I Couldn't Get Away From My Stepfather

Unfiltered Stories

In today's episode of Unfiltered Stories, our guest Felicia shares her life story with us. She had to endure so much at the hands of her stepfather. As a kid, she couldn't get away from him despite all her efforts.  After seeing a video about CSA, she realized what was happening to her was not normal.  She talks about how this experience affected her health and her life. She gives advice to all the survivors to help their healing process.   #Survivor #LifeStory #Inspiring   Thank you for watching Unfiltered Stories! We offer a platform for our guests to speak openly about their life stories and journeys, shedding light on the challenges they faced and the resilience they've shown.   Our mission is to raise awareness about survivors by delving into their stories, exploring the impact of their experiences, and how they've managed to heal and rebuild their lives.  By sharing these stories, we aim to break the silence surrounding those challenging memories and create a compassionate environment.   🌅 FOLLOW US 🌅  Facebook ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredFB  Tiktok ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredTT  Snapchat ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredSN

Transcript

00:00My name is Felicia. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and this is my way of raising

00:04awareness. My mother and father were divorced, and she remarried, and that's when my abuse started.

00:10I was five. Small things at first, he would, you know, cuddle me, hug me. He loved to tickle me,

00:15things like that, and then over the summer, it kind of got worse. That's when he started putting

00:19his hands under my clothes and feeling, and he would always say that that feels great. You know,

00:24you're doing so good, and he would always say you're being such a good girl, so when I would

00:28refuse him, then that meant I wasn't being a good girl anymore. You know, I would be in trouble for

00:33nothing. He would ground me just because I wasn't being a good girl. So this went on for seven years.

00:40Over the years, the abuse continued to get worse. When I was around eight is when I had my first

00:45at the hands of him. I didn't really even know what it was, but it became something that I used

00:51as a

00:52way to calm anxiety, so it kind of became an obsession. I would even do it in school. I'd rub

00:57against the seat in school. The teachers never questioned it. The teachers never paid attention

01:02to it, and I just, I don't understand that. When I was 12 is when he raped me. He had

01:07asked me to go

01:08into their bedroom. My mother was working, and I remember telling him no. I said, I'm not going

01:13to do that. Well, that's when he grabbed me, and he, you know, pulled me into the bedroom. He threw

01:19me

01:19on the bed. You know, he yanked my clothes off. I remember I was terrified. I started panicking,

01:23and I, you know, asked him, like, what are you doing? Because he had never done that before.

01:26He put my arms behind my head. He told me, you know, just lay there and shut up, and, you

01:31know,

01:31let him do what he was going to do. And he was just so heavy on me. He didn't stop.

01:36I mean,

01:36seemed like forever, but I would probably say it was a few minutes in when I wiggled my way under

01:40his arm, and I ran out of the room naked. Remember, I ran to my bedroom. I put, you know,

01:45my clothes on

01:46real quick, and I left next door. And that day, you know, I was thinking that my mother would see

01:51that

01:51I was different and would ask, you know, what happened, but she didn't. She didn't. I don't

01:57know if she just didn't notice or if she was ignoring it. So most of my childhood, I was always

02:02shy. You know, I was quiet. I still kind of am. I kept to myself. I didn't have many friends.

02:07Everybody thought that I was just a quiet kid when that really wasn't what it was. I was terrified

02:12all the time. I began having nightmares very young. I still do. I still have those nightmares.

02:18You know, I'll wake up feeling like he's on top of me and I can't breathe and, you know,

02:23I'm panicking. And that happens, I would say, on at least a weekly basis. Abuse went on for seven

02:28years. When I was 10, I had a birthday party and my mother had left to go pick up a

02:34pizza

02:34and he made me stay there with him. He was chasing me around the house because he wanted to have

02:41a

02:41little fun before the party. And I kept telling him, no, we're not, you know, no, it's my party.

