not?
18:36Because of Tom.
18:38Tom?
18:39Well, he, er...
18:40He needs someone in his life or he tends to fall apart.
18:42And I'm obviously not the right person.
18:45But I'm sure Mrs Williams has strength enough for both of them.
18:49I would not stand in their way.
18:51Oh, how wonderful.
18:54Oh, you really are a Christian person.
18:57Oh, shut up, Diana.
18:59You mean, you'd give in?
19:01Leave just so as old Tom can have a bit of happiness?
19:04I probably would.
19:05Good grief.
19:06You really are a barmy old coot, aren't you?
19:09Are they?
19:13Here we go, Tom.
19:15Thank you, Jenny.
19:17Tom?
19:18Hmm?
19:20You know you're the biggest wally ever to draw breath, don't you?
19:26Have they put you on new pills, Basil?
19:29In fact, I think you may be the most stupid man I've ever met.
19:33And I was in the army for ten years.
19:37What have I done?
19:38You have let Daisy Williams put you in blinkers and drag you round by the nose.
19:45You deserve to have your ears boxed.
19:47I'd do it myself if I wasn't so knackered with being the local Casanova.
19:52You're not being a touch rude, are you, Basil?
19:55I hope so.
19:57Diana may be one of the most malevolent old crabs to crawl up the beach,
20:02but at least she's not one of these half-pint sergeant majors
20:06trying to get us to invade Germany every 20 minutes.
20:09Are you trying to tell me something, Basil?
20:15Ahoy there!
20:16Anyone aboard?
20:18Go away, Tom.
20:21What-ho?
20:24What are you doing in here?
20:25You belong over there.
20:26I've come to take you to lunch.
20:28I'm lunching here.
20:29No, you're not.
20:30You're lunching in the dining room.
20:32I have no desire to mess with the boys
20:35whilst being harangued by that short-arse Genghis Khan.
20:39Do it for me.
20:41I've already done quite enough for you, Tom.
20:44Go away.
20:45It's important to my future.
20:48You mean, if I can't be brought to heel,
20:51you'll lose face in the eyes of your daisy love?
20:55Maybe.
20:57You're pathetic.
21:00Pass me my stick.
21:08Now, I am thinking of putting up a sort of daily roster
21:12and a positive thought for the day every morning.
21:16Okay?
21:17Do speak up if you don't agree.
21:19Uh, Daisy.
21:21Not now, Basil.
21:22Good.
21:22So that's a good one.
21:23The new company notice board will be in the corridor out there.
21:29Well, hello there.
21:31Hello, Colonel.
21:33And welcome, Diana.
21:36How nice to see you in the dining room again.
21:39May we assume from your presence here
21:40that you have decided to join us in the new order of things?
21:44You may.
21:44Well, I'll be jiggled.
21:47How splendid.
21:49Do come and sit at your place.
21:51It has not been reallocated yet.
21:55You're right, old place.
21:58Hold it.
22:05Step aside, please.
22:07Tom?
22:12Tom!
22:14Quiet, woman.
22:16Tom, what are you doing?
22:17Diana, your rightful place.
22:20Hooray!
22:21Thank you, Tom.
22:23Stop it.
22:24Stop it at once.
22:26Sorry, old thing.
22:28But you see, the people here,
22:30well, they're here because they have survived,
22:32not just because they're old,
22:34but because they have been made with the right stuff.
22:37Independence, self-reliance,
22:40being an individual.
22:41There's a time and place for armies and teams
22:44and pulling together,
22:45and over the years, I'm sure they've all done that.
22:48But this is their time now.
22:50Our time.
22:51Not a time to be bullied or dragooned,
22:53but a time to enjoy.
22:55A time to reflect.
22:58A time to smile.
22:59Ha, ha!
23:01Ha, ha!
23:02Ha, ha, ha!
23:10Where did you get that bloody awful speech from?
23:12From nowhere.
23:13I just said it.
23:14Bet Jimmy Stewart said it first.
23:16No, he did not.
23:17I thought you were rather taken with her.
23:20No, I was swept along by her.
23:24We all were.
23:25Well, I wasn't.
23:26No, but you're not a normal human being.
23:29Appeals to your community spirit
23:30might just as well be addressed in Urdu
23:32to an emu for all the effect they're going to have.
23:34Appeals to jingoistic spirits,
23:36forming teams that desire to inflict your views
23:39on all around you.
23:40Fascism, Tom.
23:42Oh, patriotism.
23:43It's a fine line.
23:46Mm, yeah.
23:48So, what is happening to Daisy?
23:50Oh, Daisy.
23:51She thinks you're all a pack of pinkos,
23:53and she's going back to Aldershot
23:55to the El Alamein retirement home.
23:58Ha, ha, ha.
23:58I shall miss her.
23:59I was looking forward to a good punch-up.
24:01Yes.
24:03Why didn't you?
24:03We were all expecting you to come out fighting.
24:06Why did you let her off so easily?
24:09Why?
24:11Oh, maybe I'm getting a bit old, Tom.
24:14Oh.
24:15Well, I'm glad the old Berlin Wall's gone.
24:18You understood?
24:19Well, I didn't take to being opportune in that manner.
24:21You mean asking you to shack up with me?
24:25Yes, I do.
24:26Well, what if I had phrased it differently?
24:28How?
24:29Well, what if I had said,
24:32look, Diana,
24:33we're a couple of old battered buses.
24:36Why don't we just ring the last bell
24:38and trundle off to the old scrapyard together, eh?
24:42What if I had said it like that,
24:44romantically?
24:46Oh, goodness.
24:48As romantically as that, eh?
24:50Yes, well, I'm British.
24:52As a nation,
24:53we're all a bit constipated
24:54when it comes to paying compliments.
24:56I just thought it'd be nice
24:57if we had lived together.
24:58Well, why didn't you say that?
25:02Clean, simple, to the point?
25:04Really?
25:05Yes, I wouldn't have taken offence at that.
25:08Oh?
25:10Oh.
25:13All right.
25:14I'll try it.
25:15A clean, simple, straightforward question.
25:21Diana.
25:23Uh, Tom.
25:24Yes?
25:25You ask a simple question,
25:26you'll get a simple answer.
25:27And I promise you.
25:29Be it yes or no,
25:30you'll regret it.
25:31Well, no.
25:32You'll feel rejected.
25:34Yes?
25:35You'll regret it.
25:38Uh, would I really?
25:40Oh, believe me.
25:41I live with me.
25:42It's hell.
25:42I wish I could move out.
25:45Uh, so I'd better put the film back on the spool
25:48and rewind to the point
25:50where Fred pops the question to Ginger.
25:55Hmm, hmm, hmm.
25:56Good idea.
25:57Dear old Ginger Rogers,
25:59we had a lot of laughs together.
26:01Did you know her well?
26:02We did eight films together.
26:04Of course you did.
26:10Ginger.
26:11Fred?
26:12Would you care to step outside
26:14and cut the rug with me?
26:15I'd be delighted.
26:24Heaven, I'm in heaven
26:26And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
26:31And I seem to find the happiness I see
26:34Tom?
26:35Yes, Diana?
26:36I'd like to tell you something.
26:38Are you sure, Diana?
26:39Oh, I'm sure, Tom.
26:41So what do you want to tell me, Diana?
26:42You're just trodden on my foot,
26:44you great clumsy...
26:45Sorry!
26:47Oh!
26:47Oh!
26:50Oh!
26:51Oh!
26:53Oh!
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