02:46I have friends coming over. And, you know, when he kept saying, if you don't behave, then I'm going

02:50to tell your friends you're being bad and we're not going to, you know, you're not going to be

02:53able to have a party because you're being a bad girl. I remember because I, I stood there with my

02:58head down. I always had my head down and I stood there for about a minute, hoping that the time

03:03would pass and somebody would show up. But, you know, that didn't happen. So I remember I surrendered.

03:09I walked over to him and I stood there. You know, he pulled my, you know, shorts down. He picked

03:13up

03:14my shirt. I remember I was standing there because of course we're Christian and in my mom's kitchen,

03:18she had a, the last supper wall hanging on the wall. And I remember I was staring at that the

03:23whole time, wondering why God wasn't saving me. Why was God allowing this to happen to me? And why

03:29wasn't he helping me? Where is God in all of this? You know, why is this happening? It should not

03:34be

03:34happening. But of course he continued until he finished. And then, you know, that's when I ran to

03:39the shower, changed and showered and stuff before everybody got there. You know, after my friends

03:45and my mother came back, we were having the party. I remember that I was staring at him because he

03:50was

03:50eating his pizza with the same hand that he was using to touch me. I remember thinking like, did he

03:56even wash his hands? I wasn't enjoying the party. I was never in the moment. I was always just thinking

04:01that something that had already happened. Did he wash his hands? I'm 45 now and my brain is still

04:07for somewhere else. It's never in the moment, which I'm working on that, but it's not, it's not easy

04:14because I feel like I dissociate a lot. Like even, you know, during intercourse with my husband,

04:20sometimes I'll notice that I'm staring into the corner or, you know, my brain is just somewhere

04:25else. You know, I don't really have control over it anymore. So the abuse happened for seven years

04:29after me, he did go on and abuse other kids. And then he served 13 years in prison, but now

04:36he's

04:37out free. And that's what made me want to tell my story and write my book and raise awareness because

04:43I'm sure right now he's out looking for his next victim. So it was important for me to write my

04:49book and show the world what, what he did and you know, what he is. When I was 12 years

04:54old,

04:55our school counselor showed a video during our PE class, which was talking about childhood sexual abuse.

05:02During the video is when I realized that this wasn't normal. And I was in shock because my whole

05:08life, I thought this was normal. I remember going to the bathroom crying and my friend was with me

05:12and she asked me, is that mean man touching you? And I told her, no, why, why would you say

05:18that?

05:19Like, of course not. Well, she already knew that it was happening because she had seen things going

05:23on around my house. Like she would see him walking around naked and mask in the living room watching

05:29like he would do that with my friends over and I tried my best to shield them from it. But

05:34I never,

05:35I never could. The day that my school counselor found out, you know, my friend reported it to her.

05:40And then like hours later, CPF showed up at my house, told my mother about it, and she kicked him

05:46out.

05:46So I never saw him again after that. She believed me, which is always my fear because he would always

05:51say,

05:51nobody's going to believe you. You're nothing. You're nobody. I mean, yes, it was a sexual abuse,

05:56but it was verbal abuse. It was manipulation. It was all just combined. So I always thought that

06:01nobody was going to believe me. But when, you know, CPF told my mother, she did believe me.

06:06It was just a relief because she knew I wasn't lying. We tried to prosecute him, but at the time

06:12I was so

06:12shut down, I would not talk about it at all to anybody. Because of that, we couldn't prosecute him

06:18because the prosecutor or the DA said I wouldn't be a good witness because I wasn't able to talk

06:24about it. Nothing happened. And I tried to just, you know, move on with my life. Just ignore it. It's

06:28in the past. That's not how our brains work. So I couldn't move on. It was always there. Later on

06:34in

06:34life, when I was 23, my father passed away. And that's when I lost control over everything. You know,

06:42I lost my marriage, my home, my job. I lost everything because I was falling apart. And I

06:47wish that I had known that when I was younger, if I had like had successful counseling or something,

06:54it probably would have helped, but I couldn't talk about it at all. Nothing happened. And he

06:59continued to abuse other children. And I've always blamed me myself for that because if I had just

07:04been stronger when I was 12, he never would have crossed paths with this other family. And those

07:10other children never would have been abused. When I was 25, two years after my father's death, and I

07:17had spiraled down, you know, my life was a mess. I knew that I had to do something to stop

07:22him because

07:23I knew that he was abusing other kids because that's just who he is. So I researched him. I re

07:28I

07:29found out where he lived. I found out his wife's name. And I drove eight hours to speak to his

07:34current

07:34wife. And I told her my story. I told her that he abused me for seven years. I told her,

07:40everything that he did. And she told me that her children and grandchildren have been telling her

07:45stories, but she didn't believe them. And he told her that I was a mentally little girl who wanted

07:51attention. When she saw me, and we talked about it, I hoped she would know that that wasn't true. But

07:57she still said that she wasn't sure if she believed her children and her grandchildren. So I gave her my

08:03number. And I told her, call me if you're going to prosecute him, call me I want to be there.

08:07I want to be a

08:08part of it. I never heard from her. But four years later, I found out that he was sentenced.

08:13He got eight 20 year sentences for aggravated sexual assault and decency with a child. He got 20

08:20years per charge, which seems like a lot of years, but he only served 13. He was approved for parole

08:26in

08:262020. In 2017, I got an email because I was registered as a victim saying that he was like,

08:33he was going to go in front of the parole board, see if he could get parole. I freaked out.

08:37So I

08:38wrote the parole board and I wrote them a detailed letter of my abuse and how my abuse was never

08:43known because I was never strong enough to share it. But I told them my story and I told them

08:48to

08:48please hear my story and to please don't, not to let him out. He can't be out. He's not safe

08:54to be

08:54around children. So in 2017, his parole was denied. And then in 2020, I got another email. The email just

09:01said that he was approved for parole after he served nine months in a sex offender rehab. So

09:07you have to complete a sex offender rehab course for nine months, and then he would be released to

09:13the public on parole. So I kind of built like strong walls around me. I don't think those walls will

09:19ever

09:19go away. Sometimes I think about it. Sometimes I think it's a good thing. And sometimes I think it's

09:23a bad thing because I don't let people too close to me. But at the same time, that means I

09:27can't get

09:28hurt. So when I was 25 during my divorce time, I had a hunch that my husband was cheating with

09:35another woman. Of course, it was just a hunch. They were friends, you know, when we were at a

09:39Christmas party and I saw her, you know, whispering in his ear. And in my head, I said, you're not

09:44going

09:44to hurt me. You know, if anybody's going to get hurt, it's going to be you. So in my head,

09:48my thought

09:49process was, I'm going to hurt you first. And I'm going to hurt you harder than you could ever hurt

09:53me,

09:54which is what I did. Of course, left him from one day to the next. My heart was cold. I

09:58did not care

09:59what happened to him. That was the end of that. We reunited two years later. We're still together.

10:04But he never cheated on me. It was just all in my head. I just, I don't trust people. That's

10:09what I

10:09did, which destroyed my marriage. And I lost my home, my job, destroyed my kids. It was a mess.

10:15When I was growing up, he never abused my mom. He was actually pretty good to my mom. Usually when

10:21I

10:21would visit, I was alone. My older sister did tell me one time that she was getting dressed and he

10:26was looking at her through the window. He was outside and watching her do, you know, through

10:31the window while she was getting dressed. And she told my mom, but it kind of just got blown over,

10:37you know, it was like nothing happened. It was just ignored. I don't think he abused anybody else in

10:41the home. It was only me. And I think it was only me because I was five. I was, you

10:46know, the youngest

10:46I needed, I craved attention for my mom. You know, my mom and dad were complete opposites.

10:51It's like, my mom was very loving and, you know, emotional. My dad was kind of cold. He was not

10:57emotional. You know, I really got a hug from him. So when this new man started, you know, hugging me

11:02and cuddling and let's watch TV on the couch, it was great. Anybody would, you know, crave the attention,

11:08but that was just the beginning of the grooming process. And then it just got worse after that.

11:13I think I was the most vulnerable for one out of everybody. So when I was five, the first thing

11:18I

11:18remember is I was in the tub and I remember there was a lot of bubbles in there and I

11:23was taking a

11:24tub bath and he walked in saying that he was going to help me clean myself, which I said, okay,

11:29I know

11:30the dads bathed their kids too. So, okay. And that was actually, I think that's the day the abuse began,

11:36but he didn't touch me. You know, he really, he just bathed me and left the room. But after that,

11:42it became more of like touch me here and he would put my hand on his, said, do you like

11:47how that

11:47feels? And then he started touching me under my clothes. You know, he would take my clothes off

11:52and you know, that was during the summer before I started kindergarten. By the time I started

11:56kindergarten, which was months later, he would kiss my face, which I, to this day, I don't like

12:01kissing because he would lick my entire face. Like he would kiss my face from my nose down to my

12:06chin.

12:07I could smell his cigarettes. I could smell, you know, his bad breath. It was just gross. And he

12:13continued to do that until I was 12. He would always kiss me on my lips. And I would remember,

12:18I would seal my lips shut. So I wouldn't let his tongue go in, but he would still, my lips

12:24were

12:25never strong enough. And he would still get his tongue inside of my mouth, make me gag. And we were

12:30about to move to a home in a town 10 miles away. He took me to the apartment to finish

12:37cleaning it

12:38out and to get, you know, whatever stuff we still had in there. So we went and while we walked

12:42in,

12:43the apartment was empty. Like there was nothing in it at all. So he laughed and he sat at, you

12:48know,

12:48the other edge of the row, took his pants off and told me to go sit with him. And I

12:53told him, no,

12:53I said, I'm no, I'm like, why are we doing this? Let's just go home, take me back to my

12:58mom. You know,

12:58he said, no, that that's the whole reason we went because we were going to have some fun and he

13:02wasn't going to take me back. So I remember I sat right by the door because I didn't want to

13:06get

13:06close to him. I just sat by the door. Then he laughed and he said, do you think I will

13:11reach

13:11over there? At the time, I didn't know what he was talking about. But I remember thinking the white

13:15stuff, you know, I'm like, how are you going to get the white stuff all the way over here to

13:19me

13:20where I'm sitting like far from him. And then, you know, I didn't say anything. I just thought it

13:25and that I felt he started urinating and he, my legs were getting wet from his urine. And I

13:31remember I was thinking, I was freaking out, of course, and I was looking at my legs and he was

13:36peeing on me. And I think that's the only time I cried. I got up, I cried and I ran

13:40to the bathroom

13:41trying to wash my legs off. There was nothing, there weren't any towels because everything had

13:46already been packed. There was no toilet paper. There was, you know, just the water from the sink.

13:50So I remember I cupped, you know, my hands and got water and washed my legs off. But in my

13:55head,

13:56my legs were always stained with his yellow urine. That day, it was the worst thing that I had felt

14:02because it wasn't just the abuse, but it was more of trying to humiliate me. And on the way home

14:07that

14:08day, I sat as close to the passenger door as I could without even, you know, getting close to him.

14:13Now he said, you know, when we get home, I'm going to tell your mom that you're being a bad

14:16girl and

14:17she's going to be so mad at you. And remember I was crying and I said, tell her whatever you

14:21want.

14:22I'm like, if you want to tell her, go ahead and tell her. I'm like, if she wants to send

14:25me back

14:25to live with my dad, fine. I didn't care anymore. I was just so angry that I just, I didn't

14:32care.

14:32And of course, when we got back home and we get to my mom's, he never said a word, of

14:37course. And I

14:38walked in still crying and mad. And my mom asked me a simple question, like, what do you want for

14:43dinner or something trivial? And I yelled at her and I, you know, ignored her. And I ran to the

14:49bathroom to go shower. When I got out of the shower, you know, she was mad at me. And she

14:53said,

14:54oh my God, you're so rude. You're so disrespectful. You know, how can you be so rude to me? And

14:58I told

14:58her, I hate you. I said, I hate you so much. I said, how can you not, how can you

15:03do these things to

15:04me? I said, I hate you. And I remember, I remember I ran to my room, I slammed the door

15:08and I cried in my

15:10pillow. And, you know, she never came in to ask what was wrong. Nobody said anything. Hours later,

15:16I came out, you know, I told her I was sorry. You know, we watched a movie or whatever. I

15:21just don't

15:21see how, like, if it were me and if that was Mikey, I would have followed her and said, why

15:26are you

15:26crying? What happened? But she, she didn't do that. And I don't know, I don't know if she was just

15:31ignoring that it happened or if she just truly did not see that it was happening. Of course,

15:37and my mom, she's a great person. She believes that everybody is good, but I know that that's

15:43not reality. That's not really how it is. And, you know, I tell her that's not how life is. People

15:48are not all good. So I don't think she ever knew anything until I was 12. You know, the whole

15:53story

15:53came out. We never discussed it ever. When I was already in my mid twenties, that's when I started

15:59telling her bits and pieces about it. But I still wouldn't go into detail until I wrote the book and

16:05I

16:05wrote the book in detail because if I got it all down on paper, it was no longer in my

16:10head. I can

16:11get it all out. It's into the world. Okay. You know, there's embarrassing things in there, but it's,

16:16it's out. So I'm not hiding it anymore. It's not stuck in my head. It's not on replay in my

16:21head.

16:21So before I published the book, I gave her the manuscript so she can read it and make sure she

16:27was okay with everything that was in it. And so she could know the whole story. And that's when she

16:31knew

16:31the whole entire story. And she said, wow, I didn't know all of that was happening. And I said,

16:37nobody knew. My husband, I met him when I was 15 and I told him like pretty early on,

16:43I guess, cause I had to tell somebody. He never blamed me. He never said, you know, it's your

16:48fault. He never said, Oh my God, how could you do that? He never said anything. He said like,

16:52I'm so sorry. After that, you know, he was the only one I could ever talk to about it. Even

16:57to this

16:57day, I really, I only talked to him about it and he's like the best therapist there is, I think.

17:02So once I wrote the book, I let it all out and that started my healing process, which I,

17:08that started last May. So it's been about a year since then. I've been slowly opening up more and

17:13more. I know that if my story's out, somebody who needs to hear it, we'll hear it. And the whole

17:19reason I, I even wanted to write the book was when I was 25 years old and I was struggling,

17:25my marriage had gone bad. My, you know, house was gone. And I went to several libraries to try to

17:31find books on the topic, to try to find books that another victim had written. So I could know

17:37I wasn't alone and I didn't find any. I wanted to read from somebody like me, somebody who understood

17:42me and somebody who knew what I was going to do. And I never found that. So when I wrote

17:47my book,

17:48my hope is in 10 years, when the kids are being abused right now, when, and it's sad,

17:54but they will fall apart in 10 or 20 years, they will fall apart. And I want these kids to

17:59be able

17:59to find my book and say, wow, so I'm not alone. There are other people like me. And that's the

18:05whole reason, you know, I was so honest in the book because I want other people to know that they're

18:10not alone. They're not the only ones going through this. And you know, there's one in three girls being

18:15sexually abused before the age of 18. And that's just, that's horrible. And boys too. I've read

18:20different statistics, but some are like one in six. And then other places it says one in 12.

18:25That's horrible too. I mean, it's, it's just, it's sad that these pedophiles get away with doing this

18:31and they don't really get punished the way they should be. Right after we moved into the home,

18:36after he urinated on my legs and we moved into the home, he, that's when he raped me. We were

18:41living

18:41in this home, you know, and I wrote my eyes at him and he raped me. After that, I kind

18:46of tried to

18:47avoid him. So I never really gave him the opportunity to rape me again. So I remember

18:51I had my friends coming over almost every day. You know, they were always there because they knew

18:56that something was going on. So I wouldn't shower unless my mom was home or my friends were there

19:01with me because he would go into the shower or go into the bathroom. And I remember because

19:06I still freak out sometimes. I would be in the shower and he would walk in and he would try

19:11to

19:11put his hand through the shower curtain and grab me. And it wasn't even sexual at that point. It was

19:17just taunting me. He just wanted to grab something to show that he won. And I remember I would have

19:23my arms, you know, like on one side, try to close the shower curtain and then on the other side,

19:27try

19:27to close the shower curtain. So he couldn't get his hand in, but he still would. Well, when he would

19:31shower, he would intentionally forget to take his towel or forget to take soap or forget to take

19:37something. And he would yell for me to go and take it to him. If my mom was home, you

19:41know,

19:42she would be cooking or something. And she would tell me, go and take him a towel. You know, I

19:45would

19:45try to just walk in, put the towel on the sink and leave. But then he, you know, he would

19:49always say,

19:50why don't you get in with me? Like, nobody will even know, like, just get in with me. And I

19:54would,

19:54I would say, no, I don't want to, like, I'm leaving. And that's when he would throw,

19:58he would splash water in my face, call me, you're nothing but a baby. I don't know why you can't

20:02just grow up

20:03and just, you know, have fun like we used to. You always have to be a little, but when I

20:07would leave

20:08the bathroom, my face would be wet with water. And that's when my friends noticed why is she walking

20:13out with her face wet? And why is her face red? You know, cause I would always, every time I

20:17get

20:17nervous or embarrassed, I get red. And she would say, you know, why is her face red? And why is

20:21she

20:21all wet? Every time she comes out, like there's something going on. So they came over more often

20:26because they knew that something was going on and they knew that if they were there, that would happen

20:30less. So during my researching of my book, I started learning about trauma and how trauma and

20:36PTSD, you know, affects the body. So there's stress responses, which is fight, flight and freeze. So

20:43when you're being traumatized or you're going through a traumatic event, usually your body will make high,

20:48you know, cortisol and adrenaline. And then once the threat is over, your levels go back to normal.

20:54But when the trauma is constant, like with abuse, your levels never really go back to normal.

21:00They stay elevated because you're always in a threat. Everybody is a threat. You know,

21:05everybody around you is a threat. You don't know who you can trust. You'll know who you can't trust.

21:09And you're always feel like you have to have your guard up. So I'll be on immunosuppressants for the

21:15rest of my life just to keep my immune system in check because my immune system just goes out of

21:20whack because of the constant trauma as a kid. So it does cause like there's several autoimmune issues

21:26with mine. It happens to be my liver. But I mean, there's like a million, you know, autoimmune issues

21:31that you can get from from constant childhood trauma. What I'd like to say for any victims who

21:36have suffered child abuse is that you are not alone. And you're no longer a victim. You survived

21:42the trauma. You survived the abuse. You are stronger than you think you are. And growing up,

21:48you know, people would say it's not your fault. But I still believed it was my fault. Because how can

21:53I be

21:53so weak to allow this to happen? But now I know it was not my fault. It was never my

21:58fault. So we

21:59should never put the blame on ourselves when the blame belongs to somebody else. So like with me,

22:04you know, I kept the secret for so many years, because I felt it was my secret that I had

22:09to

22:10keep. But in reality, it was his secret. And I don't feel like I should be keeping his secret anymore.

22:16And that's why I feel like other survivors need to talk about it. Because that will release the secret

22:22into the world. But that will also bring healing and peace into their hearts and their minds. So

22:26speaking about it is probably the most important thing to healing.

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